Top Five Tips On How To Beat The Blues This Valentine’s Day

Top Five Tips On How To Beat The Blues This Valentine’s Day

Top Five Tips On How To Beat The Blues This Valentine’s Day

Let’s face it, Valentine’s day can be an emotional roller coaster for some, depending on your Facebook relationship status. Many argue it has been hijacked and commercialised by businesses to make money. Others argue it is a way of showing love, appreciation and respect for the one you love.  For those of us not in a relationship, it can highlight and ‘rub salt’ into the wound of failed affairs. The question is how can one day have so much influence over our emotions?

 While 5% of our conscious mind understands how ludicrous this seems, 95% of our subconscious mind is emotionally searching for ways to feel good about the whole situation. Therefore, no matter what you tell yourself, you still feel lousy. The feelings of loneliness, failure, and not being good enough are amplified even though I’m sure you already know this, but it is just another day and you are perfect just the way you are!

Sooner or later, we all realise that allowing someone else to have power over our happiness, is like driving a car from the back seat. You are powerless to control your destination. And you may or may not have already noticed but happy people don’t need others to feel good about themselves or their emotional state.

The reality is, if you find yourself in this situation on Valentine’s Day, you will need to work through your own feelings and emotions. No one can do that for you.  Here are my top five tips which hopefully will help.

Keep away from social media

 Do not stalk your ex on Facebook or Instagram hoping to see them sad and lonely. It’s not going to happen. Also, avoiding your feeds, which may compound the anxiety of seeing friends and family having a great time, while you lay on the couch. Research has proven that users have a distorted view of ‘friends’ lives because we interpret things differently. Comparing yourself to others has been proven to amplify negative feelings.  Your job right now is to feel great, not gloomy.

Why not pamper yourself?

Yes, go ahead and pamper yourself. After all, you know exactly what makes you happy. Use it to your advantage and redeem the offers, promotions to indulge on your needs. If you’ve got your ex a gift, return it and spend the money on yourself. Let this Valentine’s day be a day to LOVE YOURSELF.

Spend some time with your friends and family.

 They can always put a smile on your face and having a laugh is the best medicine. Not to mention how friendships reduce stress and boost happiness.  Life is to short to be by yourself why not have a night out, karaoke singalong, or belly laugh at the comedy festival. Like the well-known hit single by Cyndi Lauper state “Girls Just Want To Have Fun”, and so to the blokes, so just do it!

Read a book and get lost in it.

If you’re not an adrenaline junkie and you cherish your alone time, what more can I say than, I hear you. There is a time for everything.  Knowledge is a great superpower and no one can ever take it away from you. Why not read a biography of someone that inspires you, or learn something that will add value to your life.  Download an audiobook and a great resource I share with my clients is Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. Read the novels you love and get lost in their world so you don’t leave room for your mind to wander. This is your time, spend it wisely.

Start planning your future.

Studies have proven that long term goal setting does not work. But on the contrary, a 90-day plan can get you excited, especially because you start seeing momentum quickly.  There is nothing wrong with daydreaming about a better life but action will get you outcomes. Ask yourself, what do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in the near future and how can you achieve it?

And here is a bonus tip, If I told you the instructions for your life are on the outside of the box you live in, would you find a way to read them or stay locked inside?

Instead of worrying about others this Valentine’s Day why not show yourself a good time. Be kind, be caring, and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.  Happiness starts on the inside and it is the greatest gift you can give yourself, now and always.

Surviving Valentine’s Day And My Top Five Tips

Surviving Valentine’s Day And My Top Five Tips

Even when we are fully aware of the fact that Valentine’s Day “use” love to generate a ‘profit margin’, we cannot avoid feeling affected by it during our separation. Love is in the air wherever we look. It is all over the internet, the radio, the T.V and in all the stores you visit. It’s there right in your face. This leads you to think one thing: How can I survive through this?

On this very special podcast, I want to share with you my best tips to keep your mental and emotional health intact.

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps

Our secret Valentine and the void we want to fulfil. [00:01:00]

What do you need to be happy? [00:02:40]

A little bit of history over Valentine’s Day. [00:04:30]

Feelings amplify at this time of the year. [00:07:15]

First tip: Stay away from Social Media. [00:08:40]

Second tip: Praise yourself. [00:10:30]

Third tip: Have some quality time with family and friends. [00:12:00]

Fourth tip: Get lost in a book. [00:13:00]

Fifth tip: Putting together a 90-days plan. [00:15:50]

Bonus tip: Momentum is key. [00:17:00]

 

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. I thought today we’d have a chat around the 14th of February, Valentine’s Day.

When you first separated or you’re no longer with your partner, Valentine’s Day can be pretty emotional for all of us. And whether you celebrated it or not when you were married, it’s still what the day stands for, isn’t it?

I remember when I was going through my separation, the trigger was noticing all of these things on social media, people that seem to be happy, and everywhere I looked, everyone was holding hands or going out for dinner. And here I was sitting at home.

1:25  

We all just want a secret Valentine. It doesn’t mean just to send us something and let us know that we’re loved.

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Because it’s that void that we’re searching. It’s not so much the happiness I believe. I think it’s the void. It’s the pain more than the pleasure what gets us just think about what’s going on in our life. And recently, I’ve been popping a girlfriend of mine who has just split up with her partner of four years. And she said to me: “I’m better off alone than being with someone else and being unhappy. 

2:06  

And when I’m alone, I can start to love myself and do things in my life that will make a difference to me and my children”. It took her a while to get there because she never wanted to be alone. She felt she needed someone else to make her happy. 

You can only have a happy life when you are happy on the inside. When you’re happy by yourself, you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. 

2:43  

When I am with my husband, he doesn’t need me around him all the time, and to be honest, as much as I love him to pieces, I don’t need him to be with me all the time.

When we are together, I feel like we are a superpower. I feel like both of us are there worrying about each other’s needs and wants, and wishes to feel what we both want from a partner. You know, if he is not around, I’m still a happy person. And I know for a fact that when I’m not around him, he’s still a happy person. And that’s what attracted me to him in the first place. It’s so attractive. 

3:26  

Being with someone that knows what they want out of life, it’s so sexy to me. And speaking to other guys, I remember when I first started dating, they were saying to me that there’s nothing sexier than a woman that knows what she wants out of her life. 

And to say you noticed someone because you felt that your needs are more important, that’s empowering. 

When someone asks you if you want to do this or that, and you can say, you know what, that doesn’t feel right for me, or I’d like to do something else, that builds boundaries. And it’s not that you have to work for a relationship. But what you do have to do is to be respectful over the relationship. 

4:23  

Today, I’m going to talk about five ways that will help you get through Valentine’s Day and the things that helped me get through my Valentine’s Day.

Because men and women take the day to mean in my interpretation, something completely different. Women like the idea of the flowers and going out for dinner, and all of that.

And because I spend such a lot of time with guys, and to be honest, I get along well better with men, and I do because I think I’m a little bit more like them. Someone can say something to me and it’s water off a duck’s back, I don’t get very emotional about certain things I can just move on. 

And that’s sort of a trait that a lot of women have. And that’s why we’re known to be bitchy sometimes. But the guys don’t think of Valentine’s Day like the women do. The guys just go along with it. It’s nice to go out for dinner, and it gives us a chance to go out and celebrate our relationship and our love. 

5:33  

But if you go back over history, and you look at Valentine’s Day, there are quite a few different stories. There are no solid facts and to be honest, it’s a little bit mysterious the actual history of it.

But myself being brought up as a Catholic, was breaking through some of these and just didn’t realize some of the horrors and how it came about. According to one legend, an imprisoned Valentine had fallen in love with a woman while in confinement. Before his death, he decided to write a letter to her, and he signed it off, from your Valentine. 

And that expression is still used today. That’s one of about three I found. So there’s plenty of different meanings behind it. 

Anyway, if we get back to how you can deal with the pressures that you may be feeling at this time of year, a conscious mind understands that, yes, this day it’s been hijacked and commercialized by a lot of businesses just to make money.

Our subconscious mind (from where our emotions and feelings come), it’s searching for a way to feel good, and it rewrites to us that we’re single. That is why it’s hard to deal with the subconscious mind. 

7:19  

No matter what you tell yourself, you’re probably still going to feel a little bit lousy. And people have told me, I feel lonely. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not good enough. Sometimes those feelings can be amplified at this time of year. And, look, I’m sure you already know this, but it’s just another day and you are perfect the way you are. 

Sooner or later, we’re all going to realize that allowing someone else to have power over our happiness is like going on a driverless car sitting in the back seat. You’re powerless to control your destination. 

And you may have noticed that happy people don’t need others to feel good about themselves or their emotional state. It’s easy for me to say because I’m now in that position, but I want you to know that you’re going to get there sooner than you know, if you feel crappy now, it’s understandable. 

I said to someone yesterday, it’s like the winter before the spring, you’ve got to go through the cold darkness before you can start to bloom and grow, and that’s possibly what you’re going through right now. 

8:47  

Let’s talk about the five tips I think may help you. The first one without a shadow of a doubt is to stay away from social media. Do not stalk your ex on Facebook or Instagram, hoping to see that they’re sad and lonely. It’s probably not going to happen. 

Because we know for a fact and research shows us that the things that people post on Facebook or social media are not true. They want us to think that they are happy. And sometimes once again, we interpret things to be different than what they are. 

I was reading a great article yesterday about that a woman who started the thread “Can you please tell me a time when you posted a happy snap, but you were completely sad?”. It went mental. 

A lot of people then put up those pictures and then explained underneath the photos. There was a woman that was at the Grand Canyon, she was hiking, and she posted a photo of her smiling. Underneath that she’d written, it was the saddest time in my life, I had not stopped crying, and I felt like jumping. But when you look at the post, there is a beautiful horizon. It looks spectacular. 

10:14  

That’s what I want you to know. Don’t get involved with the garbage that’s on social media, as Donald Trump would say, in the majority of cases, it’s fake news. 

You’re not seeing the real person. So stay away from it, it’s not worth it. 

We don’t want to miss anything happening on social media, and we become addicted to it. And my advice to you is rather than getting addicted to social media, why don’t get addicted to something that it’s going to improve your life?

The next one is praising yourself. Why don’t go ahead and do something that you deserve? Because let’s be honest, you should be celebrating your successes, not your failures. So rather than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, why not celebrate the strength that you’ve got to be able to do what you’re doing right now. And I’m not telling you to go into any debt, because in some cases when people break up, they spend unnecessary money on items just to get instant gratification. 

11:24  

Go out and have a facial, or have a lesson at something or go and buy something that you’ve always wanted, something little. 

Use it as a time to celebrate you and celebrate what you’ve been able to achieve and where you’ve got. No matter how hard it is, you should be celebrating. I don’t think you guys realize how hard it is to be doing what you’re doing. And to be going through what you’re going through. When you get to the end of this journey of separation or divorce, you will ask yourself, how did I make it through? But you did, and you will be very proud of yourself. 

So why not give yourself a little, a little pampering?

The next one is spending some time with your family and friends. Now, there’s a caveat on this. If your family stresses you out, or your friends give you a hard time about your decision, they’re not the people I’m talking about. 

12:31  

I’m talking about the people that put a smile on your face and make you laugh because happiness is the best medicine. You need to know that outside of your four walls, life goes on and people are happy. Friendships reduce stress, and they boost happiness. It’s been proven by research. And life’s too short to be by yourself. 

So why not have a night out? Go and have a karaoke sing-along, or maybe go to a comedy show and have a belly laugh, or just have a glass of wine with a girlfriend, or be in a pub with a mate. Be connected with someone else and know that last will be okay again.

