Did you know there is a science to a successful divorce?

Before even considering contacting a lawyer, it is important to understand which of the following categories your relationship breakdown falls into. The reason being is how you act and respond to your partner due to the hurt and emotions of the initial breakup and how it all played out. This history will impact on your behaviours and decisions. In my business, we look at each of these categories and consider the emotional needs of our clients. It is so important to treat every divorce differently as conflicting emotions are involved, and our client’s needs are unique to their situation. There is no cookie cutter formula when dealing with a divorce, and no two divorces are ever the same. That’s why it is so important to look at the merits of your circumstances in isolation and not think it possible to get the same outcome as a girlfriend or family member. Reason being you are not talking apples for apples. The costs involved from this point forth and the collateral damage caused all starts with how the breakup occurred.

There are three sorts of divorce dilemmas that we can find ourselves in.

# 1 Is where you are the person who wants the divorce. But you are not sure if it is the right decision. You have dwelled on it for a considerable length of time and decided that eventually, it is inevitable. You are unhappy. When the conversation takes place, it can shock your partner and may take him by complete surprise.

Your friends and family are stunned because no one saw it coming.  You have worried about the impacts on your spouse, the children, as well as your lifestyle, your economic situation and there’s this pressure to make the perfect decision for all involved. Unfortunately, there’s never any guarantees, but somethings are not right, you are not happy internally, while externally everyone thinks you are fine.  The best scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego but to look at the facts and understand why you feel the way you do. Then ask yourself can things change and improve to fulfil whatever void requires filling? Or is it too late and nothing is going to change? There must be more to life? Whatever your reasons you haven’t taken this decision lightly.

#2 Then there is the divorce where you don’t want it and didn’t see it coming. Your spouse has instigated the relationship breakup.  In this instance, you feel like a victim, and it is not unusual to have feelings of being out of control. Why is this happening to me and what did l do wrong?

You will no doubt experience emotions that will make you feel devastated, and that your life is changing before your eyes, you have no control of the outcome. In addressing this dilemma, you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to something on a familiar, safe basis and was your marriage was an illusion. In this instance perhaps you have both just been treading water, and there have been underlying problems, which you have been ignoring or not addressing. It could just be that your partner has changed and their needs are not being met, whatever they may be, yet he has not communicated those needs to you. It is not easy to confront the problems in a marriage when you’re feeling so hurt and right now isn’t the time to ask yourself why. He has made his decision, and you just need to go into survival mode to get through the coming period.

#3 The third is when the union just isn’t working for either party. This is where a relationship will break up, but neither partner wants to take responsibility for its demise. Both sides avoid taking responsibility or ownership of the problems within the relationship. This is where you have tremendous anger, and you want someone to blame for the situation that you find yourself in. The amount of energy used to play the blame game will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness.

This is the sort of divorce where the divorce proceedings are full of tension and conflict and just continual blaming each other for what went wrong.  This type of separation will usually cost the most and be prolonged. The repercussion of this relationship breakdown will last for years after the relationship has ended and even into your next relationship. Making forgiveness critical and counselling a priority otherwise both parties will just be bitter and angry for years to come.

In all three types of divorce, there is one common element, and that’s the element of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of possibly being incorrect or even denying that there were/are any problems at all. Or it could just be a fear of being accountable for the demise of your marriage.

If you would like further information on this issue, please CONTACT Tanya here.

Tanya Somerton is a divorce angel, whose business is to help women through divorce and separation with the aid of her ‘Army of Angels.’ Tanya has a ‘One stop divorce shop’ helping empower women to move on both emotional and financially and to live an independent and productive life. Her divorce model will limit cost, saving you money and teaching you how to become financially empowered, no matter what your financial position.