Are you sick and tired of the fighting and want it to go away? I was once in a similar state in my life but I found the way to move on. On this podcast I discuss the lessons I have learnt looking back and how I now find inner peace to help me make the RIGHT decisions.
My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce
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[00:00:00] Hey and welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. I hope you’ve had an amazing week. It’s- it’s been a long week for me as usual, trying to start some new processes and procedures to streamline our clients’ journeys fold them and make things so much easier.
You know today with the technology that we have, we live in such an amazing world. There’s these new ways to get disclosure from clients which just makes their life easier, makes a the life of the lawyer easier, and that’s what my job is all about.
If I can streamline whatever it is for the client, for the lawyer, for everyone involved, it keeps costs down and it makes everyone’s life happy and that’s truly what I’m trying to achieve. I just want this whole process of separation and divorce to be a streamline, as efficient, as quick as possible so people [00:01:00] can move on with their life.
In the coming weeks, I’m going to be doing some podcasts on inaction. For me, inaction is something that I see as a big problem and I will dive into that a little bit deeper next week and the week after.
For this week’s podcast, I wanted to go over what I’ve spoken about in the last five weeks. So, on, I think episode 24, I talked about victim. On episode 25, I talked about overwhelm. 26 was acceptance. 27 was focused, and last week was victor. I thought I’d bring it all together in this podcast and explain why it is so important that we go through each and every one of these steps.
It’s funny because I’ve witnessed it myself. I’ve seen people that have gone and tried to do this alone and they’ve missed one of the [00:02:00] pieces and all of a sudden something’s Happened and they’ve all– I referred to it in a previous podcast, it’s like a game of snakes and ladders. And all of a sudden something hasn’t been completed and they slide all the way back again and you just– You don’t want that. You don’t want to all of a sudden feel like “I’m getting somewhere. Life’s improving.” and then something happens or occurs and we go all the way back to the start. Like it’s you feel like you’ve wasted time,
you’ve wasted money, energy, and there’s so much on the table. I’ve also talked about this before. Time is something that we only have a limited amount of. Whether we like it or not, we might sit here today and think that we’ve got so much time but if you ever talk to anyone in an old-aged home, or a retirement village, they will say where did the time go like it’s just disappear.
[00:03:00] So we might feel right now that we’ve got plenty of time, but I promise you that the busier we get in life, the longer we don’t do anything, when we look back it just disappeared. So we cannot waste one more minute of our life, we can’t make mistakes. We need to get everything right, and look, if we do make mistakes, we need to learn from them and make sure that we don’t make them again. And I’m certainly not perfect.
I make plenty of mistakes. Don’t get me wrong, but I’ve learnt over the last, probably, decade what to do with those mistakes. Not to sit there anymore and dwell on them, how to turn the negative into a positive and it might sound a bit cliche, but it’s certainly how I now– I choose to live my life. “Oh, well, that’s what’s happened. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t live in the past. Let’s just move on.”
So [00:04:00] going back over the last five podcast that I’ve spoken about, let’s try and bring it all together this week. When you’re a victim, and as I explained, I’m talking about a victim of circumstance so I don’t know your personal situation. I don’t know what you’re going through so this is very generalized. Whether we like it or not, we are all victim. People don’t like that word. They don’t like to consider themselves as a victim and when I speak to them, they’ll say, “No, I’m not a victim. This is my choice. I chose to do this.” So I’m happy to move forward but we. without a shadow of a doubt, are all victims of our circumstances.
How did we find ourselves here? How did we get here? And it can be we’re a victim of our choices and who we chose to marry or got into a relationship. We did that, [00:05:00] it was our active steps and whether it be married or whatever the case may be that helped us or got us to where we are today.
So when I talk victim. that’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when were a victim, everything is all so consuming, everything is “How did I get here? What am I going to do with the children or the finances? What am I next steps?” and we feel like “This just isn’t fair. This isn’t okay. How do I fix it?” and we’re searching for the answers.
But when we’re in victim mode, in a lot of cases we’re just– Everything we’re talking about or thinking about or even living from a day-to-day perspective is all related to our past and what we’re trying to fix so wherever thinking about what it was that went wrong, our thoughts are about why we need to move on. [00:06:00] We’re often thinking about he or she said this she did this because we’re looking for reasons why the relationship didn’t work or didn’t last. We’re looking for that confirmation that we’re making the right decisions on leaving or we’re not the one that’s leaving where– And we’ve been told that the relationships over. We’re looking for evidence to prove that the relationships over or we’re looking for evidence to prove that maybe it’s not over and our partner might change and I see this a lot.
