When we were kids, our parents would tell us to do things not because we wanted, but because we were supposed to. They taught us to be aware of the other’s feelings, and that might be the reason why we continuously seek for approval. There is nothing wrong with being mindful of the otherness of who is next to us; the problem starts when others’ opinions affect our well-being. In this episode, I’ll explain why caring what others think can be a deep black hole.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

The way we grow putting others in front of us [00:01:00] 

People you might need to declutter [00:03:00] 

When our friends show their true colours [00:05:00] 

The unexpected best friends [00:07:00] 

Getting separated from the extended family [00:09:00] 

Losing more than just friends [00:11:00] 

You can still get along with your ex’s family [00:13:00] 

Links 

Episode #88 – Declutter Your Life With A Happy Divorce 

https://tanyasomerton.com/declutter-your-life-with-a-happy-divorce/

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hi there. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. This week, I wanted to talk to you about caring, what others think, and how it can just be an endless black hole. If you’re anything like me, you were brought up to learn that you have to worry about everyone else’s feelings. Come on, Tanya. Be a good girl. Share with your brother. Come on, Tanya, go and pick that up for your Nana. Come on, Tanya, go, and set the table. Now let’s be honest. Those three things are things that every loving family member should do. 

What happens when we get older and start going to kindergarten and high school and everything else? We think it’s essential to make sure that people like us.

To make the others like us, we do things for them that maybe we shouldn’t do, or really aren’t the right thing for us to do if we think about it. But when you care about what other people think. It actually starts to drill deep into your own identity. You worry about I’m not good enough. You worry about what your appearance is like.

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People will say something to you, and you take it to heart. Let’s be honest, people can be mean. 

I’ve learned recently, and when I say recently, I genuinely mean probably the last 12 months, that I now no longer care what people think about me. And part of it could also be this business, to be honest. When we do Facebook ads, some of the nasty,

evil things that people post fathom me. How anyone could say something to someone they don’t even know just shows the society that some people live in. But certain people, don’t get me wrong in our life, we want to protect no matter what. And it really does matter to us what they think, because we love and care about them.

And they are part of who we are, part of our identity, but then there are other people in our life that might say things to us that bring us down. And this indeed happens. When we’re going through a separation and on episode 87, I talked about decluttering your life. And part of your friendship group and the people around you can be other things you might declutter.

And I mean that most nicely. Over and over again, you’ve heard me talk about you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Have you got someone in your life that you got over and above for only to be dragged down? Or to be taken advantage of, or not listened to?

Because right now, with what you’re going through, it’s crucial to have excellent mates. You know, people that are there to listen. And listening is essential. To be honest, it’s more important to listen to someone than give advice because most of us know, deep down, what we need to do, and we just need to talk through our thoughts and emotions.

And then, eventually, we will come to our own outcomes. But if you’ve got a friend in your life or someone in your life, they turn the whole conversation around them when they ring. Even though right now, you were going through some of your darkest days, then that’s a problem. And you really need to look at that.

Do you have friends that make everything is about them? Right now, you are the most important thing, or you should be the most important thing. Every one of your friendship groups should be treating you in kick gloves. They should be sharing you with kindness. You should be rolled in cotton, wool, and protected because that’s what you need right now.

You need people around you that have your back. But here’s the thing. In many cases, when you’re getting a divorce, you really start to see the friends, the people that are your real friends. And I’ve often heard, and even my own experience has been that people thought were on my side. People have to pick sides, but the people I thought would have my back, didn’t. And the people I didn’t expect to have my back did. You have to vindicate yourself, that you have to prove that you’re strong enough to stand up for yourself, and you feel like you’ve got to share maybe some of your dirty laundries. And I’ve often read this on social media posts. And I don’t know whether it’s just these times we leaving right now, but people sharing their stories on Instagram and Facebook. Where they’re defending their decision or they’re making accusations about the other party just so they can feel better about themselves. But by venting your dirty laundry, it gets you nowhere.

And if anything, it makes you look back later on and go, Oh, I probably shouldn’t have done that. And I regret it. And even if you take it down, some people may have taken a screenshot of it or something else, it’s not worth it. 

I’m saying that if you’re frustrated and feel that there are people in your life who really don’t have your back, it will be hurtful. Because in many cases, not only have you lost your partner, you might end up losing a friend or a family member.

