[00:00:00] Hello, hello, hello and welcome back to the podcast. I’m so glad that you can be with me again today. I just wanted to thank you for listening and the feedback that I get from the podcast has just been really great, but my goal with this podcast was really just to share the insights that I have and help people really move on from life because I remember when I wrote my book and I had to get up and do– I’ve talked about you know, why I wrote it and everything else. Like it was a room of I don’t know maybe a few hundred people and I burst into tears and I thought about it later and I thought why did I cry? When really I should have been quite happy that I’d achieved this amazing goal of writing a book. You know, people say that it’s difficult and at times, it was. Yet I still was [00:01:00] able to get it done and get it published and I really think the issue was not about me writing the book. I think I was so overwhelmed with everything that had gone on to get me to write the book if that makes sense. You know, like the stigma of divorce, the stigma of just because you’ve been divorced that you’re not successful, that you’ve failed and they could have just been stories. I was telling myself. I don’t know, but when I look back now I can I understand why I felt the way I did like it was probably quite embarrassing at the time with all these people looking at me and I’m, you know, crying and could hardly talk in the microphone.
I did it, I got through it. And you know, I look back now and it is what it is. I don’t really care what other people think now because I’ve learned that it’s that vulnerability that I show that also allows people to connect with [00:02:00] me and asked me information and I’ve been where you are. I know what it’s like and and it can be awful. It can feel like, I don’t know, you’ve really mocked up even though you have it, but it just feels that way. How did I get here? I talked about that my episodes with victim to victor and I look back and there’s no doubt, I felt like a victim. I felt like a victim of circumstance. How did I find myself here?I can’t believe that this was the last place I ever thought possible, but we cannot control what happens in other people’s lives. That can be our partner, that can be ourselves, you know different things happen and our life changes. You know, we can’t expect everything to be the same because let’s be honest, if it was we would have very boring lives.This podcast is about is really about a continuation from last week where we [00:03:00] spoke about inaction and the dangers it can cause when people get complacent with their lives. So when people have moved out of the terrible and then stay stuck rather than continuing with the momentum that they’ve generated and they move into incredible.If you do want to go back and visit episode 24 to 29, victim to victor, this all starts to make sense and you can see how people slide back and down the scale into victim and overwhelm mode, especially if they start to stay in inaction.Now, if this is the first time that you’ve listened to my podcast, thank you. Welcome, I’m so grateful that you’re here, but I really recommend go back and listen to those podcasts because you could be missing some real key ingredients to how to make your successful divorce come true. So to recap, what is inaction? So there’s many ways to describe it, but ultimately [00:04:00] it’s the feeling of treading water, not moving on in your life, still feelingconfined even though you no longer live with your ex. So you’re trapped to the circumstances and whatever that entails for you individually. The greatest issue is knowing you are at this place. Most people don’t even realize it. I have had clients say, No, I’m not in inaction. I’m reading these self-help books. I’m doing some, you know, meditation. I’m going to different classes.” They may even have gone out dating. You know, “I’m really trying to improve my life,” but inaction is something that we need to look at holistically.Our life, if we look at it, it’s like an orange and it’s got different segments in it and we have to have addressed all of them to really be able to move forward. So [00:05:00] if you’ve only addressed part of it, you haven’t addressed everything, you get stuck. This is wonderful, and I’m so happy when people tell me this, but overwhelm takes place even though you can still be learning. Action must be the next step. Knowing and doing are two completely different things, so you can know what to do and you can know that I’m doing these self-help courses, I’m reading, I’m looking at a new job, I’m doing all these things. That’s wonderful, but we need to put the actions in place. We need to do the doing. And these two things are so different and if you’re only doing the learning and those other things and you are sort of feeling trapped and you’re not moving forward, I hate to tell you this, but you are stuck in [00:06:00] inaction. Let’s get into how do we move on from inaction? The first and easiest way to do this is, first, as I