Divorce lessons from one in three Australian Marriages which are affected.
Divorce lessons from one in three Australian Marriages which are affected.
Divorce and family breakdown cost the Australia economy Billions of dollars every year. With $14 Billion in 2014 up to $2 Billion from 2012. Over 40% of marriages in the UK will end in divorce, with one in three lives now affected by it. In the US, around 50% of marriages will be dissolved.
While l often ponder the reason for such high numbers of relationships failing, this is not for me to fix.
I indeed am hungry for data and evidence to support a better understanding of the problems. The root course of the topic but simplifying the dilemma only makes the issues more confusing. But years from now when l have helped 100’s of people through their divorce l will hopefully have a clearer picture. Where l can educate couples, who are getting married and help them deal with rough times throughout their relationship. It is healthy to have ups and downs and have the ability and emotional maturity to work through problems, if preventable. So they can learn from the rest of us and avert the same mistakes, of those before them.
What are the right things to say and do to support your child?
Daddy has a new girlfriend!
Remember the feelings of anticipation and hope with that new life growing inside of you. You dreamt of being the perfect parent and having the ideal family. Then this tiny bundle was born, and your feelings made the world move slower, and your heart beat faster. This little person, your responsibility. While it was one of the hardest things, you have ever done, the reward was unspeakable. The love you felt had no bounds, and there is nothing you would not do to keep your child safe and secure.
Your parenting styles are different, but you worked together. With the same core values of bringing up a happy and healthy child. As a couple, even though your backgrounds were different and the way you were brought up, you found common ground. One the disciplinarian and the other fun, loving and playful. Your child was safe, feed and warm and growing into a lovely person.
Preparation the key to success
Like anything we do in life, preparation is the key.
When you decided to walk down the aisle, you spent weeks, if not months choosing the right gown. Hours of contemplation went into picking the venue, the flowers and food served to your guest. Where your guests will sit and who is on their table. Even the honeymoon was something you had dreamt of or researched for a considerable time. These points are all majorly important to a successful outcome. The planning executed to a tee helping make your wedding day such a memorable occasion. Limiting stress and the chances of anything untoward happening to ruin your special event. You did everything possible to prevent the dangers of anything going wrong.
Then came the kids. On confirmation of the two blue lines on the pregnancy stick, your thoughts went into a positive result. Giving up your favourite vices to grow a healthy human. The colour and decoration of the room. Bags packed, having chosen a boys and girls name in preparation for either sex. And most importantly, you picked the best doctor and hospital, to bring your new precious bundle of joy into the world. You did everything possible to prevent the dangers of anything going wrong.
Divorce is such a taboo word, how can you succeed after divorce?
In my dealings, there are 5 things confident women do to succeed after divorce and l want to share them with you. These things are continually discussed in conversation when positive people talk about their previous relationship. They are now rebuilding their lives with energy and gusto to get on with their exciting futures. These women feel empowered and grateful.
Saying l was divorced made me feel and think, l was a second-class citizen. I felt people looked at me differently like l was a failure. Women saw me as a disappointment and men looked at me as if l was damaged and must be hard to live with. This may have been in my head, but for some time, this was how I felt. I look back now and realise these were my issues and no one else’s.
However, dealing with the stresses and conflict that goes hand in hand with ending a relationship, can produce erroneous thoughts. Lucky for me, this was at the height of my breakup and didn’t continue for long. How l showed up in the world has to do with no one else but me! And l needed to change my way of thinking and acting.
Talking to other successful people who have survived divorce there seemed to be five traits they all had in common:
Let me introduce you to Michelle.
Michelle and her husband of 28 years have separated and have just settled on their financial agreement after dividing their investments. If you have read my book The Jelly Bean Jar, you would know l break divorces into three categories: A Your decision, B Partner’s decision, C Joint decision. Each of these categories has different connotations for the partners, involved, and that is why ‘no two divorces are the same.’ Depending on the class you fall into will depend on your emotional state. How long it takes to recover, and ultimately the team of professionals l engage to best deal with your circumstances. Ultimately this team with help to achieve your seamless outcome from your divorce journey.
