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Inaction – when we really aren’t getting things done and are unable to make those important decisions in life. I really didn’t realize the effect that it had on people’s life until I started working in this area of divorce. It’s all understandable because it takes a long time to understand what you want to be quite honest. I was there myself so I’m not throwing stones because I realize now how much inaction cost me in the long run. This is why I don’t any longer sit inaction. I might be feeling sorry for myself, I might wonder how I found myself here and think this is all getting too hard, but I snap out of it quickly because the key out of inaction is knowing that you’re in it and then as soon as possible shaking yourself out of it and get things moving again. The bottom line is, if we don’t get things moving, it will start to affect other parts of our life; our family, our career, relationships and even to a point of affecting our health and our personal happiness. DON’T LET INACTION COST YOU A FORTUNE. Don’t miss out on opportunities because you’re too busy worrying. Let’s get going!

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https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

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Transcription:

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast last week. We had a chat about bringing all of the five steps together. And at the end, I told you that in the next two podcast we’re going to have a chat about inaction. And inaction is something that I really didn’t realize the effect that it had on people’s life until I started working in this area of divorce and myself noticing what was happening when we really weren’t getting things done and we were just stagnating in our decisions. 

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We were stagnating in where we wanted to go and it’s all understandable because it takes a long time to understand what you want to be quite often. Even when I was 30, I would say, “When I grow up, I want to be such and such” because today in the world that we live in, we can change all the time. We don’t need to be who we thought we were going to be when we were a child and our [00:01:00] kids today, especially if you look at them, they sign that they could have anywhere up to four or five different careers in a lifetime and we’re no longer living just for you know.

Say that average woman used to live until she was 30 then 50, then, 70. Now, it’s into her 80s and we’re talking about the future that we can live until we’re a hundred. You may have even heard me talk about how I want to live to a hundred and twenty. There’s so much to get done but medicine and everything else also allows us to live a much higher standard of living than what we would have done.

So, you know, a hundred years ago, ever evolving and changing and what I’ve noticed with a lot of people and I was there myself so I’m not throwing stones because I realize now how much inaction cost me in the long run. I don’t any longer sit inaction. I [00:02:00] know from for a moment of time, I might be feeling sorry for myself. I might wonder how I found myself here. I might think this is all getting too hard, but I snap out of it quickly because the key to inaction is knowing that you’re in it and then as soon as you know you’re in it, shake yourself up, do a little bit of a dance, whatever it is that you need to do to get things moving again. Get back on track. Get back onto your plan.

What is your plan? And how do you get to where you want to go this week? I suppose for me, I see it is so much more than just because a relationship has fallen apart. If we don’t get things moving, what happens is it affects other parts of their life as well. Our family, our career, it can be other relationships with other people and friends as well. But it also can be at a point [00:03:00] of affecting our health and our personal happiness and it could be that we get ill or sick because we’re just not moving. We’re not getting things done. We’re just stuck and God, I remember it so vividly. I remember that feeling of, “What the hell am I supposed to do?” and “Is it easier just to ignore everything that is going on around me?”and pulled the covers over my head and just think that if I stay here long enough, when I come out everything will be fixed and I’ll be okay.

Unfortunately, the reality is that that just doesn’t happen and I need to fix what it is that is wrong in my life. No one else is going to do it for me and the same is for you if you don’t. Do things to fix your life. No one is going to do it, unfortunately, and when you feel trapped and you’re scared and [00:04:00] unhappy, whatever the word is to best describe you and how you feel right now.

