Many times, divorce is the tree that won’t let us see the wood. We tend to act based on our emotions, and when that happens, we usually make the wrong choice. It is perhaps one of the hardest things to do, but we need to focus on making changes in the context of our lives. 

A simple way to put it would be, we need to make decisions today that our future self will thank us we did. In this episode, we will unravel the reasons why separation is a time of confusion.

Let’s get into it

 

Timestamps

What happens when we don’t change our context [00:03:00] 

Making our best to avoid repeating errors from the past [00:07:00] 

The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow [00:11:00] 

What happens when we have vision and certainty [00:14:00] 

We can change our context at any age [00:17:00] 

Links 

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome back to the divorce angel podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. And for those of you who don’t know me, I’m a divorce strategist. I help people put together the pieces of their life. That they’ve just got no idea because they’re so confused and overwhelmed by the emotional turmoil they’re going through.

They just can’t see what their future might look like. And having done this for quite a few years now, I see day after day, people make. Um, decisions mostly on the emotions rather than the facts.

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So the key of my podcast is to share as much information as I possibly can with you, because there are not too many people giving away this information that can make a difference to your legal bill, and it can make a massive difference to your life. And the choices you make when you’re going through this period of your life. So let’s get into today’s podcast and, um, I wanted to talk about. The clarity to be honest, uh, having a few divorce roadmap sessions this week with clients, and talking to a few people who want to come on board, it’s evident that people are so confused and they’ve got every right to be.

And it comes back to something I’ve spoken about in previous podcasts. So let’s just reiterate on that again, to make it really clear to you. Why it’s so crucial at a time like this, to understand what it is that you really want. So we all know separation is a time of confusion. People often say it’s an experience that provides the most significant conflict in life.

And this is what I mean. I’m not talking about external conflict. I’m not talking about war with your ex or, you know, friends who want to put in there to family members who want to tell you what to do. I’m not talking about external conflict. I’m talking about internal conflict. Because it’s the internal conflicts, which just spoken about before when I talk about the whole context versus content conversation that we had a few podcasts ago if you haven’t listened to that podcast, I really recommend you go back and make yourself familiar with the content versus context concept that I talk about a lot of there.

Um, Because you can move out. So have an environment. You can change who you’re married to. You can change your job. You can do a whole lot when it comes to the content of your life, life. But if you don’t change the context, you’re wasting your time. And let me explain why the site of the figure. 45 to 50%, depending on the country you live in a first-time marriage fail 70%.

It’s such a high number, 70% of second-time marriages and 90% of third-time marriages fail. And why. The reason that they forget is that people are not changing the context of their life. They want to go about things as they always have. They want to pretend like they had no fault in the relationship, not working.

And I’m here to tell you my friends that will not. Work. If you want to have a successful life after separation or divorce, you must change the context you leave. That’s your ideas that your belief sets your identity, divorce or separation is a time of evolution. It’s time to grow. To change, to learn, to look back and go, this is what I could have done differently.

This is what maybe was, I need to put my hand up and say, you know what? This was my issue to deal with. And if you’ve listened to me long enough, you will know I do not work with people that blame their partner for everything. I do not work with people that blame their partner for everything. And this might be hard to hear, but it’s true.

It’s right at a really, um, identity level, even people in relationships, which are being treated really poorly. They stay because of the context of their life. They remain, unfortunately, because they don’t understand how valuable they are to the world. They don’t know that they are essential and they’ve got every right to stand up and say, no, you can’t treat me like this.

I’m not going to allow this to happen any longer. But unfortunately, the context of their life is. Really sad. And it’s that they’ve been treated in a way, like the wounded dog, like the dog that gets hit across the ears. Every time they do something wrong, you know, whether it be verbally or physically, they are beaten into submission, and they are trained to be who they are.

That all sounds so terrible. I know. And I’m sorry to explain it that way, but I’m trying to get it across in an effortless manner. So you understand. That even though they’ve been trained. To be that way inside, deep inside, they know who they indeed are. They know that this is not okay. They know that they need to get out, but they’re just looking, they’re searching.

