Being scared of the unknown is considered by science the fundamental fear. What triggers this fear, is the absence of information. For instance, the outcome of a decision we might make. This fear will keep us trapped in either an uncomfortable or unhealthy relationship.

In this episode of the Divorce Angel Podcast, we talk about how dangerous it is to be a hostage of the “FEAR of the unknown”, and how important it is to conquer it.

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps

The importance of putting a structure together. [00:01:00] 

What makes our minds decide to stay. [00:02:41] 

Do not live in unhappiness because those are the cards you have. [00:03:30] 

What you have will not define your happiness. [00:06:00]

There is a lot of life-changing knowledge we are not aware of their existence. [00:08:00]

Secret or hidden should not be scary but exciting. [00:10:00]

Do not be scared of losing everything. You can always start again. [00:12:00]

The unknown can be fulfilling. [00:13:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey everyone, welcome back to the divorce Angel Podcast. I am your host, Tanya Somerton. For those of you who don’t know me, I am the Divorce Angel. I have a program and it’s called “Five steps to a seamless divorce”. This program is something that I’ve put together over some time after journeying through a divorce and realizing that there is no structure involved whatsoever. Doesn’t matter what the lawyers tell you. There is a formality in these processes. 

0:54  

And this is the law that the lawyer needs to follow to get their part of the job done. But the case is there’s no one doing that when it comes to your life. And the most alarming thing is even though there’s one part of what you’re going through controlled by you, the rest of it is controlled by someone else. 

You need to put a structure in place and give the instructions to that person and make sure they know what you want or need out of your life. That’s why my program came about, and we’ve had some amazing results for our clients. 

It is important that if you are going through a divorce, whatever you do, put a plan in place and don’t let someone else control the outcome for you. 

1:59  

What I want to talk about this week is being scared of the unknown. I have a Facebook group. When you come into my Facebook group, I ask a question: What is your greatest struggle right now?

READ MORE

If I can understand what people are struggling with, I can put programs together, or find the information if I don’t have it, to help them because that’s my job. I’m here to help you get through your separation, divorce, relationship breakup, whatever it is that you’re facing. My job is to help you get through it.

2:41  

Recently, a few people who have come into the group said that they are scared of the unknown. Many people stay in unhappy relationships, in unhealthy relationships because it’s easier to stay where they are than going through the pain of getting out of it. 

So what happens with our mind is, it says: Okay, even though it could be better If we leave this relationship, at least we’ve got food in our belly, we’ve got a roof over our head.

If you’re a parent, it goes through a tick and flick shape of the kids going to school. The school fees are paid, they’re coming home, they’re going to this sporting activity. And whilst you and your partner might not be getting along, at least the kids are continuing their daily routine. 

3:45  

And sometimes that becomes the priority because if you leave, part of the greatest struggle is: Well, how do I keep that consistency in their life? How do I make sure that everything for them stays the same?

Sometimes we feel like, if I do this for myself, am I being selfish towards them. And this is the greatest fallacy. There’s even research on this, that it’s simply not true. 

The greatest gift we can give our children is showing them how to show up every day and be the best person they can be. How to show up every day and be a leader. 

Do not live in unhappiness because those are the cards you have. You need to throw the cards away and pick a new deck because living in an unhappy environment is not okay for our physical health, our mental health, and our emotional health. 

4:53  

I used to be this person. I lived in unhappiness for five years. It took me five years to get the courage to leave. I knew it wasn’t okay. I probably knew I’d fallen out of love, but I kept going around and going through the motions, waiting for, if you can imagine, a light bulb coming from the sky, hitting me, or slapping me and going: “Wake up, Tanya! This is not okay, wake up. When are you going to do something about your reality?”

When you’re living in a house that is one acre and a half, and you’ve got a tennis court, and you’ve got a pool, and you’ve got the two golden retrievers, and you’ve got the kids at the private school. What is not to be happy about? This is the struggle that I had. Why? 

6:00  

You have got everything that you could need, but you are not happy. I realized all of those things meant nothing. They mean nothing. 

All of those material things, looking back, they mean nothing. It took me a long time to realize that because once you have happiness, everything else starts to fall in place. You don’t need the material things. Look what I’ve got, look at where I live, look at what I drive, all those things mean nothing. 

If you’re happy, everything falls into place. You make better decisions, you meet better people, you have better conversations. 

7:02  

You have a heart that is full of love and singing all the time. I have a happy dance inside because I got rid of all of that crap. But before I got here, it took me a long time. 

