The decision of leaving your relationship could take months to make it. Even when preceded by hours of thinking, planning, and lots of chats with the closest people, it can go wrong. 

Setting the scene, practising your speech, and being mindful about the words we use are the most effective advice I can give when you are approaching this very delicate task. Listen to the full podcast for all the tips that can help you step in the right direction.

I’ve also put together a video series and a downloadable workbook for this special episode of Divorce Angel podcast. I invite you to watch the videos and download the workbooks which are free of charge. The link is given below.  

Let’s get into it

Timestamps 

Relationships pushed to the extremes during quarantine [00:01:30]

First tip: Set the scene [00:03:30]

Consider your stance [00:04:30] 

Tip two: Practice your speech [00:06:00]

Third tip: Mind your words [00:07:30]

Watch your tone [00:09:00]

The importance of silence [00:12:00]

What people hear [00:15:00]

Final tip: The consequences of what was said [00:17:30]

Links

Workbook & Video Series – How To Tell Your Partner, You No Longer Want To Be Married :

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1008391/?action=signup

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

 

Transcription

Hi, everyone. Well, what can we say? What a few weeks it’s been. It doesn’t matter where we live in the world at the moment. Things seem to be out of control. We’re doing everything as a society, and hopefully, you’re doing your bit by staying at home. We will do what we need to do, to control this virus. It will be certainly a time in most of our lives that we’ve never seen a pandemic like we’re seeing right now. And all I want to say is, I don’t know from where you’re listening, in what part of the world, but I send all of my love, my best wishes to you and your family, and hope that you are okay, and you are dealing with this as best you possibly can. A consequence of this, though, will be a lot of relationships are going to be pushed to the extremes. A lot of relationships are going to find those things that they thought that they can cover up or hide, are now going to be warts on the nose.

2:02  

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It’s not going to be able to be hidden because relationships, unfortunately, are gonna be under so much stress. It’s understandable because as a society we are under so much stress at the moment, and even being locked away, where we’ve got all these lockdown rules, which have seemed to be happening on them in the majority of the world. We have to spend time with the people in our homes, and it’s gonna cause conflict. There’s no doubt about it. 

In this podcast, I wanted to talk about the best way to tell your partner that you no longer want to be married. A lot of what I’m going to go over here, it might not be happening while we’re in locked in, and it’s best not to happen right now. Now, it’s best for you if you do think that your marriage is not going to last because of what’s happening and you will want something else. I want you to contemplate the consequences of that. And what we’ve done as a team, we’ve put together a video series to help people at this time because it’s frightening. 

3:23  

But before I go into the video series, and when where you can find it, I just want to give you some tips and techniques to try and help you have the conversation with your partner. 

How to leave your marriage the right way? The first part is setting the scene. And what we want to do when we’re doing this is we want to make sure that you’re not doing it in a public place. You’re not doing it in front of the children, you want to be sure that it is only you and your spouse or your partner, somewhere quiet. Somewhere where you’ve got time to have a real discussion about your future. You want to choose a location that is quiet and private. You don’t want the TV on. You don’t want to be out for dinner. Not that that would be happening right now. But you don’t want to be in a restaurant where maybe the table next to you is full of people having a really good night, and you are about to say to your partner, I don’t want to be married anymore. Can you imagine the difference between them thinking that everything possibly might be for fun, and all of a sudden it turns into this horror and nightmare? The difference between the two will cause them to have that memory for a very long time. 

4:50  

You want to also consider your stance and where you are going to sit when you start this conversation. Is it going to be around the lounge seats, is it going to be across the kitchen table. But the last thing I want to see is someone yelling from the top of the stairs because it’s not gonna get you anywhere. And if you think about the bigger picture, the bigger picture is trying to find whatever it is that you’re searching for to make you happy. And whilst you might be feeling utterly exhausted, ready to blow like a volcano, doing it this way, is going to have long term ramifications. You want to have thought through this, and you want to make sure it’s what you want to do. 

You need to consider the time of day, which day of the week and your location. But if there’s a certain time where the kids are not running around, or, there might be a day of the week where your partner will work from home, or you can come home and you know that you’re going to be able to have a chat and not have any disruptions, that might be the time that you want to contemplate this. That’s pretty much step one. 

