Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Divorce Angel Podcast. Today, I wanted to do a podcast on something that is close to my heart. It’s something that I see people struggle with every day in the job that I do and it’s important to understand that everyone has a choice. Everyone chose the person they married unless of course, you know, it was an arranged marriage, but let’s probably understand that majority of people, and we’re talking a very, very high majority of people, choose their partner.
You’ve chosen the person that you married and that choice has consequences and those consequences are either you’re happy or you’re unhappy. If you’re listening to this podcast, it’s probably because you’re unhappy and you’re looking for the answers to the questions. So you wouldn’t be listening [00:01:00] unless you actually had a problem in your relationship right now or you are going through a separation.
I work with quite a lot of people. I have a lot of conversations with people who either have already separated or thinking about separating or who’ve already spoken to a lawyer or working with a lawyer and aren’t sure about the direction it’s going and want me to provide a second opinion or my clients who I work one-on-one with or in my group program with you know, in a lot of cases, we’re always having conversations around choice.Now, I can’t answer anyone’s question because only you yourself knows the answer, but I get upset when people think that they don’t have a choice. This is where the whole victim mentality it comes in [00:02:00] from. If you think you have no choice, it’s very hard to make the right decision. The reason for that is because you feel that you’ve got nowhere to move and you can’t think clearly. In a lot of cases, we make decisions that are rash, that we come up with straightaway. In most cases, we come up with those decisions not because we thought through them but because of how we feel emotionally. If emotionally we are hurt or we feel like we are being attacked what we then do is we go back and attack just as the other person has done and this is a choice.We have a choice to say, “Yes or no. I’m going to behave that way.” or “Yes or no. I’m going to retaliate.” or “Yes or no. I’m going to go back even though my ex has been really nasty and mean.” [00:03:00] “I’m not going to be that person. I’m not going to lower myself to that level.” and because of that, when someone acts that way, in a lot of cases, you’ll see the partner actually calm down and think twice.So in the last week, I’ve had two experiences of people making choices. Let’s talk about the bad choices to start with. So one of my clients who has only been separated or going through a separation for roughly six weeks has probably been a little bit eager to really hurt her partner. Because of that, she’s probably made decisions and she’s replied to things not the way she should, have she may have acted in a way that [00:04:00] really is not okay, but this is where things start to get real because she can say to me, “No, that was not– That’s not fair. He backed me into a corner. I found myself here because of him. I no longer have this because of him. I no longer have that because of him.” Where, in fact, the decisions of why he has done what he is done, if she’s really honest with herself and looks back six weeks earlier, she started it and he’s just reacted. Now, without going into depth about the actual personal situation of this relationship, I’ve watched it play out and I’ve watched him retaliate and then her go back and retaliate even harder and then he would get more out of hand and [00:05:00] things just got nastier and nastier.Now, I would normally not work with a couple like this because these, and I’ve spoken about them before– In my book, I talk about there’s three different sorts of divorce categories. There’s A, where you’re the person that has decided to leave the relationship. There’s B, where you had no idea that your partner was unhappy and one day just comes home and says, “Unfortunately this isn’t working for me and I want a divorce.” and then there’s C, where neither party wants to take responsibility and I don’t normally work with C. Now, this couple is, without a shadow of a doubt, they are Cs. Well, that doesn’t sound very nice, does it? But they’re category C.They actually are both very, very similar human beings and because of that, they can’t see either– [00:06:00] They can’t see each other side. All they can see is the more hurt that they provide for each other, the better they feel, but that feeling of whatever it is, whether it’s exhilaration, whether it’s “Well, I got him or her back.” whatever it is, it lasts for such a short period of time. It’s just not worth it and we need to look at the big picture.What’s happened with this couple is, all of a sudden, there’s been this astronomical legal bill that showed up in the email and she’s just can’t believe the size of the legal bill. But the lawyers have acted on her advice. They’ve done what she’s instructed them to do. When we’ve had a conversation, I’ve said to her, “Are you sure you want to do this? Because the consequences will be–” and [00:07:00] she said, “Yes, yes, yes.” Now, all of a sudden, it’s out of control.This has been happening for six weeks and I’ll be honest, it’s not okay. I don’t like watching it. I don’t like being part of it. Today, she’s realized what a mistake she’s made. She sent a text message to her ex-husband and she’s gone, “This has got to stop because this is out of hand.” and he’s agreed. Within an afternoon, they have sorted this out. They’ve sorted it out because, all of a sudden, they’ve looked at the bigger picture.But it’s like when you’re going through it at that time, it’s the only way you know how to act because you’re just so hurt about what’s going on. You think that’s how you have to survive. But if I go back to choice, every decision that has been made [00:08:00] has been made because he and she have had a choice. I’ve talked about it before. Whether it’s a t-intersection or it’s a cross in the road, you get to sit there and you get to