Doing a deep dive back into my previous marriage I can see that my ex-husband had some of the things that I disliked the most. The funny thing is, I didn’t even know they were there.
That becomes the issue, that’s what I’m talking about. When we’re going through a separation or a divorce it’s a time to rewrite the next chapter in our life, it is a chance to have a look at all of the things that we aren’t the best.
We are not perfect, and if you think that you are perfect, you’re listening to the wrong podcast because I make a lot of mistakes. I’m the first to put my hand up and say it.
I learned from everything that I do wrong because I’m always looking to better myself and to improve my life. So I can help my clients and my family.
If you don’t think that what you show up in your relationship is what you are showing up in life, let me go through a few things for you.
Let’s imagine that in your relationship, the thing that you dislike the most about your partner is that you feel they are lying. You can sense they’re not telling 100% of the truth, that things have been hidden from you and you can tell that something’s not right. Ask yourself this question. Are you lying to yourself?
You probably sense deep in your soul that something’s not right. You’re even probably searching for the evidence to prove that they’re lying. But ask yourself, are you lying to yourself as well?
I see it happen over and over again. I knew that my husband was out gambling because he would ask, can I go? And I would let him go because I didn’t want to deal with the annoying “Can I go? Can I go?”
It was easier to let go but was I lying to myself about what he was doing? Yes.
I just assumed that he wasn’t causing any harm, that he was going there for fun. I was lying to myself and he was lying to me about the amount that he was losing.
You might think that this is a silly thing to say but looking back I have to take responsibility for where we ended up because I allowed it to happen. I was lying to myself.
There could be other traits in our partners that harm us, like being aggressive, or unfaithful.
What is it in your partner that annoys you the most that you haven’t looked deep enough?
If I think about it, I’m also shameful, or I’m also aggressive.
I love the light bulb moment when a client says he or she’s so aggressive, they raise their voice, they speak to me in a way that’s not okay.
And then they’ll send me a text message, or they’ll send me an email where they’ve replied to something, and it’s out of control. As aggressive as what they were saying that they are getting from their partner.
We reflect ourselves in our relationships. And we reflect our partners. And if you think about it, it’s natural when you spend a lot of time with a person. We take on the traits.
For instance, I can remember when I worked in an office and the HR manager once said to me, it’s strange how all the girls get their periods on the same week.
If you’ve been listening long enough, you will hear me say that we are the sum of the five people that we spend the most time with.
Another one is trust. And trust is a massive thing because all sustainable healthy relationships are built on trust.
If a client does not trust their partner, or they’ve got a reason to not trust their partner, they don’t trust themselves. And it could be that they don’t trust themselves to make the right decision.
They are contemplating whether they made the right decision in the first place, picking the partner that they chose and It’s just a mirror of what they’re putting out in the relationship.
So they’re saying or thinking that they can’t trust or they might even be telling their partner, I can’t trust you. But the bigger issue is that they can’t trust themselves. And when you can’t trust yourself, every decision you make, you’re second-guessing, you’re worried about the consequences of what’s going on.
It can be an ongoing internal battle with a critical voice in your head, or monkey chatter going on all the time. Telling you, you need to be ready, you need to be on guard, something’s about to go wrong. This isn’t right.
All of that energy that is being spent because you cannot trust yourself to make the right decision, you are portraying that on your partner. And you are saying, well, I can’t trust you. Yet, you can’t trust yourself either.
So how do we fix this? And what does this all mean? We have relationships in every corner of our life. We’ve got relationships at work, we’ve got relationships with our family.
An interesting thing is, if you’re a parent, there will be one child that probably pushes your buttons. And that child probably has a lot of similarities with you.
Those similarities are what causes the conflict in your relationship. So once again, how we show up in our relationship is how we show up in life.
We’re showing up with our child who is reflecting the part of us that we despise. And that’s the part that’s going to cause the conflict or the arguments.
It is said that in a relationship both parties need to come giving fifty-fifty so they’re giving equal amounts. I call bs on that.
Something that I’ve learned since I’ve remarried is that both parties need to turn up to the relationship giving 100%.
When one party gives 100% then the other party will give 100%, that is if you were with the right person.
In my current relationship, you will have heard me talk about this before. It’s no different to my mom’s analogy about the Jelly Bean jar.
