Whether we are in the process of divorce or starting with our separation, communication is a crucial element that can influence the outcome we will get. That is why when we communicate with our ex or soon to be ex, especially in documented channels like text messages, emails, or letters, we need to stick to the facts and let our emotions aside.  

In this episode, I will discuss the importance of being mindful about what and how we communicate and how this ability can make you bulletproof.

Lets’ get into it:

 

Timestamps

The roles we play when getting into a relationship [00:03:00] 

A letter to the ex-partner that could’ve started a war [00:06:00] 

Keeping the communication sharp and short [00:09:00]

When the content is more prominent, there is more room for misinterpretation [00:11:00]

Links

 

Restore Me – Waiting List

https://www.tanyasomerton.com/RMWaitList

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

 

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

 

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Angel Podcast. For those of you who might be new to the podcast, my name’s Tanya Somerton, and I run a business called Divorce Angel. And my hope and wish for everyone going through a divorce are that it is as easy as humanly possible. And when I say humanly possible, I say that because we humans make things far more complicated than they really need to be. But we do it without understanding why. 

We should understand that what we’re doing right now is making our life so much harder. And the reason I bring this up today because I’ve had quite a few meetings with people that run successful businesses over the last few weeks.

We talked about

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what we teach our children and how we, as adults, struggle with our lives’ most emotional times. And it’s natural, isn’t it? Like, we’re just not taught how to handle our emotions. And if you think about it, as we’re going through school, we’re not taught the finer details of budgeting unless you’re doing an accounting degree or some higher learning about financial advising or something like that.

But let’s be honest, as kids aren’t taught how to budget, and then they go out into the big world and take out loans or get credit cards. And many of us might’ve done the same thing because I can talk from experience that early on in my life, I was a spender instead of a saver, or an investor would be how I would turn myself now. But the kids today struggle with all of that stuff. 

Then, as we go through our relationships or get into serious relationships, one party or another will take over being the budgeter or paying the bills in many cases. And we’ll also have someone in the relationship. 

And the reason I’m saying this is not to underestimate anyone’s skills in a relationship. It’s just sometimes how our behaviours, our traits, our beliefs, as stories, have got us to get into, let’s call it, the marriage dance. Like we marry someone, and before we know it, we take over these specific roles. Whether that be, and I’m not being sexist by any means. Still, you know, maybe the man takes over all of the gardening tools and the woman takes over the cleaning, not that that happens as it did 40 years ago, but I’m just using that as a metaphor to try and get you to understand what I’m trying to say.

So, we go into a relationship, and we move into these roles that we take on. Once we separate, it becomes tough for people who have never really looked after the accounts before or have never really instigated discussions. Because communication is such a big thing when we are in a relationship and in many cases, not being able to properly communicate can sometimes be the pitfalls of why we can’t fix our issues. Still, we then get out of the relationship, and we’re having to use all of our skills to communicate with someone.

That has heard us or who has said they no longer want to be married to us, or it may be us that sign. We no longer wish to be married to them, and communicating through that can be very difficult. So I wanted to explain to you today one of the critical things when dealing with your ex around specific points. I bring this to your attention because of a conversation I’ve had today with one of my clients. She’s already been to mediation and done all of the hard work for the children. There’s a perceived agreement in place on how the children will be looked after moving forward. Now it’s not written up in any parenting orders as yet. It’s just mediation. So it’s only a discussion with a mediator’s help to get to an outcome. Which is satisfactory at this particular time for the children.

So anyway, the father no longer wants to abide by what happened at mediation, no less than maybe it was about a month ago. So it wasn’t really that long ago. And it was under his instigation that she went to the mediation because we were just going to sort it out. And when we did the consent orders. For those of you who don’t know here in Australia, consent orders get written up to go into the family court to get stamped by the registrar or a judge to say, yes, all of these sit been written in these orders actually complies with the family law act. And it’s fair and reasonable for both parties.

So we were just gonna, you know, write them up and go shape with the ex-husband and his lawyer, but he wanted to go to mediation. So she went off to mediation, and she was quite willing to work at something suitable for both parties. 

