Dealing with divorce might pull the darkest thoughts out of our minds. The result of being under so much pressure and stress could lead us to flirt with extreme ideas. Bad decisions, lousy counselling or even an honest mistake of a lawyer could make us feel that divorce has broken our spirit.

In this episode of the Divorce Angel Podcast, I share with you my best tips to avoid falling into this place.

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

We are dealing with a broken system [00:02:00]

How men and women detect red flags [00:04:00]

Why divorce take some men by surprise [00:06:00]

A goldmine for lawyers [00:08:00] 

Divorce Angel and the 80-20 rule [00:09:30]

How divorce can break someone’s spirit [00:10:30]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

The Jelly Bean Jar – Hard Copy

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

Divorce Roadmap

Transcription

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to this week’s podcast I am Tanya Somerton. I am sitting in the chair today and bringing this podcasts to you a little bit earlier than normal. I had a conversation today with a gentleman, and I want to get this message across. It touched a nerve in me. And I think it’s paramount that we all learn from his situation. Now the truth of the matter is, in a few months, he possibly might come on the podcast and explain his story. But in the meantime, I thought it imperative that I get some of it across to you guys right now. So over the week, I talked to a lot of people and discuss this situation. And I want to make a difference in people’s life. The whole way we go about divorce is so broken, it’s ridiculous.

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Yet it’s like we just hadn’t learned by the people that have gone before us and all of their mistakes. We continually go over and over again. 

2:00  

What we know isn’t working. We know the system’s broken to an extent that I’m in a Facebook group and one of a lovely friend of mine, who is a lawyer, has done a TED talk on lawyers, trying to fix this broken system rather than continuing working in it. Because as she explained, the thing with the law and especially Family Law, is that what happens? it’s all about winning. It’s all about who gets what. And if you hire a lawyer who has a massive ego, they don’t care about you. They just want to win, or they want to get an outcome that suits their interpretation of what you should get. And that’s why I suggest that you must do a divorce roadmap, or have a strategy. You must make sure that you have an understanding of what you want from your relationship. Because if you do not, you become part of someone else’s plan, and in this case, it will be the lawyer’s plan. Now, getting back to this person, we were having a chat, he was explaining to me the situation. And it’s funny because I’ve spoken to a few men this week. And I record stats, I record stats on how old people are, who’s decided to leave the marriage, whether it be the man or the woman, the ages of their children, how long they’ve been together, and things like that. The reason I take the stats is that I must look at the data because it tells the truth, it tells the stories and something I realized recently is that guys, in a lot of cases do not see it coming. 

4:09  

And why is that? Well, in my interpretation of what I’ve witnessed is that men and women show their love in different ways. Men like physical touch and sex. If they’re getting sex in their relationship, they think everything is okay, and there’s nothing wrong. On the other hand, women can just make love to their husbands, or do sex as an act and remove themselves from the date as such. For a woman, they want a different sort of connection. They want an emotional connection. They want to feel they are appreciated, that when they are tired, something is done to help and support them. They don’t care about the physical, they are more worried about the mental and the emotional connection. Now, this disconnect between men and women is evident in the data that I collect. And when I talk to men, when I say to them, tell me when you were last happy. One gentleman this week said oh, I remember when we went to such and such place and I’m thinking that was a year ago, two years ago, it was 10 years ago. He lived in a relationship for 10 years and finally, when his wife said she wanted a divorce, he was dumbfounded. Yet he can’t remember being happy for 10 years. 

