Big problems are usually made of smaller ones easier to solve. Understanding this and knowing how to deal with it is the first step into a happy existence. You need to learn to pick your battles more wisely, thinking more about the outcome than in the fight itself. In this podcast, we will discuss where we should put our efforts when facing big problems.

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

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Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

[00:00:00] Welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. It is great to have you with me again today. I just love the feedback the letters the people that are asking for appointments and divorced roadmaps and how I can help people. It is my passion. I just love sharing my skills and my knowledge to make the life of people that are going through a separation or divorce so much better because the information is not out there and I see that as my job.

My job is to share the information that I have, the knowledge that I learned from experts to people. They have then got that knowledge and can make better decisions when they’re talking to their lawyer or they’re thinking about their next steps or what their problems are and have the answers in front of them.

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It is really important and knowledge is key when you have the knowledge you have resourcefulness and resourcefulness – is what will [00:01:00] always get you out of trouble. Today I wanted to have a chat with you about problems because we have a lot of people who come to me and work with me who have massive problems.

Now the issue with problems when we have them is we think that to find the answer we need a big answer. So in other words: A big problem requires a big solution, but to be honest, it is the complete opposite of that. A big problem requires a whole lot of little solutions. And little solutions built up over time and put together will ultimately get you a better outcome because nothing is just one big problem.

To give you an idea of this. I am going to tell you a story. I am warning you [00:02:00] now, it is not very nice. However, it is something that happened to me when I was at the airport. One day a lady got out of a taxi, a lovely older lady, well, I really shouldn’t say lovely because I didn’t know her personally.

She hopped out of a taxi and as she was walking through the full court and come through the sliding doors into the terminal, all of a sudden she fell and she just landed on the ground and then didn’t move. Now I was coming down the escalator and I watched this all happen in front of me. I have run over to her, I knew straight away, by how she had fallen; there was just nothing that we needed but to get a defibrillator.

That is what we needed to do. The lady when I quickly checked her she seemed to have already passed away on the floor in the airport terminal. And you know, this is just shocking. Like here I am [00:03:00] at work. This lady’s getting off a cabin expecting to go home or go visit someone whatever she was doing there and all of a sudden there she’s laying on the ground in the terminal.

The issue I had was what I should do first. What is the first thing to do? And if you’ve had any medical training you know that you need to diagnose the problem before you can help someone. So we’re trying to make sure that obviously, we have a defib on hand and they’ve got so good these days that you can put the paddles on someone and the machine tells you if there’s any, you know, electricity or anything in their body and what needs to happen to restart their heart if that is indeed the problem.

Let us get back. We will come back to this story. But let’s go back to what I’m talking about here with divorce. There are many ways that we have problems. Some of them are emotional. [00:04:00] Most of the problems that we have we have in our head, you know, they’re just thoughts that we’re having which then causes to have these emotions and those thoughts can then have us act on things and make problems.

I do not want to talk about that today. What I want to talk about is to let us call them tactical problems. The problems where we need a strategic answer. Imagine that your problem is something like you are unhappily married and you feel unloved. This just is not working. You know, there are no prospects.

Perhaps you have fallen out of love. Maybe your ex has left you and that is your problem or maybe your legal bill is completely out of hand and you want to get it back in some form of order. The interesting thing is inside of you, you have the answers to whatever your question is. It is in you but your [00:05:00] brain is so full of chatter and thoughts and negativity that you struggle to come up with what the answer is.

Now when I am working with clients in many cases, they will have a really big problem. So let us, for instance, say that they are trying to work out an agreement. They want to agree with their ex-partner now, if you think about it, there is a list of problems. You know, you need to sort out who is going to have the children, who is going to get access to the bank account. Who is going to look after the dog? Who is going to get the super or the 401K whichever country you are in; all of these things are micro problems. Which consists to make a bigger issue. Now if we break them all down one by one and answer them or come up with a result for each of them individually, ultimately [00:06:00] they solve the big issue. Let us say for instance that you are unhappily married.

Well, the big issue there for me would be you are looking to find happiness and want to start a new life, but you cannot do that until you have addressed all of the little problems. So if we go back to the lovely lady at the airport, my job was to quickly diagnose what had happened to her. And what was the best course of action to help her? I needed to break that down in my head bit by bit to get her the best possible outcome. Because, I was in an airport, people standing around waiting to get baggage, people walking in and out of the door. What do we best do and what does the list of actionable items look like for me to be able to save her?

 

The outcome of the story for the lady isn’t the best, unfortunately.[00:07:00] It was completely outside of my hands. The lady had turned out had just had an operation and had left the hospital to come to the airport to get on a plane to go back home. It turned out, that lady should probably never have left the hospital. She had left too soon. She’d had a biopsy and part of I think it was her liver had broken off which had caused a massive aneurysm and she just passed away.

It was really sad, but there was nothing that anyone could have done to have helped her. What I’m trying to say to you is in your case, there’s going to be things that are outside of your control that you really can’t do much about. But there’s a whole lot of little things that you can fix. You have to break the big issues down into little [00:08:00] micro problems and address them one by one. You need to ask yourself what is the big problem. Which is causing you the most hurt or anxious in your life, and what are the little steps that you need to take to get a positive outcome. If it is unhappily married. What does that look like?

