Going throw a divorce might hijack our minds and take us to a place where we can’t think clearly. It can be so overwhelming that I’ve seen people experiencing physical pain. I’ve even heard people saying that it felt like they were having their hearth pulled out of their chest. When I was going through my divorce, one of the advice that most helped me was that despite it hurts like hell; it will get better eventually. And it did, and I’m here to assure you the same, it might be hurting like hell, but it will get better. 

Let’s get into it

 

Timestamps

I’ve been there [00:01:00] 

The most stressful human experiences [00:03:00] 

It will better over time [00:05:00] 

The three different types of breakups [00:07:00] 

Having the right team [00:09:00] 

What you should do if you’re hurting [00:11:00]

Links

Episode #86 – Are You Happy With Who Is Staring Back In Your Reflection?

https://tanyasomerton.com/are-you-happy-with-who-is-staring-back-in-your-reflection/

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

 

Hey folks, welcome back to this week’s podcast. They come around really quickly. Um, what episode are we up to? Oh, 88, wow. 88. Who would have thought when I started this a year and a half ago. Nearly two years ago, there’ll be 88 episodes in. Here’s the thing, I am still loving doing these and sharing this information with you. So I can be honest with you when it stops being fun, I’ll stop doing them. But today I want to talk about something that I’ve witnessed with some of my new clients. And there’s no doubt I’ve been there. But it bloody hurts. It really, really effin hurts. You know, the thought that your life could be where it is now.

It’s probably something you never envisaged. You always thought you would be happy. You wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of putting together a wedding, or having children, or buying a house. Or whatever it was that you guys did together to end up where you are right now.

And it hurts a lot. It’s a pain that’s indescribable.

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This emotional pain that we feel when we’re going through a divorce is indescribable. Like you couldn’t even explain it to your best friend if you wanted to. I’ve heard people say, it’s just like my heart’s being pulled out of my chest. I’m struggling to even breathe some days. People no physically able to get out of bed. The side effects of what it happens when you go through a separation are full lawn. And there’s a study that was done well many years ago on the stresses in life. And the second, most stressful time in a person’s life is going through a divorce.

And I don’t know, even when I looked at what you had to compare them to if the second was getting a divorce, number eight was going to jail. And if I had to think of being stressed, the thought of going into prison because you’ve been committed a crime, just makes me feel sick. So if that’s number eight, it gives people who haven’t gone to a divorce, some understanding of how stressful it is to deal with all of the things that are part of ending a relationship. And you probably know this, and you’re starting to realize there’s so much to be done. And many people say to me, I have no idea where to start. And that combined with the feelings of how did I find myself here? I don’t know if I can never trust anyone again.

And if you’re anything like me, I had this overpowering sense of failure. My parents were, were divorced, and I was sure that it would never happen to me, but here I was 22 years later. And I was also dealing with the same things that I swore I would never deal with. 

I mean, obviously, I’d learnt lessons from what I’d gone through with my parents.

And I tried to prevent that with my children, but. Yeah, it’s not nice. And, and it’s still something, as you can see on stuttering a bit, cause trying to verbalize those feelings is quite tricky. Still, the best advice I probably got during my divorce was that it will hurt, but it will get better.

And it will get better over time, and not everyone was meant to be together. And some people do feel like they’ve failed as I did. But sometimes things just were never meant to be, or that person was put in front of you for a reason only for a particular time. And maybe that time is up. Perhaps that time is over. And maybe even you’ve been in it longer than you probably should have been. Sometimes though, for people that did not expect this to happen, it’s even harder to accept. And if they’re not wanting to end a relationship, Oh my God. Those poor darlings, my heart breaks for them because trying to get something that really is unacceptable is even more challenging.

So if my relationship ending was my choice, and I felt the way I did, I can not even think of what it must be like for someone that had no choice. The option of staying in the relationship has been taken from them. Because the other person decided the future of the relationship. And in my book, The jelly bean jar, I talk about the difference in relationships and the care that the three categories need.

