A few days ago, a close friend of mine was struggling, and I wanted to help her. Someone suggested I write a letter to her from herself. Writing the letter, I’ve realized that I was answering some questions I ask in my Divorce Roadmap to my clients, and I thought it would be great sharing the experience with you. 

In today’s episode, I’ll share with you the three questions you must ask yourself, and that if you manage to answer, they’ll change your life overnight. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps:

The feeling of not knowing what’ll happen next [00:02:00] 

A letter to you [00:04:00]

Doing what we think we should do [00:06:00] 

The key to your happiness [00:08:00] 

Putting everyone before ourselves [00:10:00] 

Don’t be a taker [00:12:00]

The questions you need to ask yourself [00:14:00] 

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey guys, how’s everything going? Welcome back. We’re getting really close to Christmas, it’s only a few weeks away. I can’t believe given 2020, what it’s been like, it’s been full-on. Absolutely, some of the most, shocking things have ever happened in any of our lifetimes and.

Many people are saying to me. Geez. You must have such an influx in people ringing you and wanting to have a chat given what’s happening at the moment. Because let’s be honest, externally so much is going on in our lives. We’ve got people with the homeschooling, small children, and if it isn’t hard enough, having small children let alone having to homeschool them.

And especially here in Australia,

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we’ve done a great job keeping COVID under control. In our country, we still feel like things at any moment could change. You know, our thoughts go out to all of those countries. And that might be where you are right now, where things are not in control. But there’s been alignments for me when I’ve watched.

And when we’ve dealt with COVID here in Australia, mostly where I’m in, in, in Melbourne, we had a lockdown here. They did say it was the hardest lockdown in the world at the time. And I really felt similar feelings to what I felt when I was going to my divorce and my separation feelings of being out of control. Feelings of what’s going to happen next?

Is everything going to be okay? And they’re very similar to what you might be feeling right now. 

I wanted to share with you some of the ways that I dealt with that. Some of the things that when I look at my divorce, I could have done better. And I’m not talking about the people around me.

I’m talking about you. I’m talking about you because when you can control you, and you can make sure that you’re okay, everything else falls into place. And as small children, we’ve all been brought up to care for others. We’ve all been brought up to worry about other people’s feelings, what they think.

We take that into our adult lives, but this is the thing that I have learnt over the last five years. Until I put myself first, until I learn to love me, I can’t love anyone else. 

And right there, I don’t know if you heard what I said, right there is the key. There is the key to you being able to get through this.

You must love yourself first. So in this podcast, I’ve named it a letter to you. Why? Because I had a girlfriend, she’s been struggling. And I had this sense that I needed to send her some flowers. And then I was going to write a card, and a dear friend of mine said, why don’t you write a letter to her from herself and just let her know how amazing she’s. How much she does for everyone else.

And when I was writing this letter to my friend from herself and highlighting in my eyes, everything that I thought was so amazing for her, that she doesn’t see, I knew straight away that I had to do a podcast on this. There was so much value in that exercise. So what I wanted to do today, you may even want to stop as I’m going through this and just contemplate the answers to the questions that I’m going to ask, because they’re pretty important. They’re probably questions that maybe you’ve never, ever contemplated before.

I had a client this week, and we did a divorce roadmap. This guy has worked very hard. Very hard for his 20 years that he’s been married to his wife. He thought he was doing the right thing and building a legacy for his children. You know, even though at night he would lay awake, worrying about how he was going to pay all the debt.

So he owns two houses, he’s got two factories, he runs a business. And from the outside, looking in, everyone else would be thinking he was quite successful. They don’t know about everything else that goes on the debt that has to be paid back, you know, worrying about paying the kids’ private school fees. And all of those things.

He was going to work every day thinking he was doing the right things, but he wasn’t listening to what his wife was telling him. And now he looks back, and he said, what was it all for? What was all of the pain and anguish that I’ve been going through? Why did I do it? And maybe someone listening right now might be asking themselves the same thing.

Cause we start down these tracks of doing what we think we need to be doing. I talk about it before we’re doing all of the things. We’re doing all this, but we’re not being the person that we need to be for a happy relationship, for happy you. So when we were doing our divorce roadmap, I asked him a question and he said to me, do you know what Tanya, not one person in my life has ever asked me that, ever.

So we went silent, and I got him to really think about the answer. And he struggled because you know what we’re taught that the answer to this question is selfish. But it’s far from selfish. It’s the key to success now, are you ready? I’m going to ask you the question that I asked him. And that question is, what do you want?

Because we find ourselves in these places and we look back and quite often say, how the hell did we get here? How did this turn out this way? At what moment did I make a decision or not make a decision, which is just as important. And it’s ended me up to where I am right here right now today here. So I want you to ask yourself that right now, what do you want? Now, if you’re not going to stop the podcast and really contemplate this, I want you to write it down. And even if it takes you a week, two weeks a month, whatever it takes. I want you to really contemplate the answers to that question because it’s the key. It’s the key to your happiness.

And when you find happiness, everything else around you will just automatically fall into place. Your kids are happy. Your family is happy. Your work life is happy. Sometimes we have to lose the pressure of everything else that’s happening around us. We have to get rid of all of that. We have to shred whatever it was that we thought we had to do because of we were doing all the things we have to get rid of all of that because that’s actually part of the problem.

