After we go through a process of separation or divorce, it’s common to spend a lot of time alone with our thoughts. Trying to find the answer to why it happened is inevitable. And almost every time, we tend to think things like, “I should’ve done this or that differently” or “I shouldn’t have said that,” and so forth. We tend to feel guilty about what happened. What we don’t know is that those feelings of guilt might be the product of the stories we carry with us. Things that someone told us one or thousands of times. We make those stories real.

In this episode, I will share with you a few principles of my latest program Restore Me, and I will explain to you why it’s not your fault. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

A bit of my constant effort to evolve as a person [00:02:00]

The million-dollar question, where do I start? [00:04:00] 

Our environment and other people’s opinions [00:06:00] 

How our stories impact us [00:08:00] 

The dangers of living on autopilot [00:10:00] 

Changing your context to change your life [00:12:00]

Following the wrong advise and its consequences [00:14:00] 

Links  

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome to this week’s podcast. I’ve had a pretty spectacular week. The week of recording it’s been my birthday, so I’m very spoiled and privileged to have such amazing, amazing people in my life. And I am blessed as I’ve got older, I’ve learnt to appreciate everything. And what I’m working on currently in my life, because we’re all in evolution, aren’t we? Every day, it doesn’t matter what we’re going through, we want to work on the things that we know need practice. One of the things that I have always done and I’ve done it since a little girl. I would say that my memory is really busy all the time. If that makes sense. 

Like, I’m always thinking of what I can be doing to improve

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or something will pop into my mind. My husband calls it the shiny object syndrome. I’ll be in the middle of doing something. And then I’ll quickly run off to start something else because it’s so important to me that if I don’t promptly get onto it, I might forget about it or it won’t come out as my vision as I stayed in my head.

And, um, what I’m trying to do at the moment is I’m trying to learn how to just be present. So when I’m talking to someone, making sure that no new thoughts are coming into my mind, I’m just trying to be present, look in their eyes and be in the moment. And this is what I’ve been working on for the last few months.

And it’s, it really has made a difference to my relationships. Because what happens is people can tell that I am so interested. You ask a different sort of question. The questions are more loving. Because I’m really interested in the response. Interested in my friends and family. How they’re going in life and what they’re doing and learning and how they’re evolving.

So I need to be present. A little bit about what I’ve been working on over the last few months. And I’m sure there’s no doubt that if you’re listening to this podcast, you have a lot to work on right now as well. And sometimes the problem is. Where do you even start?

Because that’s what my clients say. Look, I just don’t even know where to start, but today I wanted to talk about something that I often hear, and it is, I’ve made some mistakes. I could have done things differently. I should have listened more. Whatever it is that is your belief about what went wrong in your relationship or is currently going wrong.

I want it to tell you it’s not your fault. Simple as that. People aren’t talking about this, no one talks about this, but that’s why I am because I like to do things differently. But it’s not your fault. Now let me explain why. If you have feelings of anger, you may even have feelings of the reason our relationship didn’t work because my partner was lazy. Maybe controlling. Maybe you felt like there was a lack of love. Perhaps your partner is selfish in your eyes. You may have felt bullied, lost and helpless. You could maybe even be feeling really hollow. Hollow resonates with me because I remember that’s how I felt. I felt this massive void in my gut all the time.

And you will have heard me talk about it before I was in a room with four other people, but I felt so lonely, and maybe even you’re being gaslighted, taken advantage of. You may feel used, taken for granted. You could be so disconnected that you wonder how you even got into the position or picked the person as a partner.

You could be abandoned, feel unloved. You could be uncertain about your future heartbroken. You may even feel invisible and used, but here’s the thing. Why it’s not your fault. Let me explain in our lives, we have this thing called content and context. Now what content is, content is our environment. It’s our home, our work, our relationships, our hobbies are sports there.

That’s our own, our environment, the things around us. And then we have other people’s opinions. You know, people will often tell us what they think we should do what we shouldn’t do. They will say to us what possibly we’re doing wrong, what we’re doing. Right. And when I’m talking to clients, I often say, imagine that you’re wearing a white suit, someone else is covered in mud, and they come up and hug you.