So let’s just recap, category A is where the person has chosen to end the relationship. Category A is anywhere between two and five years in front of category B. 

Category B is the person that never, ever saw it coming and didn’t expect it. Or maybe they had been told that there were problems, but they chose to ignore them or to think that they might go away.

And then is category C and category C are where the parties just aren’t getting along. And they’ve jointly decided to end the relationship, but out of the three categories, category B by far needs, the most love and care. 

And there’s all these adaptations as well to these categories. You know, something along the lines of, you may have been cheated on, or domestic violence.

Some people are dealing with other things that add to the pain of what they’re going through. So it’s crucial, no matter who you are, no matter where you are in your separation or divorce journey, that you get help and support. And whether that’s a counsellor or a psychologist, or even just someone like me, that you can talk to, that can head you in the right direction.

It makes all of the difference to your outcome. And previously I’ve spoken about the stats, especially here in Australia. And they’re very, very similar in other parts of the world. But if we’re talking about 40 % divorcing first time round. So that’s first-time marriages, then we’ve got 70% of second-time marriage is failing. Then 90% of third-time marriages. The data tells a story, and the data is saying that these first-time marriages, the people only aren’t addressing what went wrong.

They’re not looking at the issues. They’re not asking the essential questions. Sometimes the hard questions will lead you on a journey to self-evolution and transformation that make you a better person or a different person. Cause maybe you’re good enough just as you are.

Making sure you’ve got someone on your team, someone that you can genuinely talk to, someone that can get to the bottom of what went wrong because there’s a root cause to everything. That’s my right analytical brain talking right there.

There’s a root cause of everything. People just don’t get up and end relationships, unless there’s a problem. And if you can find out what the problem is and you know that you’ve addressed it, you can make sure that it doesn’t happen this second time around. And in previous weeks in episode 86, we spoke about looking in the mirror and asking ourselves some essential questions.

If you haven’t listened to that, if you are new to the podcast, go back and listen to that because that’s how, as people, we run a meta program. There are some telling things when we look at our behaviours, and maybe some of that is the reason that things haven’t gone to plan. Or it only can be, you just can’t stand your ex-partner.

They’re just not the right person for you. You’ve stayed precisely the same. Yet they have changed so much that you simply cannot bear it anymore. And that, you know, that also has happened and can happen. But in most cases, both parties have changed over time. I’ve been doing this now, what, four years, four years I’ve been doing this. Helping people get through their divorce project, managing them and strategically putting plans in place to make sure they get the best outcome.

And this, I can tell you for sure, when I first meet them, how they turn up. And what happens when it’s over. It is merely like night and day. And if you’re hurting right now and you’re hurting so much that you can’t breathe, that your heart hurts, just like some of the clients have told me, I want you to know it will get better. You will get through it.

And life is full of joy. Life was not meant to be unhappy. And if you are depressed, only you can make a difference, no one else can. You can’t be responsible for someone else’s happiness. You can only be responsible for your own. So don’t stay in a relationship where you don’t have two people working on the same outcome. And don’t stay in a relationship just because you think you have to, or because you think it’s the right thing to do.

Stay because you both have the same vision, and you love each other, like nothing else. If that’s not what you’ve got, It is time to pull up your socks and do something about your life because you’re the only person that can do it. And there’s no doubt it is going to hurt. To be honest, it’s gonna hurt, but ask yourself this.

Are you prepared for short term pain over longterm happiness? Because even if the problem went for a year, but you are happy for another 50, isn’t it worth it?

All right, my lovelies, this has been a pretty full-on it today, but I leave you with this one thing. I had never, ever, ever, ever been happier in my life than what I am right now today. And that’s because of all of the effort that I put into being happy. It’s all of the education and evolution that I have chosen to put into making my life happy. It wasn’t put on a platter. I don’t get it from someone else. I get it from me, just me. And you can get it from you. All right. Well, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

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