Normally, I would title this because all together it will form inaction. So any action costs a fortune. Inaction does not allow people to make decisions about their futures when I suppose amazing opportunities arrives. So if something happened in front of you and you got an opportunity, you can’t actually take it which costs you money. It costs you emotions. It costs you happiness and it might cost you an amazing future because you can’t take those steps because you’ve still got too much stuff to sort out before you can move forward. And the other thing is opportunities, sometimes you don’t even know when they’re in front of you. You don’t even realize opportunities because you’re too busy worrying about what you’ve got to get sorted out. So the longer it takes you to get [00:05:00] your life sorted out, the less hope that these amazing opportunities are going to happen that you’re going to be able to take with everything in your being and just run with it and make it spectacular and life-changing because you’re still too busy dealing with all of the crap that went on in the past.

So most people don’t even realize that they’re in this position and they’ll say, “But I left my relationship so I did take action” and yes, they need to be applauded and they need to be supported because yes, I did take the steps to fix their happiness or for whatever reason it was that they left their marriage. But once you’ve taken the action to leave, you can’t just leave it there. It’s so much more than that and leaving the relationship physically as such whether that means changing houses or daydreams, whatever [00:06:00] your case might be, there’s still so much more that has to happen.

Inaction, what I best describe it is the ability to not get things done. Or as the word says, it’s pretty much the opposite of action. Now census data and from my research around the world seems to have shown similar results. Couples are taking anywhere up to three years to finalize their relationship that can be financially and legally, and I don’t know if you can believe this but a small percentage never get this stuff sorted out. They just leave it because it’s easier just to leave it. Now, that worries me. It’s not something that I would want for anyone and if you look back over, you know, just imagine that you’re 80 years old and you’re looking back and when you look at all your [00:07:00] life you think, “Well, I was married to an individual for X amount of years. It took me a bit longer to get all of that sorted out and finished and then the best part of my life happened after all of that.”

If you look back and you knew that that was going to happen, I wonder why people sit in inaction for so long. Why is inaction a problem? Well, legally it means if you don’t do something about your situation for instance, and you’re still married or financially tied to your partner, there’s the possibilities that so much could go wrong. We had a client and I think I may have talked about her previously on the podcast where she was in inaction. She thought she was doing the right thing. She didn’t want to rock the boat anymore with her ex-husband. So her and the children left and went to a rental property and he stayed in the family home, but what [00:08:00] happened was it’s freeze on. She was just going about life taking the kids to kinder and school and whatever. He was working the family business and going back to the family home and they’d had a verbal agreement of what would happen.

Neither of them wanted to really rock the boat because they’re still wanted to be good parents, but she didn’t realize because she was no longer seeing him regularly that he was just emotionally broken he ended up becoming addicted to drugs. He lost the family business and in turn went into liquidation and was forced to go bankrupt.

She didn’t realize all of this until one day she got a letter in the mail explaining to her what was going on by this stage. It was just too late, you know, and if she’d taken steps to action what was going on, even though she thought she was doing the right thing, she would have been better protected and I hate to [00:09:00] see that for anyone. I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what she did, but the other thing when I see people that take quite a few years to get their stuff sorted out, they are really unable to make decisions for their own future because how can you you still financially tied to your—

You know, you can’t buy a house because you might be still part of an owner of another house or you might have a mortgage with that person. You might have credit card still with this person. There’s so much that needs to be untangled and then to make steps for your own future. All of a sudden, all of these other consequences are coming up that you didn’t realize it’s critical. As soon as you decide to leave that, you start getting this stuff sorted out. And the biggest thing for me with a problem with inaction really comes about when we’re talking about our subconscious mind and if you think about it, you know, [00:10:00] our conscious mind is what makes the decision that we’re going to go. Our conscious mind is what puts the steps in place. It helps us pick our stuff up and take it to another place or have a conversation with our partner to say it’s over but our subconscious mind is what keep the heart beating, keeps our temperature regulated. It’s what heals our cuts when we’ve cut ourselves or burnt our self. Our subconscious mind is what keeps us just going and living without even really thinking about.

When you have not taken steps to address your relationship, your subconscious mind still thinks that you are part of that relationship. So why would it be then searching for something better for you? Because you’re pretty much telling it, “I’m happy where I am right now,” even if you’re not, so it’s important to make sure that you do it for yourself.

