Why do we feel affected by the words someone says to us? What makes us feel bad? Is it their words or what puts us down really perhaps is in what we make those words to signify?

I’ve learned a simple system to defuse that mechanism that makes us feel sad, low, vulnerable, not good enough, enabled. In this episode, we will talk about this simple yet effective method to be truthful to yourself and achieve great things.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Lawyers and solicitors and their missions [00:02:00] 

My previous marriage was a competition [00:04:00] 

The importance of feeling good with ourselves [00:06:00] 

The power of our interpretations [00:09:00] 

How evil thoughts affect us [00:12:00] 

Our stories and beliefs [00:15:00] 

You need a different perspective [00:18:00] 

Looking back at the facts [00:21:00]

The master thought formula [00:24:00]

Links 

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome back to the divorce angel podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. And for those of you who are new to the podcast, I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know a little more about what I do and how I can help.

So I run a business called divorce angel. And what we do is we help project manage people’s divorces by putting a strategy together. And strategies are really crucial when getting divorced. The reason being when you go to a lawyer, a lawyer is really not going to look at the personal outcome that you want.

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And you might say, Tanya, that sounds ridiculous. Why else would I be seeing a lawyer and a lawyer or a solicitor or whatever country you’re working in, what they’re doing is they’re trying to get a process completed. And the process that they need to complete is obviously to get you separated from your spouse in.

Hopefully the best way possible. Now that’s the key, the best way possible. And making sure that they get it done no matter what, whatever means it takes to get it done, that could be going to court. It could be just a few legal letters depending on how the two of you are operating or working together.

But in many cases, you would have heard the horror stories. You would have spoken to people that will tell you how expensive divorce can be. If you. Uh, reactive and not proactive. So what I try to do, not only in this podcast but in my business is to provide you with, let’s call it a crystal ball into the process of divorce.

What other people have gone through, what the industry itself is telling me behind closed doors. So what lawyers in many cases. Saying is wrong with the system, how to get around those issues that are out there that, you know, many laypeople would not even know or be aware of. And quite often I say if you don’t know the right questions to ask.

How do you ever find the answers? Because that they’re, my friends are the key. How do you know what questions to ask? So leading on from this, I wanted to talk today about something. That I see as part of the divorce problem, even life in general, to be sincere, it doesn’t need to be divorced because I use what I’m going to teach you today.

In every area of my life, I was taught this skill by my mentor and. Seriously. Uh, I did not realise how I walked around my life with my blinkers on. So often previously let’s say, I thought I was a know-it-all. There’s no doubt about it. My marriage was one of competition, my ex-husband and I know it was very competitive.

One of us always had to be right. It was whether we were driving somewhere and we would both go different directions just to see who was quicker. Just didn’t matter. Like it was so exhausting. And I look back now and think to myself what a waste of time. But after 22 years of marriage, it just becomes such a habit for us.

It becomes normal. Until one day it was pointed out by my mom that she was so tired of being around the two of us that, you know, she probably wouldn’t be coming to visit as much more. Wasn’t really in those words, but that’s what she was implying. She’d had enough of the games we were applying now, why was this happening and why did I behave the way I did.

And it all comes down to interpretations. I interpreted that if I, I wanted to have any form of power in the relationship I needed to win. And let’s be honest, if someone wins, that means they must be a loser. Once again, the game of marriage, when it’s not a good marriage in my current relationship now, There are no winners and losers.

There is just equals we never ever debate over trying to make the other person right or wrong. Just doesn’t happen. We support each other in our opinions, and it’s taken me a long time to grow up and realise that this was part of my immaturity in my first relationship. I choose not to argue anymore because once, you know, as I said before when you are choosing to discuss, it means you are choosing to make someone wrong.

And why do you have to make someone wrong, simple to make you, right? And when you’re right, you feel better about yourself, correct? Here’s the thing. If you already felt good about yourself, you would not have to make someone else wrong because you already felt good about yourself. I can tell you right now with most people, and I’m talking the majority of people I work with, there is such a lack of self-love self-belief that their ego.

Has to keep fighting just to remain worthy. So let’s talk about interpretations. Interpretations are, there is no doubt about it—one of the most significant issues in our life. And if we look at what goes on around us, I can tell you right now, a minimal amount of what happens or what we believe in our thoughts are factual.

