In many situations, fear can keep us alive or give us the strength necessary to overcome specific challenges. It is an instinctive reaction that kept alive our ancestors for generations. But what happens when we get stuck in fear? What is the result of being incapable of reacting because of fear? 

Sometimes we are so scared that we can’t do any of the things we are supposed to do. We get trapped in inaction, which can be both costly and dangerous. 

In this episode, I want to talk about fear and being scared. Being afraid is not a problem; we must be aware of what we do with that fear. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

What I’ve achieved so far and how it can help you [00:03:00] 

We are responsible for our own happiness [00:06:00] 

An example of how things can be different in our lives [00:09:00] 

The things we carry from one relationship to the next [00:12:00] 

Why we should have a strategy of our next steps [00:14:00]

Links 

 

Restore Me – Waiting List

https://www.tanyasomerton.com/RMWaitList

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I wanted to talk today about something that I think many of us have felt, or you might even be feeling right now. In the last few days, I’ve had quite a few clarity calls with clients about what needs to happen and the steps they need to take.

And there’s something that runs through each and every one of us. Whether we’ve already been through the divorce or whether we’re in the process of doing it now, or even just contemplating it, and that’s fear, we’re all fearful, and it’s okay. So I want to tell you it’s okay to be scared. Because what happens when we’re afraid?

It means that we think through things,

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contemplate our decisions, and do that for an excellent reason. We want to make sure what we’re doing is the right thing to do. When we think about something so much, the problem here becomes that we’re so fearful, we get stuck in inaction. And that’s a dangerous place to be because I’ve also chatted with people, and to be honest, I was there probably myself for some time. And that’s where you go over and over and over again in your head. I call the monkey mind to continually go over it, thinking about all the consequences and what will happen. And when we do that, We become paralyzed by the fear.

And when we’re paralyzed, what happens is we just stay where we are. I often ask those people I’m talking to when I have clarity calls is what the cost of your inaction is? And I want you to think about that. What is the price of doing nothing? If you do nothing, where would you be into three, five years from now?

If nothing changes, how much has that costume and that they’re my friends is what you should really be fearful of, fearful of not changing, afraid of knowing inside of yourself that something’s just not right. Let you know you have to do something about your situation, but you’re so fearful of the consequences that you simply don’t react.

And I’ve been working on a presentation today, and it came back to me, the life that I lived after I’ve left my first marriage. And. I can tell you right now, I’m so proud of what I was able to achieve. I mean, years ago, I wouldn’t have said that, but this is the truth. You know, when I left my marriage, I’d been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years, with three children.

So I hadn’t been in the workforce for many years, and everything just changes and evolves so quickly. And in our world, especially today, I still found somewhere disability to the side of myself. You can stay in this big house with a tennis court in the pool. You can stay as what your friends called you, the hallmark family.

And that becomes part of the problem because I was pretending all the time. I felt like I was just living someone else’s life. I was pretending that I was happy when I was so, so sad. And I had to make the decision. Do I actually continue where I am? Or what is this costing me? Many people think about what it’s costing them if they leave, but what’s it going to cost you if you stay.

And I go back to the start where I said, it’s okay to be scared. That’s okay. Because that’s your body telling you that you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone, you’re doing something, I mean that you didn’t expect to do, or you probably weren’t even prepared to do. And that’s why service such as mine is invaluable because there’s nothing to be scared of.

Because if I’ve got the answers and I can tell you where to go and what to do, and how to put the plan in place, all you’ve got to do is just follow the breadcrumbs that I put out.

Because if you don’t, the cost of staying is not only years of your life, but it’s years of happiness. Especially if you’re not happy, if you’re not satisfied, it’s no one else’s responsibility to make you happy, but yourself. And it took me a hell of a long time to actually even learn that it took me such a long time to think it wasn’t my ex-husband’s fault.

It’s not my now husband’s issue either. It’s not his job to make me happy. I’m the person that makes me happy. I’m the person that feels fulfilled. I’m the person that can understand what I should do. And when I should do it, that’s no one else’s choice. And how far I’ve come. Some days I sit back, and I look up in the sky and think, wow, the simplest things bring me such joy.

The simplest things that I probably took for granted before, because the pine of the hurt of staying in the unhappiness, what it did is it deemed out everything else around me because the loneliness inside was what continues to churn around and around it. And some of you might have been there.

Some of you may be there right now. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? That pain of I’ve got to do something, but I just don’t want to do it. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable. I know it’s not going to be easy, but also rationally in my head. I know that I have to do something because things just can’t stay as they are if I don’t.

