Many of us are looking for a new life; we are looking to change everything around us, and for some reason, we can’t. One of those reasons might be the fear of the unknown, and it is understandable. Our brain’s main task is to keep us alive, and everything new looks dangerous; familiar environments feel safe, so our brain will try to keep us there as long as possible. 

In this episode, we will talk about how to discover a new side of ourselves. We will learn how important it is to let go of control to grow and thrive.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

How I started my journey of rediscovering myself [00:03:00] 

The different types of divorced people [00:06:00] 

What control can do to us [00:09:00]

About my curious nature and where it led me [00:12:00] 

One of my first dives. A life-changing experience [00:15:00] 

How losing control open all kind of doors to me [00:18:00] 

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been talking about taking your first steps outside of what used to be normal. Then, when you decide that things aren’t right in your life, you’re looking for the answers because it’s the searching that takes so long.

When you’re searching, sometimes you get given something in front of you, and you wonder, is this the right thing for me? Or how did I find myself here? Or why, why is this even being given to me? I don’t deserve it. And last week, we discussed rediscovering who you used to be. And I thought today, we talk about discovering a new side of yourself because it’s essential to understand or at least let go and allow things to happen.

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Cause I want to talk about today. Something that I was, oh, you, you hear about it? Something that I thought was the right thing to do. And now, looking back, I realized that it was part of my problem, but here’s the thing. It might be uncomfortable. It may make you feel uneasy, or it could be something you never really ever considered.

And what I’m talking about is. To discover a new side of yourself, like, think about it. You know, you could feel really, really uneasy because you might be happy with who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that because you know what? I don’t know if I was given a choice, you can be happy who you are right now, or you could still be satisfied where you are and get even better.

I dunno, I would want to continue to grow and evolve, but then that’s the journey online. I’m on this, this whole journey of trying to be the best person I can be. And I understood. Very very early on in my separation that there was so much out there. There were so many answers, but I had to go searching for them.

Like some of them would end up on my lap, and I had to realize that it was an opportunity, but in many cases, what I’ve found, especially over the last decade, is the answers have come. From me searching. So I had to actually start lifting up the rocks and looking underneath to find the clues to who it was that I was supposed to be.

Does that make sense? And it’s a problem, really, most people want a better life, but they’re too scared or frightened to take the steps required to achieve what a decent they’re looking for. And that’s even if they, they know what it is that they’re looking for, most people think that. But, you know, what I had in the past is the best that life could possibly be.

And how do I know this? I know this because I’ve spoken to hundreds and thousands of people who’ve gone through divorces, and I’ve heard them say this, I’ve heard them say this very thing. I’ve heard them say, oh, you know, my life’s. Never going to be any better. Like I’ve already experienced the best time of my life.

I’m too old. I can’t do it by myself, whatever it is that they’ve got, as let’s call it a hang-up. Now it’s just that I’m just using that to explain why they feel the way they do, but some people do have. These interpretations of themselves that may be the best has passed them by.

And if you’ve been listening long enough, you will have heard me describe how I categorize divorces in my book, the jelly bean jar. I talk about the three categories, but category B is a category where the person never. Ever expected, the relationship to break up category B is the person that.

Research says two to three years behind their partner category B, in my eyes, is the category that needs the most support throughout a relationship breakup because they are still connected. They still have some sort of, let’s say, skin in the game. They’re hoping that they can fix things because whether it’s at, they love their partner or them, they.

In their mind, believe that that’s as good as it can get that it’s never going to get any better than that. So you’ve probably been thinking that you know, the best of life is passed you and the future can’t be any better. If you’re category B. And why it’s because, and this might be a little bit hurtful, but I’m only doing it to help you.

If you’re category B, why do you feel this way? Well, the reason is that you were still living in the past; you have not yet thought about how beautiful and wonderful your future could be because you’re connected to the past. Now, if you can agree, I. And this is hard to hear if you’re category bay, but if you’re category I, what the research says is that you were prepared to leave your unhappiness or the lack of fulfilment you were getting in your relationship and prepared.

