Of course, there is no such thing as the perfect person. Even after a lot of personal growth and spiritual evolution, there are always things we can do better. And the main goal shouldn’t be reaching perfection, but keep growing, facing our flaws and learning to forgive ourselves. We need to accept that it is okay if we are not perfect, and only when we dare to admit we were wrong and we want to create change in our lives, is when the real growth begins. In this episode, I’d like to ask you, are you happy with who is staring back in your reflection?  

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

One of my first discoveries [00:01:00] 

It is okay not to be perfect [00:03:00] 

Are you always late? [00:05:00] 

The importance of learning to listen [00:07:00]

My former relationship with money [00:09:00] 

How I spend my money now [00:11:00] 

Am I really on debt? [00:13:00] 

How I deal with money pitfalls [00:15:00] 

The moment I knew I had to leave [00:18:00]

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m really excited to be here today because I want to talk about a very dear topic to my heart. It’s something that I have certainly seen as one of the most significant evolutions of Tanya. And I would say something that I’ve really worked on transforming in my life.

As a younger person, and I’ve spoken about this before. I don’t know, everything was a battle. When I was married, everything was a battle. It was a competition. My ex-husband was very competitive, and I turned into a competitive person. But more than that, I turned into this person that always had to be right.

You know, I would argue, I would always have the last word. Pretty tough to be saying that out loud because it was not pleasant. I look back, and there’s so much that I didn’t know, but I thought I knew. And the greatest thing I’ve discovered is the more you know, the least you actually know.

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The more questions that you have answered, then the more questions there are. So I’ve become this chalk and cheese to who I was in my twenties and thirties. I’ve come to understand that I know nothing. I simply know nothing. I understood that the person that looks back at me from my mirror every day is growing and evolving. And doing her damnedest to be better than she was the day before.

And part of that growth and evolution comes back to being honest with yourself and understanding where you can do better. Where are your weakest at points where you could be changing some of your habits? Some of the things you do without knowing that you do it and being aware of the things that sort you down.

And an easy way to sort of get you to understand what I’m talking about is when we look in the mirror, and sometimes someone will say something about you and will not want to accept it. Because you do not want to believe that it’s true. And throughout this podcast, what I want you to discover is that it’s okay.

It is okay to say that you’re not perfect. You need to transform, and that you need help because it’s when you have the courage. You have convictions to actually put your hand up and say that you’re not perfect. That’s where all of the growth really happens. 

I want you to ask yourself some of these questions. Are you a person that is always late, or are you on time? Do you argue, or do you often give in? Are you always right and never wrong? Are you good with money, or are you always broke?

And do you hide from your problems, or do you attack them head-on? Are you fearful, or are you hopeful? Do you put things off? Or do you do them straight away? Are you messy, or are you clean?

Each and every one of those questions has its opposite. Most of us would like to think that we take the higher ground. Most of us would like to think we do the right thing. But when I go through this list, I can tell you, are you always late? I used to be, probably permanently. That showed that I didn’t respect the people I was either meeting or didn’t appreciate the people I was going to meet. Because I thought I was more critical, possibly. Am I always early now? Spot on. I’m always first. If anything. Yeah. I strive to get early at meetings because I want to be there and be aware of what’s going on in my environment before I get somewhere. 

If I’m having a zoom meeting, I’m always generally on it a few minutes before the time starts. I do those things on purpose because it’s a habit I wanted to get into.

Do you argue, or do you give in? Depending on the relationship that you’ve been in if you don’t like the conflict, you might have given in. And when I was in my marriage, I started off always arguing because I felt like I was being hurt. And if you’ve got a friend or that person in your life that every time talks over you, the reason that they talk over you is that they don’t feel like they’ve been heard.

So they feel like they have to quickly say what’s on their mind, or they might forget it. Or if they don’t talk over you before you finished your sentence, um, that they’ll quickly get their point across. All of those things go back to our behaviours from childhood. Or how we’ve evolved in our relationship.