We continually fill our Jelly Bean jar. My husband gets up every morning and brings me coffee at six o’clock before he leaves to work. He does a lot of other little things throughout the day, even when he’s tired, even when he’s worked very hard, and he’s exhausted, he’s still giving 100% to me.
My job is to do the same for him. When I wake up I ask myself what can I do to make his life better. We are in this relationship 100% committed and we have jelly beans all over the floor.
I want to have so many jelly beans that if something goes wrong, or if one of us do something that is not the best for our relationship, our Jelly Bean jar is not empty.
It’s key to make sure that we give 100%. If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself, are you giving 100% or you are giving nearly nothing?
If you’re giving barely anything, you will receive nearly nothing back.
So once again, how we show up in our relationship is how we show up in our life. So if you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s because you are not either giving 100% therefore not getting 100% back.
There’s a model that I live by and it’s called “Be-Do-Have”. it’s opposite to what most people live in, that is “Have-Be-Do”.
With the “Be-Do-Have” model, I need to be the person that I want to be to do the things, the actions needed to have the life that I want.
But most people have this back the front. They think if I have this really good relationship, then I can do what I want to do and I can be who I want to be. That’s the wrong way.
You are the BE-ing doing to have. You must be the person that you want to be.
When I’m working with clients and they want to hurt the other party, they are hurting themselves. When you take divorce or separation from a place of kindness and love, and you treat your ex-partner with the respect that they deserve for the relationship that you’ve had, then you will get that back.
But if you tackle it from hate, from disdain, then that’s what you will get back from your partner. It’s how the world works.
If you show the other person love and kindness, they might show you love and kindness back.
A lawyer has said how they had to go to court over nuts and bolts of a cabinet that neither party wanted, but they both were in it for the fight. So they were reflecting each other. And how they showed up in a relationship was how they showed up in life.
They weren’t being the person that they needed to be to have the life they wanted. They were thinking: “If I win this argument, I will get what I want, then I can go and do what I want. And then I can be who I want”. It doesn’t work like that.
It’s a broken strategy. We need to be the person that we need to be. When we show up in our relationship, we need to be the person that we want to be long term.
It’s hard because most of us are sitting here and thinking “I can’t do it anymore, I have tried my hardest, I’m done”. If that’s the case, you need to take on this formula.
You need to be a happy person. When you love yourself you project that out, and someone else will love you for who you are. Not for what you do or how you are, they will love you because you are exceptional.
If we get back to the nuts and bolts case, from what I understand, they both so angry, they were aggressive. They were showing up angry in their home life with their children, their jobs, their careers and their businesses.
How they showed up in the courtroom fighting over nuts and bolts was how they portrayed themselves in other areas of their lives. And you don’t want to be like that. That’s not what you want out of the ending of a relationship.
We should be celebrating the time that we had together because there are lessons in there. And we want to take those lessons into the next part of our life.
I know you’re probably saying Tanya, it’s easy for you to say that. You’re not in my position. And you’re 100% right, I am not in your position. But all I can do is tell you what I’ve witnessed and seen. And I’ve seen people do things, say things and act in ways, that they will regret later on.
They’ve projected that on to the other party because as you will have heard me say before, for every action, there is a reaction.
And you don’t want to go down a path like that.
How you show up in your relationship is how you show up in life.
Have a look around your life right now. Ask yourself, are you happy? Are you sad? What is it that you can do right now to change your circumstances? What is it that you can do to improve your life? What is it that you can do to make everything easier, less stressful, less painful?
My mission for this year was to make everything easy. I wanted to take everything complex and simplify it. That was my work for this year.
And I can tell you that it’s made a massive difference to my stress levels, to how I show up, to how I will be because I do not want to be that person anymore.
I was so stressed about the little things. What happens in my life is my responsibility. But what happens outside of my life, I cannot control and I’m not going to get involved in all of that stuff anymore.
It makes no difference to me as long as within my circle, and everyone that I love is okay. That’s all that matters. Everything else is not my business.
Meditate on this, think about it. How you show up in your relationships is how you show up in your life. You are mirroring it, you are a reflection of how you feel on the inside. Your life is a reflection of how you feel on the inside.