And when we get rid of all that, we can then just go, well, what is it that I really want? What do I really want? 

So with this client, when we were doing a deep dive, and I was trying to pull the answers out of him, really getting to think hard about what it was he wanted. He said you know what? I think I’d really love the water. I think I’d really love to live by the water. Ah, but that can’t happen because you know, the kids have to go to school and he, then he comes up with all the excuses. 

It’s effortless, my friends, to find excuses. It’s so easy, but do you know what, nothing is impossible. 

I talked about this last week, you are the gift. And you’re positive, and you’re happy, and you’re excited. And you’re all of the things that you’re sending out is the energy that other people just want to be around. You’re the gift. And I don’t know if you can get this, but when you’re happy, other people want to be with you, that you become the glue, you become what everyone else wants to be part of. It’s what your kids want. They just want to be with you because you’re making them happy. After all, you’re so glad. But at what stage in our life did it become okay that we put everyone else before ourselves. We become so unhappy that no one wants to be around us. And that’s what we’re taught. Like the whole thing is BS, but no one is doing anything about this.

It’s such BS that we think that we’re being selfish, but it’s the opposite when we are happy. And when we are the gift, we do things that we would typically not do. We would say things we would typically not do. We go over and above because of our energy’s high, we share that energy with someone else, but this is the theme.

Life is an exchange of energy. And when you give energy to someone else, they give it back to you. So imagine this when you’re so sad. You’re so lonely, you’re doing everything for everyone else. You feel taken for granted you’re exhausted. You feel invisible, frightened, worried, heartbroken, alone, uncertain.

They are all such negative emotions. And the energy is so low that you’re actually not having an energy exchange. Because how can someone get any power back from you when you’ve got none to give yourself? When you’ve got none to give yourself, you can’t be exchanging energy with someone else. It’s a one-way exchange.

And that’s where all of the issues happen. Hope this makes sense. And I’m not telling you that you need to do this today. 

If everything is happening right now for you, because we’re all at different stages of separation and divorce, even pre-divorce, I’m not telling you that this is how you have to feel today.

But what I’m asking you to do is what do you want? Do you want to be a taker? Because even though, and this is the conundrum that you’re in, even though you feel like you’re doing everything for anyone else, life is an exchange of energy, and you have to give to receive, if you’re so tired, so worn out.

So doing everything for anyone, everyone else, and you can’t give even any energy to yourself when someone is talking to you. And you do not have that energy exchange. All you’re doing is taking, and you’re making without even realizing it. That’s the value in what I’m talking about here. So when you write a letter to you and you answer that question, what is it that I want the most?

I also want you to ask yourself. What do you want to hear the most from the person that loves you the most? Or what do you need to hear from the person that loves you the most? Now, when I ask you that question, you might be thinking to yourself, Oh, I still love my partner. What do I need to hear from him or her?

Here’s the thing. If you don’t hear it from yourself first, you’re not going to listen to it from anyone else. So if you need someone else to tell you how great you are, if you need someone else to tell you how loved you are, that means right now, my friend, that you are missing that inside of you right now.

And that’s where the work is for you. That’s what you need to be doing. The next question is if you had the chance to tell that person what you needed from them, what would that be? So you’ve asked this person in your life, what you most want from them, what you want to hear from them. The next question is if you had the chance to tell that person what you needed from them, what would it be?

So do you need to be told all of the time that you’re beautiful, that you’re loved? Do you need actions done for you? Do you need to just feel cared for what is it right now that you’re missing so much in your life? What is the void that is missing in your life? And once again, this is what you are not giving yourself, because if you need your ex-partner to tell you that you are loved.

Actually, what is happening, you have not been telling yourself that you are loved, and that’s the problem. So we can never, ever get fulfilment from someone outside of ourselves. We need to get it from ourselves internally first. And when we get that, that’s when the magic happens, that’s when the energy and the exchange of energy that we’re having with other human beings are so powerful. My friends, life becomes extraordinary. It’s explosive. 

So in the letter to you, ask these questions. What do you want most? What do you need to hear from the person who loves you the most? And if you had the chance to tell that person what you needed from them, what would it be?

And out of those three questions, whatever the answers are, that’s the key to your happiness, because you are not giving yourself. You are not filling your own needs with whatever it is. That is the answers to those to be able to make you happy. And when you are happy, everyone else will be happy. 

This has been such a fantastic podcast. I’m getting chills because I don’t know if you realize this, but if you can answer these questions within this podcast overnight, your life will change. I promise you. Overnight your life can change because you are going to give yourself what you most need. And in many cases, it’s little love when we first love ourselves, everything falls into place.

So I’m sending it to you right now—all of the loving care and best wishes that I can send. I’ve got my eyes closed while I’m saying this, because I’m sending it to you right now to give you the peace, to sit down, to find some quiet time and to do this work. Because if you don’t do the job, if you don’t answer the questions, you’re going to continue to leave in the content of your life that hasn’t worked so far.

You’ve heard me say it before. We’ve got to change the context of how you leave for you to be successful. And that’s some of the tools that I’ve been teaching you over the last few weeks. We want to change the context of your life. All right. My darling friends enjoy the beautiful day wherever you are in this beautiful world.

And if you’ve got peace on the inside, you have peace on the outside. Okay, bye for now. I’ll see you next week.

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