You are so important. Often we forget this when trouble strikes! When things seem to go wrong and you loose control of what was perfect, regrets, confusion, guilt and sadness fills you and eats your thoughts.  Remember, feelings of overwhelm and darkness will fade with time. Consider the good you have in your life right now and things will improve. It will just take time and patience.
The key with a really successful divorce is trying to prevent the spot fires and if anything, try and have or be in control of the situation as much as possible. when we’re in a bad situation, don’t keep pondering on the extremely bad things that happen, instead focus on the other part of your life where things are much better. How you handle yourself and look after yourself will give you the ultimate results to a successful future. 

LINKS:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce:

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hi, everyone and welcome back to the podcast. I just wanted to, this week, have a chat about emotions and how you might feel because this has come about after having a really stressful week with one of my beautiful clients. She’s had the week from hell. I suppose if I sit there and think that in this podcast I’m talking to her, but I’m probably talking to a lot of you right now.

We’ve spent a hell of a lot of time just trying to put out spot fires that are popping up left, right, and center. The key with a really successful divorce is trying to prevent the spot fires and if anything, try and have or be in control of the situation as much as possible. That comes down to, I suppose, strategic direction and how you want to take your divorce forward. But when your [00:01:00] reactive all the time and you’re not leading the process, what happens is you start to get very emotional. It starts to look like everything that you do is not getting you anywhere closer to the outcome that you specifically want.

So this week with my beautiful client, she has really struggled. She’s really, really struggled. She’s wondered if she can keep going. I can sense that she’s at breaking point. She’s highly emotional, and when you’re highly emotional, what happens is your decision making is not the same. This skills on making a decision when you’re overwhelmed compared to when you’re feeling at peace and calm, they can take two completely different directions.

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So, what should you do when you feel like this? The biggest thing is to look around you and have a look and try and [00:02:00] see the good things that are happening right now in your life. It doesn’t matter how bad your relationship breakup is going. The world is all about equilibrium and I’m a true believer of this. So when you break up in a relationship, and Dr. John Demartini talks about this quite a lot if you’ve ever done any research into him. He talks about the fact that when we’re in a bad situation, equilibrium will take over and what that means is someone else will step in and whilst one part of your life might be extremely bad, another part of your life will be so much better.

So as an example, I can remember when I was going through my relationship breakdown. Whilst my personal life wasn’t going the best, my business or career was actually going much better. So it [00:03:00] was compensating. Like, say, we’re on a seesaw, and it was leveling out. When I look back now, I can see how the side of the seesaw which all was about my relationship was practically on the ground, but when I was talking about my career and thinking about what happened there, that was up in the air. So when you looked at them, they sort of counteracted each other and brought my life back on an even keel, if that makes sense at all.

So with my beautiful client that we’re talking about right now, she is seriously going through a really, really bad time. Her ex-husband is making her life unbearable. He’s certainly trying everything he can do to make her look like she’s a bad mother, a bad business woman, that she’s not a very nice person, and that gets to you at [00:04:00] some particular stage. At some stage, we can’t be rock hard. We’re all full of emotions and we married this person thinking that they were the love of their life. We trusted them. We gave them everything we possibly could in as far as putting down our walls just so we could let them in and then they use all of those things against us later on. That can break people.

Where she is right now is at a stage where she has to stop and look around. She’s got great things going on in her life. She’s highly intelligent. She’s got a business that is worth a lot of money. She’s got a new partner who loves her dearly and he’s really supportive of her. She’s got some two great children. She’s got other really, really good friends in her life that care for her, but at the moment she just [00:05:00] can’t see through the blackness of what she’s dealing with to see, at the end of this tunnel, there is going to be something amazing in her life.

If you feel like this right now, you need to just take this advice. This is the same advice that I gave to her. Every night when you go to bed, you need to, just before you go to sleep, is be grateful for the little things that happen throughout the day. It could be something that happened at work. It could be something that your children said to you. Could be that someone was nice to you in a shopping center or let you in when you were driving your car. It could be anything. I want you to think about what good happened every day and be grateful because gratitude, when you are grateful and you show gratitude, it makes you realize that life [00:06:00] is worth living and things can be good again. Not everything is bad but what you’re going through right now certainly is probably the worst that it’s ever going to be.