But it’s something that can undoubtedly change because I used to argue all of the time. For God’s sake, I debated about discussing, and the thought of giving in meant that he was winning. And even if I had no idea what we were talking about, I would just make it up. Today, I don’t argue or give in because I’ve learned that by listening to what other people say, I really don’t have to have an opinion. I don’t need to be in the nitty-gritty of the drama. I don’t need to be involved in every political talk about COVID or what’s going on. I don’t need to be watching on Facebook while people post all of their opinions. I don’t need to take all of that energy and emotion.

So I choose to be off the world, not in it. And I’m not going to argue, and I’m not going to give in because I don’t have an opinion on a subject. Some of you heard me say this before if you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong place. Because you’re the sum of the five people, you spend the most time with.

People that have something to teach you. You shouldn’t be arguing or giving in, you should be listening. 

And then, are you good with money or always broke? So in my previous life, I was every time broke. Personally broke if I think about it. So we bought in good money from our business, but I would have money in my wallet. And I would have to spend every cent of that wallet because what I thought is if I purchased something, it would make me feel better. So if I bought something for the kids or bought something for my ex-husband and I provide happiness to them, it would fulfil a joy in me for even a short period.

And I can honestly say I was always broke. Well, personally broke, not as a couple, we weren’t until, you know, obviously our relationship broke down. But personally, I would spend money to fulfil a need to be happy. And a lot of women do that. A lot of women think that they’ve got to have the best handbag, the best shoes, the latest whatever. And by doing that, It will make them feel happy. The problem being happiness starts on the inside, not externally and not from products or anything like that. Possessions don’t make you happy. You make you happy.

Ask yourself. When you go and buy something, do you purchase something because you want to save money? You buy something because you’re going to make money from whatever it is that you’re buying? These two different ways of looking at money. I’ll tell you how you. I think so if you want to save money, so you want to search and find the cheapest TV out there, then what would happen is you’re the sort of person that wants to try and have a surplus of money. So if I can save some money here, what that means is I might have a little bit more in my back pocket that I can spend on something else. Or maybe even save it, but when it comes to investing money, or I want to buy something because I’m going to make money from it, you have a different mindset. 

I want to save money, and I would barter for everything to now when I purchase something, I am buying it because it’s gonna make me wealthier in the long run. So I’m happy to have a loan or have debt if I know that I’ve got good debt because it’s building wealth for me.

So my mindset on those two subjects has entirely changed. 

And then the next question I asked you was, do you hide from your problems, or do you attack them head-on? In my corporate life, one would have been seen as being reactive, compared to proactive. So do you like to react once everything has gone wrong, or do you want to prevent it from going bad?

And many people will leave everything until it’s entirely out of control and then put their hands up in the air and go, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to do. And this might be you. But then they often say, I don’t know how I found myself in this position? And I’ve been there. So everything I’m talking about right now that was the old me.

I would ask myself how the hell did I get to this position? I don’t even know how I got here. But here I was. Today I don’t do that. Today I make sure I’m in front of everything that is happening in my life. I want to attack every problem I have head-on. So for instance, I would hide from bills years ago, and today, if I get something in an email that says, Oh, you owe money. I will pay that bill before the due date. Recently, I got a letter from one of my properties from the body corporate. They were giving my details to a credit collector because I hadn’t paid my property management fees. And I opened it up, and the first thing I do is quickly get on the phone.

And I don’t ask to talk to the receptionist or to the person that I usually talk to. I go straight to the top, and I said to them, I’ve just received the email that’s telling me that you’re giving my details to a credit company because I haven’t paid my account. I’m entirely unaware of this. Can you please explain a little bit more? Anyway, turned out that it was a simple mistake with a new staff member and they hadn’t allocated a payment that I’d made many months earlier to my account. Years ago, I would have gone to bed. I would have worried sick about it. Oh, my goodness. They’re going to come and get me. They’re going to take away my house. There’s this big guy’s going to come banging on my door. Like you’ve been there, had all these awful thoughts. But today, I control as much as I possibly can in my life. I manage my payments. I make sure I’ve paid everything on time.

