In this podcast we discuss the third principal of my divorce philosophy and one of my principals for a successful divorce- ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance is the beginning of your new beginning. This is where you decide to let go and lay the foundation to MOVE ON.
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Hello and welcome back to the Divorce Angel Podcast. It’s Tanya Somerton here. I’m so happy that you’re back with me. Over the last few weeks, I have been providing information on what I call my philosophy of divorce. My philosophy of divorce comes about by five principles to actually achieve divorce success. A few weeks ago, I did episode 24, and it was called “Victim. How did I find myself here.” The next one, which was last week was “Overwhelm. I can’t do this, it’s all so hard.” These principles have come about because I’ve gone through them myself but then I’ve also witnessed my clients go through the same processes and been able to move on. The interesting thing is, if a client has missed one of these– Piece of these process, they don’t have a successful outcome. I’ve witnessed them regressing or being full of other emotions that really aren’t getting them anywhere in life so it’s really important for me to get this message across and for people to understand how it is that they can move on with their life and be successful.
If you haven’t listened to podcast 24 or 25, I recommend you go back and listen to them because this week, we’re going to be talking about acceptance. With acceptance comes “Okay, I’m getting on with it.” and how is it that we’re able to do that. The definition of acceptance is the act of accepting something or someone. The fact of being approved. That’s what acceptance is.
The signs that you are moving out of overwhelm and into acceptance may be that you have moments of clarity. You realize that nothing will change unless you do this yourself. This is your reality right now and it’s not going to change. Let’s dive into these three points a little bit more.
You have these moments of clarity. As you move out of overwhelm into acceptance, it’s like an unexpected windfall. Imagine going to your bank account one day and noticing that you’ve got money in there that you didn’t realize and you’re really grateful because you’re looking at your bank account and you’re going, “Oh, wow. I did not think I had that much money in there.” and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, comes a bill you didn’t expect and you have to use those funds to pay the bill.
This is the beauty of this situation. Many will complain about the new invoice of the bill because they didn’t expect it. Without noticing that the universe or whoever has provided these funds without you even knowing or realizing it. Rather than being grateful, people complain. What I’m trying to say is this example is where all the possibilities for change can occur and it’s how we think differently. We’re stuck being angry and then moving into patience, and from blame into acceptance.
If this is making any sense to you, I suppose, if we go back to the money– So you’ve received this money as a gift. It’s been a present to ease the pressure on your future. It’s one less thing you need to deal with right now. The same could be true about your relationship breakdown. No matter what you believe or who you believe in, someone is protecting you from further hurt or suffering later on in life and I truly believe this.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is at the moment that you’re feeling so overwhelmed, you just think “Why did this happen to me? I can’t believe this is my life.” but the bigger picture is that maybe this relationship broke down for a reason, that something happened because it was not right to start with. Like, you had to make change in your life, and I spoke about this last week where I’ve realized in my life if I don’t take steps to action things that are not okay, for some reason, the universe will come in and make it happen for me whether it’s you find a text message, whether you’ve located something that you weren’t meant to see and it brings up these questions and then you follow the path of the question and before you know it, you’ve found something that you didn’t expect which has caused you this heartache.
If we go back to the money, rather than being grateful for the money that we didn’t expect, people complain and go, “Oh, wow. I’ve got this bill out of nowhere that I didn’t know it was going to come. I’ve got to use these funds to pay this money.” It’s the same if we start to think about our relationship. It’s happened for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is for you personally, that’s something we all need to delve into ourselves, but if somethings not going right, it’s happened for a reason.
It’s interesting because I have a friend who once told me this story. He was Italian and as a young boy, he realized that he was gay. As you can imagine, Italian families, let’s say probably would about 30 years ago now, they really weren’t accepting of that. He knew that if he told his parents and his family that it would not only break their heart, but other consequences could happen and he was really worried about it. He said at that time, he met this other guy and this other guy gave him the strength and the will to be able to come out. That relationship didn’t last for more than, I think, three or four years, but he said years later as an adult, they caught back up and they went and had a coffee and he was expecting to see this amazing person that was the person that gave him the strength to come out and tell his family.
What happened as when they met, he said he’d stayed where he was as that person maybe 20 or 30 years earlier. He said, “I’d grown and became someone completely different. But that person came into my life just when I needed someone to help me get to where I needed to go. That person came into my life to give me the strength to be able to stand up for what I wanted out of my life.”
