Wanting always more and working hard to get better is a worthy journey all of us should embark on. But sometimes, it can be a dangerous trip; we might get too attached to an outcome. Attachment can be tricky; it can cloud our judgement and make us get stuck. It can also happen with people; we might get too emotionally attached to someone, which is never the best option. 

In this episode, we will talk about how helpful it is to let go and ground the construction of our happiness in ourselves, not on a determined outcome or person. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Making big decisions based on our happiness [00:03:00] 

All of us can find happiness [00:06:00] 

Attachment is what causes most of our problems [00:09:00] 

The expectations of what we think we should receive [00:12:00] 

Appreciating each moment of our lives [00:15:00]

Links

Book: David R. Hawkins – Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

Restore Me – Waiting List

https://www.tanyasomerton.com/RMWaitList

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. It’s the Easter long weekend for wherever you are in the world right now, and whether you celebrate Easter or not, I just really want to wish you a precious time. And I hope no matter your circumstances or situation, you have spent some quality time with your family and the people who really love and care for you.

And for that reason, I wanted to give you a little bit of a pep talk today, if that’s okay. I wanted to talk about where you might find yourself in life right now because if you’re listening to the podcast, it’s because you’re struggling with a relationship or you’ve already separated. You’re just looking for all of the little breadcrumbs, and you follow the breadcrumbs to get to the outcome of whatever it is that you need to do to get to your happy place, whatever that is. That’s what we all want. Don’t we? We just want to be happy.

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If you’ve been listening long enough, you hear me talk about, you need to be the person you want to be to really have the life you want to have.

It’s the whole be, do have scenario. What we do in life is we do it the wrong way around. We always say, If we have this, then we can do that. Then we can be who we need to be. And it’s, it’s wrong. It’s flawed because the difference is when you be the person that has what you want in life, that means when you be that person by the identity and how you act and treat other people and even treat yourself. After all, this is what we want to talk about today.

When you treat yourself like you are that person you want to be, everything starts to fall into place because you make the decisions you’re driving from that end goal. Not from where you are right now, because let’s think about it. If you make a decision today when you feel unhappy or lonely or.

Depressed, whatever your situation might be, you’re going to make the decision of that person. Now, the decision of that person would not be the same decision that you would make. If you were the person, you wanted to be in life. So that person that you wanted to be. I was happy and had, you know, no issues, no problems.

What would that decision be? And I often think about these when I’m contemplating big things, and I’ll say to myself, Tanya, if you had everything you’ve wanted and where you want to end up in life, what would your decision pay right now? Especially when it’s around money because I might say to myself, I can’t really afford that purchase, or I can’t really afford that thing right now.

So probably I’m better off not to do it now. Here’s the problem we thinking like that once I have whatever it is that I want, whatever that may be, it’s either going to expedite, whatever it is.

I’m striving to get, or it might help with my identity, or it might help with how I feel. So if I want to feel a certain way by having a specific item or object.

It might make me feel like I have succeeded. If I decide from being that successful person, it would be entirely different for me making the decision from an unsuccessful person. And that’s why I’m making a decision from being who you want to be is so incredibly important because you may never be that person if you don’t.

When you decide from being that person, you’re in energy, your aura people gravitate to you. You seem to be happier. Everything is so different. Let me explain this a little more because let’s imagine where you may or may not be in life right now. So you could be, for instance, in an unhappy relationship. You could be feeling incredibly lonely and unloved.

You might be feeling like your world is in a mess. You could be looking for something. You think that something is missing in your life. So you’re looking for something, but you can’t really tell what it eats. And you say to yourself, I will know what it is when I find it. Now, what do all of these things have in common?

It doesn’t matter what part of life you’re in. Doesn’t matter which one of those may relate or may not relate to you. But it doesn’t matter which one we’re talking about. They all have one thing in common. And that thing that they have in common is you. Whatever one of those you are struggling with right now in your life, the one common denominator we all have is whatever one of these problems.

We all feel them ourselves. So it’s, it’s you and me. So whichever one of those you are dealing with right now, the common denominator we had is that we all feel these feelings ourselves. It doesn’t matter where we are in life. It doesn’t matter what way feeling right now.

We all can find happiness, but so many people don’t know how to find happiness.

So a client of mine recently, I helped him go through his divorce probably three years now. So he’s just finished a relationship; probably it’s been going for a year.

So he’s had a few months off, and recently he met someone new. And this morning he said to me after he’d been married for 20 odd years to his, his wife, So we, they got, as I said, separated, divorced three years ago, he’s just finished a, a one-year relationship and started a new relationship in the last few weeks.

And he said to me today, he said, Tanya, I don’t think I ever truly knew what love was. He said I don’t truly understand. What it’s like to be happy until now. And I asked him, what do you think has made such a difference? And he said, Oh, that’s easy. And I’ll be honest. I thought he was going to tell this new person he’s in the relationship with.

And he said it’s me. The reason that everything is falling into place is that I am now happy. He said I know what I want. Now I know how to adjust, appreciate the simple things in life. I know how to enjoy my time with my children. And he goes, I’ll sometimes just lookout, I look up into the sky, and I think to myself, even if this was just all there was. He said I would be happy right now. I’ve learned to appreciate the elementary things in life. And because of that, anything else that comes along, I’m not attached to it. Now, this is the key, my friends, and this is the key right here. Attachment is what causes so many problems, so many issues. Whether we’re attached to an outcome or to a person, whether we’re attached to a decision, it’s that attachment that causes us the problem.

Because if we’re attached to thinking that our life will be this way or that way, or that the person we married will provide us with this, or provide us with that. Or whether we have these expectations that we will be successful. Skews me, we will be successful in life, or we won’t be that’s where the issues lie.

