What are the right things to say and do to support your child?
Daddy has a new girlfriend!
Remember the feelings of anticipation and hope with that new life growing inside of you. You dreamt of being the perfect parent and having the ideal family. Then this tiny bundle was born, and your feelings made the world move slower, and your heart beat faster. This little person, your responsibility. While it was one of the hardest things, you have ever done, the reward was unspeakable. The love you felt had no bounds, and there is nothing you would not do to keep your child safe and secure.
Your parenting styles are different, but you worked together. With the same core values of bringing up a happy and healthy child. As a couple, even though your backgrounds were different and the way you were brought up, you found common ground. One the disciplinarian and the other fun, loving and playful. Your child was safe, feed and warm and growing into a lovely person.
Divorce is such a taboo word, how can you succeed after divorce?
In my dealings, there are 5 things confident women do to succeed after divorce and l want to share them with you. These things are continually discussed in conversation when positive people talk about their previous relationship. They are now rebuilding their lives with energy and gusto to get on with their exciting futures. These women feel empowered and grateful.
Saying l was divorced made me feel and think, l was a second-class citizen. I felt people looked at me differently like l was a failure. Women saw me as a disappointment and men looked at me as if l was damaged and must be hard to live with. This may have been in my head, but for some time, this was how I felt. I look back now and realise these were my issues and no one else’s.
However, dealing with the stresses and conflict that goes hand in hand with ending a relationship, can produce erroneous thoughts. Lucky for me, this was at the height of my breakup and didn’t continue for long. How l showed up in the world has to do with no one else but me! And l needed to change my way of thinking and acting.
Talking to other successful people who have survived divorce there seemed to be five traits they all had in common:
Michelle and her husband of 28 years have separated and have just settled on their financial agreement after dividing their investments. If you have read my book The Jelly Bean Jar, you would know l break divorces into three categories: A Your decision, B Partner’s decision, C Joint decision. Each of these categories has different connotations for the partners, involved, and that is why ‘no two divorces are the same.’ Depending on the class you fall into will depend on your emotional state. How long it takes to recover, and ultimately the team of professionals l engage to best deal with your circumstances. Ultimately this team with help to achieve your seamless outcome from your divorce journey.
Now getting back to Michelle, she falls into category B. Michelle had no idea, her husband was unhappy. She was ill prepared for the disaster her life was to become when he asked her for a divorce. The couple had worked hard all their life and had two adult children. Together they had acquired a property portfolio of four investment properties around Australia and owned their own home. They both have substantial superannuation and if they had stayed together retirement was only a few short years away. Feeling frantic about her future Michelle, found out some months later her husband had a new partner. The ex-husband remained in the family home, and she moved out and was renting a two bedroom unit. Her hopes, dreams and wishes for an enjoyable retirement out the window in four words….I want a divorce. Not to mention the reality of being alone and scared about what her future holds.
Over the last six months, my team and l have been working with Katie. Katie has lived in the same house with her husband for the past thirty years, and the couple has two adult daughters together. They have had a turbulent relationship, but like most of us, they continued to work through their ups and downs hoping for peace and memories of what brought them together to endure. Their connection, however, got to the point of no return with accusations coming from both sides. Until one day, Katie’s husband decided he had, had enough and wanted out. Such a massive decision after dedicating yourself to each other for three decades.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes a relationship we think is perfect can be anything but, for the couple involved. I never form any judgement on the people l work with; I just want to see them move on with dignity and pride and be empowered to find strength and the willingness to continue living with joy and happiness in their lives. Looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for the mistakes they have made, and then using that wisdom to preventing the same issues arising in other areas of their life. However, l have witnessed a trait which has worried me. A trait which can cloud people’s decision making. Having them react in a way, you would hope they could control however emotions take over, and their actions can have lasting effects on their futures.(more…)
This is about the story of Jane which I will describe as corporate to centrelink. This week I have been introduced to a lovely woman. A woman and mother. Who is caring, intelligent, articulate and smart. Who was completely unprepared for what has occurred in her life. Let’s call this woman Jane.
Jane could be any one of us.
