What I Learnt from Online Dating

What I Learnt from Online Dating

Some years ago after my marriage break up and l was working at the airport, l realised it was time to start dating again, but l really didn’t want to go out to sleazy bars to meet the ‘man of my dreams’. For me, it wasn’t as easy as getting onto a dating website because l worked with some nasty individuals, who, if they had the chance would hurt me…and l am not kidding!

At the time the AFP had a risk assessment against me and my current situation, l had certain procedures l HAD to follow, in which to protect my safety. One of those conditions was NO social media because the individuals in question, could find out personal details and where l lived. As l was a single woman, l was always aware of my safety and those around me.

So what is a woman in my position to do??

 I went to my AFP liaison officer and explained my situation, l felt ready to get back into the game. It turned out which he explained that the AFP had recently done some work on internet dating websites, the person who use them and the ones which were legit and how best to get a positive outcome. So at this time the data had just come back, to say EHarmony had the best conversion rates and algorithms to match people’s criteria and a safe and secure platform.

The thing that was very important to the police at the time, was how my profile was written and the limited information l published for my safety, so they helped me write it up.

Using the information, they had recently collected on successful matchups and how to make a profile stand out and improve what they called conversion rates l learnt the following tips:

  • Make sure you talk about the things you want in a man that are achievable…let’s be honest our imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend is just that, he/she is not real.
  • Don’t whinge or complain about previous relationships, in any form.
  • Be truthful but don’t give too much away. As they say less is best! And make them want to contact you, to learn about the real you. Be alluring!
  • If you know the sort of partner you are looking for and the hobbies he would like, make sure to use photographs which show you doing those things or showing a side of adventure, eg; exploring or trying new things, which men like. The photographs with you looking like a supermodel are those that other women will look at and admire but men who are looking for a lifelong partner, see something different. This is the biggest mistake we women make with internet dating. My male protectors told me, males are turned off by being fully made up, makes you look like hard work and that you are self-important. You don’t want to look like someone that takes all day to get ready and the BIGGEST thing, you want to look like someone they will want to take home to meet their mum’s. We used photographs of me at the Grand prix and another holding up the president’s cup, (which is a golfing tournament). Now to be honest, l liked both of these events but not as much as a man would. I thought l had much better photographs but l was told they would attract the sort of man l was after. What did these photos say about me? Well, they were strategically chosen, they didn’t give to much away about the real me, yet showed that I like different sports. Now as we women know, men love their sport! BOOM.

Now if you are attracting the wrong men, take a look at the photographs you are displaying. If you are only getting losers or one night stands, what do your photos say about you? Are you holding alcohol and looking like a party girl, ask your self would you take me home to mum?

  • Always use positive words and don’t make your profile fluffy. Blokes don’t get it! What men say is what they mean, they don’t think like we do. Be direct in your writing.
  • Make sure when you start communicating that you actually communicate. Don’t just reply with one word answers, give a paragraph back. It lets them know you are interested in them and always ask questions. This then requires a reply and keeps the conversation going and note that this part of the internet dating process is just as important. It also shows you the sort of person you are communicating with and if they are worth your time and effort.

Now maybe l was lucky because not only did l have two police officers help me write my profile and pick my photos, they had also just spent twelve weeks investigating the dark side of internet dating and what not to do. They knew the way for me to get a response. Also, with age and experience the knowledge of what l wanted in a partner and to a bigger extent, what l didn’t want, was just as important. The younger ones out there, will still be learning this but it helps and is half the battle.

So, as you can gather, l am not one who follows conformity, so EHarmony has you go through different levels of matching and checklists before you can actually email each other. l knew straight away that the man on the other end of the keyboard was for me, the way he wrote and the words he used resonated with the person I was. I also knew that the longer it took for me to talk to him one on one the more women he would be also talking to and l needed to get rid of the competition. I therefore jumped all the different levels of internet dating and after three nights of communicating the EHarmony way, I started emailing him directly.

