The way we respond to what happens to us depends on how we were moulded to be. The tools we have available are either the ones we got from our parents or those we picked up along the way. But what if those tools are not the ones we need to be who we really are meant to be? How can we build something that can’t be made with the tools we have? 

In this episode, we will understand who we are, why we behave the way we do, and the best way of changing that and rediscovering who we are meant to be. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

How we start getting moulded in our childhood [00:03:00]

We get to colour our book with the pencils we were given [00:06:00] 

What makes us feel complete [00:09:00] 

Realizing that we must stop repeating our habits [00:12:00] 

Wearing the brightest clothes [00:15:00] 

We must stop telling ourselves we are not good enough [00:18:00] 

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

 

Hey there. How are you today? And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m your host, Tonya Somerton. And I’m here today to talk to you about rediscover who you were meant to be. This is easier said than done because if we think about it, we are born; we are moulded into who we are.

Then we go to school and get moulded even more to become who society says we should be. Then, in many cases, we either go off to university or get a job for some of us like myself. We go and get married really early. Others continue a long travelling. Maybe they think they have freedom. That could be you, perhaps you thought you had freedom, you had experiences, and there’s no doubt making memories, but ask yourself I, you actually, who you were meant to be.

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And it’s a callous question because if I think about it, that’s because all I really can do is talk about my own experience. After all, I know it to be accurate. But with me, I grew up, and I was always told, be a good girl. You know, don’t talk back, be seen, not heard. Now, I’m not sure if he got told that, but be seen, not heard.

So I was actually never really able to express what I felt or. Tell someone that I felt said, whatever, whatever it was. I often remember just sitting there, even though I felt like I had to say something or I wanted to say something, but I was told she doesn’t talk back. You know, quiet little girls are meant to be seen, not heard.

And then what happened when I got married, when my ex-husband would talk to me. And even though I felt like I deserved the ability to voice how I felt because I’d been moulded into being this little girl that was told to be seen, not heard. I would actually think twice; it felt very, very uncomfortable for me to actually talk about my feelings or what I wanted to say because in the back of my head subconsciously, I had my parents and my grandparents and whoever my elders were telling me, little girls should be saying, not hurt now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m my brother heard the same thing. So this is not just what little girls heard. This is, my brother listened to this as well. So what I’m saying is, as we are born, and we grow up, we get moulded into being who we are and that, my friend is where the problem becomes, because how can you re rediscover who you were meant to be?

If you don’t actually know who that was in the first place, but for me. Not only was I told those little things or those things as a child, but then when I got married, I got moulded again. So I got developed into being who my ex-husband wanted me to be. And now. When I say that, I don’t mean that I did it willingly, and I was forced to do it.

I did it because I thought that’s what a good wife does. So there are two distinct two distinctions here. I was not forced to mould that way. I did it willingly because I thought that’s what I needed to do to be a good wife. Makes sense. So I learned to compromise. I believed in someone else because that’s what we do when we’re married.

And we love someone, we believe in them because if we don’t believe in them, what are we doing together? So I felt in my ex-husband, and then I become, or I grew to believe in what he thought because that just made sense to me. And then I trusted him more than anything. So those three things I learned to compromise, I believed in him so much, and I trusted what he said to be true because I thought that was what we were in this together to do.

So what happened was because I was doing all of those things. This is where the trouble became because I was compromising. I felt uneasy inside of me, but I couldn’t actually at that period pinpoint what it was that made me think the way I did. And because I believed in someone else so much, guess what?

I stopped believing in myself because I thought that person was always right. Or I thought that person was more intelligent. Or I thought that person had the right idea for our future. And even when I wanted to talk up or say, actually, could we do something else in the back of my head? I would go back to, oh, you need to be a good girl.

Don’t talk back. Be seen, not heard. And then what happened? Because I trusted someone else. I lost trust in myself. I lost faith in what is it that I’m actually feeling. Are these thoughts that I’m having actually true and correct? Or am I just making this up? I lost belief in myself. And when you get to a stage, when all of a sudden that becomes this melting pot inside of you, and you know that you’ve got to do something, that’s when in a lot of cases, the problems start.