So let’s just talk about the facts. So we could talk about the realities of where someone leaves, uh, their age, their sex, maybe. Their house, whether it Bri B brick or you know, or wood, or I don’t know a cabin or straw, I don’t know. I’m just making that up. That they’re facts. So where someone leaves, what someone goes in their sex, their height, their age, the colour of their hair, they are facts, but anything else?

My different. Is interpretations and all areas of our life can evolve. This is what I have learnt. All areas of your life can develop. When you fully understand that you actually know nothing. You know, nothing, but when we’re going through a separation, we feel this need to be right. We feel this need to stand up for ourselves, and we feel this need to always make someone else wrong because if they’re wrong, we’re right.

But if we had self-love self-belief, um, even integrity, self-integrity. We wouldn’t really care what the other person said, because whether they were right or wrong, wouldn’t bother us because we would know that we are heading in the right direction and doing what you know, we should be doing. And nearly everything that, you know, will think that you know, is an interpretation formed from a belief or a story.

So, as I said to you before my story in my first marriage was around. I had to win. I had to try and find a way to, you know, beat my ex-husband. We had a tennis court and, you know, I would sit there during the week when my ex-husband was at work. And. Um, go right. I’m going to go down to the tennis court and get the ball machine out, and I’m going to hit a thousand balls just so when we play our game on the weekend or after work one night, I’m going to beat him.

Like they were sort of some of the things that I was thinking about rather than going. Well, it’s a beautiful day. I’m going to go down and hit some balls and just enjoy myself. Like I put this pressure on me to always beat him because if I didn’t beat him, that would mean I would lose. And then as our relationship.

Got to the really pointy end of the unhappiness that competition just got out of hand. And these were interpretations that I was making. So let me explain to you this four-step process that my mentor taught me that I now use because if you’re feeling enabled, that’s because of how you are interpreting things.

Let’s just imagine right now that. I don’t know, you’re feeling, you’re feeling sad. You’re feeling unhappy. You’re feeling all of the negative emotions that come with a relationship breakdown. And let’s be honest, that’s natural. Correct. Now, before you feel those emotions, the sad or the unhappy or the lonely, whatever it is.

Before that, you had a thought, and the thought precedes your feeling. So if you’re feeling sad, lonely, or not worthy, or let’s just say upset it’s because before you felt that way you were having those feelings or those thoughts, let me only cement this and try and get this through. Just recall the last time.

If it’s if you don’t feel like that now, just stop for a minute. Take a deep breath and think back to the last time you had terrible thoughts now, what did you do afterwards? After you had these evil thoughts, did you feel energetic and invigorated? Did you feel like I’m going to take the world on, or did you feel like just watching Netflix, sleeping, eating, junk food, looking for some way to make you feel happy?

Could even have been substance abuse or I don’t know, whatever it is that maybe you. Might have done after the bed thoughts, because I can tell you right now, everyone. Everyone will not feel energetic after evil thoughts. It’s a proven fact. It’s not like you’re going to go, for instance, you’re an Olympic athlete, but you’re not going to perform at your best.

If you think, Oh, I’m not going to win this. I’m going to get, you know, you’re already setting the intention that you’re not gonna. When the rice or whatever it is, but if you go into the rice thinking, yes, I’ve got this on the best I’m going to do better than ever before. I’m going to break some record.

You’re more inclined to do it because you’re having those positive thoughts in your mind. So this is the start of hopefully starting to make sense to you, right? If you can get these one point, this is the start of it. So interpretations your beliefs and stories mixed together to form thoughts and then pleasant thoughts become the tripwire to feeling bad.

So acknowledging the feelings of bad or sad or whatever it is the number one key. What you need to do is recognise that I don’t feel okay. I feel sad or sinister or lonely, whatever it is that has caused you to feel that way. Once you’ve done that, you, you sort of telling yourself, I am feeling this way because of interpretations I am making, this is the first realisation I am feeling this way because of interpretations on miking.

Now, the second step is to ask yourself, what are these interpretations I’m making? For instance, he said this, she said that this means that or so on. These are all interpretations. You do not know with 100% certainty that what that person, whether it be your ex, whether it be a mother-in-law, whether it be someone on Facebook, whatever their case might be, you do not know with 100 % certainty why they did what they did.