The next tip is to get lost in a book. I’ve never been a big book reader. I’d have read some fictional novels. Now I don’t spend a minute reading literature that does not add some value to my life or builds up some sort of muscle memory in my brain, that allows me to learn more, grow and evolve. 

If I’m not going to learn something from it, I’m not going to spend my time reading it. 

14:02  

Why not find someone that inspires you and read their biography? Why not find someone that has been in your position, and turned their life around, and learn about them? 

For me, I remember thinking, how did the richest people in the world get rich? It was then that I found the top 10 people and how they got rich. I then researched what they did to get rich. And then that was the passion that started the journey that I’m on now. 

That worked for me and might not work for you. But there’s a book that I give my clients, and it is one of the most amazing books and it’s called “Love yourself as your life depends on it”. 

I’ve spoken about it I think before in the podcast, why not download it as an audible and just listen to it? 

My husband and I’ve been away this weekend. We went to a nine and a half hours drive distance from where we leave. On Sunday, we got in the car at three o’clock in the afternoon and didn’t get home until midnight Monday morning. He was so exhausted, he went to sleep. I sat there with my headphones on while I was driving home, and I listened to audiobooks. So you don’t even need to be sitting down and turning pages. There are other ways around it. But read the novels that you love, get lost in their world. And don’t leave your mind to wander about what happened. Think about the future. Spend your time wisely. 

And then the last one and the biggest one that I want to give you as a tip is to start planning your future.

15:56  

Studies have proven that long term goals don’t work. But on the contrary, a 90-day plan can get you excited. Especially because you start to see very quick momentum. And there’s nothing like daydreaming about a better life. But action gets you outcomes.

You need to put together a 90-day plan with some key drivers and what you need to do, and you start taking them off. So ask yourself, what do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in the future? How can you achieve it? And then put that 90-day plan together. Because momentum is everything. And then when you finish that 90 days, you add another 90 days. Before you know it your life will be completely different. 

Now, the bonus tip I’d like to give you is, if I told you that the instructions of your life were on the outside of the box that you are living, would you stay locked inside of that box? Or would you do everything possible to read the instructions on the outside? I can’t tell you how to do that. But what I’m telling you is momentum is the key to happiness. Momentum is the key to a happy life. 

17:31  

So instead of whining about Valentine’s Day, and all of those negative emotions, why not use it to celebrate you? Why not love you? Why not be kind to you, be caring and treat yourself the way that you want to be treated. Happiness starts on the inside, and it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself, now and forever. 

I’m sending my love and hugs and best wishes to you. And don’t forget that you’re good enough, life is going to be amazing. 

I hope these five tips help. Bye for now. 

Recent Episodes

How Being Scared Of The Unknown Is Keeping You Trapped

How Being Scared Of The Unknown Is Keeping You Trapped

Being scared of the unknown is considered by science the fundamental fear. What triggers this fear, is the absence of information. For instance, the outcome of a decision we might make. This fear will keep us trapped in either an uncomfortable or unhealthy relationship.

In this episode of the Divorce Angel Podcast, we talk about how dangerous it is to be a hostage of the “FEAR of the unknown”, and how important it is to conquer it.

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps

The importance of putting a structure together. [00:01:00] 

What makes our minds decide to stay. [00:02:41] 

Do not live in unhappiness because those are the cards you have. [00:03:30] 

What you have will not define your happiness. [00:06:00]

There is a lot of life-changing knowledge we are not aware of their existence. [00:08:00]

Secret or hidden should not be scary but exciting. [00:10:00]

Do not be scared of losing everything. You can always start again. [00:12:00]

The unknown can be fulfilling. [00:13:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey everyone, welcome back to the divorce Angel Podcast. I am your host, Tanya Somerton. For those of you who don’t know me, I am the Divorce Angel. I have a program and it’s called “Five steps to a seamless divorce”. This program is something that I’ve put together over some time after journeying through a divorce and realizing that there is no structure involved whatsoever. Doesn’t matter what the lawyers tell you. There is a formality in these processes. 

0:54  

And this is the law that the lawyer needs to follow to get their part of the job done. But the case is there’s no one doing that when it comes to your life. And the most alarming thing is even though there’s one part of what you’re going through controlled by you, the rest of it is controlled by someone else. 

You need to put a structure in place and give the instructions to that person and make sure they know what you want or need out of your life. That’s why my program came about, and we’ve had some amazing results for our clients. 

It is important that if you are going through a divorce, whatever you do, put a plan in place and don’t let someone else control the outcome for you. 

1:59  

What I want to talk about this week is being scared of the unknown. I have a Facebook group. When you come into my Facebook group, I ask a question: What is your greatest struggle right now?

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If I can understand what people are struggling with, I can put programs together, or find the information if I don’t have it, to help them because that’s my job. I’m here to help you get through your separation, divorce, relationship breakup, whatever it is that you’re facing. My job is to help you get through it.

2:41  

Recently, a few people who have come into the group said that they are scared of the unknown. Many people stay in unhappy relationships, in unhealthy relationships because it’s easier to stay where they are than going through the pain of getting out of it. 

So what happens with our mind is, it says: Okay, even though it could be better If we leave this relationship, at least we’ve got food in our belly, we’ve got a roof over our head.

If you’re a parent, it goes through a tick and flick shape of the kids going to school. The school fees are paid, they’re coming home, they’re going to this sporting activity. And whilst you and your partner might not be getting along, at least the kids are continuing their daily routine. 

3:45  

And sometimes that becomes the priority because if you leave, part of the greatest struggle is: Well, how do I keep that consistency in their life? How do I make sure that everything for them stays the same?

Sometimes we feel like, if I do this for myself, am I being selfish towards them. And this is the greatest fallacy. There’s even research on this, that it’s simply not true. 

The greatest gift we can give our children is showing them how to show up every day and be the best person they can be. How to show up every day and be a leader. 

Do not live in unhappiness because those are the cards you have. You need to throw the cards away and pick a new deck because living in an unhappy environment is not okay for our physical health, our mental health, and our emotional health. 

4:53  

I used to be this person. I lived in unhappiness for five years. It took me five years to get the courage to leave. I knew it wasn’t okay. I probably knew I’d fallen out of love, but I kept going around and going through the motions, waiting for, if you can imagine, a light bulb coming from the sky, hitting me, or slapping me and going: “Wake up, Tanya! This is not okay, wake up. When are you going to do something about your reality?”

When you’re living in a house that is one acre and a half, and you’ve got a tennis court, and you’ve got a pool, and you’ve got the two golden retrievers, and you’ve got the kids at the private school. What is not to be happy about? This is the struggle that I had. Why? 

6:00  

You have got everything that you could need, but you are not happy. I realized all of those things meant nothing. They mean nothing. 

All of those material things, looking back, they mean nothing. It took me a long time to realize that because once you have happiness, everything else starts to fall in place. You don’t need the material things. Look what I’ve got, look at where I live, look at what I drive, all those things mean nothing. 

If you’re happy, everything falls into place. You make better decisions, you meet better people, you have better conversations. 

7:02  

You have a heart that is full of love and singing all the time. I have a happy dance inside because I got rid of all of that crap. But before I got here, it took me a long time. 

How do you face something that you fear? In most cases, we need to reach a point of being uncomfortable. Like I said before, this light bulb comes down and hits you and says: When are you going to do something about this? And the pain of staying is worse than the pain of going, or the pain of the unknown. 

If I look at the word unknown, what does it mean? It means uncharted, unexplained, unfamiliar, unrecognized, secret, or hidden. How many times have we experienced something that we weren’t aware of before? 

8:07  

I wish I knew about this earlier. There are so many secret things, that if we knew about them, they would enlighten our life, but whether we’re prepared to look for it, or we just don’t want to see it because of how we’ve been brought up, or how our life has been going along, we don’t see them. 

It is like when you go to buy a new car, and you’ve picked your colour, and you’ve picked the model, and you think, oh, there’s not too many of them on the road. But once you’ve purchased it, you see them everywhere. It’s the same thing when we decide to leave our relationship. 

What I noticed is it all of a sudden everyone around me looked happy. I was saying all the time, all of these happy couples holding hands, walking through shopping centres, having beautiful experiences, kissing in the park. I noticed that everyone was happy, and that’s where I wanted to go. 

If I look at what the word fear means, is: false evidence appearing real. So how much are you worried about that you have no evidence or no reason to be worried? It’s something in you. Your body is trying to protect you saying, if you stay where you are right now, you know that you’re going to be fed, you know that you’re going to have a roof over your head. 

But what evidence do you have to say that if you take these steps, your life will not be better than what you’re experiencing? 

9:57  

I’m thinking that the words secret and hidden can be exciting. They don’t need to be scary. It could be the opposite. And I did a Facebook Live before, and I was talking about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Look, we’ve all heard about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s elusive, isn’t it? 

You know what is this so-called pot of gold? Will it answer all of our questions, will it fulfil all of our needs?

What if we never found it? What if, me being on a couch, my ex being on another, what if I got off that couch, and I go searching for this pot of gold? 

I never found the pot of gold. But it was so much better than sitting on the couch. At least I was out there doing something about my happiness. I was experiencing things that I wouldn’t if I stayed on that couch. And that’s how I think my life turned out. 

When I look back at it, I had no idea what was going to happen when I left. I was petrified. Because the thing is, when you lose everything, you must think, I’ve got nothing to lose. So because I’ve got nothing to lose, I’m prepared to make different decisions. 

11:30  

We’ve got the house and the business, and the cars and whatever we worry about, and we think, I can’t survive without all of those things. But when you’ve never lost anything, you don’t want to lose that benchmark you had. 

In other words, we always want more, we don’t want less. And if we’re so worried about losing what we’ve got, we make decisions to not lose it. And we think we need to have all of that. Because we can’t go backwards, but you can go backwards.

You can lose it all, and you can start again. But the lessons that you’ve learned and the experiences that you’ve had are enough to catapult you back up to that same level and keep building and moving on from there. 

There’s research that says that people that go through a divorce will take somewhere between two to five years to rebuild their life. 

Most of us going through a divorce, somewhere between our late 30s to 50s, at that stage we are making financial decisions, we’re thinking about retirement

And the thought of losing that and starting again can be fearful. The difference is today, we have medical breakthroughs that we might leave for a while longer, and you can sit and stay where you are. 

Or you can believe in yourself, you can believe that there’s something better on the other side of the unknown. 

13:13  

Don’t be scared of the unknown. The unknown can be fulfilling. It can give you joy and experiences that you’re not going to get by sitting on the couch. So ask yourself, how are you going to continue to live your life, either sitting on the couch or going to get off and gonna go and try and find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I’m here to tell you that the journey to find the pot of gold is a lot of fun. 

Now, I’m re-married, and my life has never been so good. I’ve made the life that I have right now. It is so different from my previous life.

I learned from the experiences of my 22-year marriage, and I am making sure that I have different experiences now.

I’m in control of my life, I’m in control of my decisions, and you are too. So you don’t have to stay where you are. You can be in control of your life and decide to do something different. You can decide to do something better, you can decide that fear, false evidence appearing real has nothing to do with you. That is false. 

14:52  

If you are feeling like this, a divorce roadmap is what I do to help my clients get through the unknown. When you’ve got a strategy in front of you and you see what are the next steps, you can then understand why you need to do what you need to do, and the unknown becomes familiar. Thanks for listening. Have a great day. 

 

 

Recent Episodes

Being A Business Owner Can Be Difficult During A Separation

Being A Business Owner Can Be Difficult During A Separation

We already know that dealing with a divorce or separation can be hard, and if you are a business owner, it can be more difficult. After putting so much time and effort in your business, seeing it falling apart as a result of your divorce can be heartbreaking. The end of your marriage should not mean the end of your business too. 