Why does [00:11:00] this happen? So in a lot of cases, the reason that people get stuck in action is because they are scared about what the future could look like. You know, they’re taking the big steps to address the unhappiness and to split and then I go, “Wow. Let’s wipe the sweat off our brow. We’ve done that. I’ve been able to do that. Now, I’m just going to have a rest for a little bit. I’m just going to deal with where I am. I’m going to accept it and then maybe in, you know, in a year or something, then I’ll take the steps that I need to do after that.”

That’s all like a, you know. I understand that and I understand why some people feel like that but it’s really important to make sure you have a good support group around you to help you keep going and to let you know that things will be okay. The other part with why does this happen, like I said about that previous– She just didn’t want to upset anyone. You know, she was such a lovely [00:12:00] person. She thought, “Well, we’re parenting our children together. At least I’m not living in that unhappiness of that relationship that I was, so even though I’ve moved, things are a tad better” and if you think about it, incrementally, oh God, I can’t even say the word.

Things have got better to what they were say, years ago. So at least you are feeling that there’s less animosity in the house. You feel like you are starting to make decisions for your own future that you don’t have to worry about your other partner, but you still aren’t doing enough to really be independent and feeling like this plenty of time and there’s no reason to make things any worse. Why wouldn’t I just stay where I am? Because at least I’ve got 50 years to live, I’ve got plenty of time to get this sorted out but opportunity will pass you by and opportunity is [00:13:00] such an amazing thing. But if you’re still tied to your previous life, or you’re not addressing your future.

You get less and less opportunity and that’s sad. So there’s right– Now there’s the ability for something amazing to happen, but you’ve got to get your stuff sorted out and he or she can take the steps. because I’ve done everything else now. I hear this regularly and it’s actually sad how often I hear this but someone will say, “No, I’m not doing anymore. I’ve done all this. I’ve packed up the house. I’ve put all her stuff in this box or I’ve gone and spoken to these people. I’ve done this.” It’s he or she’s turned to do the rest all to at least start the process and that is a sister to me one of the most ridiculous things that I’ve ever heard because if you think about it, you never going to be with this person forever.

If you [00:14:00] don’t do the things that you need to do for yourself, no one else ever is, so why would you want someone else to be putting those steps in place? And I get it. I really do because I remember when I was going through these and we were selling our house and I can remember that I felt like I did everything to get the house ready to be sold. I painted the walls. I got in the gardener. I did everything with the real estate agents. I was the one that was cleaning the house for all of the open, you know. Sending the kids off to wherever they had to go, so the house would be spotless for when people were coming through. I was doing the gardening and then when the opens were on, I’d have to take the dogs down the river to get them out of the house so people could walk around freely and I just felt like, “Why am I doing all of this, yet he’s going to benefit when the house is sold. It just doesn’t seem fair?

And at that stage, I was pretty [00:15:00] bitter about it. Like this is not okay. But I continue to do it and I did it over and over again and I realized now all of those things that I did, that actually gave me strength. They made me realize that I can do what I want to do. I don’t need anyone else to rely on. If I really set my mind to something, I can get it done. Even though at the moment, it seems like it’s terrible, I still did it. That’s why this happens because you start to feel like this.

You know, how do you know if you’re in inaction? So right now. you need to ask yourself, are you sitting there watching Netflix and not getting anything done? Do you feel like you’re in limbo? Do you feel like you’re living groundhog day and you’re just not getting anywhere? I suppose another way to describe it as you just feel like you’re Frozen in Time. [00:16:00] And I’ve even had clients say, “Maybe I should go back?” So they’ve left the relationship and they are now so stuck in inaction. They think, “Maybe if I go back, my life might get better. At least if I go back, it might have been bad, but then there was some good in it. So rather than go, what do I need to do to improve my life that had just so stuck in the moment of–

And in most cases, it’s unhappiness. And like I said last week, it can be it’s painful. You can feel like you’re stuck in Groundhog Day and it’s not the grass is not greener on the other side and this I need to get across the grass is not greener on the other side for some use but once you get over those, there is a period of [00:17:00] years. It can be absolutely spectacular and you’ve got to think of the big picture, of the long game not just right now in the moment, going back just because you don’t know what to do or you feel like you’re in Groundhog Day or you’re not getting anywhere. That’s not going to fix anything.

