When we go through our divorce, we feel our life has been shattered to pieces. Life hit us with a hammer, and we see parts spread all over the place. Our family home, our family traditions, maybe our businesses, our feeling of safety, and everything seems to be reduced to tiny pieces. 

Divorce is definitely the end of many things in our lives but by no means is the end of our lives, it is very beginning. From rebuilding, repairing, and putting together those pieces, we start the new chapter of our lives.

In this episode, the Art of Kintsugi helps me explain how to heal from connection and not from perfection.

Let’s get into it

 

Timestamps:

The underlying message of these hundred episodes [00:02:00] 

The Japanese Art of Kintsugi [00:04:00]

Picking up the pieces of our life [00:06:00]

My intention towards my clients [00:08:00] 

The things I went through made me who I am [00:10:00] 

When we are sincere with ourselves [00:12:00] 

The real me [00:14:00]

Links 

The Art of Kintsugi

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hello, welcome to my hundredth episode. Can you believe it? 100 episodes. I am so grateful for everyone that listens, and I am so bliss to think that you might take one little piece of something that I say and implement it into your life or into your journey that can make such a difference and make your life easier.

And that’s, my friends is why I am so truly blessed to do what I do. These podcasts are a joy to me, you know? When I’m talking to someone, and they say, Oh, I found you through your podcast, or I’ve listened to hours and hours of your podcasts. And they’ve made such a difference.

I’ve had people ring up and say, I did it all myself, Tanya, you outlined what I needed to do. And I listened. And I went and did it, and I didn’t cause a war. I didn’t cause an argument. We sat down, and we had a conversation because we’ve got so much in common. Whether you think you have, or you haven’t, you have, because you’ve had a life together, you chose that person.

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And that’s the gift. And my purpose is to let you know that just because you are going through a separation or a divorce, It does not mean it’s the end. That’s my underlying messaging of each one of these one hundred podcasts, nothing is over. It is just the beginning. 

And because of that, I wanted to share with you on this hundredth episode, something incredibly special to me. I want to give you something from me that will help you truly understand the gifts of divorce. And I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous when I say it that way, but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. 

A very dear friend of mine who I helped get divorced.

He is very gifted and caring and crafty. And the week before Christmas, he turned up, and he said, Tan, I have a gift for you. So I proceeded to open this gift, and inside was the most fantastic bowl I have ever seen. 

But the exciting thing about the bowl is that it had been broken. And then joined back together with gold, and he put it in this spectacular frame. And then what he did. He put together a website for me explaining what this was all about. 

And it was so inspiring to me that what he was able to do. And it was very time-consuming I could see. And that was the value in the gift. The matter was not only the time and effort but the meaning behind it. And the reason I’m sharing it with you is the meaning behind it.

Is what I try and get across in each and every one of my episodes. So let me explain more. This art is the Japanese art of Kintsugi. Kint means golden, and Sugi means rejoining. So Kint-Sugi and what it is all about is it’s healing from connection, not perfection.

Ultimately, this means that when you are broken, you can be joined back together, and you can be stronger than you ever thought. Because that’s what happens with this beautiful, beautiful artwork. Once it is broken, it’s glued back together.

And then the gold on the broken pieces is the celebration of the journey. It’s what actually holds the ball back together. Once it’s been broken, that makes it look so beautiful. And that’s what I want to get across to you. If you feel like your life has been shattered, just sit with the areas of your life that you think have fallen apart and ask yourself what it makes me feel the way I do.

Why do I feel so uneasy about this? Because there’s something in that that you need to understand. And then when you pick all of the pieces of your life back together and let’s say you have all dyed before together, and then you use the beautiful gold paint to celebrate. What you’ve been through becomes a fantastic piece of art.

So please let me just read to you what he said to me in this gift. People are the same. 

Sometimes when everything we value and build up and care for over the years falls to pieces, we are better able to see opportunities and possibilities that would have never presented themselves. Had life not being torn to rags or standing and staring in the face of broken promises and broken dreams. Sometimes we discover that we were stronger than we ever imagined that we can withstand more than there is. And no reason to fear. Sometimes trauma brings us closer to God or our purpose in life or leaves us more appreciative than before and even happy.

And when we are betrayed by someone we’ve loved or taken advantage of, sometimes it is our trust and our faith in others that grow stronger. We look around at all the frames, and the acquaintances and these strangers that come rushing to our aid and our faith in human goodness are restored. Cherish your relationships, nurture them.

And that is just one part of what he tried to tell me. This was his experience of divorce. And he then says, bringing the fragmented part of ourselves back together, and then he put under that. 

And Tanya, that’s what you do for all of your clients and the people you work with. You are a craftswoman.

And that’s the thing. It was the most touching gift anyone could have given me because he’s seen something that the Japanese have done for many, many years and was able to illustrate to me what I do in a beautiful bowl and a gift. But this is not about me, it is about you. It is about what you are going through right now.