In this episode, we talk about the difficulties we will face getting a divorce as business owners, and about what we can do to make our business survive our separation. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

The first alarm goes on. [00:02:35]

The danger of being vindictive. [00:04:30]

Unnecessary pressure added. [00:06:20]

You might be in front of a turning point. [00:8:40]

I’ve decided to keep my business. Now what? [00:10:40]

We can use the lessons learned during the separation. [00:12:00]

Who should we remunerate or reward? Who indeed helped us? [00:14:20]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey there and welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. My name is Tanya Somerton, and for those of you who don’t know me or have just come across the podcast, I’m essentially a divorce strategist. What I like to do on this podcast is to share the information that I come across, not only from my clients but the legal fraternity that I work, my own experience. The financial advisors, accountants, mortgage brokers, real estate agents, whoever it is that we’re working because I do try and provide my clients with a one-stop divorce shop.

1:01  

I use all of that information and I try and share it on my podcast to help those who are going through, unfortunately, this harrowing time. I’m obsessed with helping people seamlessly pathways is probably the best way to explain it. And what I have learned over the years of doing this is how you tackle it yourself will help you to get a better outcome from your partner. 

1:32  

I help my clients have that initial conversation with the husband or wife, whoever it is, it’s wanting to instigate the separation and give them some help around how to start the conversation, and what to say so no one is placing blame. Because the truth of the matter is it takes two people to run a marriage.

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My clients are not people from arranged marriages or people who have violence in their relationships. I’m not a specialist in that area. I don’t help people that are living in violent situations. Some professionals do great workaround that sort of stuff. I usually work with business owners and executives. 

2:35  

Today I will have a chat around some of the issues which my small to medium business owners are struggling while going through a divorce. The most alarming thing is if you’ve worked hard to build a business and then all of a sudden, you find yourself in a situation where your relationship isn’t working. And you’ve got a split assets, in a lot of cases, the most valuable thing that you have, and the thing that holds your identity because you’ve worked so hard to build it.

Whether it be successful or just making ends meet, is your business. You have gone to work every day, you’ve built it up, you’ve built relationships with suppliers, with clients, with staff members, even if you have a factory or you have a shopfront or an office, the people that are neighbouring those environments. 

3:40  

To think that all of that could come crashing down can be heartbreaking. It just adds to the sorrow and the height that you’re feeling from the breakdown of your relationship. I would previously say that it was much mostly men that had this issue, but I’m finding more and more often amazing women out there doing some really good home business, they’re making some really good coin.

I’d forewarn you if you are a business owner on some of the things that I see happening in people’s businesses when they do not stay on track. 

4:27  

That can be when they take their eye off the ball, or it can be when they get vindictive, and they think, well, I’m going to get back at them. These can be two different ways, it could be I want the business to be worthless. So when it is time of the asset division, the business isn’t worth much, so therefore they’re not going to get much. The thing with that is you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. Running your business into the ground so your partner can’t get anything from that doesn’t make any sense. 

5:08  

Because to do that, you’re losing momentum. You’re not able to get up and rebuild from the place where you left off. That doesn’t make any sense, better of to continue to grow your business or keep it with the same level of income and productivity. 

The back of my mind seats, a story about a financial advisor. His wife had decided that she no longer wanted to be in the marriage. Now, this guy had a very lucrative business. He had 13 staff, he had a very good reputation in the industry. And what happened was, he was so distraught by what had happened in his relationship that he lost the plot. Business staff started to leave because they weren’t getting the proper direction. They had no idea what the future was going to look like for them. They didn’t know whether he had the right frame of mind to run the business. Some of them had been long term staff members. 

6:19  

That pressure just added to him the pressure of not having responsible staff to continue looking after his business when he needed it.

It was another added burden and it compounded how he was feeling. He was losing clients as well. It’s such a sad thing to watch. And I know of someone else that decided that he didn’t care if his business went bankrupt. 

He did not care as long as his ex-wife got nothing from the family business. It doesn’t make sense to me. Is that the sort of person that you want to be when you’re separating?

You need to look in the mirror because if that is the sort of person that you were in your marriage, maybe that is why the marriage didn’t work. 

7:14  

How people behave when things are at their worst is how they are. 

So if you are a business owner, and you are currently going through a separation, it’s important to make sure that you have some staff that can take over from you if you do need some time by yourself. To understand what it is that you want from your future. Everyone has the right to have some time off. 

8:07  

When you’re a business owner, you think that without you the business will not be sustainable or will not run. And that’s a flawed way to run a business because it must have contingencies, it must have a Plan B and a Plan C. 

And this could be the opportune time to start putting some of those things in place if you are a business owner and make sure that you do have someone you can rely on if something goes wrong. So doesn’t need to be all bad. 

8:44  

This could be the turning point of addressing some of them. Maybe the things that aren’t working right in your business, or giving someone else more of a management role, someone that you can trust. Someone that can stand up and help you out while you’re going through this. 

Sales are the oxygen to any business. So making sure that the customers are protected and cared, and that someone can provide answers to your staff, so you are not required constantly. 

Even if it means that for a few weeks or a few months, that rather than working full time you’re only working two or three days a week, and you take some time off just to get your head around what’s going on. What I say is people become even more engrossed in their business because it is all that they’ve got. 

9:48  

They want to be sure that they’re turning up to work and are putting as much as they possibly can. But then when the fight comes around the value of the business, they get quite upset when they have to put a value on that and divide it with this spouse.  

A tool that we use and something that I do with my clients when we’re doing a strategy, we work out what it is that a client wants from the relationship. And if you’re a business owner, is this possibly another asset like a family home, it could be an investment property or something else. 

So, if I’m going to keep the business, and the business is the most important thing to me, then I need to be prepared to give up something else in turn. 

10:41  

That’s where a strategy comes down to making sure that you get what is best for you. If your business is not making money, or if you’ve been working so hard for so many years, and you’ve got nothing to show for it. If you’ve got no profits in the bank, now might be the time to consider your future and ask yourself, is this worth continuing with? Or this is a turning point in your life where you can maybe fold the business up? 

When you were a couple, it didn’t work for a long time. 

11:24  

Businesses can be the pressure that is put on a family, but the financial stress and strain that goes on a family when a business isn’t making money can also cause your relationships to break down. So this could be the time that you look at your business and ask yourself, can I make it sustainable? Can I make it profitable? 

Or is this not only a turning point in your relationship but in your life where you address what your career might be? And it doesn’t need to be sad. It can be rewarding. 

You will have learned lessons along the way that you could take into something else, you might be able to bring in a partner to take over your side of the business, or you might already have a partner and it might be time to sell out.

When you’re going through a separation, it can be a good time to restart, reset and change the rules to what you thought your life was going to be. 

12:29  

So the steps moving forward, if you are a business owner is having evaluation on your business, and understanding what is worth the market value of your business. You need to make sure that the debts associated with the business also taken into consideration, vehicles and other assets, all of those things need to be taken into consideration, and working out whether it is viable to continue operating. 

Now, if you have a money-making machine, congratulations, I imagine you’ve worked hard to get the business to that stage. I you do have a money-making machine as a business, you want to make sure that you can keep it. I’ve had clients that have kept lucrative businesses, and they’ve set up different trust structures to be able to continue to operate those businesses independently. In which every person had a different role.

13:43  

And they answered to someone, so there’s sort of three people in there. 

Don’t stop and think that you are being cornered, that there’s nowhere to go, that you are stuck and you’ve either going to sell your business, or you’ve got a folded up, or you’ve got to pay a spouse a fortune. There are ways and means around it. And if you’re clever, you can come up with options. A business can be like a baby for some people. I know mine certainly is for me, now that my children have got older, my business is everything for me. 

14:22  

I understand what it’s like to have a business that becomes your identity, and you’ve put your love, your sweat and tears into it and you don’t want to give it away. This is hard for people to hear, but if you’ve built a business, and you’ve had a partner that has supported you, that has allowed you not be at home to work long hours, whatever your partner has done to support you, they need to be remunerated, or rewarded for that support they have given. 

Some people will say no, they’ve done nothing. Well, indirectly they have supported, whether it be the household, whether it was before the business made money that helped with cash flow, or they helped by going to work and keeping things going into the business built up. There’s always something that someone has done to assist. 

15:18  

And the easiest way to get over this is being prepared to do what is fair and reasonable. I’m a big believer in karma. Karma can be a bitch and it will come back and bite you in the bum. 

Be honest and fair about it. Give your ex-partner what they are entitled to receive. And make sure that you do once it’s over. 

Get serious about rebuilding your business. You get serious about making better money putting processes in place and commit to your business. Because you’re not committing to your ex-partner anymore. 

16:03  

The idea of a good strategy is having the foundations to be able to build a sustainable future. It’s not about taking something that you do not deserve. It’s about having a trampoline, a jumpstart.

You’re getting the right assets out of your relationship to be able to build a sustainable future. 

Recent Episodes

Social Media And Its Impact On Decision Making

Social Media And Its Impact On Decision Making

Social media can be a gratifying amusement, a space to share our experiences, or even a great business booster. If we are going through difficult times, it can also offer a painful contrast between the happiness we see in it and the sadness we are facing. When we are at our lowest point, when everything seems to get worse and worse, any suggestion or alternative we see or receive looks like the solution to our problems. We need to be aware of the danger of letting social media affect our decision-making process. 

In this episode of the Divorce Angle Podcast, we talk about the importance of staying away from social media when we need it, to regain internal peace. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps:

Burning all the past. [00:01:50]

Why is everything a reason to fight in our marriage? [00:04:30]

The importance of inner peace [00:06:00]

No two divorces are the same. Do your research before using a referral. [00:7:20]

Why are lawyers interested in my method? [00:9:00]

What we post on social media vs how we want to be perceived. [00:10:30]

We need to be mindful of the information we put in our minds. [00:12:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

The Jelly Bean Jar – Hard Copy

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

Divorce Roadmap

Transcription

Hey everyone, welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. It’s 2020 can you believe it? By the time this podcast goes up, it will be the middle of January already. But it’s been here in Australia a very taxing time already with the fires that we have over what seems to be on the whole eastern seaboard. In one of the particular towns that got burned, we have quite an emotional attachment to it, because my husband spent a lot of time working there. 

1:03  

We’ve got a lot of friends there in Mallacoota, and they’ve been isolated. I send my love to the people of Mallacoota, and to the people all over Australia, that are suffering right now with these fires. 

On the weekend, we drove to Adelaide to see one of our uncles, and there were fires over there. They seem to be everywhere. So if you’re in any of these areas, please be safe. Know that we’re all thinking of you and sending our best wishes. We hope that the authorities can get these things under control. 

The reason I started with the fires in Australia,

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if you’re in any other part of the world, you probably aren’t touched by them, other than what you see on the media. 

The analogy that I make with what’s happening right now with my beautiful country and how it’s burning, is similar to what happens when we’re separating or going through a divorce. If you think about it, we’re burning all of the past. And we’re looking at starting again. 

2:23  

And the important thing to know is that we can rebuild, especially the people of Australia, which are resilient. We have each other’s back. And I would like everyone to consider separation knowing that you’re not alone. There are so many people out there to support you. 

The interesting thing is, I’ve been in a conversation with a client the other day and she said, look, I’ve got no support. 

Well, she does have support. It depends on how she looks at it. Because she’s got the support of her lungs. She’s got the support of her heart, she’s got the support of her mind. She came into this world alone, and she, unfortunately, will leave this world alone. But we’ve got to think about how we contemplate making bad decisions. 

3:20  

We’ve been part of a couple before, and now all of a sudden we find ourselves isolated. It’s important to know that you do have support. 