For me, my experience with internet dating was wonderful and the man at the end of the keyboard after only 3 days of communicating became my husband. Some might say l was just lucky but l like to think that the strategies the AFP taught me, minimalised what l would have added to my profile and certainly writing my profile from a male perspective helped. I encourage you to consider what you are looking for in a partner and note it down. This helps when doing your profile and helps with picking your photo… as they say in the corporate world, know your audience.

 I also used internet dating as an experience and it was the start of me really stepping outside of my comfort zone. Given way to NOW, how I live my life and the rewards l now see, really knowing what you want makes all the difference. The man of your dreams will not come knocking on your front door, you need to take the reins of your life and control your future. If you’re on the internet and things aren’t working look at it differently. Don’t be desperate because it shines through, make it like you are a needle in a haystack, which you are! If you have been considering joining, don’t hesitate, give it a try, what have you got to loose other than a night out and best case, marrying a wonderful man.

Good luck.

About the author:

Tanya Somerton Tanya Somerton is the ‘Divorce Angel’, whose business is to facilitate a seamless and amicable divorce and separation with the aid of her ‘Army of Angels.’ Tanya provides a step by step process which limits cost and conflict that sees you achieving your most financially beneficial outcome possible, now and for the future.

Tanya is also the Director of TLC Investment Group, a finance and mortgage company. She helps her clients budget and plan, rather than wondering if you can keep the family home. If you need help and support in this area, contact tanya@tlcinvestmentgroup.com.au for help and advice.

She is also the author of ‘The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering independence through Divorce’. If you are looking to prevent any mistakes and save money this book is a must. Purchase your copy here

What Divorce Lawyers Won’t Tell You

What Divorce Lawyers Won’t Tell You

If you’re thinking of getting a Divorce, chances are you assume that the next step is to look up a good lawyer to represent you. If that’s you, you may want to reconsider. Just because you’re getting a divorce, it doesn’t mean you need a lawyer right away, and in some cases, you may not need one at all. Your Divorce is unique to you, and you may or may not have realised that there are actions you can take to set yourself up for success. Here are some of the things your Divorce Lawyer will not tell you, but you should know or be aware of before you make an appointment with a lawyer.

  1. Each Divorce is different; no two divorces are the same.

A lot of people make the mistake of picking their lawyer based on referrals from others. Chances are your ‘divorced friend’ refers you to their lawyer and based on their outcome, you consider getting the same. It’s easy to understand why, but there are so many different factors, and just like DNA, your cells and circumstances are different. The fact that you have debts, asset values such as a family home or business, family needs, etc. means your situations are unique. You cannot predetermine your split (if its 50-50 or a 60-40) because someone else got that outcome.

  1. Time is money

Although at Divorce Angel, we work with lawyers who mostly work on fixed fee bases, in general, most lawyers charge by time increments. It may seem attractive to you, but being disorganized, or unaware of the process (which is usually is the case) can be costly. If 6 minute increments are how your lawyer charges then throughout your file, you will be paying for a large amount of unused time. Some examples of how your Divorce can blow out are; continually contacting your lawyer for answers, print outs, changes and inadvisably for therapy. In this case, the quicker you agree with your ex, the better for you. Which brings us to the next point.

  1. Maintain a divorce folder – You’ll have your share of homework

Your relationships’ history, documents, evidence and all necessary personal and joint financials need to be worked out and presented by you to your lawyer. This is called disclosure. Noting that most often Divorce Lawyers charge by time increments. If they continually follow you up for outstanding information or supporting documents then expect to pay lots of money. We often tell our clients to maintain a divorce file or folder (preferably digitally). This way, you will have every bit of information and paper at your fingertips. Being organised is critical. If you take responsibility not only will you be clearer of the outcome but this will save you money. No matter how tempting it would be to leave tasks for your lawyer, just know this will pay off for your sanity and pocket.