Why is this important? Well, I’m working with some clients at the moment, and I can tell you the interpretations of why someone or their partners are making the decisions they are making. They are so embedded in their thought process. They can not see any other way around it. But when I throw into the scenario, actually, what about X, Y, or Zed?

They have never, ever considered it because of how they’ve been bought up because of their beliefs, stories, and relationships. They can’t see that their partners could be making decisions for entirely different reasons than what they are interpreting. And that they’re, my friends is where the trouble starts.

Because when we’re interpreting what someone else may be thinking, we are making it from a position of non-factual beliefs. And that is what we want to try and stop why you might ask because it’s when you think someone is doing something for the reason that it may not be accurate. Or my possibly is not 100% true when you make decisions from that point, that’s when things can get out of control, and you do it because you think you need to, to actually protect yourself.

But for every action, there is a reaction. And when you are protecting yourself from something that is actually not true, you can cause a wall. So, well, if you continue to put your filter of reality on the words and actions that others make, that’s where you are making interpretations. So ask yourself, what interpretation am I making right now? Or, to make it even simpler, how do I know that this is 100% true? So that’s step two, step three. What are the seven interpretations I can make? Why seven? Well, by taking the time to get to three or four, What you’re actually doing. They’re relatively easy. Aren’t they? So think of something that happened right now and maybe do this exercise with me while I’m talking through, think of a moment right now, where something happened, and you interpreted someone or someone to mean something, and you took offence to it or.

You have been hurt by it. Now let’s go through seven reasons why they may have done what they’ve done. So the first three or four are relatively easy to come up with. We will come up with them really only. But once you get past four, you need to actually start thinking differently. You need to even have a different perspective because everything we believe is filtered through our interpretations of a situation.

So by the time you get to five, you start thinking, this is beginning to get a little bit difficult. And by the time we get to seven, you’ve stretched yourself. To see someone else or get another perspective of the situation and when things can start to change. By the time, in many cases that I get to six or seven, usually a little bit funny.

And I’ve talked about this on previous podcasts where I talk about my husband and when he comes home, and he may have had a bad day, and he says something, and I would use to take it the wrong way and golf and silk, or consider how I would come back and former a conversation with him around. Why I felt the way, I did.

And now what I do is I go through the seven reasons. I, okay.  I’ve upset him. Oh, he’s, you know, had a bad day at work. Um, someone cut him off in traffic. He may have had a car accident on the way home, something terrible happened at work, and he was injured. Maybe he’s, you know, he’s got a headache. Uh, maybe he’s, you know, nearly wet his pants he’s run to the toilet.

I don’t know. But you know, by the time I get to six and seven, some of them are so ridiculous that I start to laugh at myself and I de-escalate the situation. So I start to go, no, this, this, this is just, you know, it’s not even worth worrying about where before in my previous relationship, what I would have done is I would have my interpretation of why my ex-husband may have done something with.

I always have been an attack on me or an attack on this is a competition or trying to outdo me, or this means he doesn’t love me, or this means he’s angry with me. And none of that was true. Looking back now. None of it was true. To take off those interpretation glasses you’re wearing around each and every day, you need to start thinking about things differently, because if you continue to make decisions on what you believe to be true.

And as I said before, when we look back at the facts, the facts are your age, where you leave all of those things, they’re facts. But every thought we have is in interpretation, formed around the stories and the beliefs and how we’ve grown up and our indoctrination of whatever it be, whether it be politics or religion or schooling or whatever.

So many people leave an imprint on us. And it’s there in print. And I’ve spoken about that before and mention me wearing a white suit, and someone comes up to hug me, and they’re covered in mud. All of a sudden, all of their mud is over my white suit. And that then means I am carrying their beliefs with me because their dirt is now on me and that’s what we have to stop.

And so he is the key. You then need to ask yourself once you’ve gone through the seven, either, if you’re anything like me, you start to laugh and go. This is so ridiculous. Don’t even worry about it. What you have to do, look at the seven that you’ve come up with and what is the most empowering interpretation you can make?

