It can happen in our relationships; we think we are free, but we are not. Perhaps we are not physically held by someone or something, yet still we are not supposed to or allowed to say or think certain things. Freedom is a key that opens infinite doors; it stimulates our creativity. We are free when we can chase our happiness. However, we might have to pay a price for it, and this is how the question that names today’s episode arises, how much are you prepared to pay for freedom?

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Do you have freedom in your life? [00:01:00] 

Be in control or controlled [00:03:00] 

A shiver in my spine [00:05:00] 

The reason why people have controlling behaviours [00:07:00] 

The cost to pay for freedom [00:09:00] 

For every action, there is a reaction [00:11:00] 

The value I offer my clients [00:13:00] 

Striving for freedom [00:15:00] 

The greatest gift I’ve given myself [00:17:00] 

Links 

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome to this week’s podcast. I want to talk about something today that I’m sure is something that you’re striving for. Because I know for sure it was something I longed for. I couldn’t actually put my finger on what it was. I’ve heard the word over and over again. And we fight for it in our communities, our societies and countries. It’s one of the most significant reasons that there are wars, and that is freedom. 

And I was wondering. Have you ever asked yourself, how much are you prepared to pay for freedom? 

Before you can ask yourself, how much are you prepared to pay for freedom? You need to contemplate a more profound question: do you have freedom in your life? 

Now, the reason this came about is with my clients I do an exercise. It’s around our common goals and values in life. And it’s strange because so many people think they understand or know their top values. But when we go through this exercise, and it’s amazing how, what they thought was important to them sometimes isn’t. And I’ve come to learn that one of my most outstanding values in life is freedom. And when I look back now, 22 years of marriage, I was controlled. And by no means I was held by being locked in, in a room, or controlled physically.

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When I think about it, some of the things that I wanted to develop or explore the decision was made. Whether that be jointly or independently with my ex-husband, that wasn’t something that we, putting commas around the “we”, we didn’t want to do. 

Many years later, I was standing in my backyard, and I realized that I had missed so many opportunities, and I wanted to explore them.

Now, the thing with a relationship is there are two people in a relationship. So we need to make sure that we’ve got the right values and we’re working towards common goals, and we choose those by our values. Now, if you and your ex or your current husband and wife do not have the same values, someone will start to control the other person. Whether that be the person that’s got the most significant power in the relationship. Someone could be bullying you or playing on your emotion, making you feel guilty. Or make you think that you’re doing something that you don’t want other people to believe that you’re doing. Even though you’re not doing it, you’re made to think that you are, and the ability to act, speak, think, and do as one once that’s really what we, we were all brought up to do. 

That’s why our ancestors went to war to be able to give us the ability to act, to say what we want to do to think the way we want to do. And go out and do what really makes us happy. But then we get into these relationships that become hard work. And they become toxic because one person is overpowering the other. Or before you know it, you start mirroring each other’s destructive behaviours.

And I put my hand up right here right now and say, this was one of my most significant learnings curves in my divorce. I didn’t see how I was mirroring my ex-husband’s destructive behaviour until, and I’ve talked about this before, on the podcast, my mum said I want the old Tanya back.

I used to be easy going. I used to be fun, but here I was, everything was too hard. Every conversation I had, I had to know the answer to, I was a person that I really didn’t like. 

A friend of mine, recently, was having a conversation with someone else, and he was relaying the conversation to me. I just got this shiver up my spine. And I did not like the person straight away. And when I really thought about why didn’t I like that person, I didn’t like that person because that person that he was talking about, she used to be me. When I look at where I was and where I am now, it’s chalk and cheese, because when you’re free, you don’t feel like you’re imprisoned or enslaved.

If you’re in a relationship or have been in a relationship where you didn’t have freedom where you could say what you wanted. Or where you couldn’t do what you wanted to do, or even just think the way that you wanted, then you are, or you have been imprisoned in your relationship.

Whilst freedom, in my interpretation, is the ability to pursue happiness. Because when you’ve got freedom, it leads you to have original thoughts. Your creativity comes shining through enhanced opportunities, they come to you because you’re feeling the best you possibly can.

And even with increased productivity, just overall higher quality of life. And back in the days, when I was married to my ex-husband, I never realized I never fully realized how controlled I was. And he would never, even if you’d say to him, did you control Tanya? He would say no. He wouldn’t have realized some of the things that he was doing. And the reason that he had controlling behaviours, it’s because it is the kind of person that lacks security. So they think if they can control someone else, they’re not going to leave them. They’re not going to feel wrong of them.

So it’s not like they’re doing it because they’re bad people. They’re doing it because they’ve got their own issues to address. But they haven’t understood or don’t realize that they have those problems. From that relationship, something else I’ve learned is that I can stand up. I can choose my words. It’s within me to be triggered by what someone else says. Someone might say something to me, and how I react or feel after they’ve said it, that’s my responsibility, not someone else’s. In many occasions, I hear people go into that victim mentality and say such and such said this to me, and it made me feel this way. That person who said that they’re either saying it because they want a reaction and know it’s going to hurt you. But just imagine if someone said something to you, and it was water off a duck’s back, you’re not going to react. They’re not going to get the response that they’re looking for. And that is true freedom.

And it’s taken me a long time to realize this because I felt like I needed to control situations and, looking back, there is no such thing as control. And when I learned that, that’s when I felt the most freedom in my life. 