  1. Mediation can be enough

If you use mediation, you and your spouse can work with a neutral third party to negotiate essential areas of your Divorce. It can be a cost-effective method but be aware that you still may need to hire a lawyer to complete your orders.

  1. If you and your Spouse are amicable – You can save money

This is something a lawyer may not want you to know. If you and your spouse decided on an amicable outcome together, showing a level of respect, then the future would look brighter all round. This, however, can be difficult at times and communicate matters. Keeping in mind each other and the family’s best interest. If you do not have that much to divide among yourselves or already are in agreement to work together for your children’s benefit, then you can save on legal fees and even do your Divorce online or follow a step by step process we offer.

  1. Larger legal firms not necessarily result in best results while they certainly can result in high legal fees.

If you are not very worried about your cash, it doesn’t mean you have to settle for the most expensive or largest legal firm. Larger the firm the more overheads, more teams involved so chances are you end up paying more for something that can be done with way less effort. Large legal firms can get good outcomes, and we don’t deny it, but we often notice that more prominent the firm the longer it takes, and more it costs.

  1. They communicate very differently

Yes, legal words, norms and jargons and phrases can seem alien to you. What you should remember is to respect their terms in relation to communicating with another lawyer or colleagues. This is not a letter to your ‘ex’ and altering every draft or request to change a word is costly. Take the context of the message. If it meets the requirements, then that’s all that matters. If you try to alter bring in the emotional responses to the documents prepared by your lawyer, remember your changes cost you money.

  1. Lawyers are not your therapist

The most costly legal blunder divorce clients make, is when you ring your lawyer and have them act as your therapist or friend. Using the lawyer as the therapist is a bad idea and a very costly mistake. If you need a shoulder to cry on, make sure you get the help you require, either from your family, a professional therapist or a divorce source such as us. When it comes to your lawyer, stick to a list of written questions, and do not deviate. Also, remember your lawyer can not provide information on other aspects, e.g., mortgage, finances or therapy; you need to reach out to someone who can help you in this area. The wrong advice from the wrong person can cost not only financially, but it can cost your future and may bring you to an unnecessary breaking point, emotionally.

 

About the author:

Tanya Somerton Tanya Somerton is the ‘Divorce Angel’, whose business is to facilitate a seamless and amicable divorce and separation with the aid of her ‘Army of Angels.’ Tanya provides a step by step process which limits cost and conflict that sees you achieving your most financially beneficial outcome possible, now and for the future.

Tanya is also the Director of TLC Investment Group, a finance and mortgage company. She helps her clients budget and plan, rather than wondering if you can keep the family home. If you need help and support in this area, contact tanya@tlcinvestmentgroup.com.au for help and advice.

She is also the author of ‘The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering independence through Divorce’. If you are looking to prevent any mistakes and save money this book is a must. Purchase your copy here

The best way to overcome fear!

The best way to overcome fear

If we look way back into human evolution, fear is one of the main reasons why we are still here. The folks that listened to their instinct and prepared themselves for a possible/imminent threat are the ones that survived. The genes of those survivors are the ones we are carrying around inside us today, 

According to Charles Darwin, best known for his contributions to the science of evolution, fear is an ancient instinct that remained untouched by modern civilisation’.

Today, however, our survival fears are entirely different, and some may say unnecessary, yet in our minds evoke the same emotional response.

But, if fear is what drove humankind to the present days, helping us prevent all kinds of danger, what is now stopping us from achieving success?

Every day we overthink things, that could improve our lives. The question is, what are we most fearful of? We are afraid of what could happen if we fail, or in other words, what could happen if we don’t get the outcome we want. Sometimes when we are living in a toxic place, and our reality is physically, or emotionally painful, we will stay there, why? Fear has paralysed us.

Being afraid of the unknown is part of human nature, it is considered the fundamental fear. Nowadays, there is no need to worry about a giant predator trying to hunt us, but we will still avoid a dark alley on a cold night in winter. It’s called self-preservation.