How do you face something that you fear? In most cases, we need to reach a point of being uncomfortable. Like I said before, this light bulb comes down and hits you and says: When are you going to do something about this? And the pain of staying is worse than the pain of going, or the pain of the unknown. 

If I look at the word unknown, what does it mean? It means uncharted, unexplained, unfamiliar, unrecognized, secret, or hidden. How many times have we experienced something that we weren’t aware of before? 

8:07  

I wish I knew about this earlier. There are so many secret things, that if we knew about them, they would enlighten our life, but whether we’re prepared to look for it, or we just don’t want to see it because of how we’ve been brought up, or how our life has been going along, we don’t see them. 

It is like when you go to buy a new car, and you’ve picked your colour, and you’ve picked the model, and you think, oh, there’s not too many of them on the road. But once you’ve purchased it, you see them everywhere. It’s the same thing when we decide to leave our relationship. 

What I noticed is it all of a sudden everyone around me looked happy. I was saying all the time, all of these happy couples holding hands, walking through shopping centres, having beautiful experiences, kissing in the park. I noticed that everyone was happy, and that’s where I wanted to go. 

If I look at what the word fear means, is: false evidence appearing real. So how much are you worried about that you have no evidence or no reason to be worried? It’s something in you. Your body is trying to protect you saying, if you stay where you are right now, you know that you’re going to be fed, you know that you’re going to have a roof over your head. 

But what evidence do you have to say that if you take these steps, your life will not be better than what you’re experiencing? 

9:57  

I’m thinking that the words secret and hidden can be exciting. They don’t need to be scary. It could be the opposite. And I did a Facebook Live before, and I was talking about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Look, we’ve all heard about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s elusive, isn’t it? 

You know what is this so-called pot of gold? Will it answer all of our questions, will it fulfil all of our needs?

What if we never found it? What if, me being on a couch, my ex being on another, what if I got off that couch, and I go searching for this pot of gold? 

I never found the pot of gold. But it was so much better than sitting on the couch. At least I was out there doing something about my happiness. I was experiencing things that I wouldn’t if I stayed on that couch. And that’s how I think my life turned out. 

When I look back at it, I had no idea what was going to happen when I left. I was petrified. Because the thing is, when you lose everything, you must think, I’ve got nothing to lose. So because I’ve got nothing to lose, I’m prepared to make different decisions. 

11:30  

We’ve got the house and the business, and the cars and whatever we worry about, and we think, I can’t survive without all of those things. But when you’ve never lost anything, you don’t want to lose that benchmark you had. 

In other words, we always want more, we don’t want less. And if we’re so worried about losing what we’ve got, we make decisions to not lose it. And we think we need to have all of that. Because we can’t go backwards, but you can go backwards.

You can lose it all, and you can start again. But the lessons that you’ve learned and the experiences that you’ve had are enough to catapult you back up to that same level and keep building and moving on from there. 

There’s research that says that people that go through a divorce will take somewhere between two to five years to rebuild their life. 

Most of us going through a divorce, somewhere between our late 30s to 50s, at that stage we are making financial decisions, we’re thinking about retirement

And the thought of losing that and starting again can be fearful. The difference is today, we have medical breakthroughs that we might leave for a while longer, and you can sit and stay where you are. 

Or you can believe in yourself, you can believe that there’s something better on the other side of the unknown. 

13:13  

Don’t be scared of the unknown. The unknown can be fulfilling. It can give you joy and experiences that you’re not going to get by sitting on the couch. So ask yourself, how are you going to continue to live your life, either sitting on the couch or going to get off and gonna go and try and find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I’m here to tell you that the journey to find the pot of gold is a lot of fun. 

Now, I’m re-married, and my life has never been so good. I’ve made the life that I have right now. It is so different from my previous life.

I learned from the experiences of my 22-year marriage, and I am making sure that I have different experiences now.

I’m in control of my life, I’m in control of my decisions, and you are too. So you don’t have to stay where you are. You can be in control of your life and decide to do something different. You can decide to do something better, you can decide that fear, false evidence appearing real has nothing to do with you. That is false. 

14:52  

If you are feeling like this, a divorce roadmap is what I do to help my clients get through the unknown. When you’ve got a strategy in front of you and you see what are the next steps, you can then understand why you need to do what you need to do, and the unknown becomes familiar. Thanks for listening. Have a great day. 

 

 

Recent Episodes

Follow Us

About  |  Terms  |  Contact