They start internally to start with, and then externally, they begin to poke their head out because you start to speak back. You begin to think, well, actually, maybe that person’s right or wrong. Maybe, I could actually have these beliefs if I wanted to now; how can I be who I was meant to be.

When everything has been coloured by other people’s vision, it was coloured by my parents. And I have to say these, they weren’t being mean or nasty or anything like that. They were bringing me up to be the best person they thought I could be. So there was no malice in this. This was from my parents and grandparents being very good people, thinking that that’s what I needed to hear for me to be a perfect adult.

So they coloured. My vision of what my life should be. And then when I got married, really young, I’ve spoken about this before I was married at the age of 21 and had three children by the age of 25. So by the time I was 25, I’d already moulded into this wife and mother. I was still when I look at it. Now I still a child, but I was being coloured.

My, my life was being coloured in by the vision of other people. So when I say I needed to rediscover who I was meant to be, and you could be in this very same position right now, it’s so tough because we’re leaving through everyone asks his eyes, not through our own. And I can’t be me because I’ve become everything.

Everyone else thought I should be.

I was being everything that everyone else thought I should be.

And we think, okay, the, by walking collectively, willingly, openly. We give of ourselves. We believe that that’s what’s going to bring us happiness. We believe that by following the rules, everything will work out, and we’ll be fine. We believe that love will make us whole,

but making you complete is not something that someone else should do; making you complete, which I’ve come to learn, is my responsibility, not yours. You can’t make me whole that’s up to me. The decision for me to be happy or to be fulfilled is my responsibility. It’s not yours. It’s not my ex-husband. It’s not my new husband.

He’s not my children. It’s not my mother, my father, my friends. It’s my choice. I get to choose because I may have been telling myself all of those stories once I realized that none of that was true. And actually, I could colour my life, how I wanted to colour it. That’s when I was able to start to discover.

Because it’s tough to rediscover if you haven’t first discovered who you were meant to be in the first place. Right. So let’s just discuss for a moment what rediscover means actually. So the Cambridge dictionary says to find something again, after losing or forgetting about it for an extended period or losing or forgetting.

What if we never actually knew what it was that we needed to rediscover to start with. What if you never discovered it in the first place? And that is actually what is causing the pain and the sadness in your life right now. Whatever that pain or sadness might be for you, whether it is an unhappy relationship, whether it is that you’ve already left and you’re feeling at fault, I’m here to tell you, this is not your fault.

I’m here to tell you. Just like I said, at the start, we are coloured to be who we are out, you know, imagine our life. And the reason I’m using the word coloured because as a little girl, I always got given colouring books with a set of colouring pencils and be told to go and sit down. And I used to love colouring in between the lines.

So for me, My life is like a colouring book. When I was born, I just got given this outline of who it is I was meant to be. And then I could colour those, those pictures anyway, I wanted to, but unfortunately, I would be colouring in something only with the coloured pencil that someone asked gave me.

Hopefully, this is making sense to you. I’m trying to use the analogy that. If you can imagine a colouring book and you’ve got 12 coloureds pencils. That’s okay. But if you were only given a black and white pencil or a black, white, and red pencil, and they are the only pencils you got provided, then your picture will only be in those colours.

But now it’s time for you to go, you know what? I’m going to rebel that out. And this is going to be the most beautiful colouring I’ve ever done because you get to do it your way, because how can it be your fault if you only got given three pencils? Yes. If there’s a rainbow of pencils out, they don’t. You want to use each of them because of the pain and the sadness you feel.

It is simply what you have been given so far, but the choice is yours. So the fulfilment that you want in your life can continue just to be those three colours that you’ve had up until this date. Or you can actually start to add some more to your repertoire. You can begin to say, okay, This is the thing, right?