Our minds would consider the change we are looking for in our lives as the more significant danger because we are unassured of a positive outcome. That is the reason why we often choose to stay in unfulfilling relationships, even if it is full of unhappiness. The Fear of leaving is bigger than staying and is stopping us from doing something about our situation. 

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” – William Allen White

It seems like a tricky situation. If I am not happy where I am and need to improve my life and happiness, I have to dive headfirst into the sea of the unknown. Which I have tried to avoid up until now because I am afraid of the consequences?

So, is it possible to overcome YOUR fear?

Yes, it is, my dear reader. And the good news is it takes only two steps. 

Step one is to stop seeing failure as a dead end.

Failure does not need to be negative. To fail is normal during any process. It doesn’t matter what kind of project we start, we will fail at something at some point, and it is okay. Failing is going to lead us to perfection. Thomas Edison described this perfectly when he said: “I failed my way to success.” Edison even had his life’s work burnt to the ground at one stage and called his son, during the blase to say ‘Go and tell your mother we can start again because our mistakes are all gone, and we can start a new.’ Life is full of lessons and also equilibrium. For every negative, there is a positive; we just need to be aware and grateful. 

The second step is a simple one, as well. It is taking action.

We need to put our thoughts aside and start doing. Paraphrasing one of the first thought leaders in history, Dale Carnegie, when we are inactive, we breed doubts and fear. Yet, when we are active, we produce confidence and courage. 

The process of doing generates an outcome, and stepping through fear is where you will find the most growth as a human being. One of my mentors said, ‘The instructions to your best possible life are on the outside of the box you live in, what are you doing to reach those details’. You may or may not have realised but right there in that one statement is the key to a better life. 

It is reasonable and understandable to be afraid of the unknown, and we cannot fight human nature. But we have all we need to succeed in us. All of us are capable of breeding confidence and courage and fail our way to success. 

How One Separated Couple Is Working Together During The Covid19 Crisis – Lockdown

How One Separated Couple Is Working Together During The Covid19 Crisis - Lockdown

Being a couple in the middle of a divorce is difficult at any time. The issues include having to share access to your children, the costs of running two households instead of one and the emotional decisions involved in moving forward. If life isn’t hard enough, and now the world is dealing with the consequences of Covid19. This crisis has already changed many lives. Concern and uncertainty around things like, employment, the duration of the virus, essential travel and what that means, easing stress on children, and so on.

What is a couple to do?  Being separated just adds another level of complexity for ex-couples. But desperate times calls for desperate yet much needed measures.

This is an example of how one couple have worked together and put their family needs first. Now we realise this may not be the answer for every couple but a suggest of how others are coping.

Robert and Jill were married for 12 years and have a seven-year-old son. Four months ago the couple separated and Robert moved out of the family home. The couple share custody of their son and are committed to his best interest.

Three weeks ago, they decide if the country went into lockdown there was too much uncertainty around access to their son and the risk was disheartening. ‘If the government lock us down like what has occurred to the people in Italy, one of us may not be able to see our son’ said Jill. ‘Then what if we loose our jobs, the expenses of running two household was stressing us out.’

Even though their separation has been difficult and communication tough, they decided that neither one of them, wanted to take the risk of not seeing their son for weeks leading to months. The uncertainty is too much at a moment like this. It feels like a game of Russian roulette and they are not prepared to miss out on seeing their son.

The couple has now moved back in together. It wasn’t an easy move but it was what was best for them. The thought that they could support each other What’s important is that, they pre planed and decided on how things are going to work out between them.

Jill has stayed in her room, Robert is in the spare room. Jill has the lounge room and Robert has converted the garage into a temporary ‘men’s shed’.

In regards to responsibility for their son, they have remained the same. Jill looks after him 50% of the time and Robert the other 50%. They spend time with their son just as they would if they were separated. The person who normally would care for him cooks his dinner and plays with him etc.