All of a sudden your white suit is now covered in mud. That’s what can sometimes happen with other people’s opinions or, or what other people believe. And they tell you for so long that suddenly your white suit is covered in mud and you lose yourself in it. And that could be you in your relationship right now.

You maybe have lost yourself, that real person that you were. And then we have individual thoughts. Now, the exciting thing about our personal opinions, they are driven by our context. So our context, our stuff like our unconscious thoughts, our beliefs, and our programming, it’s where the easiest way to describe it is where we live on autopilot.

Things just happen. And we can’t even in many cases, remember how we even did them or got to where we arrived. You know, you’ve obviously been there as well. Just like I have you get in your car, and before you know it you’ve got home, but you can’t even remember stopping at a red light or stopping at a stop sign.

And then you wonder, Oh, I hope I didn’t go over the speed limit or anything like that. That’s living on autopilot. We just get things done. And often you’ll hear people say, and I’m one of these people that go, Wow, the week went so quick. Where did it go? It’s because we’re living on autopilot, we’re just getting the things done that we need to get done to survive.

And then we had our stories and the things that we tell ourselves like this is all too hard. You know, money doesn’t grow on trees, whatever stories you’ve been brought up with. I can’t do this alone. I’m not strong enough. These are all stories that are going around and around in our heads.

And then the last thing we have when it comes to context is our habits, and our habits are just things that we do without even thinking about. Whether it be smoking because you don’t think about smoking. You don’t get up in the morning and don’t go, Oh, I’m going to be a smoker today. I might go and have a cigarette. You get up in the morning, and automatically you start to smoke. And not that I’m a smoker, but from family members who have been smokers, I’ve witnessed this habit. It’s not like they go, well, I’m going to go and have a coffee. I might now have a smoke. They just do it. It’s just a pattern.

It’s a habit that they live in. So, let me explain a little bit more about content and context on our left-hand side of our brain, where the content leaves is our logic side, the side with science and mass and time. And we’re practical, our reason and our short-term memory, our content lives on that side of our brain.

And then on the right-hand side of our brain, where we have passion and creativity, our identity and feelings and our long-term memory. That’s where our context is. So, as I said before, unconscious thoughts, programming, living on autopilots stories, habits. And when we going through a divorce or we’re going through a separation, as I said to you at the start, it’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault because it’s the context that you’re living in. It’s not your fault because you have been like brainwashed, you have been programmed, you’re living on autopilot in your relationships. So many things have happened that they just become habits. You’re into the habit of looking after everyone else.

You’re into the habit of putting people before you. You’re into the habit of maybe making sure their house is clean, the dishes are done, whatever it is, perhaps it’s going to work. It’s making sure the bills paid. That’s your responsibility for what you see as your responsibility. And what happens is when we leave our relationship.

If we do not change our context. So our way of being, or our unconscious thoughts and beliefs, this is where we start to make the same mistakes again. And it’s a massive concern of mine. You’ve heard me speak before. If you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, 45% of first-time marriages fail, and some countries it’s higher, it’s above 50. Around 70% of second-time marriages and 90% of third marriages fail.

The numbers are massive. Now I can’t do anything about the first person you married or the first person you’ve got into a relationship with, but I can help you. I can help you make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes as the 70% do. And 90% after that do. And how can I do that? I can change your context.

I can make sure you understand why this is not your fault, because how can it be your fault? How can it be your fault? If you feel unloved if you’re angry. If you’re controlled, what if these are just unconscious thoughts that you aren’t even aware of? Now, here’s the thing. If we can change your context, then we can change your life.

So if you think about it, you have been pretty much trying to be the person you are right now without even really knowing it. Now we’ve heard many times people leave a relationship, and then they go into a similar sort of connection, or they go back even to old partners because it feels familiar. After all, that’s their context.

Imagine though, if we could change that. Now, all of these things that I’ve talked about so far, which may sound familiar to you, these are the people that I call the struggling separated, and I know who the struggling separated up because I was one of them. But what I want to do, I want to turn each person that leaves an unhappy relationship.

I want to turn them into a life lover from a struggling, separated into a lifelong lover. And how would I do that? Well, I do that by changing the context of people’s beliefs. I do that by getting them to really understand what has not been working and why our stories that we tell ourselves over and over again, they’re simply not true in so many cases, they’re lies that we’ve believed for so long that.