You can stop repeating your old habits because many of us walk around our lives. Like we are just simply zombies. We have patterns day in, day out that we continue to do over and over again. And when I used to work in the city, the patent I saw was that people will. When someone crossed the crossing, everyone was travelling the same way.

I remember making a point of going; I do not want to be in the middle of that pack, crossing that crossing. Like it was an actual thought that I had. And I remember when someone pressed the button and everyone was travelling. You know, at the lights that we’re all just doing it together. They looked robotic; they looked like, seriously, all of these people were zombies.

There was no life in them. I felt no energy coming from anyone. And it got so bad that I stopped working in the city simply because of that reason, like, I felt so heavy and dark when I would go in there because I’ve felt everyone’s, um, Well, I felt no life. The truth of the matter was felt like it was dead.

Now, if you work in the city, I’m not having a go at you. Or if you work in a, in a big corporate office, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with that because I still went there, but I made a point of wearing the brightest coloured clothes. I made a point that when everyone was crossing the crossing, I would go the other way.

I did not want to become part of the pack. I did not want to do it. Everyone else did because otherwise, what it reminded me of was doing what I was told. Be a good girl. Don’t talk back, be seen, not heard, and we’re not doing anything that society doesn’t ask us to do, but that’s what brings on happiness.

And if the fulfilment is inside of you, it’s your choice to either find it, or it’s your choice to go and rediscover what it was that made you happy in the first place. But you have to stop repeating your old habits. You have to stop doing what makes everyone else happy. And you said, I hear this all the time.

People are telling me, oh, I have to do this for such and such, or I have to go and do this because someone’s asked me to stop saying yes. When all you want to do is say no. Stop saying yes. And this was big for me, massive because of how I was bought up. And because I got married so young, I always felt that I had to put everyone else before me.

I always felt like everyone else’s happiness was my job. I would make sure that everyone asks was okay. I would make sure that all of my children were looked after, which that’s what’s mum. That’s what mothers and fathers do. So I’m not saying that that’s that by any means was a chore, but I’m saying that’s how I was moulded in being who I was.

Okay. When I started to say no, it felt so uncomfortable. Oh my goodness. Did it feel awkward? I never said no before. And I felt so much guilt because here we are; this is the thing about humans. We’re so good. Yeah. Putting blame back on ourselves to make us wear it, rather than give it, you know, then for someone else to feel it.

And. I’d say no. And then I’d think, oh my goodness, now that person’s got this issue, but it wasn’t mine to start with. Right. It wasn’t my issue to fix or address, to begin with. They were just pushing it onto me, and then I would take it on board and have to go and fix it. So not only do you need to stop saying yes.

When you want to say no. You need to stop the negative. Self-talk is my goodness. It’s every way every person I talk to they’re forever in this perpetual loop of self negativity. Stop doing all the things that make you unhappy. Stop telling yourself you’re not good enough. Stop telling yourself you can’t trust yourself.

Stop telling yourself you’re not smart enough. Just stop it. Because it’s all of that, that is keeping you where you are. So these are the consequences, right? If you want to change and you want to rediscover who it is that you’re actually meant to stop all the things that haven’t worked so far in your life, because if you don’t, what’s going to happen, you’re going to be the same person you are right now in five, 10, 15, 20 years.

And he’s the question I want to leave with you to think about right now. I really want you to think about this. I want you to ask yourself, what is that going to cost you? What is that going to cost you? And are you ready to pay that price? Because it’s up to you. All right. My friend, this has been a little bit of a heavy one, hasn’t it?

But really think about it. What is it going to cost you? If you don’t change, if you continue to stay who you are, there’s nothing wrong with that, but remember none of this is your fault. We have been moulded to become who we are. You get to pick up your colouring pencils and change your life. If you want to, you can make it brighter.

You’re the person that’s responsible; no one else is. It’s no one else’s responsibility to make you happy. It’s your responsibility you get to choose. And that’s where the power is. So ask yourself, how much will it cost you if you do not do anything about your situation? Okay, well, I’ll talk to you again next week.

Bye. For now.

 

 

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