Getting our emotions involved in our decision-making process is a recipe for disaster when we deal with divorce. If we want to get the outcome we need from our divorce is essential to have what we call Emotional Freedom. In this episode, I will explain the seven stages you need to go through to reach it.  

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

The danger of making emotional decisions [00:01:30]

The secret lawyers don’t want you to know [00:03:00]

The three ways of getting a divorce [00:06:00]

Stage one: time management [00:09:00]

Stage two: Multitasking [00:10:30] 

Stage three: Delegating [00:13:30]

Stage four: Excell at communication [00:15:00]

Stage five: Be detail-oriented [00:17:00]

Stage six: Be organized [00:18:00]

Stage seven: Teamwork [00:21:30]

Links

5 Steps To A Seamless Divorce

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1008392

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey guys, and welcome back to the divorce angel podcast. I wanted to chat today about the seven stages of emotional freedom. If you’ve been listening to me for long enough, you would already know. I am very pragmatic when it comes to divorce. There’s such an emotional side of divorce, and I get it because I am such an emotional being.

There’s a show here in Australia as well. It’s all over the world, actually. I can watch an episode of 60 minutes, and something about someone dying or someone locked up. I will be bawling my eyes out because I am empathetic and emotional. But when we are getting a divorce, the key to success is removing our emotions from our decision making.

And it’s when we do that, that we draw a line in the sand because it’s when we make emotional decisions,  we regret them. We’re using the wrong criteria to decide what we should or should not be doing.

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And when we do it that way, it’s because we’re looking to ease a pain that we are feeling, or to prevent a fear that we have from occurring. Hopefully, that makes sense. 

If you’re making an emotional decision, it’s because you’re afraid, or you’re fearful or think it’s going to get you somewhere, or it’s going to hurt someone. You are reacting to an emotion you are having. 

Here is the truth, and please listen very carefully to what I’m going to tell you. If you do these seven things that I will say to you, you will save a foot chain in your divorce, and you will stay on track. 

And the reason I’ve named it seven stages to emotional freedom is that if I’d said to you, or I’d called this: “seven stages to best divorce outcome” or something like that, you may not have listened. Because everyone wants that emotional connection and I get it cause I’ve been there. 

I have named it the seven stages of emotional freedom. Okay, so let me get into this for you right now. Here’s the secret that lawyers just do not want you to know, and we’ll make your life more comfortable in the long run.

Divorce is a business transaction; it’s not emotional. We are getting down to the nuts and bolts of your relationship and on what you build it. Knowing this is the difference between success and failure. For those people who do not understand this concept, they will be eaten alive. If you make your decisions about your divorce on emotions, you will miss out on things you are entitled to or make decisions that will ultimately cause you nothing but heartache. So let me ask you firstly, are you sure that your relationship is over? Think about it carefully because if there’s hope, you need to do everything possible to save it.

And I’m not an advocate for divorce; if anything, I am the opposite. I want people to learn from their mistakes and be successful in life. So the figure of the reoccurring divorces is what shocked me to the most. And it was one of the reasons that I started this business.

These figures are probably two years old now, but at the time, 40% of first-time marriages failed. 70% of that 40 % then had a second divorce, and then 90% of that 70% failed at their third marriage. And I’m data-hungry. I wanted to understand. Why? Why is it that these divorces kept reoccurring?

It’s all because we are not learning from our mistakes because we are doing it the wrong way. So if you aren’t 100% sure that your relationship is over, you need to turn off right now and go and actively try and fix it. But if you are sure your marriage is over, listen up because I’m going to give you some essential tips here, the seven stages to emotional freedom. 

You may or may not have realized that divorce is your chance to write your future, and there are three ways that you can take all this. One, you can do it by the unethical means: mean and vindictive. By ignoring this situation and getting into a place that the outcome you [00:06:00] get is regrettable because you haven’t actively addressed what’s going on. You just keep hoping that everything will be okay.

Or three, you can be prepared, planned, and protected. 

Number three is my way, and I want every person to be. Ethical in their dealings with their ex and to get what is fair and reasonable for both parties. Now, let me just explain this a bit more. Have you ever heard the word karma? I’m sure you have.

Well, I’m a big believer that this universal law is more significant than each of us, and if we act and deal unfairly, it will come back and bite us in the bump later on. Now, I work like this in everything that I do. I’m always worried that there’s a higher power observing about what I’m about to do.