Last week, a client told me how her sister in law was not only her sister in law but her very best friend. And now she felt like not only did she lose her husband, but she lost her best friend. And sometimes the world works in mysterious ways. And it could just be that it was time for a refresh of your friends, or it could just be that if you talk or she talks to her sister in law in a way that this is not about anyone’s fault. No one is placing blame. Can we still be friends? Then you were putting the ball back in her court for her to make the decision. And you don’t need to so much worry about if you’ve done something wrong, because if it’s their choice or it’s the sister-in-law’s choice to no longer be friends with my client.

Then you’re not wearing the guilt. You didn’t decide to end the friendship. You’re still happy for there to be a friendship, but it allows you to move on as well. So it will enable you to keep going and find new friends, find other people that get to understand the new you because you’re going to change a lot.

Now, mark my words. You’re going to change a lot, the person that you are right now today, and the person you’re going to be in 12 months, 24 months, 48 months is going to probably chalk and cheese to who you are right now. 

I am yet to see a person who is the same person when they finish this process. Everyone evolves, everyone changes, everyone grows, and the same thing will happen to you.

And who’s to say you wouldn’t have outgrown those people that were in your life before. You don’t have the same interests. You don’t go out to the same places. You don’t have the same family groups or dinner parties that you used to have. So you have less in common with them.

And this is what I want you to discover. I’ve talked about this very regularly, as much as having someone else in your life is excellent. Happiness comes from the inside. And when you’re happy on the inside, people just are drawn to you drawn to that happiness.

It’s hard to bring along a friend that is not wanting to change. If your friend, don’t get me wrong, want to change and discover new things like you. How about the two of you be in a room of three other people? That’s just as important, but the question for you right now is, do you care what other people think?

And if you do care what other people think, how important is it for you that they stay in your life? But you remain sad or keep the person who builds them up when they need to build you up. Friendship is giving and taking, but at a time like this, when you just need, give, give, give. Because you only need it to know that everything’s going to be all right.

But then when they’re in a circumstance where they require you to be doing that back to them, you’re going to give it wholeheartedly. Then that’s true friendship, isn’t it? Isn’t that what everyone’s striving for? Where the person has your back, and you might be saying right now, but come on, Tanya, It’s not that easy. Not only am I losing some friends in my friendship group. I’m also losing my inlaws. I’m losing people that I’ve gone on holidays with, spent special occasions with. People that I’ve had critical moments in my life that have changed the person I am. And it’s true.

Those people will always be unique to you. You will always have a memory of those experiences. Still, unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that they will choose you over your ex-partner. It’s highly unlikely. And if you can get to a stage that the two of you are amicable. That you know, you are friends, and you can be part of your ex’s family, extended family, then that’s just wonderful. I know that that’s happened in my life with my brother in law. It was a pretty, pretty messy divorce on their side, but he regularly rings my mum. Whenever he has my nephew, they FaceTime Nana. 

And, um, you know, my brother in law is in the background and always talking to my mum and he loves my mom.

Like she is his mum, and it’s evident. And I’m blessed to think that even though there’s been a relationship bright, Dan, he still does to support my mum and my nephew. He’s just growing into the most fantastic person because he’s got two parents that really love him and have put his needs before their own.

That’s hard to do, and they’re doing a great job. Absolutely fantastic job, but it’s highly unlikely for that scenario to play out.

But if you’re able to do that because it’s not impossible, in that case, it’s certainly possible. Still, it takes two exceptional people to be able to make that happen. And if that’s what you want, just strive for it. Talk to your ex about it. Tell him or her that’s what I want to achieve, but what I have witnessed in many cases is that it’s just easier to leave a lot of it behind. It can be exceedingly hurtful, but it is slightly more accessible in some instances. So I suppose what I’m saying here is there are no rules. You can do whatever you want to do, but don’t allow people to suck out the best of you to take all of your energy, to make them feel better.

They need to be building you up. And the other thing is it’s improbable to go through a relationship breakout and not lose someone important. So just remember a new chapter is about to start new people come into your life. New friends, you might even have new inlaws at some stage, you’ll have new friends, have new acquaintances, and rebuild and your whole experience.

Your life will be everything you wanted to be, but you’ve got to go out and make it happen. Okay. My lovelies, I’ll talk to you next week.

 

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