This is about that you have broken into pieces, but it does not mean that you cannot be merely beautiful again, that you can be joined back together with glue stronger than ever before. The power of the bowl now dropping and breaking in those same spots. Well, it can happen because it’s too substantial, and that’s the thing.

The mistakes are there for us to show everyone else. We won’t make those same mistakes again, you and I will not make those same mistakes also, because the pain of learning, what we’ve learned will stop us from ever going back there again. And that’s a gift that people who have not been through what you’ve been through will never understand.

Sometimes they look at us and think that we’re broken, but we’re not broken at all. We’re stronger. We are simply more potent than we ever were meant to be because life has smashed our lives. In some cases have been shattered. But to glue them back together and to be stronger than ever before. That’s the gift of divorce. 

And when you do it the right way, when you do it from a place of lessons and love and kindness and respect and history. Because it’s the history, which of the lines in the beautiful glass bowl, the gold parts of the most potent lines, huh? I look back, and I often say to people, I would not be who I am today.

If I hadn’t been through the sorrow of the past. If I hadn’t have had to deal with the things that I had to deal with. If I hadn’t experienced the pain, if I hadn’t stepped through the fear and got to the other side of it, I would actually never know how strong I am. I would have stayed small.

I would’ve stayed in my comfort zone. I would’ve put up with so much. And I would have put myself last, and you know, I continue to say this when you love yourself, and you put yourself first things happen, and it’s not being selfish. It’s not being greedy, nor weak; it’s none of those things.

When you love yourself. You can love more. You can love people around you more because you make better decisions. You make better choices because you know how important you are. You respect you, you have boundaries. And when you have boundaries, and you’re not living a lie. Because many of us, actually, not many of us, I would say the percentage is unbelievably high.

So many of us are living a lie. And what do I mean by that? We’re not happy, but we pretend that we are, we want to say something, but we don’t because we don’t want to cause conflict. Imagine being in a relationship where you can speak your truth, you are actually able to say to someone how you feel you’re even able to communicate your pain.

They are the most important relationships because that’s when you’re your true self. And when you are your true self, that’s what you were meant to be here for no longer pretending. But I said something essential in those three sentences because before you can speak your truth to someone else, you must tell your truth first to yourself. It’s taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but I notice now when I do not come from a place of truth when I do not speak my truth in my relationship, my throat closes up. It’s become how my body highlights to my brain that I need to say something, and I don’t need to cause a war or an argument.

If it comes from a loving place of me being able to display, this is how I feel. Then I’m being honest. And when I’m being honest, and I’m loving myself, and I’m putting myself and my feelings first, I’m living in integrity. And when I’m living in integrity, then so is my husband because he’s getting the best of me.

He’s getting the real me, not the pretend me that I used to be in my house, the relationship where I would hide. And I wouldn’t say what I felt because I didn’t want to cause a problem. My husband knows the real Tanya. He knows the Tanya I was meant to be the reason I was put here on this earth. And that’s the greatest gift I can give him.

And it’s the greatest gift I can give myself, but it’s taken me so long to learn this lesson. And it comes from the broken pieces of my bowl. It comes from being put back together. Just like the Japanese do with the Kintsugi. It is such beautiful art. 

When you were hit with a hammer, and your life’s pieces broke, rather than sweep them up and throw them in the bin, pick them up. Glue them back together, put some beautiful gold around them and make it a spectacular artwork. That’s the gift of divorce. The gift of divorce is you get to learn who you really are. Someone said to me once when you were at your lowest, that is the true you. That is the real you because we can pretend to be everything we want to be when things are going right in our life. But when things are not going how they should or how we expect them to be, that’s when we really see the real person underneath, I’m going to add into the show notes, the link. So you can watch how beautiful this is. I want you to understand the representation of this artwork and how what you’re going through can be a gift.

It can be a magnificent artwork.  

Go to the show notes and hit the link and watch the video, see what it means to put the bowl back together and understand how that is, what you are now doing. You may feel broken right now. But tomorrow you can start to put the pieces back to your life bit by bit. And then the journey itself, the things that you’re learning, they are the gold, literally the gold that holds you together.

It is pumping through you, the lessons of life that you would not have had unless you were going through what you’re going through. And dealing with what you’re dealing with right now. I hope with all of my heart that this makes perfect sense to you because I could not have illustrated it any better than this gift that I got from my dear friend.

And I want you to have this very same gift. Do yourself a favour, go on, watch the video in the show notes, and see what it means to become a beautiful piece of art. 

That the lessons you were learning right now are the greatest gift, the universe could give you because you’re going to come out the other side of this, wanting to know more about who you actually are.

You’re going to want to learn as much as you possibly can. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for listening week after week on my podcast. Thank you for making this worth my effort. And thank you for being broken and putting yourself back together because you and I together will make a difference in this world.

 

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