So if I would ever going to wrong someone, I would be so petrified that it would come back and bite me. I just wouldn’t do it. 

There’s this mental power around me. The other day, my child said, let’s watch such and such on, on the internet.

And I said, no, we’re going to pay for it because I don’t want karma to come back and bite me. We’re not going to download anything. We’re going to pay for it. Because artists and people have put their hard-earned money, time, effort into this, we should contribute to the income that they deserve. 

You might be asking yourself right now, well, my ex cheated or gambled everything away. I don’t know what your situation is, but because your ex did a wrong thing, it does not mean that you need to lower yourself to that level. Whatever people did wrong is up to them, and they will pay for it in their life.

And you’re not the judge and jury; you cannot punish someone for what they did. The punishment will come to them at some time, at someplace when they least expect it. And you need to believe that. 

You need to worry about yourself from this point forward. And remember, no one will look after and protect you, but you, this is your job. You need to protect and look after yourself. These are the skills that you need to be great at to achieve a successful divorce and to be prepared, planned and protected. 

The first one is you need to be very good at time management. Now, the definition of time management is the ability to use one’s time effectively or productively. So to be good at time management, you need to be able to prioritize and delegate. Be very good, quick at decision-making, be good at goal setting, or to have a set of goals to be a strategic thinker and to schedule your time.

For instance, if your lawyer is charging you six-minute increments, you need to know what you want to ask when you ring them.

You have it all outlined very strategically, and you’re prioritizing your questions. 

You need to start prioritizing what’s important to you and delegating the things that aren’t. Sometimes, even the most straightforward thing as cooking dinner can be too much. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you need to buy takeaway or if you need to get something bought in, or getting one of these food services, or pay for a cleanup, whatever it is, manage your time well. It will bring benefits, both emotionally and physically. Still, it will also help you financially when dealing with a lawyer. You will be able to cut your costs because you’re managing your time better.

Now, the next one sort of coincides a bit with the time management, and that is multitasking. Now the definition of multitasking is to deal with more than one task at the same time. Now our life is a reflection of us, so be honest with yourself. How good are you at multitasking? Women are known for being good at multitasking. In my incense, I remember I’d be cooking dinner; I’d have the washing on, the kids seated at the kitchen table doing their homework, and you know, I could even be folding the laundry. We want to get things done quickly, and that is why we are capable of having three things going on at the same time.

In my case, I wanted to get it all done so that I could sit down and concentrate on a relaxing night. So multitasking has always been something that I’ve been very good at, and a lot of women are. I don’t mean to be sexist because there’s a lot of men out there that are also excellent multitaskers, and you might be one of them when we’re talking about multitasking.

To be good at multitasking, you’ve got a to-do list, and you know what is essential. Prioritize the things at the top of it, and that is going to get you the best outcome. 

And this is a massive time management skill as well. When you can work on similar tasks at the same time, in the same room, for instance, on the same spreadsheet, or whatever it is that you’re working on when it comes to tasks, it’s a great way to do it. An excellent example of this might be if you’re getting out all your paper for the disclosure and it’s close to tax time, why don’t you get your tax ready at the same time rather than having to come back and do it all again. Or, if you need to get a statement from the bank on your current circumstances, it might be a good time also to be having a chat with them about what your serviceability might be if you needed to refinance financial loans.

Then the other one is delegating. It’s worth the fee to transfer those things that aren’t so important to you, but if they have a more significant outcome for you and you need to pay, the benefit of paying cause you’re doing something else. 

Multitasking can help you get a lot done in a short time because we’ve got 24 hours in a day. Some people simply cannot get the same amount done as other people, and that’s because they can’t multitask.

When someone says to me, I just can’t get that done; I don’t have enough time, I believe it is because they are not doing the things that are returning the most value. Or maybe they just aren’t good at multitasking. It is something I learned in my corporate job: to plan, to do and review.

You plan something, you then go and do it. And if it worked well, when you review it, you do it again. If it didn’t work well, you stop it, and you change it. You do something different. We’ve all got lessons to learn. And then part of that is planning and making sure that we understand what is most important.