They take turns in using the kitchen.

They know that if one of them loose their job the other is there to support till the storm ends. They are showing an example of understanding and how kindness matters. You may have your differences, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you have to like the person to work with the person for your best interests.

This leads me to add in a few tips for anyone who may face a similar situation at home;

  • Try to compromise just like how you would be expected during your divorce process.
  • Keep your distance, and know each other’s weaknesses. This way you don’t fall into a trap of misery and eternal arguments. It gives you the space you wanted in the first place.
  • Look at the best interest of your children, they may need your company the most at this time.
  • Keep yourself occupied doing the things you love, your hobby at home, or chatting with your friends or working from home. You will not be burdened with time to check up on what your ex is up to.
  • Keep things organized and work on a schedule so that it doesn’t coincide with your ex partners’ and you both don’t put yourself in uncomfortable situations.
  • Take care of yourself, meditate and exercise so you are in a good mood.

When life throws you lemons, sometimes you just have to learn to make a lemonade. Till the waves die down and the storm ends, hang in there. Your stronger than you think.

Top Five Tips On How To Beat The Blues This Valentine’s Day

Top Five Tips On How To Beat The Blues This Valentine’s Day

Top Five Tips On How To Beat The Blues This Valentine’s Day

Let’s face it, Valentine’s day can be an emotional roller coaster for some, depending on your Facebook relationship status. Many argue it has been hijacked and commercialised by businesses to make money. Others argue it is a way of showing love, appreciation and respect for the one you love.  For those of us not in a relationship, it can highlight and ‘rub salt’ into the wound of failed affairs. The question is how can one day have so much influence over our emotions?

 While 5% of our conscious mind understands how ludicrous this seems, 95% of our subconscious mind is emotionally searching for ways to feel good about the whole situation. Therefore, no matter what you tell yourself, you still feel lousy. The feelings of loneliness, failure, and not being good enough are amplified even though I’m sure you already know this, but it is just another day and you are perfect just the way you are!

Sooner or later, we all realise that allowing someone else to have power over our happiness, is like driving a car from the back seat. You are powerless to control your destination. And you may or may not have already noticed but happy people don’t need others to feel good about themselves or their emotional state.

The reality is, if you find yourself in this situation on Valentine’s Day, you will need to work through your own feelings and emotions. No one can do that for you.  Here are my top five tips which hopefully will help.

Keep away from social media

 Do not stalk your ex on Facebook or Instagram hoping to see them sad and lonely. It’s not going to happen. Also, avoiding your feeds, which may compound the anxiety of seeing friends and family having a great time, while you lay on the couch. Research has proven that users have a distorted view of ‘friends’ lives because we interpret things differently. Comparing yourself to others has been proven to amplify negative feelings.  Your job right now is to feel great, not gloomy.

Why not pamper yourself?

Yes, go ahead and pamper yourself. After all, you know exactly what makes you happy. Use it to your advantage and redeem the offers, promotions to indulge on your needs. If you’ve got your ex a gift, return it and spend the money on yourself. Let this Valentine’s day be a day to LOVE YOURSELF.

Spend some time with your friends and family.

 They can always put a smile on your face and having a laugh is the best medicine. Not to mention how friendships reduce stress and boost happiness.  Life is to short to be by yourself why not have a night out, karaoke singalong, or belly laugh at the comedy festival. Like the well-known hit single by Cyndi Lauper state “Girls Just Want To Have Fun”, and so to the blokes, so just do it!

Read a book and get lost in it.

If you’re not an adrenaline junkie and you cherish your alone time, what more can I say than, I hear you. There is a time for everything.  Knowledge is a great superpower and no one can ever take it away from you. Why not read a biography of someone that inspires you, or learn something that will add value to your life.  Download an audiobook and a great resource I share with my clients is Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. Read the novels you love and get lost in their world so you don’t leave room for your mind to wander. This is your time, spend it wisely.

Start planning your future.