It becomes a habit that we tell ourselves it’s like this story on loop in our brain. But until you can highlight all of these things and be able to pinpoint them and go, ah, ah, ha Holy moly. Now, this is all making sense. Nothing will change in your life. And I suppose that’s why I’m so passionate about people that think they can just turn up to a lawyer.

They think they can just walk into a lawyers office and have a conversation, and their life will turn around. And unfortunately for these people, it’s one of the greatest mistakes they can make. For instance, I had a lovely lady who came to me from a, a counsellor last week and she said, I want to start working with you now.

What happened in her content? One of her girlfriends said, look, I think you can do this yourself. Come on, I’ll go to a lawyer with you. So off they went, the two of them, they went to a lawyers office. They sat down. And they did their hour and a half consultation and took all the information that they needed and got things in order.

Um, the girlfriend actually said to the lawyer, because the friend thinks she’s doing the right thing, so I’m not being unfair. Unfairly critical of the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks she’s doing the right thing. And sometimes we, we also need to feel needed. So I’ve never met the person. So I’m not sure why she’s done what she’s done or, you know, bitter.

I do genuinely believe she’s done it from the kindness of her heart. So then they decide to write a letter to the ex-husband and get it posted. Now, this was last Thursday. Anyway, my meeting with this client was then this Tuesday just gone, and she was heartbroken. She said to me, Tanya, I am so sorry. My girlfriend said to me, I needed to go to a lawyer.

So I’ve gone off to the lawyer, and these are the things that I’ve done now. I’m not at all angry at her, actually, if anything, I feel sorry for her that she doesn’t understand that she doesn’t have the control in her life to be able to stand up for what she truly wants. So she’s been forced into going directly to a lawyer to send a letter off to her husband.

But what her girlfriend does not merely understand is by changing the content. Nothing will change in her life. We need to change this person’s context. We need to make her understand why she feels the way she does and empowers her to change because what’s going to happen. As soon as though all of the legal stuff has gone through, it’s gonna get nasty. Because of the girlfriend’s inner read, telling her what to do and what not to do. She doesn’t have someone on her side that it is not emotionally attached. That can see the situation for what it is. That can talk to her about the context of her beliefs and the stories. 

Just imagine, Oh, he did this to you, I can’t believe he did that. Or we can’t allow that to happen. Whatever stories are being told to this person are encouraging her behaviour. And that’s where all of the drama happens. That’s why so many people make mistakes, and that’s how they remain struggling, separated and become part of the 70%. And 90%.

And it’s a perpetual problem that I witnessed day after day. So if we don’t start changing the context of your beliefs, we are not going to change your life. So you might be asking me, okay, Tanya. Well, how, how do you do that? Well, it’s simple. We have a program called Restore Me, and it is going through a five-week process that unravels all of this stuff for.

Our clients, they get to really look in the mirror as to what has happened, why they think the way they do. Now. I’m probably telling you all of this a little bit early, because we’re not opening this program again this year until, um, well actually we’re not opening it at all also this year. It’s gonna open January next year.

I think about the 15th. We’ll get the dates when they’re ready. Changing the context of your life will change how you make all of your decisions moving forward. Now, this is the problem. Once again, if you do not change your context, you do not change your stories, how you live on autopilot habits, then you’re just going to make the same mistakes over and over again.

No one wants to do that. I certainly don’t want to. I’ve spent many years of evolving and trying to really look at my issues. I’m the first to say by no means, am I anything but broken at the end of my marriage? And I needed to put all the pieces back together, but not just that. I’d fully been trained to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the person that I was and divorce became for me a time of enlightenment. There’s no doubt about it. It was like a restart. I’ve gone through these last 22 years of marriage, and this was the person I was it’s now time for me to be a better person, and I need to stand up, and I need to look at what went wrong. And I need to now change that so that I don’t make these same mistakes again.

And that comes back to me doing such a little work in the context area. So, hopefully, this has made sense for you. I’m going to talk about this over the next few weeks because it’s so critically important. You can change the content of your life, but you must change the context to really succeed. All right.

My darling people, it was so lovely talking to you again this week, and I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye. For now.

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