She went to school and is highly educated. She had good jobs and was employed at a management level. Jane did contribute to society and to those around her. She got married to the man of her dreams and had children, from the outside everything looked NORMAL. Then one day after a marriage that lasted over two decades and Jane doing everything she thought NORMAL, things changed. Her husband wanted a divorce. Completely unprepared, Jane found herself in a situation she never expected.
The shock and stress were incredible, but she needed to continue for her children’s sake.
During her marriage, Jane had allowed her husband to control the finances and make the decisions on their MONEY. They lived a good life never wanting for anything as they were both well paid. But the decisions Jane’s husband was making were not in the best interest of the family or of Jane.
They rented, (and there is nothing wrong with renting if you put your money into investments like myself and many others do.) And from what l can understand lived a life of abundance. Now abundance can come in many forms, and I strive for abundance. But buying possessions which do not go up in value and are just filling a void is not a sound investment strategy. Spending money on eating out and entertainment when there is no money in the bank is ridiculous and dangerous.
Now let me be clear, this was not Jane’s doing. She was in a relationship whereby her husband had total control over the family finances and was later explained to Jane, she was financially abused.
Abuse in a relationship can come in many forms.
But ultimately it is all about control. How can you divide assets at the end of a relationship when there is none. I am sure she now looks back and can see the signs of controlling behaviours and wishes she had done things differently.
I am not here to judge just point out the facts. This scenario is not unfamiliar to me, or the Angels l work with. In a healthy relationship, decisions are discussed and agreed upon jointly.
You must plan for the future or otherwise you PLAN to fail.
It is as simple as that. Thinking that tomorrow will be all right but not putting any structures in place to protect your future is like driving your car in the dark and not putting on your headlights. A crash is bound to happen.
we MUST teach our daughters and granddaughters that finances are important
they must be our priority
we must we have financial literacy
we must have what a colleague and girlfriend calls ‘ A Freedom Fund.’
Why would you need ‘A Freedom Fund’, if you are in a happy, healthy relationship?
Easy, none of us knows what is around the next corner. It may never be used. But the sense of peace knowing that you have choices because of that fund can make such a difference at a difficult time. I have also seen this fund used when an unexpected life event has occurred. And let me be clear right now, this does not need to be a secret fund. You can tell your husband or partner all about it.
If your relationship is strong and healthy, he will be OK, because he knows it will never be needed. It could be called ‘the celebration fund’, and after your 70th birthday, and a successful marriage the money could be used for a once in a lifetime trip to celebrate your lifelong relationship. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Being prepared is not something you should shy away from or be worried about. None of us knows what our futures hold or how it may turn out. Sometimes, like Jane, you never expected to be where you are right now. Having always done the right thing yet life throws a curve ball you never saw coming.
Jane is currently dealing with life on government support. She is a courageous woman who now wants to stand up for all of those women in her situation. She has strength to keep going for her children, and hopefully, will get her through.
For me, while Jane tackles this ever growing issue of women in their late 40’s -50’s struggling to survive and living from day to day. I see that if we address the issue at the start of a relationship and help our daughters, maybe others can learn from Jane’s story and prevent the issues of poverty by being involved in our financial futures.
This is easy for me to say as l am not in a controlling relationship. But if the signs are there, you need to do something before it is too late. Think of Jane and her situation, have a conversation, and if you get shut down, this is a warning sign. Address your concerns before becoming homeless and living with depression I could never imagine.
I wish Jane all the best, and I am here to help any way possible. In this situation, if Jane wants our help, my business will look to find Jane employment and help get her back on her feet anyway possible. I have attached a Newspaper article about her current predicament and if you are reading this and are in a similar position, just know you are not alone.
About the author:
Tanya Somerton is the ‘Divorce Angel’, whose business is to facilitate a seamless and amicable divorce and separation with the aid of her ‘Army of Angels.’
Tanya provides a step by step process which limits cost and conflict that sees you achieving your most financially beneficial outcome possible, now and for the future.
Tanya is also the Director of TLC Investment Group, a finance and mortgage company. She helps her clients budget and plan, rather than wondering if you can keep the family home.