Now getting back to Michelle, she falls into category B. Michelle had no idea, her husband was unhappy. She was ill prepared for the disaster her life was to become when he asked her for a divorce. The couple had worked hard all their life and had two adult children. Together they had acquired a property portfolio of four investment properties around Australia and owned their own home. They both have substantial superannuation and if they had stayed together retirement was only a few short years away. Feeling frantic about her future Michelle, found out some months later her husband had a new partner. The ex-husband remained in the family home, and she moved out and was renting a two bedroom unit. Her hopes, dreams and wishes for an enjoyable retirement out the window in four words….I want a divorce. Not to mention the reality of being alone and scared about what her future holds.
Taming The Devil Inside.
Taming the devil inside
Over the last six months, my team and l have been working with Katie. Katie has lived in the same house with her husband for the past thirty years, and the couple has two adult daughters together. They have had a turbulent relationship, but like most of us, they continued to work through their ups and downs hoping for peace and memories of what brought them together to endure. Their connection, however, got to the point of no return with accusations coming from both sides. Until one day, Katie’s husband decided he had, had enough and wanted out. Such a massive decision after dedicating yourself to each other for three decades.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes a relationship we think is perfect can be anything but, for the couple involved. I never form any judgement on the people l work with; I just want to see them move on with dignity and pride and be empowered to find strength and the willingness to continue living with joy and happiness in their lives. Looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for the mistakes they have made, and then using that wisdom to preventing the same issues arising in other areas of their life. However, l have witnessed a trait which has worried me. A trait which can cloud people’s decision making. Having them react in a way, you would hope they could control however emotions take over, and their actions can have lasting effects on their futures. (more…)
Keeping your head above water
Have you sat there, with this feeling of worry? How the F&#k will I survive?
Survive Separation with my top tips. Don’t know about you but l knew l needed to move on, it was time, nothing was going to change and if anything l felt like l had tossed the situation around in my mind for that long, it was exhausting. I was tired, and every day I became increasingly bitter at what my life had become. Was l doing the right thing? Could l fall back in love after everything had been said and done? Maybe l could live in this loveless marriage for the kids? Could I settle for a life which no longer fulfilled me? I continually came up with a reason why I had to stay, yet my stomach and soul told me something different. There was no way l could continue to ignore what l felt, it was affecting my health. (more…)
‘Love is like a jar of jelly beans:
overflowing, sweet, bright and beautiful.’
As a little girl, I always loved fairy tales – I wanted my happily ever after.
Then, as a young teenager, I remember my mum
and I having a conversation about what love was. And mum, explaining
to me her analogy of ‘the jelly bean jar’. Mum said, ‘When people
fall in love with each other, there is a jar full to the brim with
bright, sweet, beautiful jelly beans. Those jelly beans represent their
love and commitment to each other. Over time, as the relationship grows and evolves, incidents happen, both good and bad. Pleasant actions increase jelly beans
and events that cause conflict remove jelly beans’.
Can you pinpoint the moment you knew everything was going to change?
At some stage, you get to the point of no return. When the words are said, and you cannot take them back or forget you heard what you heard. Sometimes the venom in how the words are delivered is enough to rock your world, and we can retaliate without even thinking. How did our life come to this? How did my dream of happily ever after turning to the nightmare I am now living? The options are yours; you can continue to ignore the miserable existence your life has become or address it head on with the help of a team of experts, like my Army of Angels.
I once heard this story and it resonates today.
There once was a man who lived in a small village and one night in his sleep an angel came to him in his dreams.
Dealing with divorce
When we fall in love and decide on our life long partner, never do we think, it could one day fall apart.
Leaving us heartbroken, vulnerable and feeling alone. I remember once going to my clairvoyant, as l was always looking for answers to why my universe didn’t feel aligned. Sitting opposite me, she explained how she knew her husband would one day cheat on her yet she still married him. I found this interesting given her ability to prevent the pain associated with his betrayal. Instead, she spent 11 years with him and had two children. When l questioned her choices and queried WHY she answered directly. I would not be the person l am today nor would l have two beautiful children, if we did not get married. She went on to explain, they had many wonderful times, and she was filled with love when she recalled the memories.