The next part is practising your speech. And I do this quite often with my clients. And we will workshop and one of us will take on the role of the partner, as we try and practice the speech because I can promise you, whatever you think is going to happen, it probably won’t.

6:30  

So when you practice your speech, it might be along the lines of we need to talk. I feel that our relationship is not working. Before you went away on the weekend, you said to me, that you couldn’t keep living like this. 

And there’ll be things that your partner has said to you that you will be able to use when you start to have this talk with them. And what you need to do is when you’re practising your speech, look at yourself in the mirror and imagine that you’re talking to your partner. Or you might have a friend or someone that could take on the role of your spouse, that you can practice what you might be going to say to them. Because that’s important. And I can tell you that my clients when we practice a speech, they’ve got more confidence. They feel like they know what they need to say, and they can go about it because they’ve practised it a few times over in their head. 

The next part is the words you should and should not use. Does your partner have certain words that he or she reacts to? Are there words that you know, for instance, if you say them, you will antagonize them and get some form of response. This is not the time that you want to use those words. What you want to try and do is at this particular stage, when you’re having this conversation, that they will remember it the most, is using words like we, us, together. And the reason is if you come from that position rather than me, or I, or you, it means that you’re not pushing blame onto the other. It means you’re trying to say, this isn’t working for us, we need to consider our future.

8:38  

When you use words like that, it looks like you’re going to tackle this from a team position. It’s not like you’re saying, It’s all your fault. You could also say things like, if we were honest with each other, this relationship hasn’t been loving for a long time, or, I’m not prepared to leave an average life as flatmates. We need to find our happiness. 

Can you see what I’m doing? What I’m trying to do is make it look like you guys are both in this together, and it’s not working for either party.

9:24  

Look, whether you feel like this or not, and you do think your partner has a lot of blame to take for the downfall of your relationship. I completely understand that. And if you want to, you can certainly tackle it from that position. But what I’ve witnessed and seen is the people that have spoken to their partners this way have got a much better outcome. You have to look at this from a position of not being selfish, from a position of what’s best for everyone. And it’s at that stage where they need to look at the situation. And I can’t just simply say, oh, but I’ll do this. 

During the speech, there are a few other things that you need to do. You need to be respectful whenever possible.

There’s no doubt that things will get emotional. But if you can continue to try and just stay at the same monotone. When you’re talking, you don’t want to be raising your voice or yelling, or things like that. You want to try and keep the same monotone in your voice. Why? Because that shows that you’ve thought through the process, and you’re trying to calm it down. So when they try to get a reaction, if you don’t give a reaction, they will see that you’ve thought about this. And they’ll think, I’m not getting anywhere, there’s very little I can do.

11:12  

You want to take a deep breath before you speak. The greatest tool that we have is to slow down in our talk and our conversation, and just take it slowly. And one of the greatest tools that I teach my clients is when they’re talking to their partner about leaving is just to allow there to be silence. Because when there is silence, someone needs to feel the void. Your partner might continue to talk and maybe say things getting them off their chest, or what they’re going to do is understand that there’s little they can do to try and talk to you ramped.

12:02  

When there is silence, it also means that you’re contemplating what is going on. You’re not just quickly rushing to fill the void. When people learn sales, they learn to create silences, because that’s allowing the other person’s brain to think through things. And the other part of that is, most of us, hate it, and we want to feel it. And because we want to feel it, we say things. So silence is a key. 

So I’ve already spoken about not raising your voice and trying to stay at the same monotone and volume. This shows restraint and consideration, rather than just off the cuff emotional responses.

12:56  

Something else is to consider what your partner is going through when you’re telling this. So put the shoe on the other foot and just ask yourself, how would they be feeling? And it’s not gonna be easy, it’s gonna be quite difficult, and I’m sure you’re gonna do a wonderful job and be respectful. But always just consider what it is that they’re going through as well.

13:25  

Something that I learned long ago, when you ask a question and you’ve allowed for silence, and you’re waiting for your partner to respond, go back and say to them, do you understand what I’ve just asked? Or do you understand what I’ve just said? The reason is this is such a great tool. 

How do our minds work at a time like these? If you imagine, let’s say you said 100 words in a paragraph, and you’ve told them how you feel and why you’re making this decision, they’re not gonna hear a hundred words that you’ve said, all they’re going to hear is a few keywords. And the keywords that they’ve heard, will either have an emotional response or a negative response. 