decide how you will react and do you want to react from a place of kindness and love, or do you want to react from a place of bitterness and hate. The place of bitterness and hate will cost you, my friends, will cost you a fortune. It has even greater consequences for your own mental state and it keeps you in this place of sadness and anger and it makes healing a lot harder.I’ve had another client who has, without a shadow of a doubt, had her world shifted upside down. She’s come from living in a lovely house [00:09:00] having everything that you could want to leaving the relationship because of domestic violence and pretty much couch surfing on her children’s couches and having family members providing money and it’s been it’s been dreadful for her. He’s hidden money. He’s sold assets. He’s even hired a shed to move more equipment into it so that she wouldn’t know. Luckily enough, we were able to find out. He’s been very manipulative and he’s been very nasty and all the rest of it.Yesterday, they sat down and had a round table discussion. Now, I spoke to her today and it is the first time, yesterday, that she has ever been on a train. She’s always driven everywhere and yesterday she decided to take a train. This woman is 60 years old and [00:10:00] made the choice to go on the train. She made the choice to go into the round table discussion with her lawyer by herself without some support because she said, “I think it’s time that I need to stand up.”She went into the round table discussion. In a lot of cases, when you have a round table discussion, you have the ability to sit in a different room and the lawyers will walk back and forth until they come up to an agreement. It’s not usual that everyone will sit around a table and look across the table like we see on TV. But when she was given the option, “Do you want to be in the same room or do you want to be in a separate room?” She decided that she would be in the same room because she said, “I have to stand up for my future.”She’s been to Hell and back. She really has and here she was with the courage of her convictions to sit in front of her ex-husband who has been very unkind to her, and she looked him in the eye. She had the [00:11:00] courage to stand up. When things were discussed that she did not think we’re right and when it comes to everything being finalized, his lawyer walked in and said to her– Shook her hand and said, “You have shown so much dignity today.” He said, “You have just been amazing.” and then he said to her, “Would you like to go and say goodbye?”Four five six months ago, she could not even think of being in the same room as him. She would shake like you would not believe at the thought of what he would do. She said, “Yes, I choose to be the bigger person. Yes, I’m going to go and say goodbye.” So she walked into the room where her ex-husband was and she said to him that she wished him the best of luck and she hoped that everything went okay.[00:12:00] Now this client chose to be the bigger person, even though everything for her has been dreadful. Her choices have been absolutely amazing. Today when I was talking to her, I could not be prouder of anyone at this particular time. She has grown into a woman that I know will be okay when this is all over with. She’s got her strength back. She’s been able to sit across the table from her ex-husband who, as I said, it was a domestic violence relationship. She’s looked him in the eye. She stood her ground. She’s got what she deserved and then she thanked him for his time and wished him well and left.How amazing is that? If you had to ask me– Even yesterday, would she do that? I probably would have [00:13:00] said no because I didn’t see it in her. I’ve worried about her strength and, certainly, her emotional strength because she has had to do it really hard for the last short period of time. But you’ve got two different scenarios right there and both of these women that I am talking about have both had choices. They both get to choose how they behave.The first woman certainly, in the end, came to what should have been the right decision and sometimes we just have to do things on our own path and get to the end goal whichever way. But when I think of these two women, the second woman, who certainly has really struggled, had low self-esteem, was by [00:14:00] far the bigger person when it came to her ex-husband yesterday. This other client who was client B, today, she made a choice to also be the bigger person. She contacted her ex-husband and said, “This is enough and let’s come to an agreement.” That’s what I’m trying to get across right now. If you’re going through a separation or you’re currently in the legal part of your negotiation, just remember that you have a choice and every decision you make has a consequence whether that be good or bad. You don’t have to make choices from a place of hate and anger and I’ve often said this. If there is a point where you need to make a decision and you are struggling with it, take a deep breath and before you go to bed, send it to [00:15:00] your subconscious mind. Ask your mind for the answer to the question to get you the best outcome possible. But don’t react straight away from emotions because emotions will always get you in trouble. Emotions will always have you say things that you’ll possibly regret and do things that can cost you a hell of a lot of money. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say to you because it’s really key. It’s really, really key to make sure that the decisions that you make today do not impact your tomorrow because they can be very costly.Okay, so if you’d like some help with your divorce and you would like to know more about working with me, we have some openings at the moment and you can contact me at tanyasomerton.com or go to my website www.tanyasomerton.com. [00:16:00] We are getting some absolutely great outcomes for our clients right now. If you really do need some help with your choices and your decisions, that’s what I’m here to do and to help you with.That’s it for this week, and I look forward to talking to you very soon. Bye for now.