5:53  

Men seem to be prepared to live in an unhappy relationship because it becomes their normal. All of a sudden the women get sick of it or they want more, whatever is the case, and then they leave, and men are shocked. So getting back to this man I’ve been talking to today, and by the way, a top fella. If you look at him from a masculine perspective, he built and runs a very lucrative business. He walked the Kokoda trail. He knows a lot of football players, and he’s had a lot to do with sports. He plays golf, and he does yoga, he looks after himself. He’s into his fitness, and he does yoga. Men that do yoga are into the chi and what’s going on around them. This guy, if you look from the outside, he’s got it all coming for him. He’s got beautiful kids, and everything’s pretty good, except for the fact his wife wanted a divorce and he did not see it coming. This guy has also been, I can’t remember whether is CEO or quite high up in a mental health organization after the death of a mate. And he said, this friend passed away and he knew at that stage when he committed suicide that he had to do more and help more. So he has donated his time to help other people with mental health issues and especially people that are suicidal. And today in our conversation, he said to me, I never thought I would get to that place yet here I am. He said, when you look from the outside in, I’ve ticked everything off my list. I’ve travelled the world. You know, I’ve got some beautiful boys. I’ve built a business. I’ve had a really good house, have had an amazing life. And yet here I am feeling suicidal because of what I’m going through in my divorce.

8:04  

And he’s been dealing with a lawyer, and his lawyer that he first employed said to him, you must be prepared to lose it all. And he said to his lawyer, hang on a minute, you’re working for me, that’s not good enough. And it’s gone on and on. And it turns out that he’s got some friends that are also lawyers. And those friends gave him this advice. They told him that the legal fraternity, especially when it comes to family law, is broken. And pretty much it’s a goldmine for the lawyers because the clients are very emotional. They can’t even deal with putting food on the table, let alone making a decision on what’s best for their future. And that’s why I must run this business. We are supporting our clients every minute of the day, we make sure they’ve got someone to rely on, someone to second guess their decisions and make sure that are the best options for them. Because when you’re in that disarray, it’s very hard to see, as I said to him, the wood from the trees. He has decided to sack his first lawyer, and he’s gone to a second lawyer. He knows that it’s not worth the fight. 

9:28  

And he knows that the only people that are benefiting from this at this particular stage are the lawyers. For months and months, whereas having gone back and forth and got no outcome. And I say to my clients, let’s see if we can get 80% of the way before we go to a lawyer. Let’s see if we can negotiate. If you know that 80-20 rule. Let’s see if we can negotiate most of it before we go to the lawyer. Because if we can do that, it’s gonna cut your legal bills, and the two of you are going to have more say and control over the outcome of the assets. But it’s even more than your assets. In this guy’s case, his mental health is rock bottom. And he had nowhere to go. Just put his hand out and asked me to contact him. So I did. 

I say to him, you know, you’re doing this wrong. You need to do something about this. It’s easy for someone to tell you what to do. But when you’re in it, you can’t get out of it. So I asked him, even though I can’t help him right now, because he’s nearly finished with the legal side of it. I said to him when you’re feeling better, would you please come on my podcast and share your story. He’s lost his family home. His business is suffering because of what he’s going through, and I don’t want that for anyone. It’s chaos. It is heartbreaking to listen to him talking about it. And I don’t want it for anyone. And there are so many ways we can manage it at the start that you don’t need to get to that situation. So it will be great when he’s feeling better. And hopefully, that is soon and I will touch base with him and make sure he’s okay. He’s not a paying client. I’m not gonna get anything out of it from him, but I have a duty of care to make sure he’s okay. And I have a duty of care to make sure that he’s heading in the right direction because money means nothing. What is important is his mental health and the future that he can provide for other people. He’s getting a gift out of this. He was previously helping people with mental health, and now he’s talking about suicide. 

12:00  

Now, when he talks to people that are suicidal, he’s gonna understand how they feel. He’s going to have a better understanding, and that is priceless. If he can then use what he’s learned to help someone else. 

Please don’t be in this position. Try to make sure that you do everything right. When you go to the lawyers, I babble on about these every week, go and have a plan. Do not allow them to lead you to where they want. Have a plan, know what you want and instruct them. You are paying the lawyers they are working for you. Do not go to a lawyer and sit there and think that you were interviewing them. You’re not interviewing them to find out information. You were interviewing them to see if they’re good enough to protect your future. And there’s a big difference.

13:03  

Alright, that’s it for this week. I hope someone out there has listened to this and has got something and taken it away because I don’t want to see anyone else in this position. Alright, bye for now.

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