Reaching awareness in life is as challenging as crucial. The hard part is acknowledging our mistakes and flaws – the lack of integrity towards ourselves. The benefits on the other hand are infinite. Awareness is the most liberating feeling you ever have in your life. When you are aware of what’s going on, you can act responsibly. Walk with me through this episode, and I will share with you the benefits of being aware during and after a divorce process. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

Why we don’t want to reach awareness? [00:01:20] 

Awareness and our values at stake. [00:02:00]

Facing our lack of integrity. [00:05:00] 

Being aware of our issues. [00:06:30]

The way we do something, we do everything. [00:07:40]

Awareness is being in charge. [00:10:30]

What is it that you are not aware that you could change?  [00:12:00]

Where are you not aware of your responsibility? [00:14:00]

You are the person who decides where your life goes. [00:16:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week’s podcast. I thought this week we would have a chat about awareness. Awareness is something that we think that we’ve got, but unfortunately, we don’t have very much at all. And I am a prime example of this. If you would have asked me years ago, are you aware of your surroundings? Or, are you aware of your actions? Are you aware of what’s going on in your life? I would have said yes, of course, I am. The truth of the matter is, I wasn’t. I wasn’t at all. And looking back, maybe I might have been aware, like 30, 40%, but not as much as I thought I was. 

The reason we don’t want to look at our awareness is that if we do, we need to look at all of our faults. We need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, why are we acting this way, why we do the things we’re doing? 

1:57  

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And the most important thing comes to self-integrity. How integral are you? And if you’d asked me years ago, what were my top priorities, I would have said over and above everything else, integrity was my number one quality or my number one value. 

Everything I did, I did it with integrity. Now, fast forward to where I am today, I realized even though I thought I was integral, there were so many things that I was doing, that were not. 

Let me explain this a little bit more. Recently, we’ve done some sales calls. We’ve had a few people wanting to book into my calendar. Several people wanted to understand how I can help them get through their divorce.

Whilst the lawyers worry about the legal part of getting divorced, it’s the emotional side that everyone struggles. When we are emotional, we make the worst mistakes in our lives. They’re costly, they can take us down a tunnel that we might not come back. And I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, where people make bad choices because they are at that particular stage.

Their first reaction is full of negativity. They say: “I want to get back at that person. I want to retaliate. I want to see them hurt as much as I am hurting right now” And because of that, they make wrong decisions.

3:59  

I want to ask you this. Where else in your life do you display these traits? 

Going back to the clients booking into my calendar, yesterday, I had a day full of appointments. And my number one goal, after I’ve spoken to someone, is to let that person know that firstly, they’re supported. But secondly, for them to leave me better off than when they called. It is so critical for me to let that person know that everything will be okay. There will be bad days, and there will be good days. This is what I can offer them, but if they do not want to work with me, this is what they need to do to make sure that they’ve got a clear picture of how the future looks like. 

Yesterday, a few people accepted the meeting invitations. I then sent text messages to confirm and then, they didn’t show up. 

That’s okay. I understand that when we’re going through a divorce, what happens is we get out of hand, it’s a bad time for us.

But then I get text messages, later on, oh, sorry, I missed the call. 

5:31  

Can you ring me now? And all the rest of it. And that’s when we put pressure on other people, that they have awareness about what the future looks. So that when you say something you do it, because of self-integrity and awareness, some of the most valuable things we can have as human beings. 

Now let’s go back to why your relationship may have broken up, and it may be because of this reason.

If I talk about myself here, it is because you can learn from my mistakes. I was the sort of person that when my ex-husband and I had a conversation, and I didn’t like the answer, I would brood. I would go quiet for days because I always had to be right. I’d never apologized. I look back now and see that these are awful traits. To have a successful relationship, you must communicate. 

6:35  

And if someone says something to you, it’s your personal ability to either allow that affect you, or trigger you, or not.

The differences between how I live my life now is chalk and cheese. How Richard and I live our lives today is completely different. He can do things that may have triggered before, but I don’t allow them to bother me anymore because I’m aware. 

I’m not aware of his issues. I’m aware of my issues, and being aware of that helped me make better choices and better decisions. So going back to the people that have booked into my calendar, are they aware of what they’re doing in other people’s lives? Are they aware that booking in and then don’t show up shows a strong lack of self-integrity? 

8:07  

And I wonder where else in their lives they do that same thing? Do they put themselves above everyone else? Is that what they’re doing in their relationship? And it doesn’t mean that those things can’t change. But what it does mean is if they are aware of it, they might be respectful of other people. And talking about awareness is just not about self. It’s also about external in your life. So being aware of what’s going on around you is important. Being aware of other people’s emotions. Being aware of what is expected of you, and even being aware that the decisions that you make are your responsibility, no one else’s. And this is what I learned when I was going through my divorce. Every decision I made, every choice I made, fell back on me and my shoulders. 