That’s just taking you back to where you were years earlier. So as you can see, inaction is an issue and next week because obviously don’t have a enough time this week, I want to talk about how we move from inaction and the importance of why we need to move on and be honest with yourself. really be honest with yourself. Are you in inaction even if it’s just a little bit? Are you sitting around watching Netflix and putting things off that could be done right now? Things that are easy to ignore, but they might have a massive impact on your [00:18:00] future. Could you be selling your house? But instead you’re saying, “It’s just easy to stay where I am right now. I’m not going to sell the house because right now, I’ve got a roof over my head. I feel secure.”

But you are frozen in time right now. You are stuck where you are until you sort this out. And it might be hard for a little bit of time, but eventually, it will get better. Eventually, new possibilities, opportunities will confront you which you’ll be able to address and move forward on. Finalizing your paperwork. It could even just be having a conversation with an ex about the next steps or it could be a tough conversation. You’ve got to have with someone else and you’re dwelling on it and you’re having this conversation in your head about how it might go.

I promise you it probably won’t go how you think it. [00:19:00] It might go so much better. But you’re making it up to be something that it’s not but once you’ve had the conversation, at least you can move on. It’s done. its dusted. You’ve got the courage up to say what you need to say and then it’s over with. As long as you say it in the right manner and you’ve thought about the consequences and you don’t ever talk about blaming someone. It’s all about we and why and asks and moving forward.

I mean that is if you’re talking to your ex. If you’re talking to someone else, that’s different, but it’s important to consider all of these things. So sometimes just taking little steps can make you feel like your life is improving. And only you can make a difference. No one else can do it for you. You need to take control and get on with it because whether you like it or not, you’re sort of feeling trapped and contained right now. Even though you [00:20:00] feel like you’ve got freedom, you still got barriers around your decisions and what you need to do and how you can make them.

So next week. I’m going to have a chat about how you can get out of inaction and why it is one of the most costly things I see because opportunity’s lost. It can cost you a fortune and if you’re in the financial game, you know, you hear people talk about it quite often.” Ah, jeez. I lost that opportunity because I had money invested somewhere else” or “I could have bought that house, but I had to sell this house” or you know. There’s so many things that people talk about in the financial gain when it comes to opportunities lost and I can’t invest my money.

And I see that quite often to where people go. I want to stay in the family home, but they haven’t done any due diligence or work on well, if it’s the family home that I’m living in which is a [00:21:00] big picture. So I’m talking generally generalizing here. So I’m not talking about your specific issue at you know, it all needs to be looked at holistically.

But are you leaving in an area that’s got really good capital growth? Are you living in an area where you want to stay long-term? Would it be better to be renting somewhere else and investing your money into another property that’s going to get you a higher rental yield or is a manage fund going to be better for you? There’s so many opportunities out there and I’m not telling anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. That’s why we’ve got professionals in all these areas. But you know, this is a lot to think of. We are not just trapped in what we’re living in our reality right now, we’ve got the opportunity to make some really hard decisions and those hard decisions could be the start of something truly amazing. So don’t think it’s [00:22:00] bad, don’t think that this is all that there is. There could be so much more, but you really need to just, you know, look into it and consider it.

So that’s it for this week. I can’t wait to talk to you next week about the possibilities of changing an action and making them wonderful opportunities. Talk to you again next week. Have a great week. And if there’s anything I can do to help, please just let me know, okay? Bye for now.

 

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