We grew up listening to our parents and people around us that we need to care for everyone else before caring about ourselves. And the intention of that teaching is noble, but most of us got it all wrong. We care too much for others, and we end up relegating ourselves. The truth is we can still care about others, but we must love ourselves first. In fact, we can positively affect the people around us if we come from a place of love and acceptance of ourselves. 

Tune in and understand what I mean when I say that being selfish makes you selfless.

Let’s get into it:



What happens when we don’t put ourselves first [00:03:00] 

When love to ourselves becomes natural [00:06:00] 

The start of rewriting ourselves [00:09:00] 

We need to learn to love ourselves [00:12:00]

Little things can mean the world to others [00:15:00]


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My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce


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Hey, everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I hope you have had a good week and that things are starting to become more evident to you no matter where you are in this struggle. And I use the word struggle because even when things are going well, we have moments of struggle. Even today, I choose to wake up every morning and say that today will be simple. And that seemed tense that I wake up with. And I have to say the majority of the time I’m talking 99.5% of the time. I have no struggles, but he’s the key I’ve worked out through everything that I have been doing over the last decade, I’ve worked at addressing when a struggle is coming up.

And I’ve worked at the tools that I need to address them to deflate the struggle because they are very similar to triggers. If you get triggered, it’s your choice, not the person who’s trying to upset you. It’s up to you, whether you get triggered or not. 

So today I wanted to talk to you about something that probably sounds a little bit silly, but it’s true.


Being selfish makes you selfless. Let me repeat it. Being selfish makes you selfless. Sounds silly. Doesn’t it? But let’s get into this week’s podcast so I can explain a little bit more. 

You might be one of these people who realized that everyone else comes before you, you are exhausted. You might even be feeling unfulfilled, but.

You think this is expected of you and you just have to suck it up. It’s your duty. You have no choice. And even if you’ve already left your relationship, you might still be thinking nice things you could possibly even believe. This is how life is, things aren’t meant to be easy. And happiness comes at a cost.

Well, I’m here to tell you that it is all BS and being selfish makes you selfless. Here’s the thing. If you continue in your life to not put yourself first. You become forgotten. Think about it. Suppose you don’t even think about yourself or don’t consider yourself is worthy or important enough to address your unhappiness. Why would anyone else, and you get to continue putting everyone before you, things just won’t change?

And if you don’t believe me, have a look back over your last five years. And ask yourself, how has been selfless benefited you? Do you feel like you’ve been taken for granted? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel like you have no direction? Are you tired, even exhausted? Do you feel unfulfilled? Because this is how the struggling separated field.

They think they’ve been doing it, right. They believe that they’ve been being a good person. They are loving and caring, but the most critical person they’ve forgotten is themselves. They have no idea where to start, but no something has to change. They feel incredibly guilty and stuck. That will bring up by their beautiful parents in many cases to look after everyone else.

Looking after others will make you happy. I don’t know if you heard that. That’s something that I often heard that love is putting yourself the last caring means putting other’s needs in front of your own. I don’t know if you’ve heard those stories before from people and that’s how we’ve been brought up.

We’ve been bought up to think. We can’t be happy unless we make someone else happy. And I’m sure you’ve heard these things before because these matrices were handed down from generation to generation. They indeed were in my loving family, but one thing was forgotten. One thing that has taken me many many years and thousands of dollars to learn.

If I put myself first and care about myself, These other things no longer become chosen. I no longer feel taken for granted. I now have boundaries, and I feel like I’m being respected. I now love unconditionally and want or need nothing in return. And when that happens, I’m still looking after the people that I care about.

But they’re respecting me not taking me for granted because I love myself the most. And it’s, you know, even saying it, I remember years ago to say that would send shivers up my spine itself. It felt selfish. It felt like the only person I cared about in the world was me, but here’s the thing I care about so many people. My feeling of love for the world for this community since she was down my spine before I can love you, or I can love my family or my husband or my children. I need to know first because it just becomes natural when I love myself first and care about myself. Then the people around me care about me as well.

And it took me such a long time to realize this it’s a complete mind shift as to how I was brought up. It’s undoubtedly utterly different to how my marriage was. And when I look at the difference between my first marriage and my marriage, now they are chalk and cheese, absolutely chalk and cheese. And if I knew what I know now, wouldn’t my first marriage has been different.

I’m here to tell you yes, a hundred per cent. Yes. Would we have still broken up? It was because there were things within the relationship that we weren’t aligned with anyway, and the universe works in hilarious ways, but I was meant to be married to that man for some time so that I could have my children.

And I said not long ago in a podcast that. Once I realized that maybe my purpose in life was simply to have my beautiful daughter. All of the expectations I have on myself just disappeared because I’ve already achieved my objective. But what I do now in my job by sharing the information that I do with you is because I love it.

It’s no longer a chore; it’s because it’s merely what I want to do. I want to share with you the things that might make a difference in your life. I’m hoping this is making sense to you. So when I love myself unconditionally, I want nothing in return from anyone else. That’s the cake. So being selfish makes me selfless.

Now it’s time for you to start rewriting your story, re warring your life. The things that you believe to be true. Look around and ask yourself, where is it? The proof you’re it, unfortunately, your unhappiness or your struggles that you feel right now. The evidence may even be in your failing relationship.

Your proof is in your emotional ignorance. So even if you’ve shifted your relationship, you might still be lost thinking. What is the recourse? Why was my partner the way he or she was? But the truth is it may be a combination of things. The truth is your relationship might only be the start of the rewriting of yourself.

Please don’t be concerned. This is all a good thing. For instance, imagine learning to ride a bike. You first had the idea. And then you took action. You might even have fallen off a few times before. You know who, if you were like me, you could ride the bike and put your hands up and say, look, no handlebars, everything.