said, is realizing that you’re there. Once you’ve said to yourself, “No different to someone that’s got an addiction. Yes, I’ve got a problem.” Then you can go out and address it. Yes, you sit there and you go, “Okay, Tanya might be right. I actually– even though I think I’m doing things to improve my life, there’s so much more that I could be doing or there’s a massive thing that I need to address which I am just ignoring and it’s like the elephant in the room and you know yourself what that major issue is but you just choose not to do anything about it at the moment and it could be for the reasons we spoke about last week because you’re scared, you don’t want to cause any more pressure on things. Things are going really well at the moment and you just go. “I don’t [00:07:00] want to throw another stone and cause another fight or more animosity.” You just stay where you are. All of those reasons, you get to choose whether they’re right or wrong. But ultimately, we need to get through it to come out the other side. So whether you do it today, whether you do it tomorrow or you do it in three or four years or you never do it. If you never do it, that’s up to you, but you have to. If you really want to get to where you want to go in life, you need to just get through it. You need to address it. You need to tick it off the to-do list and say, “Yes, I’ve done it.” Because no matter what, at some stage these problems are going to continue to be problems until you’ve addressed.So once we’ve realized and we say, “Yes, we’ve got a problem.” We need to then plan and we need to put a plan in place. I often say if you don’t have your own plan, you become part of someone [00:08:00] else’s plan. So at the moment, if you are in an inaction, and it’s because of– Let’s use the analogy which I was using or the example that I use last week about selling your house.You’re living in the family home. You know at some stage it’s got to be sold but at the moment, you’ve got a roof over your head so you just plan on staying there for as long as you possibly can. Now, what that’s doing is it’s not allowing other opportunities to arise to allow you to take you to where you need to go because you’re still stuck in the past and not moving on with the future. If you can refinance that house or you are ultimately going to take over the property, that’s a different thing. But if you know none of that is going to happen and you know that eventually it’s got to occur, why not just do it, get it over and done with. Like, let’s rip the Band-Aid off. If you’ve gone through all of the risk mitigators and it makes sense and it’s just that you’re there because it’s easier, then you need to [00:09:00] just rip it off and move.The planning of whatever that might be. I’ve got a client at the moment a beautiful client who has found herself– It’s an awful predicament. She went to court and the magistrate, for some reason, gave access to her ex-husband for the child. The actual– how they drop off and pick up has just caused so many issues for her and it’s causing her grief and it’s just not getting any better. So she knows that she has to do something about. But what does that look like? This is what someone else has previously done. How do we try and rectify that? What does that look like for you? Can we think outside the box? Is there some way that we can have a conversation with him? Can we propose some other options? Can we do something other than go back to court? Just to try and get momentum moving because she’s so scared of what his answer might be that she’s just not doing anything about it [00:10:00] and she’s just trapped in this whole decision that that was made for her.To take, now, responsibility for it means that either it’s going to cost her money and she’s got to go back to court. She has to get up the courage to have a conversation with her ex-partner about, “This isn’t working. Is there some other options?” and none of them are probably nice but she has to probably decide what she wants to do and she’s decided that she’s had enough and she has to stand up and fix it. Her son is only four so she’s got to do this for, you know, another 14 years. It’s a long time. She can’t keep going on like this. What does her plan look like? How much is it going to cost her? Can she afford it? Does she need to get a budget together? Does she need to get a loan, get someone to help her pay for it now? I don’t know, but at least she started to put some steps in place because she realized she was just in limbo. [00:11:00] And then the next part is actually executing whatever that plan looks like and putting steps in place. It’s doing the doing and knowing that you’ve got people that can support you and if your biggest issue is that you don’t know what the outcome could be, it can only be what it is right now, but at least you know that you’ve done something, you’ve tried something and even a little bit of a change might make a difference in your life.But moving on from how we move from in action, so we’ve got those three steps