So if we talk about what costs are involved with finding freedom, especially if you’re talking about a relationship. And if you’re listening to this podcast, the fact that you’re here means that you are looking for some form of information. Or some glimmer of hope or some nugget that you can take away to improve your life. And that’s why I share this stuff because today, you might hear something that can make a big difference to how you react or what you say, or how you negotiate with your partner.

If you’ve made the decision to leave and you are trying to reach that freedom, what is involved? What are the costs for you? Because there are a lot more than just money. You know, there’s things like selling assets. There’s the cost of time. There’s the cost of making the wrong decisions because you’re emotional. Not very long ago, I said, if someone triggers you or makes you angry or unhappy or sad, then you choose to have that reaction.

Because it’s like things that you haven’t dealt with previously in your life. It’s like muscle memory from your relationship. And I know this for sure because I’ve been where you are. And when I look back and think of the costs of the decisions I made when I was triggered or angry, they cost me a lot.

For every action, there’s a reaction. Still, the response we want is not one that’s going to cost us. Making a wrong decision, like sending a letter or going to the lawyer, before you know it, it started a war. We spoke about this at the start, when you’re fighting for freedom, we’ve seen it in history.

When we’re fighting for freedom, we go to war. We bet we don’t need to. It’s the biggest lesson that I’ve learned from this business. It doesn’t need to be a war, we choose to make it one. And that’s the difference. You still have the chance to stand up for yourself and put a line in the sand and say, I am not going to take this anymore.

I’m not going to allow you to control me. I can make my own decisions. But it’s how you choose to react that will get you through this quickly and effectively, or it will be like pulling an anchor through a sandy beach. It’s just going to be such hard work. And I don’t want that for you.

Why people need me is because they have a lack of knowledge. They allow them emotions to get the best of them. Therefore they get triggered or make decisions on those bad or negative emotions. And in a lot of cases, we make decisions from the place we are now, not the place we want to be in the future.

So if you think about it, how can you make a decision on the person you might be in five years when you’re not even there. You haven’t had those experiences to make those decisions of that person five years from now. But that’s the value that I bring to my clients is when they want to make a decision, I can show them the way and say, do you realize if this is what you want to do?

These are the consequences because, for every question, there is an array of answers, but the more answers you get, the more questions do you have. If you haven’t had the experience of knowing how the system works, what will happen? You can be taken down a very dark hole emotionally and financially. Even with COVID at the moment, we’re seeing so many people, that mental health is such a problem. And for a short time this year, I felt like that. And it reminded me of when I was going through my divorce, it reminded me of how lost and overwhelmed I was and how I was searching for the answers. But they didn’t seem to be anywhere. Well, I had those answers now for my clients. And I want you to make sure that you have someone like that in your life to keep you, let’s say vanilla. I want you to stay vanilla. I don’t want you to be in the red, or I want you to be in the black. I want you to be vanilla because when you make the decisions from that position. You’re not emotional in, either way, that’s when the freedom comes. And freedom is so important because you want to be able to think big and see your full potential. And by not having a plan, it’s hard to even envisage what freedom might be. And so many people don’t want to rock the boat. They don’t want to cause any problem, but if you want freedom, you’ve as we’ve said, you have to fight for freedom, get a fight for a better life.

And maybe fighting’s not the right word. Perhaps striving is the right word. So I’m wondering, have you ever asked yourself, how much are you prepared to pay for your freedom? How important is it to you, or have you even recognize that you have a lack of freedom in your life? Because I felt controlled. I must say when I look back, I felt like something wasn’t right.

But I didn’t fully understand the danger and damage it had done to how I would think about how I talk. How I would do things because I was worried about the consequences to my ex-partner, rather than what really truly made me happy. And I’m never going to be that person again. I can tell you right now, I now truly understand the value of freedom in my life.

And I understand that when I feel free, the opportunities just flow. I’m in sort of in a Zen position. I am happy no matter what, because I know I’ve got the freedom of choice. And even in my current marriage to say that I am free is an absolute true blessing. So, not only can I be free, but in a couple.

And that’s the greatest gift I’ve been able to give myself. When I look back, that’s the greatest lesson that I learned. So right now for you, the takeaway is really contemplating. Are you free? Are you free, or are you tied to the bills? Are you tied to the expectations? Are you tied to what everyone else thinks you should do?

Are you living in a house that you don’t really want to be? Still, you’re there because of other people’s expectations and interpretations of you and what should be happening in your life? I’m not saying you need to wipe our responsibility. I’m not saying that, but if you are responsible for someone else’s happiness and it’s costing you, your freedom, then you are imprisoned, my friend.

And that’s one of the most challenging realities for anyone to accept. But no one can break the chains of that impressive imprisonment except for you. But to do that, you got to understand where you want to go and truly understand the value of freedom in your life. Is a pretty heavy one today. Wasn’t it? It was pretty heavy.

Um, but some people don’t even understand that they didn’t have freedom. I have the right to come and go, as they want in their relationship, the right to spend money, they have the right to speak, but they really aren’t telling the truth.

Okay. My darling, I want you to have a great week, and I want you to know that I’m here for you. If you really do need some help and support booking for a 15-minute clarity call. It could be a simple 15-minute conversation with me that will allow you to understand you have the power to be and do whatever it is that you want to do. You might just need to understand the steps you need to take to get there. All right, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

 

 

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