Studies have proven that long term goal setting does not work. But on the contrary, a 90-day plan can get you excited, especially because you start seeing momentum quickly.  There is nothing wrong with daydreaming about a better life but action will get you outcomes. Ask yourself, what do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in the near future and how can you achieve it?

And here is a bonus tip, If I told you the instructions for your life are on the outside of the box you live in, would you find a way to read them or stay locked inside?

Instead of worrying about others this Valentine’s Day why not show yourself a good time. Be kind, be caring, and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.  Happiness starts on the inside and it is the greatest gift you can give yourself, now and always.

When is the right time to leave my marriage?

Are you considering, when is the right time to leave my marriage? It is such a difficult question. The consequences are life-changing and scary. It’s not something you decide overnight. It’s usually something you have contemplated for years, weighing up the pros and cons. Researchers say the person who is choosing to leave the relationship has typically thought about it for up to two years. The greatest struggle of all is when you should be happy, and you aren’t. People looking in think you have a great life, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

It’s not like you wake up one-morning thinking, I’m out of here. These feelings have most probably kept you awake at night.

To leave takes a lot of courage. And research has shown up to five years to get back on your feet financially.  So it’s not something to be decided lightly.

I personally struggled with the decision for years. I had fallen out of love with my ex-husband and felt very unhappy. I didn’t dare to leave. Looking back now, the reasons that kept me in that relationship seemed massive at the time. My children, not letting others down, and I ultimately did not want to hurt him. He was a nice person.

When we marry our other halves, we do so with hopes, dreams and aspirations of a glorious future and hope it will last forever. So to say to someone you once loved, ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ ‘This relationship is over’ or ‘ I’m leaving’  is life-changing for everyone involved. The words don’t come easy. It’s not something that anyone does without a whole lot of soul-searching.

Left and right brain thinkers

We, as humans, make decisions differently. That’s what makes the world go round, right? There is the concept that our brains have two hemispheres which allow us to make decisions. While this continues to be debated by researchers and doctors. I have witnessed this first hand with a close friend having a massive stroke. Doctors said he would be a vegetable if he survived. After coming out of a comma, he amazed doctors. They later stated that because one side of his brain was more dominant and it was the opposite to most of us, he would live with the consequence but is still able to communicate and make his own decisions.

Left side thinkers are goal oriented people, well-organised and analytical. Rarely absent-minded and logical. I think the best way to describe them; they like to plan. Left side thinkers typically have careers such as Doctors, Lawyers, Financial Advisors and Project Managers.

Right side thinkers are more impulsive and emotional, yet they’re creative and quite artistic. They can be very intuitive and a touch psychic. They typically have careers in the arts, music and love the earth and stars.

Now if you are a left side thinker and considering leaving your marriage.

You will want to manage and plan as much as possible. Leaving little to chance. Probably have a spreadsheet, a budget and trying to answer as many questions as possible before even considering having a conversation with your partner.  A right side thinker is more likely to consider the emotions of the situation and how to mitigate the painful consequences for everyone. They will dream of a better life and believe things will turn out because they are a good person. Not because they have taken actions to get the outcome they want. The opposite can also be true if they have had enough of their unhappiness and one more argument will be enough to make them react, instead, then think and considering the long game.

By no means am l saying this is the only way we make decisions as there are many more factors to be considered, such as upbringing, environment etc. But having this insight may help. So do you know what side of the brain you use for decision making?  Now maybe start to use your other side to cover all ramifications being analytical and emotional.

What happens if you have no love left?

Sometimes you need to go through the motions and explore all possibilities, even if you know things won’t change. One of those options may be counselling, and you come to a decision together that the relationship is over. At least you will know you gave it one hundred percent.

On the other hand, you also know you tried everything possible to save your marriage. And can work together on a phased approach with the help and support of your counsellor. The therapist or counsellor can assist in mediating the pain and hurting felt on both sides, especially if communication is not great.