So it’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be frightened, but it’s what you do with that. And it’s how you use that energy. That really is the critical thing because I can tell you right now, just as much as you are scared or frightened, so is your partner. He or she is feeling exactly the same way. Maybe even worse. And it’s not a competition. It’s not a race to say who feels the worst or who can say, you know, the most awful things. It’s actually a competition to work together to try and get through this as effortlessly as possible. And make sure that you’re on the science team because when you can come up with a scenario that is a win-win for both parties, and you’re there for each other, it means that you’re out actually celebrating the life that you had rather than sitting back and looking at all of this went wrong.

This wasn’t really what I expected. When you end the relationship, and you’re arguing or being hateful towards each other, or you’re even angry at your partner, the most amazing thing is in that position, your partner has no idea whatsoever those feelings that you’re feeling. So the only person that’s actually getting upset by those emotions is you. So let me just tell you a story about something that happened to me on the weekend. And this is how far I’ve come.

I suppose this is a reminiscing podcast today. My first husband was extremely controlling. So for the 22 years that we were married, I’d only ever spent two nights away from him. Wherever I went, he would go with me, and if we ever went on holidays, we all went together. It was, you know, I’d never really had a girl’s white candle, anything like that until I’d left the relationship.

And that obviously, as you can see, was part of the problem. I felt trapped a lot of the time. Now, my new beautiful husband, Richard, he’s the complete opposite. And this is where we have to be very careful what we wish for. So I wanted a person who loves me, and I met a boss. I wanted a person who would trust me.

We’d never second. Guess what I was doing and gave me freedom. That’s who I found when I married Richard. He’s all of those things. So this weekend, he was away to efficient competition and all I was going out on Saturday night with some girlfriends, and I was talking to him on the phone, and I hung up, and I thought to myself, he didn’t even ask me where I was going, and I took it as he didn’t care.

But then you’ve heard me before. If you’ve been listening to the podcast long enough, I always suggest we go through the seven reasons. So in my head, I went through all of the reasons possibly he didn’t care, or he didn’t ask the question. And, and by the end of it, by the time I got out with the girls, I was fine.

I’d sort of got over whatever it was. It was annoying me at that time. That’s how far I’ve come. 10 years ago, that would have been something that probably would’ve annoyed me, but I’ve learnt the skills, and I teach the skills to get through that emotional baggage now. So it’s not up to him. How I feel after he does something that’s up to me. Then the next day, I was talking to him when he was driving home. And I said, Hey, babe, you didn’t even ask me where I went last night. And he said to me, but I didn’t need to ask you because I trust you. I know that you’re going to be okay. Um, I know that if you need to tell me something you’re going to say to me, here’s the thing I wished for that person.

I wished for that man to be my husband, and that’s who he is. But then when it doesn’t suit me, I wanna, you know, drill him about why aren’t you inquiring as to where I’m going or what I’m up to. And this is the problem that we have when we move into a new relationship. I mean, I teach this stuff, but I’m still dealing with it day after day.

Just like you guys are, this is something that we have to continue to work and evolve on, but it’s, it’s that beauty of the awareness because before I didn’t have the understanding, and now I do, so I stopped myself. I asked myself seven reasons why, and by just doing that simple exercise, it changes.

Everything that I think I deflect my own emotions. I get rid of my old habits. I get rid of the meaning that I was giving because I gave it some sense that he didn’t care about me when the actual opposite is so true. He really does care so much about me, but he trusts me so much that he doesn’t need to ask one a month too.

And so when we’re talking about fear, I’m here to tell you that once you move through whatever it is that you’re dealing with right now when you set your intention is nothing decided, everything you wish for can not come true because it’s certainly happened to me. I wanted a husband that wasn’t controlling, and that’s what I’ve got. So don’t be fearful. Get excited. Because the future can be anything you wanted to be, but the cost of inaction, the cost of leading in fear means you’re just going to stay where you are. And what is that going to cost you in the long run? Because that they’re, my friends, is what should be helping you step forward. What should be helping you get moving, get a strategy together, understand what you need to do because all of the information is out there?

You just have to go searching for it. And like I said to one client today, this promise I can make. Each and every one of you will be okay. It just depends on what time means for you. We all have a different interpretation, just like me. If I think being okay is living in that big house with the tennis court and the pool, if that was what my okay, my benchmark, I certainly don’t leave that life to die. 

I’m in a completely different way. I’m okay in ways that are far more important to me. And you can be like that too. So if you got to know more about how I can help you, why don’t you book a clarity call?

You can get onto www.tanyasomerton.com and booking a clarity call. I’d love to have a chat with you and just help you understand you do not need to be scared; there’s help available. And when the knowledge of knowing that it’s just a bread crumb after a breadcrumb, after a bread crumb, and eventually you get to work there, that’s all that matters. And I promise you you’ll be okay.

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