For instance, I have a client right now, and he and his wife are really. Uh, at the pointy end of the negotiations, she’s really pushing his buttons. No doubt about it. He’s a very kind and caring person. He’s tried to go out of his way to negotiate and to look after her and whatever, but she’s turning everything around to mean something else.

He could do one or two things. He could sit there and believe, and let’s say he. He thought to himself, she’s nothing but a bitch. I can’t believe after everything I’ve done, this is how she’s treating me. Or he could go into she’s really struggling right now. She’s worried about her future. She’s concerned about what’s going to happen to the kids.

She actually still cares about me, and she’s trying everything she can just to survive. Like if, if he goes through the seven. Raisins. He’s going to develop more on why she’s doing it because of her struggles rather than the fact that it’s an attack on him. Can you see how powerful this skill is?

It’s so powerful. And then step four is to move your attention. And I’ve talked about this also before. This is the master thought formula. My thoughts are an illusion. I am the thinker of my thoughts, and I move my attention to, and that’s the key. So once you’ve then come up with your seven and you’ve got one that, that really empowers you rather than disempowers you and have you lying on the couch and watching Netflix and whatever the case might be.

You change it all around, and you go with the most empowering one, and then you feel energetic, then you feel like you can get up and do things. Then you feel like that this is not an issue tack on you. You just interpreted it that way. And this is the most powerful thing I have ever learned. Especially in the last, probably 10 years, because every time something happens to me and I interpret it as something that it’s not, I can use the master thought formula.

I can change my beliefs. I can change my interpretations of the situation. And I am then empowered to do something differently. That’s also why, when you have someone like myself on your team, it makes such a difference to how you make decisions because let’s be honest. All around. You have a look around you right now.

You’ve probably got people that love and support you and really care about you. And let’s just name them the yes. People. So these are all the people that you have around you in your support network, you know, they’re, they’re your friends, your family, um, People at work possibly. And when you’re feeling low, this is the problem that many, many people get into when you’re down, the people that love and care about you the most, they want to bring you up.

And when they want to bring you up, what they do is they encourage you to belief what you believe to be true. Because if they say that you’re wrong, then, of course, you’re going to feel worse. Aren’t you? So they. Encourage you to think that what you’re thinking is true, this is where this skill that I’ve just taught you is so powerful because you can get yourself out of this funk yourself.

You don’t need these people around you to be telling you. Yes. Yes, you’re right. You’re right. When actually you’re not. But when you work with someone like me, this is where the difference comes in because I don’t know anything about your partner or what you’re going through, and it does not interest me really.

Anything to do with them, because I know so much about interpretations. And I often say when someone tells me something, I take it with a grain of salt, as much as I care about the emotions and what you feel. My job is to help you understand what you think may not be real because you’re interpreting it in a particular way.

And that’s the most empowering thing that I can do for anyone. If I can teach you that actually what you’re feeling. There’s ease comes from a thought, and that thought may not be real. It’s just how you’ve interpreted it. It can change your life. It can adjust all of the decisions you make. It can save you an absolute fortune.

But people think they can do this alone. People think they’ll do it with the people around them. They’re yes. People that want them to be happy and encourage them to believe what they’re feeling is valid. When actually it’s highly likely that it’s not true. It’s just how you need to protect yourself right now because you have so much, some people might call it.

Self-loathing could be, you know, not loving yourself because when you love yourself, You believe in yourself and when you believe in yourself yet, just get it done. So this has been a pretty powerful podcast today, and I hope it makes sense to you because the skills that I’ve taught you can implement them in every area of your life, work relationships, you know, sporting every area of your life.

Yeah, we can use this start drop when you’re driving a car, and someone cuts in front of you and you think to yourself, what a, you know, what a pig, I can’t believe that person did that. When who’s to say his wife may not be in labour who’s to say someone may have passed away and his family and he’s rushing to get to someone.

He loves who’s to say that it’s not something completely different to what you interpret. And I can honestly tell you that if you really are truthful with yourself, it’s more inclined to be something different from you think because you are making interpretations on the day you have had. So if you’ve had a shitty day and someone cuts you off straight away, you’re going to go to the fact that they did that for X, Y, and Zed.

When maybe it could have been something completely different. All right. My darlings have a great day, and I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye. 

 

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