I’ve talked about it before but some researchers did a study on the most stressful time in people’s life and there was a top 50 list, and divorce came in second to the death of a beloved spouse. I mean, that’s how serious it is with what you’re going through right now. Divorce was higher than going to jail. I think going to jail was 5th or 6. So divorce was higher than that. That’s what you’re dealing with right now. You’ve got every reason to feel the way you do.

If you feel totally stressed and that you can’t keep going on, you just need to take a deep breath, stop thinking about all of the bad, and try and remember the [00:07:00] good. Why is it that you want to be separated? Are you looking for a better life? Do you think you can have something really exciting? And it doesn’t even mean if you think it because you can make it happen. If you really, really want it, you can make it happen. You just have to get through what you’re going through right now and everything will turn around. I promise you. People, day in day out, unfortunately, have to deal with relationship breakdowns and they can all come out the other end okay.

Now, please I’m not talking about domestic violence or personal safety here. That’s a completely different and specialized area. I’m just talking about the everyday “divorce”. Most of us are able, at the end of it, to come out and build a better life. We just have to think positively and it [00:08:00] can all be over, and at the moment, when it just seems so bad, you just can’t see that things will improve.

The funny thing about relationships is though– This client that I’m talking about, and it could be exactly the same with you and your partner, is the reason that her ex is doing what he’s doing is because he senses that he’s fighting. He’s fighting for everything that he’s worked hard for. He’s fighting for, I personally think he’s still fighting for her and he hopes that she might come back to him and he’s fighting for his family. Whilst what he’s doing is not okay, it’s the only way he knows how to react and that’s difficult when you’re in it. It’s difficult to see it when you’re in it, but later on when it’s over and you look back, you can actually see some key issues and drivers as to why something has occurred.

Now, you know your partner better than anyone else. [00:09:00] You know how they react. You know what you need to do to probably get a reaction out of them. And if you’re doing things that are causing issues, the best way is to just try and deescalate. I spoke about it in a few podcasts ago. I think about communication and how communication is a real issue in relationships. But when emotions get so high, communication normally goes down the drain. But right now, all you need to do is to try and get your life back under some form of control and be able to still get up every day and keep going.

When I talk to people say a year after they’ve been divorced, they’ll often say, “I felt like I was on autopilot. I felt like decisions were getting made. I was getting up in the morning and going to work or looking after the children or dropping them off to [00:10:00] school.” whatever it is that you need to do on a daily basis, and I look back now and I wonder how I ever got that done. But you do. You just keep getting up, you keep going on, and day after day, things will get better

From your perspective, when you’re going through this, you are building this resilience that you don’t realize that you are building until it’s over. Then later on in your life when something happens that would normally have had massive consequences for you, you react differently to it because you’ve already been through what you can see is being just one of the most dreadful times in your life. I know it’s hard for you to understand right now if you really in the depth of despair and you’re feeling like this right now, but there is a lesson that you will learn and it will change your life in the long run.

If you do really feel [00:11:00] completely out of control, you are so distressed, please you need to go to your doctor. You need to go your GP and you must get some counseling because you need to have someone that’s on your side that can help you get back on to a leveled playing field and help you get over everything that you’re feeling. You cannot underestimate what you’re going through.

There’s even been research that shown that when you are highly stressed, it affects your blood pressure. It affects your skin, your white blood cells. It has consequences for what you eat and what you drink so it’s important to make sure that you really do take care of yourself. You are the most important thing right now. If you’ve got children, you are certainly the most important thing. You have to make sure you’re okay. You will get stronger and you will get through it but it’s a [00:12:00] day-by-day proposition and I know it’s hard– I don’t know. My heart breaks for you because I can remember, I can recall it so vividly. Looking back now, I wonder how I got through it, but I did and so does everyone else and so will you. I promise you you will get through it.

So this is just another short podcast just to let you know that I am definitely here for you. Make yourself okay so that when you make decisions, those decisions are made not out of anger or overwhelm or anything like that or you’re not being forced into making a decision. If you need to calm everything down, just calm it down and do it on your terms, but get some help. Go to your GP, whatever you need to do to protect and look after yourself because you’re the most important thing right now.

 

 

 

 

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