I took on board this whole journey thing that he was telling me about because, as he said, he’d moved into different relationships and he’d meet different people and each of those people that he met taught him new things, he moved up in the ranks of his job and role and so he grew and evolved. The person that he put most of in his mind, the person that helped him become the man he was, when he finally went back and met him, he was that same person that he was years and years earlier.
That’s always stuck in my mind because when I think about my own relationship with my ex-husband, I’m so grateful to have been married to that man because I have three beautiful children, I learnt things that I would have learnt if I hadn’t been married to him, and they could even just be skills on how to handle difficult situations. It can be a what I really wanted to learn in my life and who it is that I want to become when I grow up and become older. There’s lessons in everything, and when we accept it, we can see the good for what came out of it as well.
Hopefully, now you’re starting to understand that the future doesn’t need to be hard. It doesn’t need to be sad and it doesn’t need to be lonely. You had glimpses of happiness and sometimes you might even find yourself laughing when you’re in this stage of acceptance and you know that life can once again be great if not better than you ever expected. You realize, too, that nothing comes unless you change or do it yourself.
This here is where you take back control. You must do this yourself. In other word, feeling sorry for yourself is exhausting you have had enough. You want to be happy and you want to start living again. You can’t imagine every being any lower than how you feel and that’s what’s happened when you come out of overwhelm and you move into acceptance. You’ve never probably been lower in your life. I can remember saying that I felt like I was dirt under a snail. You can’t get any smaller than a snail and I just felt like I was underneath the snail. That’s how I saw myself in the journey of life.
You start to take control of your surroundings and you have order back in your life. At this stage, for me, I started walking. I can remember that I had been having a few glasses of wine, and I spoke about this last week, my house was a mess, I had no control over what we were eating, and I was in chaos. There’s no doubt about it. The way I cleared my mind was I starting walking. To give you some idea, I was walking 30 kilometers every day. For those who don’t use kilometers, that’s 18 miles. That’s how far I was walking. I broke it into 10 in the morning, 10 in the afternoon, and 10 at night. Because it was how I just knew I had to get out, I had to think clearly, I had to look around me, I had to take control. The consequence of the walking was that then I started to get fitter, I lost weight, I didn’t want to eat so much junk, and it just had a snowball effect.
It was at this stage that I felt like I had been reborn and I felt strong enough to start talking about what had occurred. I also came to the conclusion that I was not blameless in this situation and I had to take some responsibility. We spoke about this last week. Responsibility, no matter what, there’s two parties in every relationship and both sides have to take some form of responsibility. I’m not talking about domestic violence or those sorts or relationships, I’m talking about just the ones that other issues have happened. Violence is not okay.
You start wanting answers, but where do you look? And if you don’t protect yourself, no one else will. That was when I realized that if I don’t do this for myself, no one else will. The the people around you will be very supportive if you have a really close family network, and that was me. My family were simply wonderful. They helped in every way possible, but it was still me that had to accept their help and it was still me that had to make sense of what had happened in my life.
I’ve never been clinically depressed or being diagnosed with that, but for this short period of my life, I can understand possibly what that is like. Everything was black. It’s the only way I can describe it. It was just such bleakness of the situation. Then you transition into this light. On occasion, you see rainbows. Knowing that is where you want to continually live is what helped me shift from overwhelm into acceptance.
Your inner voice is telling you to put on your big person undies, even though some days you don’t have the strength to do that. You start having inner dialogue with yourself and start talking in a positive manner. “I can do this. I will do this. I am strong. I can learn. I am fine.” and then repeat them. “I can do this. I will be fine. I am strong. I can learn.” The reason I put in “I can learn.” is because quite often I hear people say, “I’m not smart enough.” and I say, “That’s garbage. Everyone is smart enough. You just need to be willing to learn.” When you have the ability to control your future, what happens, it does not matter what the future brings, no one can take away what is inside your mind or inside your brain. If you lose all of your money again tomorrow, you can start up because you’ve learnt things, you’ve learnt lessons and that’s what this is all about.
This isn’t your reality right now and nothing will change that. Acceptance is knowing that you will not like the position that you’re in, but it is what it is. Nothing will go back to where you were before. This does not mean that you have to like it, it just means that you can move on from here.