It comes back to the attachment. So even though he’s now found this person. He said to me, he goes, you know, when you first meet someone, you know, that there’s something special. And I said yes. And he said, I know that this person is unique. I know that this person is different from anyone else I’ve had in my life because it feels so natural.

He goes, I don’t need to try and be anyone else; I can be myself. And he said as much as I already think I am falling in love with this person, I’m not attached to the outcome. I’m just enjoying each and every day. And because of that, no matter what happens with the relationship. He’s just enjoying right now.

He’s just growing and evolving as a person, as a human. And he’s enjoying each moment. Like he’s taking the time to savour the moment and sign. Many of us just don’t do this. So many of us just go through our life. We’re busy, busy all of the time. And we have signed much to do. We have so much that we think is expected of us.

And because of that, the pressure, the overwhelm of getting all of this done is what we’re attached to. So I want to recommend a book. I want to tell you about a book that is, without a doubt, the most extraordinary thing I think I’ve ever read. Every time I read it, it’s like I’m reading a whole new book and the book is called Letting Go.

And it’s by a man called Dr David Hawkins. And. David goes through the book in-depth on subjects. And this client of mine has also read this book now quite a few times. In the book letting go, he said it became evident to me the attachment I had taught—everything in my life. I was attached to who I should have been as a father.

I was attached to the outcome I should have had as a business owner. I was attached to what I thought, the average family or the right sort of family. And as we all know, there’s no such thing as just an average family every day anymore. We’re all so different. Whether, you know, we’re just a single mother with a child, whether we’re two fathers and some children, two mothers with some children, whether we’re a mother or father, grandparents, you know, aunties and uncles, all living in a house.

It doesn’t matter just as long as we are with the people we love, but this is the thing. When we let go of expectations of what we think we should be achieving, what we think is normal, what we think is expected, and appreciate the little things that happen every day. And he said that really what our life is all about.

Isn’t that really what we should be doing. We should be sitting down and just savouring each moment.

We should be so grateful for spending time, even just a little bit, a little bit of time that we might be able to get from someone that we genuinely love, whether that be our children, whether it be a parent, whether it be someone in our life.

And the reason that I love this book letting go so much is that it’s certainly how I’ve been living my life. I had all of these expectations of what a marriage should be in my current marriage in my first marriage. I have no expectations but what I do is I just let every day be. Every day is just what it, whatever it needs to be.

But I sit down, and I appreciate each moment. I take the time to say to the conversation, and even if he’s off doing something that he loves, I am so grateful that he’s having a good time. Well, previous to this, I would have probably been jealous that my ex-husband was off doing something for himself. So as we grow through adult life, expectations of ourselves become different, but letting go or not being attached to an outcome is brilliant.

And this also happens when we’re going through a separation or a divorce. If you are attached to an outcome, you expect what you think you should get. What you’re entitled to, what you think is fair. That’s when things can start to really unravel back and begin to get out of control.

Because you’ve got these expectations, your ex-partner has the exact expectations, and that’s when we start to find that things just don’t go well. In the book, he talks about a couple going through a divorce, and he talks about how the husband wanted something from the wife. And she knew that he wanted it and she wasn’t going to give it to him.

And then one night, even though he really wanted it, he thought to himself, what difference is it going to make? I’m just going to let it go. I’ve got no expectations either way. If I get it, I’ll be happy. And if I don’t get it. Oh, well, I’ll still be satisfied. It’s not going to change my life. And what happened was the moment he let go of the expectations.

What happened was he got a message from his ex-wife to say, I’m actually going to pack this up and send it to you. And it’s uncanny because we’ve tested this. It’s uncanny how this happens in life. It’s uncanny when you let go of whatever it is that you’re holding onto things, just start to flow things.

That’s what’s so important. So if there’s anything you can take away from this podcast today, even if this isn’t making sense. Or you’re not in any of these situations right now, just listen to this one piece of advice that I’m giving to you. In any area of your life right now, whether it be that you want a promotion, whether it be that you want something from your marriage, whether it be that you want something from your partner that you’re not getting, whether it be that you’ve met someone new and it’s just not working like your youth, I thought it should just sit with it.

Ask yourself. What is the feeling that you were feeling about the situation? Why do you think the way you do? What is the expectation that you have once she can pinpoint what that feeling is? Allow it to be. Just allow it, feel it, and then just let it go. Let it go. That if you get the promotion, you’re happy.

And if you don’t, you’ll still be happy. Let it go. That is, your ex-husband or your ex-wife is not treating you. How they, you know, he should be traded. It’s let it go because there’s nothing you can do about someone else. Or you can do worry about yourself. And that’s okay. We want to be the best people we can in our lives.

The world needs each and every one of us to step up and do more. And if we all let go, if we all just did the best we possibly could, the world would be just such a fantastic place. And we’re all doing our little bit. We’re all just doing our little bit. And I know if you’re listening to this, you’re trying to be the best person you can be.

You’re looking for the answers to have the best life you possibly can, but go and get a copy of David’s book. It’s an excellent, fantastic book. It’s called Letting Go. It’s, without a doubt, probably the best book I’ve ever read when it comes to this subject.

All right. Well, that’s it for me this week. I hope you have a fantastic week. Send me an email. Let me know what you think after you’ve read the letting go book. Let me know if you’ve got any value out of it because I’d love to hear. And if there’s anything we can do to help you get onto my website, www.tanyasomerton.com, because we’re here to help.

We’re here to make your life a little bit easier. All right, then, my darling friends, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

 

 

 

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