To just deal with it. And therefore, you’re openly looking for something else. Now you might not believe that it could be any better, but you were prepared to do whatever you can. To actually move forward in your life because category a, I haven’t explained this shit category a person that instigates the breakup of the relationship category.

A has thought about it for a very long period. Research says up to five years before they’ve actually instigated the conversation around, it’s time for us to go our separate ways. So category A has been removed from the relationship for up to two years before they have a chat with category B.

And I’m so sorry, explaining it this way, but I’m only doing it so you can get it in your head—the difference between category and category B. So category, I, they are prepared to leave their relationship, and they trust in themselves that. So whatever is going to happen in the future is better than staying where they are right now.

Now you are who you are. You are nothing more or nothing less. But last week, I said, fulfilment is inside of you. It’s your responsibility. And so is discovering who you are meant to be. So is finding the new side of yourself, of yourself. But control is what is keeping you stuck. So let me repeat that power keeps you stuck now at the start of the podcast; I said to you, I would explain to you probably this, which is where my suffering comes from.

And it might be where your suffering is coming from as well. Maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, but control is what keeps you stuck because control is a place that I lived in for many, many, many years. Control the kids control what we eat controlled, how clean my house was to the extent I’ve talked about this before I have a problem about leaving my house unless all of the scatter cushions are right on the couch.

Like they’ve all got to be in their place. I won’t leave. The hassle list of Bates might like ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous, because what’s the difference between whether I come home to a bed that’s made or a bed. That’s not mine. It’s just something inside me that I do because I feel I control my life.

I would control what was planted in my garden and where it was planted. I owned who our friends were, who we saw, who we didn’t know, you know, it just goes on and on and on, but you get it right. But control is also what bought me and done. And it might be heavy; what brought you undone to trying to be in control was tiring, trying to be in control.

I was really hiding my other issues and trying to be in control was ignoring what I really wanted. But once I let go of control, life became easy, but it’s actually, firstly, having the understanding that you were living that way because I didn’t realize that I needed so much control over what was going on.

Because of what happened when I let go of the control, I was no longer responsible. I was no longer accountable to enforce the rules, or I was no longer responsible for what went on around me. And when I let go of control, and I just made everything a little bit easier, I wasn’t so tense. I experienced new things.

I discovered that I was much stronger than I actually thought, and I didn’t need the control to be that strong. I found that this world had everything I needed, and it was all at my fingertips. I just had to ask for it. And I discovered that control kept me trapped in the past. And then, if you take anything away from this podcast, take that away.

I discovered that control kept me trapped in the past. And you might ask yourself, well, Tanya, how do I find out a new side of me? And it’s a great question. Everyone is different, but this is what I did. I stopped needing to know the answers because—the more solutions. I got the more questions I had. I love learning new things.

So I’m very interested. Put it that way. My husband often says to me, will you stop asking questions? Because naturally in my personality, I want to learn. But there’s a difference between wanting to learn and wanting to investigate. Hopefully, that makes sense because before, I was always looking to explore rather than to learn.

So it was endless; the more questions I would ask, the more answers I would get, but then the more questions I would have, and there’s nothing wrong with being inquisitive. But you just need to ask yourself, what are you being curious about? Cause it’s just an endless loop. And if it’s around control, it gets you nowhere.

It keeps you stuck. So I stopped trying to force an outcome, and I just let it be. I learned that things will always work out how they should; the best product will always happen to you. At the time, you might think this is painful. This is not right. I may be outside my comfort zone, and you may feel uneasy, but in the long run, you look back, and you go. Actually, you know what?

That was the best outcome at that moment. So for me, even though it didn’t feel like it was, think back to a time in your life where maybe at that time, something didn’t feel right. At that time, perhaps you lost a job, and then you got a better job a little while later. Maybe you didn’t get that house that you thought you wanted to buy or rings, but then you got a better place.