If you think about it, you get a cut on your finger, and how long does it take before it heals up? Not very long at all. Your body is your greatest supporter. And if you encourage it, if you put positive things into your mind and body, this will keep us going. 

There is no difference between the food we put into our bodies and how we replenish ourselves, we need to do the same things with our mind. 

I’ve made a point this week to get off social media. I’m not interested in watching what people are posting, especially those that have never been in these areas. 

4:19  

Some people have a little bit of information and are using that to cause hate saying negative things rather than come up with help and support, they just want to throw stones. 

I’m not interested in allowing that sort of rubbish into my mind. I’m not going to do it. 

When I was in my first marriage, I hate to say this, but I would fight over the littlest thing. It was like I had to fight just to prove that I was worthy. It was like we had to argue. 

If he said white, I would say black. If he said good, I would say bad. If he was a Labor voter, I was a Liberal voter. He barracks for one football team, I would barrack for another. 

I don’t know why it happened like that. But it just did. I look back now and wondered how we survived the 20 years that we did. There was something greater that kept us together. And we had three beautiful children, that was part of the glue.

Looking back, there were many other things that when we got married weren’t big issues, but the longer a relationship went on, those little things became really big problems. 

I’ve spoken about it before, where my mom said to me, I want my Tanya back. The person that you’ve become is not the person that I gave birth. I had changed, I was let’s say, Negative Nelly.

5:59  

I was unhappy, I didn’t know what it was like to have inner peace. Now, my inner peace is paramount for me. I don’t let too much bother me. 

On the weekend, when we were away, some things were said that I would normally get involved with. I take a deep breath and let it go. I do not get involved anymore. It’s made a big difference in my life. 

Now, I turn off social media rather than let it annoy me. You might say, well, Tanya, why are you telling me this? 

What I want you to understand, this is what I realized when I was going through my divorce, everyone had something to say, everyone had a comment. I’m sure they were doing it out of the kindness of their heart. They were all trying to lead me in the right direction.

I probably looked helpless and even I didn’t ask for a lot of people’s opinion, they gave it to me anyway. And when you’re at your lowest point, that is when everything is so uncertain and you don’t know what’s going to happen, you are open to what people say, whether it’s right or wrong. 

You accept it because you think, all that could be the answer to my problem, maybe I will follow that path because that could get me to where I want to go. 

Sometimes I would have people say to me, look, a friend picked this lawyer and they were amazing. 

7:27  

I don’t stop anyone from using a referral. If someone has said that this lawyer was really good for me, they might be good for you too. But it’s important to know that no two divorces are the same. Like DNA, no two people are the same. 

Because one lawyer is right for one person, it might not mean that that person is right for you. And the same with someone may say, I tackle this way and it works well for me, why don’t you give it a go?

You should be open to what people say. But be very mindful and do your due diligence and research before you tackle something. Because when it starts, it could take you down a rabbit hole that you might not be able to get back out of. 

Make sure whatever decisions that you make it is for what is right for you, not because someone else told you to do.

I see this a lot when parents get involved and someone that you respect gives you information and you go well, if that’s worked for them, surely it will work for me. 

8:54  

It might not be the right thing because we’re in different eras. What happened back 20 years ago, and what happens today is completely different. The technology and the information we have today can make a difference to efficiencies in the way we do things. 

I’ve proven this. I’ve had some lawyers say to me, would you mind if I use the process you use to deal with divorce in my practice?

It’s not even a legal procedure, but they can see that I’ve thought differently and come up with a different way. 

Don’t take what someone says as gospel, make sure you do your research and homework on it. 

I remember when I was going through my Facebook feed, as these happy relationships, people that were kissing, or everyone’s seems to be on an overseas holiday in some island, having a great time. And here I was sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself.

I thought, hang on, this is not fair. How did I find myself here? Everyone’s having an amazing life and look at me. 

I look back now and I see that it’s no longer true and the same will be for you. If you feel like that right now, I promise you it will not last forever. 

10:27  

The other thing about social media, which I have researched, I have witnessed and I know for a fact, most of the people that are posting all of these happy photos, they have their self-doubt, and they are showing to the world how they want to be perceived.

People that want to be perceived as good mothers will often post things about spending time with their children. Cooking biscuits, doing artwork, all of those sorts of things which are amazing.

My question is, is why do you need to post that? 

We don’t need to go out and get 100 likes on a post like that and get everyone saying how amazing we are. We only need to do those things.

Deep down inside you should know that you’re worthy. You should know that you’re loved and you need to love yourself more than you love anyone. 

12:06  

I want you to think about that as well. If I bring this conversation full circle, just be mindful of the information that you are putting into your mind. Be mindful that the things that you will be witnessing and watching or reading may not be true. Whether you believe in Donald Trump or not. He’s coined the saying fake news and I tend to believe what he says. 

I’ve witnessed this as well. When I was working at the airport, we would have the film crews come out for a story. By the time, the editor cut and paste most of what came out on TV about this story. It was nothing like what we were trying to portray or the information that we were providing them.

And when my husband was in a fishing show, he caught hundreds and hundreds of fish and he caught a sock. And they played that one beat of him catching a sock over and over. To the extent that he said he will no longer be on any fishing shows.

Be mindful of what you’re putting into your mind. Take everything with a grain of salt, and understand whether you’ve got an opinion on anything, your opinion could be wrong. 

This is the greatest lesson that I’ve learned in my life. That a lot of what I thought was true, a lot of what I thought was right, is not.

How I brought up how my marriage had gone. What I’d probably a little bit indoctrinated. Because we get to learn from our partner, we learn what they think and who they believe. We start to believe in that. 

14:02  

That’s why I believe that you are the sum of the five people that spend the most time around you. If you’re spending time with people that are not filling you with kindness, not filling you with the best information. If they’re negative Nelly, or they bring you down, you need to kick those people to the curb. 

You need to fill your life with positive role models and people that are going to inspire you and help you get through what you’re dealing with right now. 

14:37  

Once again, I send all my love and best wishes to anyone that is in a fire zone or going through anything else. I want to send my love and let you know that you are not alone. 

Know that within you, in you, you have what it takes to fix this issue. You are not alone.

Recent Episodes

What My Lessons Can Teach You

What My Lessons Can Teach You

Every time we say things like: “I am not strong enough to face this alone”, or “I am not smart enough to create something like that by my own”, or even when we think we do not deserve someone’s love, we are boycotting ourselves.

These are made-up stories about ourselves that we repeat in our heads and stop us from making any progress.

In this episode of the Divorce Angel Podcast, I share with you the lessons I learnt from my divorce, and I offer guidance on how to deal with the stories we tell ourselves.

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps

The first lesson I learnt from my divorce. I am strong [00:01:50]

The importance of having a plan [00:03:00] 

Lesson Two. I am smart enough[00:04:30]

Everyone’s got abilities [00:06:00]

Lesson Three. I am resourceful [00:7:20]

Lesson Four. I am lovable [00:9:00]

Lesson Five. I am a good person [00:11:00]

You have everything you need inside of you [00:15:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. I’m so happy that you can be with me today. I’m loving doing this podcast, I truly am. And I’ve gone back and listened to some of the old ones and there’s a big difference in my voice. I love it. So, what I want to have a chat today about is personal. I want to talk about the lessons that I learned from my relationship breakdown. It can be something that you could learn as well. 

0:57  

Depending on where you are in your relationship breakup, I want you to understand that if you have not even left, or if you’ve already left and you are in the very dark beats of the relationship breakdown, then it will be okay. If I can tell you what I learned and how my life turns around, maybe you will know that everything will be okay. And my mentor says something that goes along the lines of this, it always was, is and will be okay. And that’s what I want you to understand because it’s true. When you’re in it you can’t say that it’s going to end but it will end. 

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One of the lessons that I learned from my relationship breakdown is I’m stronger than I ever thought possible. When I look back to my childhood and the person I was, and where I fit it in the family and the relationship breakdown that my parents had. I didn’t know that I had the power to leave an unhappy relationship. I remember when my first husband and I started going out together. I recalled saying to him, that before we get married, we need to live together because I do not want to get divorced. I want to make sure that you are the right person for me. 

2:29  

I thought by living with him for a year before we got married, I would learn all of his habits and things that I didn’t like, and make sure that he was the forever person for me. Little did I know that as we got older, and we grew different ways, that we would grow apart or that our aligned values, especially after having children, or unaligned values because we voted different political parties, he would believe in certain things that I didn’t believe. 

And those things at the start weren’t a problem. But in the end, the longer we’ve been together, they were disgracing. Especially every time he spoke about something when I thought the opposite, it was too hard. And I thought I’m not strong enough to do this. 

Added my 22-year marriage, probably for the first 16 years I did love him, and I thought we would be together forever. It took me probably six years to have enough courage to leave because I didn’t think I was strong enough. I didn’t think I could do it. And as I’ve spoken on previous podcast, they were just stories I was telling myself. Stupid stories. I was strong enough. But I needed to have a plan. And if I had a plan, it would make everything easier. 

And it’s one of the biggest issues that I see today is people don’t think through the consequences. And that’s why we do a divorce roadmap because if you’ve got a plan, you’ve got the knowledge and you know what steps you need to take and it can make all of the difference. 

4:32  

The other lesson I learned is I used to think I’m not smart enough. I can’t do this. I’m not smart enough. My ex-husband was very clever. We could go to the supermarket and I would have a trolley full of groceries and he would be able to add up what the groceries would come to before the cash register. My feeling, because we got married so young, was that I can’t do this by myself. I’m not smart enough to do this. 

Is such a silly thing because when I look back, I was the one that encouraged him to start his own business. I wouldn’t source the funding for that to happen. I went and found the house that we lived in and helped renovate it. There was so much that I did not give myself credit for because he was smart. I just thought I was not smart enough. 

What I know now is tenacity can get you so far in the world. I’ve seen people highly intelligent, but cannot talk to other people.

Just because someone has an MBA in something does not mean that they are any better than I am. 

6:04  

When I was working at the airport, we had the Dalai Lama come through, we head up to stars all the time, there was always someone walking through. And I remember the CEO said to me, Tanya, I’ve never known anyone that treats every person the same. It didn’t matter if it was the Dalai Lama, it did not matter if it was the cleaner, or it was the person on the crossing, I treated everyone the same, with the same respect that I was taught by my parents and grandparents. 

We are all smart differently is the truth of the matter. Everyone’s got abilities, special gifts that we bring to the world, and those things we bring to the world make us individuals. So because I might not be able to add up a trolley full of food does not mean that I am not smart. I look back now. And I see what I’ve done. I’ve written a book, I started two businesses. I’ve been able to support myself. I went and did a job that put my life at risk and had an AFP risk assessment against me, which sorry for those overseas is the strange Federal Police. 

7:22  

But I was able to do all of those things. Yet I had this story before I left my relationship that I was not smart. The other lesson that I learned was how resourceful I could be. There’s a difference between resources and resourceful. And when you have resources, that’s things that you can get your hands on very quickly. It could be money. You have money that you can go and buy things.

Resourcefulness is when you can use your abilities and skills to get further in life. I did not understand the power of being resourceful. I recently did an exercise where I could go over what I thought were all my values in life and I’ve always thought that one of my greatest values was tenacity and resourcefulness. 

When I did a list of my values, I realized that tenacity might be one of my top 10 values. It was a big driver, but my resourcefulness has been key to where I am today.

8:59  

We live in an amazing world. Resources are easy to find with the internet. The answers to every question out there is at our fingertips. But we need to understand what is it that we’re looking for. Then we can go and find it. 