First, you need to understand, and that’s why we do a divorce roadmap with our clients. We sit down and work out each on every aspect of them leaving the relationship, and what the future might look like for them. Then they go home and they have a conversation with their partner about what they could do collectively, to have a better life moving forward. Because you never want to sit there and go: This is how I feel, you make me do this, and you have made me do that. You want to always talk with how we going to fix our future. What are we going to do to help [00:09:00] our children? How are we going to divide our assets? And the response from that, from your partner, is then how you understand what the next actionable steps are. Because if they sit there and go: No, let’s work. We are going to work together on this and yes, I understand where you are coming from because I feel the same way. Or, I’m completely shocked that you were even having this conversation. Why don’t we go and have some counseling, or is there something that we can do about it? How that they respond will be what you now then need to do moving forward.

If they turn around and go, oh, this is just garbage and this isn’t true and you’re the one that’s done this and this is all your fault. Then you know from that conversation and how they respond to, what you need to do. Because the answers are in front of you. You just need to realize first what the problem is and then know how to answer them for yourself [00:10:00]

 

Many people will say I just do not know what to do. What should I do next? Where should I go? Then when I talk to them, we sort out how to get to the bottom of it. They will know every time what the answer is, but they just have not thought deeply enough about all of the little problems that need to be answered to get to the answer to the massive or the big problem.

Say for instance that your problem is you have already started legal proceedings and your legal bill is getting out of hand. It is just enormous and they never thought it would get like this. Many people, when we have this conversation, they will go in hindsight: “I should never have done that”. People act on their emotions, not on the facts.

At the time, they either retaliate to what someone else has done, or they go: I am not getting what I need to get or, [00:11:00] I am so hurt. I just want to hurt my ex as much as I am hurting. They do things that cause consequences. You hear me talk about that all the time, for every action there is a reaction or a consequence for what you do and you have to think through it.

I have a client at the moment who recently, unfortunately, because of emotions there’s no doubt about it, has ended up with a massive legal bill, the bill is out of hand. Is there anything that I could have done to stop it? Well, I tried hard but the person just did not want to listen and continue firing off letters and pretty much was a loose cannon. I was about to sack the client because of the behavior and how she was treating her ex-husband. Some of the allegations that were going on, [00:12:00] and things like that, which would just not called for.But when I looked at her I could see she was in such a world of hurt that she just did not know what to do or how to go about fixing her problems. Even though I tried to get it through to her, unfortunately, she pretty much had to travel down the road just to understand that what she was doing wasn’t right.

Fast-forward five weeks and she gets this legal bill and all of a sudden there is this light bulb moment for her as of: What have I done? She just wants to press the rewind button and go back, and she is sorry for the accusations, how she has acted out because she knows that deep down, it is not at all how she wanted to end her relationship with her ex-husband.

When a legal bill is out of hand, I often [00:13:00] say is there any chance that you could contact your ex and just put up a white flag? What does that look like where the two of you can have a conversation together and just go right? This is not working for either of us and especially if there are children involved.

There is a bigger picture and if you can both get on the same page and think about the consequences for the children, or even for yourselves because you want to have a life together moving forward. People would say I hate my ex. I cannot stand them. I hate them and, my mum told me this: There is a fine line between love and hate. You can move back and forth over that line, there is no doubt about it. So you might hate them at that moment and you might not like the person they are but ultimately you chose them when you got married, you chose them to be what you thought was going to be your life partner. So you [00:14:00] have to be responsible for that decision.

 

Moving forward in your life, you need to make good. You need to make good because if you do not, no one else will and you will regret it.

In a program I am in at the moment, which is simply amazing, a lady the other day talked about the fact that she had not spoken to her ex-husband for five years. She changed her Facebook page, she changed her name. He had not seen their daughter for five years. He’d moved on and got remarried and she was just pretty much living her life hiding because she didn’t want to talk to him or see him or anything like that.

She realized all she was doing in her life was hiding. She had spent five years hiding not living, so she sent him an email with a picture of their daughter, and explained that she was [00:15:00] sorry for what she has done. It turned out that he’d got remarried, he had another child and he was so shocked by the email that before even opened it, he sat there thinking it could be a hoax but, when he did open it they had been communicating on and off.

She realizes and feels now that life can only get better, that it was not worth all of the animosity and pain and the stories that she had going on in her head about why she had to stay away from him. Those stories were causing her to react in a way that was not very nice. She addressed her problem of being unhappy.

The problem that she had was that she was either scared or she thought he was going to take their daughter away or he wasn’t a nice person or whatever. It was that she was telling herself. So her actions at the time were to go [00:16:00] into hiding and change everything and moved from state to state, and not let him know where she was. And now, when she realized it wasn’t making her life any better, that became her problem. She then had to find the answer to that problem.

She had to come up with: What do I need to do? How do I address this? The first thing is to contact him and then starting communication and then obviously, she’s going to get let the father meet the daughter. But getting back to what I’m trying to get across here is that if you’ve got a big problem, you don’t need a big solution. You need little solutions packed on top of each other, which will ultimately fix the big problem. You have the answer inside of you. You just have to ask yourself the right question and when you ask yourself the right question, you will get the answer to your problem. [00:17:00] Hopefully, this has helped a little bit.

If you have a problem consider asking yourself what you should be doing. The interesting thing is when I look at the word problem up in the dictionary; it says a question posed for solution or discussion. That is what it says. I love that. A problem is a question proposed for solution or discussion. How many times when we are going through a separation or divorce there is a problem, we cannot find the solution, and it is simply not up for discussion.

It is this way, or it is that way, it is black or white. People think it is black or white where is not, it can be a negotiation. Even just a compromise. A compromise is an amazing solution, and it allows you to get on with your life and you have to weigh [00:18:00] up what the most important thing is for you now. Is it the fight or is it the rest of your life?

 

 

 

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