firstly highlighting or realizing that we’re in it, then planning to how would we get out of it and then action or doing the doing. The next part is the importance of momentum and sometimes, you know, I can watch someone. They’ve just got such great momentum. All of a sudden, everything’s changing in their life. Things are getting better. They’re happier, and then they just stopped. I don’t know [00:12:00] why they stopped. They just stop and all of a sudden, they slide back down again. So they’ve been so happy and they’re into the focus, acceptance or focus and moving up to the victor stage and then all of a sudden, they just go, “Right, this is better than it’s ever been,” and the momentum stops and then they just slide back. They just go back to the- you know, whether it be the victim or the overwhelmed because they just haven’t kept the momentum going. The easiest way to describe momentum is imagine a damn wall. So imagine that you’ve got this massive concrete wall that is holding back thousands and thousands of liters of water. And that wall has got a crack in it. It’s got a crack. Now the crack just is getting bigger and bigger and that’s what momentum is. Momentum is the crack in the wall. The wall is [00:13:00] what’s holding you where you are right now and you’re the water. Now if you keep that momentum going and that crack gets bigger and bigger and all of a sudden, it smashes. You’re that water. Imagine, you’re the water running free. All of a sudden, you can just flow wherever you want to go. You’re no longer contained, but you’re free to do, to go, to be whatever it is you want to. And that’s what momentum does, it just keeps everything moving. Momentum is such an amazing thing, but it’s hard. It’s hard to keep moving when things are really bad and you go, “It’s just easier to put my head under the covers and ignore it.” It doesn’t go away. It’s still there. We just need to keep putting steps forward, one in front of the other and keep moving and that momentum, even if it’s just tiny, it [00:14:00] just needs to be tiny. It can make such a difference to your life. And then there’s opportunities and what could these opportunities be? Because right now they’re not showing up to you. If there’s something that you haven’t tied up, if there’s a loose end that you haven’t addressed, the opportunities just will not visualize like they would normally. Or something might happen that you think, “This is such an amazing opportunity,” but you can’t take it because you’re still tied in with the past. I’ve seen time and time again the amazing growth that people take once they’ve gone through these five steps and once they’ve got to the victim mode and they’re in the prosperity and the all forgotten of the past, what happens is these opportunities that they never thought would arise do because they don’t need to worry about things that happened previously. It can be things like a new job, a promotion, starting a [00:15:00] business, buy a new car, or moving into a new area. You know, you’ve got a new group of shops. You meet someone new down there. I don’t know, the new career that you got might now have you traveling somewhere else. It might be a having new possibilities. You might now be offered to go and do some extra training or upskill. It could be that because you’ve taken on an opportunity that you wouldn’t have before that the kids are now having different opportunities as well. They’re happier. They’ve got the ability to make new people, they’re, you know, not feeling confined as well. They have old memories from the past that are now depleting. Who knows? The opportunities can be whatever you want them to be. They can be amazing. Go back and re-listen to those podcasts that I did, think about your own situation, and if you are in [00:16:00] inaction, consider what that means to you. Are you prepared to put your life on hold and stay where you are? Or do you really want to get moving? Your future could be something that you never ever, ever thought possible. You’ve got so much more strength and tenacity than you even knew, but those skills, they grow. They get stronger and stronger every time you use them. Every time you feel outside or you feel scared and you need to step outside your comfort zone and you go, “No, I’m really worried about this.” Every time you do that, it becomes your new normal and every time you step outside your comfort zone or your security you grow and you become bigger and stronger and just the best person you could possibly be and anything can happen. And that’s what I [00:17:00] want for you because divorce does not need to be the end. No way, divorce can be the start of something simply amazing and at the time, I didn’t realize it. I thought, “Wow, where do I go from here? What do I do? How did I find myself here?” Now, bring it on. Anything’s possible and I want that for you, too. I want you to know that anything is possible. You can change not only your life, but the life of someone else. So that’s it for this week. Thank you so much for joining me.