The other big lesson that I learned was that I’m lovable. Before I left my relationship, I had this void in me. I wanted to feel what love was about. So when my ex-husband said that he loved me because I didn’t love him back, there was this emptiness in me, it was barren

10:01  

It was very hurtful to have this void in myself. But when I decided to leave, I remember thinking no one will ever love me again. Why would someone love me? I’m going to be divorced. I’m not good enough. All of these silly stories going through my mind again. No one is going to love me. That was not true. This is what was keeping me in the relationship. I’m not lovable. I’m broken. I’m not okay. I’m not able to keep a marriage together. There’s gotta be something wrong with me, right? No, that’s all wrong. But at the time with my limited resources, I thought that this was all true. And it’s not. 

11:19  

The other lesson that I learned was that I am a good person. 

When you’re fighting, words get said and it has consequences and of course, without knowing it, we are hurting the other person. I would think I’m not a good person for wanting to leave this relationship. I’m not a good person because I’m not only breaking his heart. The children aren’t going to have their mother and father living together. My inlaws, what are they going to think? What are our friends gonna think? But I look back now and I know I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have a good life, I am a good person. But at that particular moment, I kept thinking, I’m bad, this is not good. I’m gonna upset everyone’s life with my decision. 

12:19  

I am a good person. But I didn’t realize it at the time. The biggest lesson of all and that lesson is that I can be happy. 

Now, the years have passed. I’m the happiest person I’ve been as long as I can remember. And I did a podcast on this a few weeks ago. When you’re happy, you make better decisions in your life. When you’re happy, good stuff happens in return, without even knowing it. Whether it’s the universe or whatever, it throws important things your way because you’re making steps in improving not only your life but the people around you. 

My happiness flows on to my children, to my parents, to my husband, to people I come in contact. My happiness is contagious. And I didn’t think that I could ever be happy again. 

And the lesson that I learned is that we are a reflection of our environment. Let me say that again. We are a reflection of our environment. So if you’re living in an unhappy household right now, you will be unhappy because you can’t be any other way. 

You need to get out of it. You deserve to be happy just like I do. You deserve whatever your life is meant to be. Don’t think that just because you’ve got a bigger picture, and it doesn’t align with what other people think, that you need to be kept small. You can do and be whatever you want to do and be. When I accumulate all of these lessons together, I’m not strong enough, and I can’t do this, I’m not smart. 

14:31  

I’m not resourceful. I’m not lovable. I’m not a good person, and I can’t be happy. I can be all of those things plus more, so can you. 

Those are the lessons that I took away from that period of my life where things were pretty bad, and how I’ve turned all of that around to make good and you can do the same thing. 

Ask yourself, what are the lessons that you learned? Right now in your life, what are the lessons that are occurring in front of you that are teaching you something to make your future better? Because you might not realize it when you’re going through it. You might say, this is all bad. But remember what I’ve said, these are stories that you are telling yourself. Those lessons are teaching you something to have a better existence. 

15:30  

Consider all of this. I hope my lessons if you’re going through a separation right now, might give you the ability to understand that around the corner is something amazing for you. Your life can be whatever you want it to be, and you are everything that you can be. 

What does that mean? It means right now inside of you, you are everything you can be. You have everything inside of you to make you happy and successful. You just have to dig deep and find it. But everything is there. It’s all there. I promise you. 

You can have the most amazing life if you choose to. And it’s all about choice. It’s all about the stories you tell yourself and stopping the negativity. 

1:50  

 

Recent Episodes

How We Show Up In Our Relationships Is How We Show Up In Life

How We Show Up In Our Relationships Is How We Show Up In Life

Marriage may be affected by things that mostly we can’t control. They will appear, and we will have to learn how to deal with them. What we can manage, however, is our reaction to these unexpected events. 

We are the reflection of how we deal with the issues surrounding our marriage. Even during divorce, if we handle it with love and kindness, that is what we will get back. We are a reflection of our relationships. To see how we show up in life, we need to look at how we show up in our relationships. In this episode, we talk about the details we should observe to improve the way we show up in life. 

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps:

How did I used to show up in life [00:02:45]

Are you lying to yourself? [00:04:30]

My clients’ light bulb momment[00:06:30]

If you don’t trust your partner, do you trust yourself? [00:07:10]

Always give a 100% [00:10:00] 

The BE-DO-HAVE model [00:12:00]

Showing love and kindness during divorce [00:13:20]

The nuts and bolts case [00:15:45]

My mission on this job. [00:16:30]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

0:20  

Hi, everyone, and welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Tanya Somerton, and I’m the divorce angel. My job is to help streamline people’s divorces. 

If you’ve listened before, you would know that I went through a divorce many years ago when I was working in my corporate role. I found that the system was ridiculous. It was not working at all for me or for what I needed. And having spoken to many people during that period, I can say that the system does not fit for purpose. 

[1:00]

People who needed to use the system realized that that’s the problem, there is no system. Divorce for a lawyer is a legal term. Divorce for everyone else is a process that we need to go through and it’s life-changing. 

It’s the time when we can’t get up, we’re rocking back and forth in a corner. We don’t know how to answer the questions. We don’t know what to do emotionally, as well as trying to survive ourselves.

We’re worrying about everyone else around us, about everyone attached to our relationship. There are so many people in this group like in laws, friends, parents, their brothers and sisters, and above all, there are the children that we have to think about, but where is this system that helps put it all together?

[1:50]

I searched and could not find it. So that’s what my business does today, we glue all of the specific parts for everyone’s circumstances together to form a perfect picture. And then we execute that picture by going through some processes to make sure that our clients get the best outcome. 

In this podcast, I wanted to talk about something that might be a new concept. And it is “How we show up in our relationship is how we show up in life”.

[2:45]

I’ve got evidence to prove that this is correct. I see this happening all the time with my clients.

READ MORE

Doing a deep dive back into my previous marriage I can see that my ex-husband had some of the things that I disliked the most. The funny thing is, I didn’t even know they were there.

That becomes the issue, that’s what I’m talking about. When we’re going through a separation or a divorce it’s a time to rewrite the next chapter in our life, it is a chance to have a look at all of the things that we aren’t the best. 

We are not perfect, and if you think that you are perfect, you’re listening to the wrong podcast because I make a lot of mistakes. I’m the first to put my hand up and say it.

[3:40]

I learned from everything that I do wrong because I’m always looking to better myself and to improve my life. So I can help my clients and my family. 

If you don’t think that what you show up in your relationship is what you are showing up in life, let me go through a few things for you. 

Let’s imagine that in your relationship, the thing that you dislike the most about your partner is that you feel they are lying. You can sense they’re not telling 100% of the truth, that things have been hidden from you and you can tell that something’s not right. Ask yourself this question. Are you lying to yourself?

4:37  

You probably sense deep in your soul that something’s not right. You’re even probably searching for the evidence to prove that they’re lying. But ask yourself, are you lying to yourself as well? 

I see it happen over and over again. I knew that my husband was out gambling because he would ask, can I go? And I would let him go because I didn’t want to deal with the annoying “Can I go? Can I go?”

It was easier to let go but was I lying to myself about what he was doing? Yes. 

I just assumed that he wasn’t causing any harm, that he was going there for fun. I was lying to myself and he was lying to me about the amount that he was losing. 

You might think that this is a silly thing to say but looking back I have to take responsibility for where we ended up because I allowed it to happen. I was lying to myself.

5:48  

There could be other traits in our partners that harm us, like being aggressive,  or unfaithful. 

What is it in your partner that annoys you the most that you haven’t looked deep enough?

If I think about it, I’m also shameful, or I’m also aggressive. 

I love the light bulb moment when a client says he or she’s so aggressive, they raise their voice, they speak to me in a way that’s not okay. 

[6:30]

And then they’ll send me a text message, or they’ll send me an email where they’ve replied to something, and it’s out of control. As aggressive as what they were saying that they are getting from their partner. 

We reflect ourselves in our relationships. And we reflect our partners. And if you think about it, it’s natural when you spend a lot of time with a person. We take on the traits. 

For instance, I can remember when I worked in an office and the HR manager once said to me, it’s strange how all the girls get their periods on the same week.

[7:10]

If you’ve been listening long enough, you will hear me say that we are the sum of the five people that we spend the most time with.

Another one is trust. And trust is a massive thing because all sustainable healthy relationships are built on trust. 

If a client does not trust their partner, or they’ve got a reason to not trust their partner, they don’t trust themselves. And it could be that they don’t trust themselves to make the right decision. 

They are contemplating whether they made the right decision in the first place, picking the partner that they chose and It’s just a mirror of what they’re putting out in the relationship. 

So they’re saying or thinking that they can’t trust or they might even be telling their partner, I can’t trust you. But the bigger issue is that they can’t trust themselves. And when you can’t trust yourself, every decision you make, you’re second-guessing, you’re worried about the consequences of what’s going on.

[8:25]

It can be an ongoing internal battle with a critical voice in your head, or monkey chatter going on all the time. Telling you, you need to be ready, you need to be on guard, something’s about to go wrong. This isn’t right. 

All of that energy that is being spent because you cannot trust yourself to make the right decision, you are portraying that on your partner. And you are saying, well, I can’t trust you. Yet, you can’t trust yourself either. 

So how do we fix this? And what does this all mean? We have relationships in every corner of our life. We’ve got relationships at work, we’ve got relationships with our family. 

An interesting thing is, if you’re a parent, there will be one child that probably pushes your buttons. And that child probably has a lot of similarities with you. 

[9:30]

Those similarities are what causes the conflict in your relationship. So once again, how we show up in our relationship is how we show up in life. 

We’re showing up with our child who is reflecting the part of us that we despise. And that’s the part that’s going to cause the conflict or the arguments. 

It is said that in a relationship both parties need to come giving fifty-fifty so they’re giving equal amounts. I call bs on that.

Something that I’ve learned since I’ve remarried is that both parties need to turn up to the relationship giving 100%.

When one party gives 100% then the other party will give 100%, that is if you were with the right person. 

In my current relationship, you will have heard me talk about this before. It’s no different to my mom’s analogy about the Jelly Bean jar.

[10:49] 

We continually fill our Jelly Bean jar. My husband gets up every morning and brings me coffee at six o’clock before he leaves to work. He does a lot of other little things throughout the day, even when he’s tired, even when he’s worked very hard, and he’s exhausted, he’s still giving 100% to me.

My job is to do the same for him. When I wake up I ask myself what can I do to make his life better. We are in this relationship 100% committed and we have jelly beans all over the floor.

I want to have so many jelly beans that if something goes wrong, or if one of us do something that is not the best for our relationship, our Jelly Bean jar is not empty. 

[11:40]

It’s key to make sure that we give 100%. If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself, are you giving 100% or you are giving nearly nothing? 

If you’re giving barely anything, you will receive nearly nothing back. 

So once again, how we show up in our relationship is how we show up in our life. So if you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s because you are not either giving 100% therefore not getting 100% back. 

There’s a model that I live by and it’s called “Be-Do-Have”. it’s opposite to what most people live in, that is “Have-Be-Do”. 

With the “Be-Do-Have” model, I need to be the person that I want to be to do the things, the actions needed to have the life that I want. 

But most people have this back the front. They think if I have this really good relationship, then I can do what I want to do and I can be who I want to be. That’s the wrong way. 

You are the BE-ing doing to have. You must be the person that you want to be.

When I’m working with clients and they want to hurt the other party, they are hurting themselves. When you take divorce or separation from a place of kindness and love, and you treat your ex-partner with the respect that they deserve for the relationship that you’ve had, then you will get that back.

[13:20]

But if you tackle it from hate, from disdain, then that’s what you will get back from your partner. It’s how the world works. 