I’ll tell you a secret that got me moving, and it’s not an emotion that I use today but it was what fueled me to get back up and running in life back them. The emotion was revenge. You might think to yourself, “Geez, this is not something that Tanya talks about or teaches or believe in.” but here’s the thing, it was not revenge in terms of “I’m going to take everything from you legally.” because that control– That simply doesn’t happen. The court system control what you are and aren’t entitled to. When I hear people say, “I’m going to destroy them. I’m going to take everything from them.” the only person hurting in that scenario is the person who thinks that way. However, without a doubt, is the lawyer. They would love to hear those comments. They would be rubbing their hands together saying, “We’ve got a cash cow right here. Bingo.” Talk about revenge, I don’t mean that.
I’m talking about in a way my ex-husband was not aware of. It was revenge that he didn’t even know I had. I was an inner deal I made with myself and not in a vindictive way at all. Not to get back at him, it was that maybe one day, he would look back and think, “I should have valued my relationship higher.” or “I should have treated her differently. She was priceless in my life.” My revenge, for me, was to show my kids that things could go wrong, but mom was able to turn her life around and she was able to make a difference. She was strong and wiser than we ever considered possible. I needed this as fuel for that period in my life. It was what started my motor.
This may not be what you need to get your life back on track, but consider what could fuel your motor. What is it that could have the greatest impact on your life? What is it that you think you could use as the power to get you up and running again? What is it that could change everything for you? For me, the revenge was not to be vindictive, the revenge was for me internally to say, “I want to show my kids that everything can be okay. I want my ex-husband one day to turn around and look back and go, ‘Wow. I let go–‘ or ‘I didn’t protect the most priceless thing in my life.'” and I wanted to get my life back on track. This may not be what would be right for you. You need to pick and choose what that is but that’s what I chose. I no longer need these feelings and refuse to have revenge in my life, but at that particular moment, I can say it was simply what got me up and going again. I used it just as the will power to get back and keep going. You need to find out what that is for you.
The steps to address the feelings of acceptance are: Accepting does not mean that you need to like it, agree with it, choose it, or even support it. You don’t need to like what has happened to you, but if you resist it, it’s like friction in the world. The forces are rubbing against each other, and medical research has shown in the case of pain, that if you accept it rather than reject it, then you can move forward and address what’s causing the pain. In other words, if you don’t accept it, you’re causing yourself undue suffering and we don’t want that for you.
Accepting is also an ongoing process and it needs to be practiced regularly. It’s like starting a new path in your brain. Accepting is a skill that you need to continue to work on and evolve. Our minds will allow thoughts to pop back in in which may bring up these emotions. It is up to us to accept or reject those thoughts and then to move on and it’s such a skill to learn. You might do that via meditation or you might do it by positive thinking. You could do that any way that you find will allow you to control those thoughts. It could even be some personal development which we will talk about next week in focus.
Accepting is a major turning point in your happiness. Accepting also means that you can start working on changing things. When you accept the situation, you have inner peace because there’s no dialogue going on anymore. You can move on and make a change on your life and your future, not because you are weak, but the complete opposite because you are strong.
The feelings you have today will be different in the future, but you need to start somewhere and everyone has a right to their opinion and their beliefs. Accepting your life has changed or does not need to be negative. You need to understand that by accepting what’s happened is a powerful, powerful position to be in. Once you’ve accepted it, we can move on to focus. When we move onto focus, oh, my God. The end is in sight. And that is amazing place to be because focus– Focus is where we get planned, we get prepared, and we protect your future.
Hopefully, this podcast has been helpful and you understand why you need to accept the situation you’re in. Next week, we’re going to talk about focus and how to get focus and the reason that it is so beneficial to your overall outcome, not just for your divorce, but for the rest of your life. Think about how you might accept your situation, think about what could be a major driver to get you to accept it. Like I said, I used revenge. Revenge doesn’t need to be something that you use, but it was what got my motor started and got me up and running again because I really want you to be successful in this life. I don’t want divorce to be the thing that you are remembered for. I want you to be remembered for amazing things that you do in your life.All right, that’s it for this week. Thanks for listening and I look forward to chatting with you next week about focus.
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