People don’t often hear the good things that you say, they only hear the bad. For instance, if your boss was telling you that you were going to lose your job. There’s a method called the bathtub method. And it’s like, you start very positive and you tell the person, you’re very good at what you do. I think you’re excellent. You’ve achieved some really good results. That’s the top of the bath, and then you go into the negative and whatever is going wrong, and then you bring them back up the other side, and you finish on a positive.

15:07  

People don’t hear the positive, they only hear the negative in the middle. So for instance, if you were to say to your ex-partner or your husband or wife, I love our life together. But there’s something that’s just not right at the moment for me. I’ve tried to work through everything, but I just can’t see how we as a couple can move on from this. What you’re doing is you’re outlining your thought and why you’ve come to this decision. Now, all they might hear in that sentence is we just can’t go on like this, even though you’ve tried to outline everything else. So the key is to go back and ask them, can you repeat what I said? 

Because in emotional times like this, by them repeating what you said themselves, reiterating everything is important. You might ask why this is important? And it might not mean a lot to some people, but it can to others. The reason that someone needs to repeat what you’re saying, is because, in their mind, it is then sunk in. And it also means that I can’t go around and say to other people, oh, she said this or he said that or whatever, because actually, that’s not what you said. 

You have reiterated why the decisions have been made. And that could have a great outcome on how they talk about you. Not that it matters because whatever someone says about you, that’s their issue, not yours, but it helps you to understand that they completely got what you said. It’s good also with children, asking them to just go over what they’ve been told.

17:01  

There are other things when you’re doing your speech, there’ll be certain things that your partner has always said to you, such as we just leave like housemates. They will be getting across to your problems that they’ve seen in a relationship for a wall. I want you to use those words when you talk to them back to them. You’re coming from their point of view, and you’re saying, you’ve recently said, we just aren’t getting along. You’ve recently said things just seem to be so hard. You’ve recently said, whatever they’ve said. And then you say, I agree, what do you think we should do? So you’re asking them to be part of the solution as well. 

The last part of this is the consequences of what you guys are going to talk about. Where are you going to sleep after you’ve had this talk? Who’s gonna leave? When will you be telling your family and your kids, and to do that? Is there any chance to reconcile? And have you thought about, just in case, it doesn’t go how you planned? Your partner says, can we just give it another go? And that happened to me. But I had to talk to my husband. He said, could we just give it another try? Could we just give it another month and we’ll try and do this and let’s work on that? And sometimes you just have to be your peace of mind. 

18:27  

Even though deep in my soul, I knew it was never gonna work. I felt like I had to do what was right for everyone else. And I gave it another month. It didn’t work. And then we had to have another talk a bit later, and sometimes you just prolonging the inevitable, which is my advice. But sometimes you need to do it as well. You know, you have to make that choice at that stage. No one can do that for you. And then, how are you going to pay the bills? Do you need to sell the house? What about your business?

19:00  

The list of consequences from a chat like this go on and on. It’s not going to be a comfortable conversation, but you want to do it from a place of kindness and respect if you possibly can. Now, I do this when I’m working with clients, and as I said, we will workshop it and I might throw in a curly one here and there just to see how they might react. What you’ve got to understand, it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. What they say and what they do is up to them, how they react is up to them, but how you say it is your responsibility, how you react is your responsibility. 

To help you guys out a little bit, because we seem to be doing this quite a lot recently, I’ve put together a video series. You can go to my website, which is www.tanyasomerton.com, and if you’re about to go through these, to help you understand the steps that you should take and just to make it a little bit clearer. 

Go to the website, click on programs, go to the Action Center, and under the Action Center, which is a free resource where I give away ebooks, go straight up into that portal. 

20:33  

You can download the video series and the workbook, and work through the steps that you have to do to think clearly about having this conversation with your partner. We will put the information and a link in the show notes and, you can also get it on Apple and Stitcher and wherever you find us. But go and review that video series and hopefully helps you think clearly, and get your mind around this life-changing conversation. I appreciate you. I love you. I’m sending you nothing but kindness and best wishes. And hopefully, we as a society will get stronger, and humanity will become a bit of place when this is all over because we will have learned some really good lessons not only for ourselves but for us as a whole. I’ll talk to you all later. Bye for now.

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