Everything in life has stages has layers. And today is an excellent day because you were no longer aware of what needs to happen. You no longer unaware, I’m giving you the information. I’m telling you that when you’re selfish, and you love yourself, you become selfless because when you’re selfless, you didn’t need anything from anyone else you give love.


I asked you before to go back and just look at what’s been happening in the last few years. If you’ve been struggling and putting everyone before you, you feel like your needs want, and whatever is essential has been on the back burner. That’s the proof that you have been doing this the wrong way around.

And sounds absolutely ridiculous. I know coming out of my mouth, it sounds ridiculous because it is the complete opposite of everything we were taught as children, we were taught that it was drummed into us to make sure we care for everyone asked before we care about ourselves. But when we care for ourselves, everything else just naturally follows everything else just makes perfect sense.

So now it’s time to reclaim your life. It’s time to reconnect to what’s important to you. Not everyone else, but you do these three things will restore who you were meant to be the person you were put on this planet to be this awareness that you’re receiving right now is pulling off the layers of what has all of a sudden made you so aware of why things haven’t been working.

Now, as we all know, we only get one chance, at least. Well, it isn’t getting any slower, if anything, if you’re anything like me, it seems to be getting faster. If you don’t learn to love yourself, you will always continue making the same mistakes repeatedly. And that might be okay in the past because you didn’t have the awareness that I’m giving you right now.

Hey, do this. It’s up to you. There’s no more room for excuses. There’s no more room for you to be talking to yourself in a way that makes you feel like you were wrong. There’s no more room for you to be absolutely giving yourself a hard time for the situation you’re in. Correct. Because you’re living a lie, you’re unhappy, but I’ve just told you why you might be scared, but imagine if he could be calm, you might be lonely.

But imagine if he could be fulfilled being selfish makes you selfless. And he’s why the paper you were making happy needs to make themselves comfortable. Do you understand what I’m saying? So if you’re putting all of your needs behind you to make someone else happy, that’s not okay. It’s simply not okay.

They should be happy themselves. It’s not up to you to make someone else happy. And when mirrors of ourselves, that’s why when people walked down the road, and they see a homeless person, they don’t make eye contact. We want to be like them. If we ignore them, maybe though. Oh, why you might even ask yourself why isn’t the government doing something about this problem.

If you’re saying that it’s because you are full of anger and showed that person love, it’s because you love yourself. So recently, a friend of mine told me a story. Then he was walking down the street, and he looked a homeless man in the eye, and he smiled, the man turned around and said to him, thank you.

His son was with him, and his son said, Oh dad, why did that man say, thank you. And he goes, I’m not sure, mate. All I did was small. Then the homeless man came back to him and asked him a question. And he told him where to go. And the man touched him on the shoulder and said, thank you. You are so kind. Yeah.

Think about it. There’s nothing at all in that many of us would probably do that without even thinking. But a lot of us don’t know all this friend of mine did because he loves himself. Was he showed someone else that same love that he reveals himself. He wasn’t scared of the consequences. He didn’t even think he was doing anything in my thing.

He just smiled. So if you love yourself, you will allow others around you to address their own issues. And it’s for their own good. That’s not your job. And you might be asking right now. Okay. Tanya, this all sounds so simple, but how, I don’t know how, I don’t know where to start, and that’s okay. Because many of my clients have told me the same thing.

They’ve told me that no, I need to put everyone else first. I need to be making sure everyone else is happy. And when everyone asks is happy, I’ll be satisfied, but they’ve got it around the wrong way. After working with me, once they became comfortable, everything else in their life changed. And I am an absolute I’m proof of this.

It’s what’s happening in my life. And now, because I love myself when I talk to other people, I talk to them how I would talk to myself and it’s years of my work. That is now paying off for my clients. So what I’ve decided to do, because it’s making such a difference to people’s lives, I’ve put together a five-week course to address the things that you didn’t even know were holding you back.

Just so you’re fully aware. I only work with people who don’t need to be fully convinced that I can make this transition easier for them. These people know that searching for the answers by themselves can take years. That’s if they’re lucky, some people may never ever find it because they don’t have an awareness of the tools.

So don’t act too quickly before you decide to find out more about my restore made program. What is it? It may help you rewrite the stories of your past, reconnect to who you want to be, and then reclaim your future. This Restore Me program has been put together. We’ve love, sweat, and tears. Mostly love, and it has defined people.

It has made it really clear to them why they’ve been struggling so much in life. And the proof is in the pudding because they’ve just absolutely changed their life around. So if you’d like to know more, I want to get you to go to my website. And if you go to my website and look under programs. So go to www.tanyasomerton.com, forward slash programs. You will find the Restore Me program. There it is where the gold is. It is where you will find a five-week program that will absolutely teach you how to love yourself and why. How to rebuild yourself from the coals up. It is thousands and thousands and thousands of hours of work that I have done not to mention the money that I’ve spent put together for you in a five-week program to absolutely transform who you are to make you understand why loving yourself is the best thing you can do.

But first and foremost, before you can love yourself, you need to rewrite your old stories. You’d need to reconnect to who you used to be and reclaim your future. Okay. My darlings, I want to see you in the program. It’s critical for the amount of money that I’m asking for. It’s practically a giveaway. That you get into this program and change your life. If you’ve got any questions, you can send them to at tanya@tanyasomerton.com, I’m happy to answer them. If you’d like to know more, that’s what we’re here, myself and the team are here to help you do, but let’s transform your life. Let’s give you back the power. Let’s understand that being selfish makes you selfless.

No matter what your parents told you. It’s okay to love yourself. All right. My darlings, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.



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