So when it comes to these things, I’m not scared to ring up and have a conversation. This is the greatest listen that I could share, rather than ignoring the problem and attacking it head-on. Because even if you own money to businesses, by ringing them and having a conversation, that’s all they want. They just want to hear from you. They just want to know that you’re aware of the problem and you can go into a payment plan. You can do anything. They can’t force you to pay when you don’t have the money to pay. But if you ring up and say, I’m happy to pay $20 a week, or, you know, whatever you can possibly afford. What you’re doing is you’re showing incentive and businesses like that. So please do that. 

If you feel you’re in a financial pitfall ring up the people that you owe money to. And just ask them what is possible. Can I go into a plan with you? But don’t go to bed at night, worrying sick about what could happen, like I used to do.

And then the next question I asked you was, are you fearful or hopeful? And I’m incredibly hopeful. We are such lucky people, the simplest things in life bring me the most straightforward joy. It took me a long time to learn this lesson, as well. Still, it’s undoubtedly, gratitude makes a difference every day to people.

If every day you can think of the simplest things that make you happy, it can make such a difference.

And then, are you messy or are you clean? Because how you do one thing, my friends, it’s how you do everything. 

So when I’m working with a client, I know precisely the sort of person they are by some of these questions, I can work out how they operate.

So let’s assume that we all have an operating system inside of our head. The answers to a lot of these questions will tell me how a person thinks and if they run away from their problems or if they attack them. We don’t want to be always on the back foot. We want to be moving forward. So out of these podcasts, what I’d really like you to do is be honest with yourself, really, really for the first time, give yourself this gift.

Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself these questions again, and if you can do better, then be better. If you can do better changing a habit that you’ve got, or what’s known as a meta-program, you could have a whole different life. Because a lot of these negative things that I used to do, they were leading me to a place in life that I didn’t want to go to.

Like now, it annoys me to think that I was so ignorant. That I wasn’t even prepared to listen. And I’ve said this before one day, my mom just said to me, I want the old Tanya back. And that was like the slap across the face that I needed to wake up and say, it’s time to grow up and stop being so childish and always competing.

And it was also that moment that I knew I had to leave. My behaviours and my me as a person had changed so much. I wasn’t a nice person any more. Today, I’ll be honest, I’m really proud of who I am, and I strive every day to be better, to try harder. And I am far from being perfect. I’ve got a long way to go, a hell of a long way to go. But the difference is like I said before, I know nothing. So because I know nothing, every little bit of new information I learned makes me a better person. And I’m so open to it. What anyone asks can teach me because other people’s lessons just make me a better person.

So hopefully, my friends there’s been some insight here for you. 

If you are going through a separation, the mud from your ex has rubbed off on your white suit. And if you’ve never heard me talk about the white suit before I talk about it with my clients. 

If you imagine that your ex is cover in the mud. They rode around in mud everywhere, and you’re standing there in a freshly pressed, beautifully clean sparkling white suit. And they walk up and hug you. What happens is all of their mud ends up all over your white suit. And that’s what happens when we take on other people’s habits. And in a lot of cases, that’s not true. But you can start to discover that you’re taking on the person that you’re living with. You’re taking on their bad points and the things that really aren’t important to you, but all of a sudden you’ve taken them over. 

But now that you’re moving on, it’s time to take the white suit off. Get rid of the mud and become the real person that you were always meant to be. Get rid of all of the bad points, all of the things that haven’t made you happy. All of the things that have kept you tied down. But when you look in the mirror today, I want you to look at it, and I want you to ask yourself, some of these questions. And address the ones that you can fix. All right. My darlings. It’s so lovely to talk to you again today, and I’ll speak to you again next week. Bye. For now.

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