Okay. Death is something that often people, and it depends on what you believe. So have to be careful here, but recently, a very close friend of mine passed away. Cancer now I was devastated, but when people pass away, it’s usually the person that gets left behind that is destroyed. If you think about it, my dear friend, she’s now out of pain.

It was very, very quick from her diagnosis to when she passed away. And I will forever have beautiful memories of her. But when I think about where she’s at. She’s at peace. And that makes me feel at ease. But at the time, you know that I was devastated at that moment that she passed away. I was absolutely gutted, but it was the right thing at that moment for her; she’s done what she needed to do in this, in this world.

And she’s gone to something bigger or better, whatever it is that you believe. But that’s what I think. So that’s allowed me to get on with the loss and the grief of losing her.

Okay. As I said, when you’re open to not being in control, things just happen, experiences. They occur. I also learned that I would say yes to things that pushed me ultimately outside of my comfort zone. Now, last week in last week’s podcast, I said, you need to stop saying yes to things that you want to say no to, but this is different.

I said yes, to experiences that push me outside of my comfort zone because I wanted to. It was not for someone else, but for me, because they made me feel uneasy and wanted to experience what that easiness would do to how I thought. To push that control thing for me, because when you’re doing something that put you outside of your comfort zone, you had no control.

Right? For instance, I’ve talked before about one of my first dives with my husband: shark diving. Now there was nothing more than a rope that, you know, I was holding on to nothing more than a rope with all of these sharks being fed. And you could touch them. And, and people talk about great whites and things like that.

But my, my husband is a commercial diver and been a commercial diver for 25 OGs. He’s often said that one of the most dangerous shots is the bull shark, simply because you’ve got no idea what they’re going to do. And he’s had four occasions where they’ve, they’ve gone him. And so he, we were diving and.

With all these bull sharks and lemon sharks, there were no great whites, but all of these other sorts of sharks, and it was my second ever dive. I was so far pushed outside of my comfort zone. I had no control whatsoever, none zilch, nothing. But, you know, I did it. And it was at that moment that, that, especially that one moment.

Then I realized if I could do this, if I could be 25 meters with, I dunno, they would have been high, I suppose, maybe 11, 11, or 12 sharks all around me. So if I could do that, I could do anything. And when I came back up from that dive, I remember thinking to myself, holy cow, I’ve just done something that not many other people will ever, ever get to experience.

Okay. That then became the benchmark to what else I could try? What else could I do? And since then, I’ve been to seal colonies with my husband where not many people have ever banked and gone diving. We seal pup. So the memories are making would have been so far outside of my comfort zone three decades ago or two decades ago because I would never, ever have allowed myself to do them. After all, I would have wanted control, which is a consequence of not letting go of not just allowing new experiences. You don’t really understand the real you; people are limited by their beliefs, by their stories, by what other people tell them. But I’m proof that you can do whatever you want to do. My mum does not even swim. She’s so scared of water. So the thought of her daughter doing what I’ve done just seems. Unreal to her. But if I lived by the story that my mum doesn’t swim because she’s scared of water and then I didn’t swim because, well, that’s what mum’s always told me.

Then I would never, ever have got to experience what I have. So I’m just using this as an analogy. So you understand, on a big scale, big picture thinking.

If you’ve got no money right now, you can make money tomorrow. If you don’t have that person in your life, your forever person, you can find that person tomorrow. If you don’t have happiness right now, that is a choice that you are making, unless it is a medical condition. But if you’re not happy right now, You’re allowing that to control your life, where if you let go and we’re just excited because you can be satisfied because it’s your choice to be happy, then anything is possible.

So to discover a new side of yourself, my key here is to let go of control. Because control is what ironically is actually keeping you stuck.

Okay. My darling friends, I hope that you have a great week. If there’s anything we can do to help or support you, please send us an email or get onto my website www.tanyasomerton.com. And I look forward to talking to you again next week. Bye for now.

 

 

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