If you show the other person love and kindness, they might show you love and kindness back. 

A lawyer has said how they had to go to court over nuts and bolts of a cabinet that neither party wanted, but they both were in it for the fight. So they were reflecting each other. And how they showed up in a relationship was how they showed up in life. 

They weren’t being the person that they needed to be to have the life they wanted. They were thinking: “If I win this argument, I will get what I want, then I can go and do what I want. And then I can be who I want”. It doesn’t work like that. 

It’s a broken strategy. We need to be the person that we need to be. When we show up in our relationship, we need to be the person that we want to be long term. 

It’s hard because most of us are sitting here and thinking “I can’t do it anymore, I have tried my hardest, I’m done”. If that’s the case, you need to take on this formula. 

You need to be a happy person. When you love yourself you project that out, and someone else will love you for who you are. Not for what you do or how you are, they will love you because you are exceptional.

15:45  

If we get back to the nuts and bolts case, from what I understand, they both so angry, they were aggressive. They were showing up angry in their home life with their children, their jobs, their careers and their businesses. 

How they showed up in the courtroom fighting over nuts and bolts was how they portrayed themselves in other areas of their lives. And you don’t want to be like that. That’s not what you want out of the ending of a relationship. 

We should be celebrating the time that we had together because there are lessons in there. And we want to take those lessons into the next part of our life. 

[16:10]

I know you’re probably saying Tanya, it’s easy for you to say that. You’re not in my position. And you’re 100% right, I am not in your position. But all I can do is tell you what I’ve witnessed and seen. And I’ve seen people do things, say things and act in ways, that they will regret later on.

They’ve projected that on to the other party because as you will have heard me say before, for every action, there is a reaction. 

And you don’t want to go down a path like that. 

How you show up in your relationship is how you show up in life. 

Have a look around your life right now. Ask yourself, are you happy? Are you sad? What is it that you can do right now to change your circumstances? What is it that you can do to improve your life? What is it that you can do to make everything easier, less stressful, less painful?

My mission for this year was to make everything easy. I wanted to take everything complex and simplify it. That was my work for this year. 

And I can tell you that it’s made a massive difference to my stress levels, to how I show up, to how I will be because I do not want to be that person anymore. 

I was so stressed about the little things. What happens in my life is my responsibility. But what happens outside of my life, I cannot control and I’m not going to get involved in all of that stuff anymore. 

It makes no difference to me as long as within my circle, and everyone that I love is okay. That’s all that matters. Everything else is not my business. 

Meditate on this, think about it. How you show up in your relationships is how you show up in your life. You are mirroring it, you are a reflection of how you feel on the inside. Your life is a reflection of how you feel on the inside. 

Recent Episodes

The Present Nobody Wants At Christmas

The Present Nobody Wants At Christmas

Statistics show that people in unhappy marriages are more likely to get divorced or separated in December and January. If we collect Google data, we will see an increase in inquiries about divorce from November to January compared to the rest of the year. Why?

Christmas and New Year’s eve are dates that tend to put our lives in perspective and is usually at this time of the year when we decide to make a change. Still, the decisions we make are nuanced by a set of factors.

  • We do not want to ruin our kid’s Christmas
  • The financial strain 
  • Happiness through someone vs self-induced happiness 

In this episode, we walk the road of the tough decisions to be made during this sensitive time of the year. 

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps:

Divorce does not need to be terrible[00:03:00]

Are you 100% comfortable and certain about your decision? [00:04:30]

My reason to get a divorce[00:06:20]

The biggest mistake we can make [00:07:00]

Statistics about the end of the year [00:09:50]

The children issue [00:11:30]

Staying year after year in unhappiness [00:12:30]

My job, my purpose [00:14:00]

Holidays and bad decisions. [00:16:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

The Jelly Bean Jar – Hard Copy

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

Divorce Roadmap

Transcription

[0:19]  

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the divorce Angel Podcast. I am excited that you’re here. I hope you had the most amazing Christmas last week. 

[0:30]

If you’ve already separated, it probably was a time of reflection, looking back and wondering where your life is today, wondering if you’ve made the right decisions. It’s a time of thinking if the choice that you’ve made is the right one. No one can answer that but yourself. 

[1:00]

I have a lot of listeners that have not left their marriage. I know this for a fact because I’ve spoken to quite a few this December, who want to leave their marriage. They want to wait until the Christmas period was over. 

If you’re in that position, I recommend that you go back and listen to some of the first podcasts I did. 

You should listen to the ones I recorded about what I call “The five steps to a seamless divorce”. These steps are the victim, overwhelm, acceptance, focus, and victor. 

Those podcasts outline how best you can get through your separation. Our research shows that you must touch base with each of these different categories to help you move through the process of a successful divorce.

READ MORE

I use the word successful. Success can mean anything to anyone. Every one of us has a different interpretation of what that might mean. And I can’t tell you what success looks like for you. When we do a divorce roadmap with our clients, we asked them for five key categories. 

We set the best possible outcome that we will use as a starting point and reference. When things get a little bit emotional, we’re able to come back to the divorce roadmap and look at it again. That outcome becomes our anchor in our decision making. 

[3:00]

If you’re about to separate, and you worry about your future, consider doing a strategy on what you want to get and what are the outcomes you want. Divorce does not need to be terrible. We’ve heard it all over the news, we’ve seen the movies.

3:30  

The media tells us is that way. When we address our emotions, and we tackle a divorce from a different perspective, it does not need to be harrowing. 

It can still be heartbreaking because we’ve changed our direction. We’ve made different choices. We never thought our relationship would end up where it is. But we can pick our socks up and we can get on with it. 

You don’t need to do it the way the lawyers want you to do it. They would say send a letter, let’s do this aggressively.

We don’t need to do it that way. It’s farcical, it’s a mistake. It’s something that you need to see and contemplate. Is that what you want for your journey or your family? 

[4:30]

I’m sure you already probably know that. But I just wanted to reiterate it to you. In this podcast, I thought I would discuss the present that nobody wants at Christmas. 

If you’re listening to this podcast and you are one of these people that are unhappily married, and you’ve decided that you want to leave but you’re waiting after Christmas, you want to make sure that you put everyone else’s expectations in front of you. 

And you’re prepared to continue for a few more weeks or a few more months to go through the process of making sure that you are 100% comfortable and certain about your decision. 

[5:20]

On December and January, we see an increasing number of people inquiring about separating. And I’ve often wondered, why do we see these increases at these specific time of the year? If I go back and look at the Google data about the people that have googled divorce, the best way to get divorced, how do I get a divorce? There’s an increase from November, through the end of January. 

People are googling these questions wanting to know the answers. They are preparing themselves, they are getting ready to have a conversation with their partner. But if I look at the reasons why it peaks around this period, and I feel I can talk about this because I left my husband in November. 

[6:20]

My reason was I knew I could not go through one more Christmas being unhappy. I realize it. I had to do something. I could not even bear the thought of going through another Christmas and pretty much I felt like I was living a lie. I thought “I can’t pretend for one more minute. I’ve got to do something about my situation and my circumstance because if I don’t, no one will for me”. 

Over this period, the reason that explains why we see an increase is we have these expectations of our relationship, of what we want them to be and how we want them to go. We put those expectations on our partner to be the person that they need to be to make us happy. 

[7:20]

That’s the biggest mistake we can make. Because no one should be making you happy, we should be making ourselves happy. This is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I did not realize this at the time when I was living my ex-husband. 

I have learnt that if I am not happy on the inside, I will not be happy on the outside. Thinking that someone else needs to make me happy is the most ridiculous thing ever. And that’s why so many relationships that I’ve worked with fails. Making us happy is no one else’s job. 

It’s your job to make yourself happy. Expecting someone to do something that will make you feel a certain way, is never going to work.

8:16  

Pretending that you have the perfect family is such a lot of emotional strain on a person. Because no family is perfect. 

I’ve come to realize that those robotic children that don’t complain or don’t do anything, as kids, it might be amazing for their parents, but as adults, they are not good leaders. 

The kids that talk back, those who want to ask a question, they are interested in what’s going on. They are the leaders of tomorrow, but I didn’t realize this when my children were younger. 

It was all about military-style upbringing, making sure that the kids did and said what they were told. I look back now and think I don’t want a cookie-cutter child. I want my child to be a 100% respectful, and for people to say that they’ve got beautiful manners and all those things that are important. 

I don’t want a robotic child because he is not going to be a good leader in the future. I want my children to be exceptional. I want them to have an amazing life. 

For that, they’ve got to be able to think for themselves. So putting all of those expectations on other people is what causes this emotional stress. The next part is there’s a massive increase in alcohol consumption throughout Christmas and the New Year. 

[9:50]

The stats show that there’s a massive increase in domestic violence. I think the last report I read was 157% increase of reported incidence over the Christmas and the New Year period because people are drinking more than they normally would. The police are having massive numbers of calls during that period with what’s going on behind closed doors. 

The other thing is that we’re attending more events, and we’ve got visitors calling in to see us and the first thing we do, especially here in Australia, we drink.

[10:35]

We have a high number of people that drinks. It’s a way of socializing, it’s what we do. When you look at alcohol and people’s reactions, perhaps not only if you’re under the consumption of alcohol, you might say something you should not.

Once words are spoken, it’s very hard to take them back. Events will happen. And they either stick in your mind and it can be if I use the analogy, the nail in the coffin. 

You keep thinking “We can work on this, this will be okay” But then something happens and you go “Enough, I’m not going to deal with this for one more minute, I am not going to put my happiness aside to allow someone to say or treat me the way they do”

[11:35]

Then there is the children issue. This is a conversation that I’ve had with numerous women over the last month.

“I need to stay for the kids at least till Christmas. Let’s make sure that they’re okay. I’m going to make sure that they have a very nice Christmas, both financially and emotionally. So when I leave at least I know that that’s happened”

The biggest issue I see here is a woman stayed one Christmas. Then she decided to stay the next one and then she decided to again. Then she turned around and said, wow, I should have left earlier. 

The issues in her situation were all-around fear. And she couldn’t do it. She told herself she would not be able to survive without a partner. She stayed in an unhappy marriage. 

[12:40]

Don’t be that person that stays year after year and use the children as an excuse. If you can fix your marriage, I am the greatest supporter of fixing a marriage. My job is not to go out there and make people separate and break up. 

If you’ve ever heard me talk about this, the reason that I do the job I do is because of the stats that we have. And they’re very similar around other parts of the world. But we have 40 to 50% of first-time marriages failing. We have 70% of second-time marriages failing and 90% of the third.

I cannot do anything about the first time marriages because I’m not there when someone picks a partner. But I can do something about the second and third-time marriages. I can get people to think differently. I can get them to take responsibility. I can get them to love themselves. I can get them to be in love with themselves so that when they made a new partner, they know what they want. They’re not happy accepting anyone because they feel they need someone to either support them financially or emotionally.

[14:05]  

That is my job. I do not want to say the 70 and 90% of second and third-time marriages fail, I want to change that step. That’s my goal. That’s my purpose. That’s why I am here, to help and to make people’s lives different when it comes to that second and third time around.

[14:25]  

Okay, we’ve just got through these Christmas, if you’re unhappy and you realize it’s not going to work, it’s time to do something about it. Because when time is gone, we don’t get it back. 

The next one is the financial strain. We’ve got this financial strain over Christmas and New Year’s period because the average person spends around $500 on Christmas. So we’ve got plenty of people coming around all the time, all these things put additional strain on a family budget. 

Then we’ve got holidays. In a lot of cases, most businesses will shut down over the Christmas period and people are forced to have holidays.