I do sales calls or sales inductions with clients, and when we’re talking about their divorce, I ask them what is the greatest struggle? Now, 80% of everyone I talked to, their greatest struggle is overwhelming. And if you look at my five steps to a seamless divorce, we go through “Victim, Overwhelm, Acceptance, Focus, and Victor”. These are the five stages of divorce. 

When people talk about overwhelm, they talk about the stress in the stomach. They feel stuck in action. While they can’t make a decision, it all comes back to overwhelm. And the way you address overwhelm is by chunking it down. 

Imagine you choose a lawyer, and that lawyer writes a letter for you.

10:25  

If there are spelling mistakes or issues within the letter or the letter does not get sent to the right email address, or you are not copied in, or something like that happens, you need to be aware. Because right from the word go if that’s how the correspondence, or the work that they’re doing starts, that tells you how they run their business. 

And if you need that lawyer to write legal documentation or to submit things to the court on your behalf, and then making basic mistakes, such as writing a letter to the other side and not getting the leisure, you need to be aware that there is an issue. 

Once again, awareness of what’s going on in your life. And I know I might sound a little bit on my high horse. To be honest, I am. Because it frustrates me when people want a good outcome, but are not prepared to be aware. They’re not prepared to change the things in their life that aren’t working for them. If you look in the mirror, and these things are happening in your life, ask yourself why. 

12:00  

What is it that you are not aware that you could change? It’s your chance to write a new chapter in your life, it’s your chance to be a different person. And self-awareness is one of the biggest things that you could do for yourself. It can be the greatest gift you can give for yourself and your life. 

So you might ask, Tanya, how do I know of what I’m not aware? And it’s a great question. Because how do you know if you’re letting yourself down if you’ve always done that same thing? 

And I suppose it’s not until now that I look back and like I said to you before when I was in my first marriage, and I would brood a lot. And if we argued and I didn’t get the outcome I wanted, or I thought my ex-husband was wrong and I wanted an apology, all ego, I would brood and we wouldn’t talk for days. How is that fixing anything?

But I didn’t know at that stage that what I was doing was wrong. I didn’t realize that the brooding was causing a lot of issues. And when Richard and I got married, it was my chance to see all those things that I didn’t like about myself. It was my chance to address them and make sure that I didn’t do them again. But look around now, look around your bedroom, look around your car, look around your house, your desk, your business. Are you in control? Is your life disorganized? Are you always running late? Do you blame other people for things that happened to you? 

13:59  

Look in the mirror and ask yourself, where are you blaming someone else? Where are you not aware of your responsibility? Because the power is in the responsibility when you know that you can have total control. And if someone says something to you, it doesn’t affect you any longer because it’s your choice, whether you accept what they’re saying or not. Where you’re in control of your mess, where you no longer live in anarchy and chaos, where you’re on time, all of those qualities if that’s what you want.

If that’s what you want, and you are aware that that’s the sort of life you want to live, then I can help you, because that’s what we do. We have the processes and the procedures to help our clients to get them back in control. 

15:01  

You cannot fix a problem at the level that it was created. You need to step outside of that. And at the moment, if you’ve got issues, it’s because you’ve reached your glass ceiling, you need to push above the glass ceiling. I’m not sure whether I said this here or not, but if I’m in a room, and I’m the smartest person in that room, it’s time for me to leave. Because I need to learn from smarter people. That’s what pushes me outside of my boundaries. That’s what makes me good at my job. That’s what makes me a better human. That’s what helps me payback to society, and to people that I want to see succeed and have a better life. Don’t sit where you are right now and blame everyone else. Be aware of what’s going on.

Awareness is the most liberating feeling you ever have in your life. When you are aware of what’s going on, you can act responsibly. 

16:03  

And you are the person that decides where your life goes. No one else’s fault. It’s all up to you. And that, my friends, is one of the greatest skills that you can have in your life.

If at 40 years old, because that’s the average age of a person going through a divorce here in Australia, 42 for a woman 45 for a male, at that stage in your life, at least if you can be aware from that point forward of the mistakes, and start again, you can have an amazing life. 

Okay, I’m gonna get down off my high horse now. But when you make a promise, stick to it. Be self integral, because if you’re not self integral, you will always let yourself down. And when you’re always letting yourself down, that’s what nothing comes to fruition. You must support yourself. And that comes from awareness and integrity and self-integrity. And that it’s the greatest gift I got from my divorce. 

All right, I’m going to talk to you next week.

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