So I see people that know that things aren’t right know that they’ve got to do something about but are living in hope that their partner might change and they see these glimpses of who they really could be and who they want them to be and they just hope that this good period will continue on. I [00:07:00] truly hope that. In those cases, it’s really important to make sure that we get married guidance or support for our relationship and we try and improve it because no one wants to go through a divorce unless there’s no other option because as we all know, for a period of time the grass is not greener on the other side. So when we’re a victim, we are always thinking about the past and everything is all consuming.
Once we’ve accepted that we move into the next part, which is overwhelm. On episode 25, I talked in depth about overwhelm. So when we’re in overwhelm, we’re still attached to the past. We’re still thinking about what happened, how we built our relationship, all of the other things involved. It can be friends, family, it can be the children and we’re starting to prepare for [00:08:00] what needs to happen. So we’re still not a hundred percent accepting of where we’re going but I think overall, our body is telling us that we need to start being prepared, that things aren’t going to change and there’s probably signs that, “If I don’t do something about this, no one is.” And I often hear people say, “Well, I’ve done everything. I’m not trying any harder. It’s not my job. I want to see my partner do some things to to make some change.”
But if you consider that we’ve moved from victim and we’ve moved into overwhelm, we really are– We’ve put steps in place. We’ve probably had a conversation to say our marriage is over or our partner said that to us that, “This isn’t working. We need to find some answers. We need to move on.” and you probably have this feeling in your gut of [00:09:00] feeling sick or feeling of butterflies because that’s how you know that you’re alive. Those feelings in your gut are telling you that you’ve got something that you’re trying to either fight for or fight towards.
When were in overwhelm we need to move into that preparation– The preparation mode and that is starting to think about what does our future look like, where are we going to live. Preparing ourselves for what the future could be. If we go straight from victim into the next stage after overwhelm, which is acceptance and we don’t become prepared, what happens is will slide all the way back to victim. It’s hard because while I’m talking about this you’re probably in your mind can’t see the steps over and over again. It’s evident that this is what people [00:10:00] go through.
Once we move out of overwhelm, we move into acceptance. Acceptance is where there’s nothing we can do about it is what it is. When we were in acceptance though, what happens in a lot of cases is we start to plan and we are actively going out and looking for solutions to our problems, we’re opened to the possibility of what our future could look like. Before when we were in overwhelm, we would just attach to everything, we’re attached to, “This is what my future looks like. This is with the dreams and the hopes and the aspirations that we had as a couple.” but when we’re in planning or acceptance planning and looking at it actively, we are open to any possibility. It’s when life could be whatever we want it to be, but we need to move from overwhelm into [00:11:00] acceptance.
Then after acceptance is focus. Focus is where we are laser focused on what our future could be like. We’re so in our body, we know that everything can be better, that we are strong enough. We’re looking for ways to support our decisions and to do, that we start to protect ourselves more. By this stage, we’ve got our lawyer, we’ve spoken to our financial adviser because we’ve done a lot of that in the planning stage when we’re in acceptance so we know exactly what it is that we have to do and how we do it and then how do we protect our future. What does that look like?
When were in the focus stage, we’re quite agile so we’re prepared to change our mind. Nothing is set in stone. But if you think about when you’re in a relationship, [00:12:00] everything is pretty concrete. When we’re considering we’re back in the overwhelm and we’re talking about being attached, we are just so attached to every decision we’ve made, we’re attached to our dreams. But when we’re in focus, we’re agile, we’re happy to think about any possibility, we’re open to any possibility.
Normally at this stage that some amazing things can happen for my clients. It’s at this stage that something will just step in front of them. It could be like an opportunity for a new job that they would never ever have taken previously because as I said, their life was cemented with decisions that the couple had made. But at this focus and agile stage, opportunities normally arise which would never ever have taken place and it’s sort of like, you get to the end of a crossroads and it’s your [00:13:00] decision. You can go any way you want to go. The choice is yours and that’s what’s so amazing when we’re in that focus stage because we can focus on whatever it is we want to do, wherever we want to go, whoever we want to do it with, and the opportunities are, geez, they’re amazing.
It’s important to make sure that before we move into the focus stage that we fully accepted everything. We’ve accepted that this is now our life. We’ve accepted that it’s not going to change any more. Our marriage or our relationship has ended. When I’m talking about that, it does not mean that it has to be bad. You can be accepting that the relationship is over, but you also are prepared to focus on it being a really, really positive relationship moving forward. So hopefully you can start to see how all these pieces fit together.