Now, yesterday, when he had his conversation with the kids, he decided to say that he wanted to change a lot that had already been discussed.

Now, the kids aren’t aware of what’s going on behind the scenes. Obviously, the mother was distraught that he’d gone over and above what they’d agreed and wanted to organize some things with the kids that probably wasn’t suitable. So she was heartbroken. She was petrified, and she was terrified.

She said I thought we’d had some things in place that would protect the kids. And she wrote an email to go back to the husband, and she sent it through to me this morning and said, Tanya, could you just have a look over this and see what you think? Now, the reason I’m telling you this now is that we’re talking about communication, and we’re talking about finances.

When we are communicating with our ex, it’s effortless to see it as a way of putting all of the points that we want to get across into one email or one lot of correspondence. So in her email, it was written very, very well. She’d outline the facts from the mediation and what they’d agreed on and just said to him, you know, you’re stepping outside of what’s been agreed.

Not to mention, she then editing some other things that emotionally felt good for her. She was trying to get some of her stress and anxiety off-air chests. And she was trying to stand up for herself from behind the keyboard of a computer. And we all sometimes need to feel that we’ve got the strength to stand up for ourselves. Don’t we? So. I read it and thought to myself, it’s an excellent email. It really is. But by sending it through, by pressing send what she would’ve done, she would have started an argument because there was a lot of emotion in it. So when you’re communicating with your ex-partner or. If you’re not even at that stage just yet, this is just something to be really mindful of.

Don’t get into the emotional feelings. Part of it, stick to the facts, and the shorter and sharper the correspondence can be. It looks like you really just want to get to the points, and you’re not interested in getting to the dirty part of it. Because if she sends his email through, he’s going to interpret it or read it in a way that could backfire on her, which could mean he might say, no, I’ve had enough of this.

I don’t like how she’s written the email. I think I’m going to take this further, and I’m going to ask my lawyer to take her to court so I can have more access to the kids. Now we don’t want that, but that’s what happens when dealing with such an emotional time. People’s emotions are heightened, aren’t they? Now he agreed to these terms at the mediation. And obviously, something in the last few weeks has happened that’s changed his mind. Now we don’t know whether he may have had a fight because he has a new girlfriend. We don’t know whether he’s had a fight with his girlfriend. We don’t know whether he’s had a bad day at work or what’s happened in. He thought he may have been driving home and had an accident.

We don’t know. Or it could just merely be that he wants to take it out on his ex-wife that, you know, he’s not seeing his children like he thought he would. There’s so much more behind this. He’s not seeing them often, but you know, just trust me when I say there’s a reason for it.

So, we have a client that wants to communicate with their husband to protect her children. And she’s done it very, very well. So the key here is just to make sure in any correspondence, firstly, you stick to the facts. Don’t get into all of the emotions; don’t get into calling him or her names, don’t get into anything other than the high-level facts. And the shorter and sharper you can keep the correspondence, the better, because the more words in anything, the more that can be interpreted the wrong way.

So it’s like anything we do in this divorce area; it’s just easier to make sure we stick to the facts, and less is best. So writing war and peace is not going to get you anywhere, or at all; it is going to do is highlight critical points that maybe you never thought were an issue, and they will be brought to the surface because however, you say something can be interpreted entirely different by someone else?

So hopefully, that’s made sense. This is only a really quick short podcast today, but I thought we all needed to talk about and correspond with our ex-partners because it’s our responsibility to make sure that we hold our head high. We, we still 100% protect the children and defend ourselves.

But we do it respectfully, not only to us but also to us, but if you’ve got, um, you know, uh, emotions and. You’re really dealing with some issues. It’s better to talk to a professional about it and put it into an email because you could start a war, and no one wants that because you often hear me say for every action, there is a reaction.

And we don’t want that reaction to be something that’s going to cost you so much money when all it could have been was to just cut all of the emotion out of the correspondence. Keep it short and sharp and to the point and as much evidence as possible. And that that’s the key to really getting through this time of your life.

All right. That’s it for this week. And I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye. For now.

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