The next one is communication—the ability to convey or share ideas and feelings effectively. You’ll need to be an excellent communicator not only with your ex but also with the people in your team when you were divorced. It’s crucial to be able to communicate specifically. That’s right, my friends, because if there’s any ambiguity in what you were saying, you will get the wrong outcome. So you need to be very specific in your communication. You need to be a good listener, a straight talker. 

When you’re communicating, nonverbal communication is as important as verbal. How someone is standing or the way they look at people or flicking their hair. It could be an action that they are doing, could be tapping their fingers, tapping their knees, anything like that. Those are signs of communicating in another way. We need to have emotional control when we are talking.

Being able to control our emotions is a crucial part of getting an excellent outcome. 

Sometimes the emotions take away what we’re saying. When we are communicating, we need to pace with ease.

The next week I’m going to do a podcast on communication. And the pacing is vital. So listen up for next week’s podcast because it is a tool that I learnt, and it will get you a long way. 

You need to meet the person at the emotional level that they are at, or at the point they’re trying to fix.

When we get divorced, if you’re the person who chooses to leave the relationship, emotionally, you are far in front of your partner, but trying to get an outcome is not going to happen. If you say, right, I want the house sold tomorrow, that will not occur. You’ve only told them last week that you want to leave. It’s all just happening too quickly, so we need to know where is emotionally the other person. Right? 

The next one is to be detailed-oriented. A detail-oriented person is someone who pays attention to the details and can make a conscious effort to understand the cause and the effect. And this is important, especially when we’re dealing with a lawyer.

When I first start with a client, if they quickly signed my agreement without reading it. That is alarm bells for me. I’ll say to them, right, I want you to go back. I want you to read everything. I want you to ask me some questions before you sign it because I want them to look at that sort of stuff from this point forward.

Because if you’re going to be independent, you need to be very detailed oriented in what you sign and where you put your name. You need to understand the risk versus reward of what you were doing. It could save you a lot of money and save you a massive heartache in the future.

Then the next one is to be organized. The definition is having an array of systems and being able to coordinate different parts into one outcome. And that, once again, is being able to delegate, make sure that your decisions are the right ones for you.

Managing appointments, you know, coordinating events, being able to have strategic thinking. All of these things come back to being organized, and it’s crucial when you’re getting a divorce because it can lessen the stress you were feeling right now. 

And that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to help you have a better experience. It’s such an emotional time. 

And then there’s problem-solving. There are two different types of problems. There’s the ill-defined and then no well-defined. And both of these issues have the desired outcome, and they require a different approach.

So they’re both completely different. A well-defined problem has specific angles, goals, and clear expectations or solutions, while with the ill-defined issues, you can’t be sure with what you are dealing. You know that you’ve got a problem, but you probably still working through some solution.

Well-defined problems allow for more initial planning, and solving issues sometimes also involve how we’ve interpreted them. So sometimes our interpretation can take away from how we solve a problem where someone might say or imply something, and you understand it the wrong way. You go and get a solution to something that isn’t the problem.

The ability to understand the end goal can sometimes rule or put boundaries around the solution. And sometimes, the problem requires abstract thinking or coming up with a creative solution. And this is something that I love the most. Thinking outside of the box, which is what I like to call it because if you listen to my last podcast or the one before when I talked about it.

What if the rules of your life are on the outside of the box. How would you get to those instructions? That’s what I like to say when it comes to thinking outside of the box, that’s where I Excel. I love coming up with an abstract solution. 

Sometimes we get the desired result, thanks to thinking differently when we’re solving a problem. And that’s what’s important. 

And then the last one is teamwork. You have good teamwork when you have a well-oiled machine working cohesively together to get the desired outcome. So that could be your financial advisor, your accountant, your real estate agent, your lawyer, your divorce coach, whoever you’re working with, all working together on the one outcome or one goal that you need to achieve. And that’s important. So understanding where you need to go will help you drive your team. 

Let’s recap. We’ve got time management, multitasking, communication, detail-oriented, organization, problem-solving, and then lastly is teamwork.

Now, if you can get all of these working together emotionally, you will be free from any stress and worry. You would have put all of these things into place, which will alleviate and eliminate the stress that you are feeling. 

So it’s essential, and that’s ultimately what our five steps to a seamless divorce achieve.

Okay, my friends, that’s it for this week. I hope that you’ve taken some key points out of this. Go back, relisten, write it down and make sure that you implement these things into your divorce. Okay? I’ll talk to you next week. Bye for now.

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