[00:14:00] After focus and we’ve moved from focus and along that line is obviously being protected and agile in our decision-making, we move into being a victor. I had this picture in my mind. You’ve got your hands up in the air, you’re pumping the air, and it’s not that you’re a victor that you’ve ripped your ex off and that you’ve got more than you deserve or you’ve won the battle. It’s more that you’ve survived. “I’ve got through this. I can hold my head up high and know that I acted. In the best intentions of my family and myself. That I was the best person I could be during such a terrible time.”
Because when you’re going through something like this when people are stressed and put under pressure that is not normal., you normally see what that person truly is like at that time and if you can be an exceptional person when you’re going [00:15:00] through something like a separation or a divorce, you really get to know the sort of person you are moving forward. You get to know your breaking points, you get to know how much strength you’ve got. So many people just go, “I did not realize I was as strong as this like I had no idea I could even get through this.
So when were in that victor stage, it’s all about prosperity. It’s about prosperity of the future. It’s about the prosperity of our finances or what we’ve been able to get as a consequence of our separation, and everything in regards to what has happened, is mostly all forgotten. We’re not dwelling on the past anymore; we’re really just thinking about our future and we’ve learnt from our mistakes and anything is possible.
So as you can see we move from this all-consuming when we’re a victim and we move to [00:16:00] all forgotten when we’re a victoire. We’ve just been able to tick off each of the boxes as we move up the steps.
You’re going through a relationship breakup right now. I want you to be honest with yourself, ask yourself, which part of these steps are you right now? Are you in victim or overwhelm? And if you are, sometimes people say, “Oh, I know I think I’m a mixture of victim, overwhelm, and acceptance.” That can sometimes– That’s a sign to me that they haven’t finished everything before they’ve moved up to the next part.
So if you feel that you’re a touch victim, you’re thinking about the past, then you’re into overwhelm, you’ve got a little bit of preparation done. But you really haven’t completely got over everything in the past. You need to be taking all of the steps to finish every area because it’s at those stages where, normally, I’ll get a phone call, [00:17:00] Someone’s six months down the track and they’ll go, “Right. I thought I could do this by myself, but I’m back to where I started from.” And straight away, when I go through this with them, I can see that they haven’t finished something before they’ve started the next phase.
Make sure that you truly do every part of these five steps and that you address each of them because prosperity, when it’s all forgotten and we’re a victor, is an amazing place to be. Survival is pretty much how I like to think about it. I survived probably one of the most stressful times of my life. I really got to see the person that I could become because the person that I am now and the person that I was a decade ago, their chalk and cheese like I’ve grown and evolved into someone completely and utterly different than I even thought possible.
Just because [00:18:00] you’re evolving. It does not mean that it’s bad. It means that it could be absolutely amazing and it’s a realization and it’s being grateful and accepting your reality and then taking the steps. Life is so good. You deserve more, you can do this. You’ve got it. You just have to make sure that you address each of these stages before you go on to get a new relationship, find someone new because if you don’t address all of these, what happens is you take a lot of this leftover stuff into your next relationship and that’s when you start to see, I suppose the easiest way to describe it is, a bit like a cancer growing in your new relationship and you don’t want that. You want to make sure you’ve addressed before you move on because there’s nothing worse than moving from one relationship into another and not have finalizing everything. [00:19:00]
The stats here in Australia, which I’ve spoken about before, first-time relationship breakups– It varies but let’s say it’s 45% of first time relationships and it’s 70%. Like it’s such a high number. 70% of second time marriages end and even more staggering is third time, which is 90%. So on face value, we can look at that and just go– The evidence is there. That we are just not addressing our, let’s call it shit. We’re just not addressing it. Because we’re not addressing it, we’ve got issues and we need to sort it out before we continue moving.
All right. Well, that’s it for this week. I do have a diagram on these steps.
I’m happy to– Maybe I might put it in the show notes and you can have a look at it. But yeah, there’s a diagram there. Have a look at it. I’ll pop it in. [00:20:00] I’ll get the team to pop it up on the website and you can have a look at what each of these mean, but– Certainly, it’s important to make sure you go through each stage.
Now, as I said, next week, I want to have a chat about in action. And inaction is something I see, not only with my clients, it’s something I see with people that are going in alone, but the cost of inaction is– It can be so detrimental to your future that you need to get it sorted out.
Let’s have a chat next week. I look forward to letting you know and telling you what I think about in action and why it’s such a problem. Until then, put some steps in place. Think about where you are on my five steps, and if you haven’t addressed something, go back and address it. If you need some help or support, please let us know. We’re here to help and I’ll talk to you again next week [00:21:00] .
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