[15:30]

So if you run your own business, more stress yet again, because you’ve got to pay up all of your staff’s wages and you’ve got no income coming in. Holidays put financial strain on families. 

The other thing with holidays, according to what research has shown is that if you think that you’re going to make it work, everyone goes. There’s so much stress throughout the year that once we go on a holiday and relax we think we will make things work better. We will have a different mindset, therefore, everything will be better. 

But what often happens is when people are relaxed, we start to see that we have grown apart. We’ve got different ideas of what our future looks like. It could be that when you go on a holiday, one person wants to relax, the other person wants to go on adventures.

All of a sudden this conversation that you haven’t had, because you’ve been busy running around with the kids and everything else, once you have it, it does not set your heart on fire like it used to before. 

And something might be said and you will think “that is it, It’s not working”.

Over this period is when we see an increase of divorces and separations and that is sad. And as I said, it’s the present that nobody wants at Christmas. 

[17:05]

If you are unhappy, no one can make your life happy. But you if you are unhappy, you need to do something about your circumstances and what’s going on in your life. No one can fix it. But you. 

Hopefully, this podcast has been able to give you some idea as to why possibly one or a few of these points may have rung a bell for you. And you go, yep, that’s exactly the situation I’m in. Or I can relate to that. And if that is the case, please get on to our website and book a 15-minute clarity call. We’d love to see if we can help you to put together a strategy to help you understand what the next steps might be, and how to keep it as amicable and as cost-effective as possible. 

It does not need to cost you your house, it does not need to cost you everything emotionally. The way you have your first conversation with your partner will be the start of how this all will turn out. 

Where are we? What’s the date? It is nearly the end. Oh, it will be the end of this year. So this will be the very last podcast for this year. Can you believe it? I just want to thank every one of you for listening. My heart swells at the thought that you will spend time listening to what I have to say. I want to just thank you from the bottom of my heart. I get emotional because I want everyone to get through divorce in the most effortless way possible. And I know effortless sounds ridiculous when we’re talking about ending a family or ending a marriage, but it can be if we think differently. So that’s it for this podcast. Have a great new year. I love you all. Thanks for listening, and I appreciate every one of you. Okay, bye for now.

 

 

Recent Episodes

Emotions On The Holidays While Dealing with Separation

Emotions On The Holidays While Dealing with Separation

With Christmas at the end of the year usually we see a lot of laughter, joy and happiness. It is that time of the year when we reflect on what we did through the days passed by and set our goals for the coming new year. And most of all this is when the celebrations begin and usually we look forward to family reunions. The only thing we want is to be around the ones we love the most. If you are going through a separation or a divorce, this could be a problem for you. May be your dreading it.

Perhaps when everybody else is hugging each other and unwrapping presents, your alone feeling the worst. Its probably very tough for you and you may be thinking that from now on (and at least till you find someone new), you are alone. It is a date where emotions are all over the place. Not only for us but for our kids too. All the more reason to be confused and stressed.

This special podcast is about the effects that a divorce will have on us during the holidays. What we should expect from assembled families and how to pass through this particular time of the year with less pain and possibly a better attitude. 

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps:

What is your greatest struggle at this time of year?[00:01:00]

What is the major concern for women during Christmas? [00:02:00]

What we should do with our kids and what we should not.[00:04:00]

What kind of memories are we creating? [00:07:00]

The importance of being present. [00:09:00]

My first Christmas after the divorce. The hardest ever. [00:10:30]

New partners and our kids. [00:12:00]

Our ex’s family. Should we keep in touch? [00:15:00]

How to restart? Suggestions and ideas. [00:17:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

[0:00] Hi, everyone, and welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. I do these podcasts on what I call podcast set day, I normally sit down and do four of them in a row. And that’s why the topics normally collate or have a reference to one another one. 

For today’s podcast, I wanted to go live on the week of Christmas. The reason for that is I’m in a few support groups where I help people get through their separation and divorce. And recently I asked the question: What is your greatest struggle at this time of year? And I got back probably about 30 different replies.

[0:45] A lot of them were the same for certain people. There were a few odd ones here and there, but many of them were the same. 

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I can remember going through this myself. So I thought for this podcast, let’s have a chat around four of the biggest issues.

How can I assist you in trying to mitigate your concern, if you are going through one now?

I’m pretty sure that they’re all very similar and everyone in some way, shape or form will be dealing with one of these issues coming up to or leading to the week of Christmas and after. 

[2:00] The interesting thing is when I broke the demographics down to men and women, women mostly worry about the financial part of Christmas. 

When we’re in a relationship with someone else, someone is supporting us, there’s two of us bringing income so there’s no stress. We will work on getting rid of the debts together. There’s always someone to rely on. 

But when you separate or are going through a separation, you are responsible for your finances, you think twice about everything that you spend your money on.

[2:45] If you don’t take responsibility for where the money is being spent, no one else will, it’s up to you. So you either have one or two things happening. You either have people going, or thinking that they need to provide the same level of standard they had. That means the same amount of money spent on gifts as they would have previously when they were still together with their ex. 

[3:25] If you’ve got children, the children should not be affected by the separation. We try to help them with their unhappiness, we do it by pretending everything is the same as it was previously. And you can see how silly is that.  Pretending that everything is the same when it’s not. Things have changed, we’re in a different part of our life now. 

[4:00] The children need to help and assist us with that. I mean, it’s not their responsibility to make us happy but, this is the reality that we now live. The kids have to get used to that. 

I heard when I was in this group, people commenting on the fact that the other parent was trying to buy the child’s love. They were the high income, they were trying to buy you more expensive presents for the children. And they felt like they were inferior or could not compete. 

I’m here to tell you that the kids love you because you are their parent, they don’t love you for what you can give them. 

[4:45] There was a study done when my children were young, it was all around the fact that children don’t remember the toys that they were given. What they remember, is the events and the holidays. The moments are what we recall as adults. 

Think about yourself, do you sit there and recall that your mom and dad bought you the latest Star Wars toy or the best Barbie? Do you remember a special moment in time that you recall often, that brings you joy and happiness and you feel it in your chest?

That moment is what you want the most. That’s a memory that brings back the most amazing feelings for you. It’s never getting a toy. That’s a fallacy. 

[5:45] So don’t put pressure on yourself thinking that you have to spend a fortune on your children, just because that’s what you used to do, or that’s what your ex is doing. That will get you nowhere.

You will be setting up a standard that the children are going to expect year after year, and you will not be able to afford it. You are setting yourself up for failure right from the start. 

What men most worry about is the fact that they feel lonely. They believe that they’re not going to see the children because the children are going to spend more time with their mothers. 

Men feel women are holding the power in the situation, and decide how often the fathers are going to see the children. Then the man will try to buy the child’s love by giving them a greater present, or a more expensive gift. So that the child will want to come back and see them and be with them more often.

[7:00] That is not true. The children want to spend quality time with their parents. If you’re the father and you’re only seeing your children limited over the Christmas period, make sure that you spend quality time, because quality is more important than quantity. 

Anyone can have a quantity of time but don’t allow the kids to be sitting there playing on their PlayStation or their iPads. Make sure you go and create a memory with your child.

Make a memory for them to remember. Because memories build up emotions, and emotion sends out a frequency. That frequency is what we remember as humans. 

There’s something that you look back on later on. It’s sort of burned into your mind of how amazing that was. That’s what we should be striving for as parents, making sure that our kids have the greatest memories of us. 

When my kids ask me, what do you want for your birthday? Or what do you want as a present? I answered I don’t want a present, I want a memory. So we hired a bus, and we went around to a lot of wineries because as you know, my children are adults now, they are in the early 20s.

[8:15] We all went on a winery tour around the peninsula and we had a great time. We laughed, we had fun, and I’ll remember that forever. But they would have given me a gift and I probably would have put it somewhere.

I would have been a candle or a bottle of wine, or it could have been who knows what it may have been but, I would have put it somewhere, I would have drank it. I would have burnt it if it was a candle and then it was gone. 

Memory is something that we will always have. My advice is: Create memories with the kids. Spending time with your children is the most valuable gift you could give them. It’s something that they will always recall. They realize that you’re always going to be for them when you give them time.

[9:30] Along with that, especially for the guys in this group, when I was talking to them came about being lonely. Whether it’s the females or the men being lonely at this time is an awful feeling. 

I remember my first year of being separated from my husband, we separated in November. And when it came around to Christmas, I felt empty. I was happy I’d decided to leave and I was looking for a better future. But as well it was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

You think about what your life used to be. And all of that is more prevalent than what it could be in the future. You seem to be slipping back into that. Into that past life, and that brings up all these other emotions. 

[10:30] I remember seeing around the tree at my mom’s house, and all of a sudden, I burst out crying because everyone in my family was there as a couple. My brothers, both with their partners and everyone was giving each other a gift. 

I think for me in that very moment, the reality of what had happened hit me. This is my new normal, I need to get used to this. I’m no longer a person who is part of a couple I am now singular. It’s just me. 

Loneliness hit me like a sledgehammer and it was an awful feeling. What I needed to do was to make sure that I was happy with myself. I talk about it quite a lot to my clients. I dated myself, I needed to make sure I fell back in love with me. That made a whole difference in how I started making decisions. 

[11:30] I had no issues with being alone anymore because I was learning more about what was important, what I needed to be for a successful life. How can I be the best person I could be? 

I spent a lot of time thinking about that. And it made me get through the loneliness. The truth is, it was a tough time. I even lost about eight kilos in three or four weeks over Christmas Day. 

I would put my chains on, and I would just walk. And I remember walking up to 40 kilometres. I’d put the chains on, I’d put happy songs on, I would go for a walk and I’d be walking two hours at a time. One day I walked for six hours.

Then I learned what it was that I wanted and needed for my life. When the loneliness came,  I got the awareness that I needed to find out truly who I was. Hopefully, that might help you a little bit because loneliness is something that is going to be very, very vivid at this time he for you.

[12:45] Another issue that was coming up was all around new partners. One person had said my biggest issue is my husband’s new girlfriend. Another lady said my cheating ex-husband moving his girlfriend in. 

If your ex is introducing your children to a new partner, you need to be aware that you’re on the same page. Hopefully, you are on talking terms and you’ve had a conversation around the new partner, meaning the kids. 

It can’t be that out of nowhere your children are introduced to someone new, it needs to be a phased approach. But being jealous of your ex’s new partner is not going to get you anyway. Jealousy is the lowest form of energy that we can have and it gets us nowhere.

Being jealous is going to cause you more pain and hurt. There’s nothing you can do about your ex-partner moving on. They don’t know how you feel, they don’t know you’re feeling jealous, they don’t know you’re angry, because they are happy, I’m assuming.

[14:30] They’ve introduced the kids to the new partner. And they’ve done that because they think that this new person is the person that they want to be with for a while. May I not go so much further with partners, ex-partners and relationships after divorce, which I might do a podcast on that one day. 

[15:00] You should not be worried about what’s happening with your ex and what they are doing, other than how it affects your children. Being jealous because your ex is moving on, is not going to get you anywhere. It will eat you up inside. So listen to me when I tell you don’t spend your time worrying about that.

How you feel on the inside is what you are portraying on the outside and you don’t want to be that person on the outside. 

[15:30] The last topic I want to discuss is the ex is family with a family too. We feel like we’re losing part of ourselves by separating. Whether it was a sister or a brother in law, a mother in law that was kind and special to you. Now you feel like you’re missing out a tradition or something that you regularly did that brought you happiness and joy. 

You can make new traditions, you need to make new traditions. That new tradition doesn’t mean that that sister or brother in law, or whoever the family member was that meant so much to you, you can’t catch up with them.