And this assists when you have a partner who you know will not accept the outcome.

Do you have a partner who will not take any responsibility or blame for the failure of the relationship? He/she will automatically put the blame back on you and say it’s all your fault.

If this is you, please know, it takes two people to have a happy relationship. Both people must take responsibility no matter how small, for happiness and the breakdown.

If you are living in this environment, it will be toxic; you will feel like swimming in Play-Doh. Moving your arms but getting nowhere! You will feel like you are fighting a losing battle. When you are in this type of relationship, you are usually the pleaser and do anything to keep the peace. This decision for you will be a long time coming.

When is the right time to leave my marriage?

When do you know that your relationship is no longer working and what are the signs to look out?

Lack of affection if you find yourself feeling unloved because your partner is no longer affectionate with you, there will be no emotional engagement. Do you know why they have withdrawn, or maybe this is you?  Many people who break up will say, ‘I fell out of love some time ago’.

So let’s be honest the minimum requirement for a successful relationship is emotional engagement and the willingness to discuss feelings and communicating at the highest level. Rather than just ignoring the elephant in the room. Did you know, this is how we develop knowledge about our partner’s needs and wants, and emotional engagement is also how we maintain our intimacy.

So making sure our partner’s needs are met, including our own are the minimum requirements for an intimate relationship.

Conflict Resolution

Are you at this stage in your relationship where you no longer even give a damn about winning an argument. Disagreeing is not worth the energy. Your relationship is at a critical stage where you don’t even care anymore.  You’ve given up?

These reactions show that you are removed from the relationship. Researcher, John Gottman, found a lack of communication is always what sinks a healthy marriage. Effective conflict resolution and healthy arguing build skills and communicating and shows a sign of respect for each other.

If you are no longer able to resolve differences without causing injury to your partner, then you have a problem. To either agree to disagree, we need to be able to get to the bottom of a problem and address what went wrong, instead of letting resentment build.

Sexually Attractive,

As stated in the Book Men Are from Mars and Women are from Venus, differences are highlighted between the Sexes. When one partner no longer finds their spouse sexually attractive, then this can kill a relationship. Over time we still need to find our partners sexually attractive, and sex both expresses and reinforces the emotional bridge between the two so when a couple hasn’t had sex in a long period it usually is a reliable indicator that the emotional disengagement is advancing steadily.

It is yet another indicator that bond is rapidly eroding if not already in a terminal state.

Increased focus outside of the marriage.

When you no longer feel like rushing home, to see your partner. There’s an emptiness in your marriage, and you find yourself feeling lonely in the same room as your spouse.

People start looking for other activities to make them happy or feel fulfilled. It can be taking up a new sport, joining a new community group, it could simply be doing more with the kids or staying back at work.

And then we have the most significant indicator.

Preparing for single life.

When people are content, they sometimes let themselves go. It’s not uncommon for spouses who are initiating, leaving a relationship to stop and consider their appearance. So, in other words,  lose weight. Botox and new clothes for women. Underwear for men; I’ve even heard stories of hair transplants for men.

They see these changes to increase their ability to start dating when their marriage is over.

Then there is the interest in refreshing or acquiring a career or even going back to school.

All of these indicators can show a person’s preparedness for a new beginning.

Understand the consequences, and I often get my clients to do an exercise. Reasons to stay in the marriage or reasons to leave. You need to have a minimum of 20 – 50 reasons under one of these statements. If they are even, you need to consider marriage counselling together as there is still hope for you to rebuild and maybe something else is going on in your life. Otherwise, you should have a list which will support your feelings and motives for the future.

When is the right time to leave my marriage, is a question only you can answer.  Listen to your stomach and trust yourself. You know, deep down in your soul if things are not right and will never be right. At a basic level, your needs must be addressed to sustain a happy relationship.  Consider counselling alone to help you with your decision making or if possible, together.

If you would like more information on this subject listen to my podcast when is the right time to leave your marriage

 

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