Because you no longer with their family member does not mean that you are still not family, that you are still not important to them. You need to make a new tradition. It doesn’t mean that it’s all over, it means it is going to start something new. Starting something new can be a good thing. 

Closing this podcast I want to say that the first year of separation is by far the hardest at a time like this. By far. All I can tell you is year after year, it will get easier. Please don’t sit around, feeling sorry for yourself, make a new tradition.

[17:55] Do something that’s going to inspire you. Go down to the homeless shelter, feed some people that are less fortunate than you.

Do something to pay back to your community. Because karma will always come back and pay you in some other way. 

Do something completely new and different for you so that you can make sure that you are going to be okay. 

I remember the day that my stepfather passed away. My mother was in a world of hurt. I can’t tell you how she was when it comes to Christmas. She said I don’t want to do Christmas this year. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to do it.

She didn’t tell us and to my surprise, she got up that morning and she went to a homeless shelter. She fed some less fortunate people. 

[18:50] I said to her later on, why did you do that? And she said the reason was I needed to feel like not only my life worth. I wanted to make someone else know that I cared about them. And it’s stuck with me for a very long period because she was by far the worst I’ve ever seen her in my lifetime. And yet she was still able to get up and go out and help someone else. 

I wish you a Merry Christmas, next year is going to be so amazing for you. I promise. It’s all-around how you think and what you think you’re going to achieve and be capable of. 

[19:35] Please look into the future to think about what that can be. But from my family to yours, I wish you the biggest and happiest Christmas. And I want you to know that your future can be anything that you want it to. Just look at me as an example. Your life can be amazing. So have an amazing rest of this Christmas week. Make sure that you have some joy and fun in your life.  Okay, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Bye

Recent Episodes

How To Make Co-Parenting A Success

How To Make Co-Parenting A Success

To our kids, divorce is a life long process. During this process, the ability to do a great job at parenting is even more relevant. We need to be very careful with what we say and do in front of our children because we are their source on how to behave and react in life.

Everything we say about our ex-spouse will affect our kids, either positively or negatively. Negative remarks we make about our ex-spouse will leave a scar in our kids, and that is why we need to be mindful of what we choose to say and do.

Co-parenting can truly be a success if you chose to do it in a child centered approach. In this episode, we talk about strategies to avoid making mistakes as divorced parents and how you can handle your emotions better around your kids.  We just need to have a well thought through approach to anything in life to make it work.  After all, parenting is tough and co-parenting has its own set of challenges. By the end of this podcast you will know its not rocket science. All we need is a mindful approach to make co-parenting a success.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps:

Why we choose that person in the first place?[00:01:00]

What our kids struggle the most during a divorce? [00:03:00]

Our kids learn from us.[00:05:00]

How to explain to our kids what is happening and why?[00:07:00]

The importance of being present. [00:09:00]

Quality time or quantity of time, what our kids need? [00:11:00]

What do our kids need in a moment like this? [00:13:00]

The risks of involving our kids. [00:15:00]

The benefits of avoiding overthinking. [00:17:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

0:00  

Hey everyone, and welcome to the divorce Angel podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. If you haven’t listened to any of my podcasts before, I recommend that you go back to some of the early ones because there’s some great content in there.

An interesting thing about how we learn is we only take in what means the most to us at a particular stage of what we’re dealing with. Because what we want to do when we make a decision, is to support that decision. We’re always looking for evidence to know that the decision we’ve made is the right one. 

1:00

In this week’s podcast, I wanted to have a chat about co-parenting in divorce because it’s a big issue that I see a lot. 

When we chose our partner, we chose that person because we knew subconsciously that they would be a good parent or co-parent with us.

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They had the right qualities, the traits, the morals, we thought they’d make a very good co-parent with us. And in some instances, they good counteracted our bad and vice versa. 

We were able to work together for the best outcome for our children. I have a great woman who I refer to a lot of my clients because she’s just next level fantastic. Her team of child’s psychologists are amazing. They give the parents information that changes completely the way those parents treat their kids.

2:00

If you’re going through a separation at the moment, and you see that your kids are struggling, is important for you to understand how to talk and deal with them. For the children, they must know what is going on and communication must be clear. 

3:00

According to what I have discussed with the team of psychologists and after doing research on this topic I knew that, in a lot of cases, the reason that the children struggle the most is they want to understand how the separation of the parents is going to affect them. When we’re separating, it’s important to be able to tell our children what is going on and how it will affect them. This is one of the greatest frustrations being a child. 

Kids want to make sure that they’re going to see both parents, that their life is going to continue as normal as possible. They want to know if the two of you are still going to be able to communicate and keep them as a top priority. 

What we talk about in my business is a child-centred divorce parenting method. What does that mean? It’s making sure that the children come first. I’m sure that you’ve heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child” Everyone in the village does not live under the same roof. Co-parents with extended family, aunties and uncles, nieces and nephews become the village for our children.

5:00  

All of them have something to add to the child’s upbringing and their future. They learn so much from all of us. I’ve spoken about it before that our children are like sponges between the ages of one and seven, or one and eight. They learn from what they witness, what they hear, they take that all in subconsciously.

5:30  

And that’s what’s most important. It’s during those years, those formative years that we are making the adults of the future right there. When considering separating, people will say I’m staying because of the kids. They’re staying in unhappy marriages because they think they need to stay because of the children. 

6:15

This is a broken strategy because children learn as I said, from the parents, they learn how to be in a relationship. They learn all of these by watching and hearing us. They get it from the energy in the room. Is it loving energy? Is the animosity in the room? There’s the 3d us, and then there are other dimensions of us. 

6:45

That energy is not just what my mentor calls a bag of bones that we walk around in. The energy that’s in the room is what the children sense. That’s how other dimensions it’s explained to me in its simplest form, and that’s how I’m trying to explain it to you. 

But the kids learn the best and worst of us by watching us, they watch how we interact, and that’s how they learn how to communicate as well. 

Staying in an unhappy relationship is not the answer. Being a happy individual and learning how to co-parent with your ex-spouse will have a lifelong influence on your children, and how they make their future decisions. Not to mention that you’re improving your happiness. 

Your goal should be making that your kids thrive and grow.

And you both being on the same team does not need to be difficult. If you follow a few of these steps I’m going to take you through now.

7:30  

So when you are sitting down with your children and you are explaining what’s about to happen, as in mom and dad are taking these steps because they care about each other and their future.

And that both parties have different goals and aspirations. 

As I spoke about, research shows that the kids will have questions around this decision and how it will affect them and that neither parent will abandon them. That’s the biggest concern. That’s the most important thing for them. Divorce is not a one-time event for the children. It’s a life long process. 

The children adapt, they adjust. Everyone is different, but you need to be prepared to have such talks with your kids. If possible, talking together both of you shows the kids that you’re both ready to work on the best interest of the family. A family does not need to be the nucleolus that it used to be. I’ve got clients that are same-sex couples that have got children. 

9:15

Today, grandparents look after children. Single parents. The word family can mean anything just as long as the people in the family are loved and respected and cared for. That’s what family should mean. 

9:30

Show the kids that you’re both ready to work on their best interests. And that divorce may lead to them having a much better relationship with each parent. If you’re less stressed, and you’re happier, you can give more quality time to the child, you can teach your child, the best of you, not the worst of you. That’s what’s important. 

Being present for your kids physically and emotionally during divorce is important. The quality of time you spend with your child matters more than the quantity of time. Children don’t recall the number of things.

I recall this when my children were little, my ex-husband used to spend a lot of money on the kids, he would buy them all of these expensive toys. But when I talked to my kids now who are adults, kids don’t recall what was spent on them. 

They don’t know whether it was a $5 toy or a $500 toy. They just know it was a toy. They remember moments. Moments are what people can go back and look at a timeline in their life. They can recall specific moments at specific ages because that moment made a difference to them. 

11:00

Quality of time and making memories with your children is so important. Parents need to be emotionally present, showing a genuine interest in their lives and being actively involved during the time of separation.

It is important because they need to be able to communicate. They need to feel heard, and they need to feel they are important. 

Another key point is something that I learned when my parents got divorced. I made sure that my children didn’t go through this. I witnessed my parents separating when I was a teenager. My mom, never bad mouthed my father. 

My father was struggling so much emotionally with what had going on. He was always looking for issues, he would say hurtful things.

12:00

Children love both parents, when one party says something bad or negative about the other parent, it is attacking the child, because the child loves that person. When you say something bad or negative about them, you’re saying something negative about the child.

If you love someone, and you’d love them for everything that they are, you love 100% of them. If there’s something bad that the other parent is saying, then the child feels like they’re getting attacked. Hopefully, that makes sense. Making sure that you never badmouth your partner is critical to an ongoing healthy relationship with your child.

12:30  

Your child needs reassurance, do not speak negatively about the other parent or the parenting methods or what’s going on in that household. But a child is a combination of both of you and how you speak about your ex-partner might result in the children looking at themselves in that particular way. 

It is important to have a co-parenting schedule, where things are clear between you and your partner. Keeping away all hostilities is key and remaining flexible to accommodate whenever you can. 

Respecting each other so that the children feel reassured and confident is important. It may be difficult in the beginning, but over time, I promise it, things will fall into place and it will get easier. 

When you decide to marry a person or to be with someone, this is the consequence of that decision. You need to swallow the pride, the animosity, whatever it is that you’re feeling and put your child’s needs above yours until things get better or easier. 

14:00

I see parents involving their children in adult problems or decisions. Children are called children for a reason. It’s not their job to help solve a problem or come up with solutions for you. No matter how tempted or frustrated you are with your ex, involving the kids and putting stress on them to help fix a problem is not okay.

They are not your best friend or your counsellor. You need to speak to someone who can help you with those problems. But speaking to your kids about specific issues is not okay. 

15:10

I had a client who involved her teenage children in everything. And it was sad to watch. You could say that the kids were pulling away from her. She thought the more she involved them, the more that they would help her feel better. 

But it just showed a lack of control and strength on her part, and they became her carers. As soon as those kids were 18, they were flying the coop, they did not want to be involved in that anymore.

The way she would put down their father wasn’t okay. The kids were often hurt by some of the things that she said. 

16:15

I could see that she needed a level of help and support from a counsellor or a therapist to work through her abandonment issues.

The issues were bigger than anything her children could help with, but what she was doing was detrimentally affecting her relationship with her kids.

16:30

Leading on from that is making sure that you have a healthy mind and body, and that you make things far less complicated. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying: “Less is best”

The less stress we have by making our lives less complicated means that we have more energy and ability to make the right decisions on important things. 

17:00

Stressing about the little issues will only complicate everything. They are stories you are telling yourself about something that probably is not even true. 

Be sure that from a mind perspective, you are not overthinking, you are not saying in your head that it is a certain outcome which possibly it is not, it is just a story you are telling yourself.

When we are going through a separation it’s easy to think that it wasn’t our fault. 

17:45

We do this because we need to protect ourselves and that’s a form of protecting ourselves but also confusing our lives and making it harder. 

You might go for a walk to get some fresh air, some sunshine, some rain on your face, whatever the case may be. Make sure you get out into the world and don’t hide. You need to make sure that your life continues and rolls on.

18:00 

Loving yourself is so important. You need to date yourself and make sure that you are okay for your children. 

The kids are our future. The kids are the adults that are going to run our country in the long run. We need to help them, protect them as best we can. And it’s not their job to be the umpire. It’s not their job to be stuck in the middle of a relationship. We need to make sure that we get it right not them. 

It’s going to be Christmas next week. Can you believe it? I’ve got a podcast next week coming out on some of the issues that some of my previous clients and some support group people have been struggling with. So hopefully you might get some value out of that as well but have a nice pre-Christmas one. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye for now.

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