They’re hoping that something will come along that will help them to give them freedom. And if you’re anyone like that right now, my heart goes out to you because. It is a challenging situation to be in. I’m not underestimating that for one minute. And unfortunately what happens is it gets to a stage where it’s been happening for so long.

It’s then so hard to come back from. But for all of the new people going into their second and the third relationships, when they stand up at the very beginning and say, no, this is not going to happen to me. I’m not going to allow this. I’m not going back into the old patterns that maybe I used to before.

That’s when people’s lives changed. That’s when they know their value each, and every one of us brings something to this world that is so valuable. And I spoke about this last week. People often search for their purpose. And when I got the letter from my daughter, I stopped and wondered is my purpose.

Simply just to be Teagan’s mother. Is that what my purpose is, because is it Teagan, that’s going to make a difference in this world, but each and every one of us has a connection to something else that brings forth some greatness. Yes. And we sit. Yeah. Which for that purpose that gets us out of bed every morning, that keeps us going.

But what if I fulfilled my purpose? What if that’s what I was here to do? And I’ve done a lot of souls searching on that over this Christmas, new year period, because if that is all that was meant to happen. Well, I’m incredibly grateful, but then because of the context of my life, because I’ve continued to grow and evolve and not stay the person I was when I was married to her father.

Other great opportunities have a reason have turned up, and that’s why I’m able to help you because I stood up, even though I was fearful, even though when I started this podcast, I thought to myself, no, one’s going to want to listen to me. What have I got to say that could help someone else? And then my mentor told me.

I must do this. He said you must stand up because even if only one person listens to what you’ve got to say, and you help one person, that one person could be the thing or the entity that goes out and changes the world. Me just having a ripple effect on maybe a decision that you make. That’s good enough for me.

It doesn’t need to be massive. It can just be that for me because you’re going to do the enormous thing or Teagan’s going to do the vast something. Hopefully, that makes sense. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself that your purpose or whatever it is that you think you’re here to do is so big that it’s unachievable.

But suppose we get back to content versus context. In that case, the exciting thing is that when we change our context in our life, especially if we’re chasing things like happiness or contentment or simply don’t come when we change the content, they might change for a very, very short period.

Because the energy around us isn’t as hurtful, aggressive, whatever it is that life is, I remember feeling that in my house and it was an energy of lost and feeling bewildered and wondering. Why was I here? Like, I know this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing yet. I’m still standing in this kitchen.

Um, cause I still had work to do. I even had things and loose ends that I needed to finish before moving on to that next part of my life. So I changed the content, but then I needed to change my life context once the content was sorted. So, however, you change your context. That’s where the pot of gold is at the end of that imaginary rainbow.

And it’s what everyone is searching for, but they have no idea how to find it. They have no idea. They have no idea how to find this mythical context, a pot of gold, the happiness, fulfilment, and joy. Peace or I like to call it well, being well being is all of those things together, my life’s wellbeing.

And I don’t allow people to upset my wellbeing because it’s my choice. If I choose to accept someone else’s crap, that is my choice. I’m picking it, but I do not desire it any longer. So for me, it’s like water off a Duck’s back. I will listen to friends and family and whoever, I will always give them my time of day, but if I choose to take on their crap, that’s up to me.

That’s my choice. I’m not prepared to do it anymore. Years ago, I took on everyone’s issues. I tried to fix everyone’s problems. That’s not my job. My job is just to listen to. My job is to maybe give other alternative opinions, but what that person does with that information is also up to them. That’s not up to me, and I can’t lay awake at night, trying to fix someone else’s issues if they don’t want to set their own.

So wellbeing is something that we should all be striving for. So today I thought let’s discuss. Clarity. And why is it so important when we want a life of wellbeing? So what is transparency? So to me, clarity is vision certainty, knowing, and direction and all of those things together. Bring us hope. So let’s talk about vision.

So the vision is a vivid concept or an anticipation of the future. So ask yourself, what is your vision for your future? And do you have one because so many people don’t, how can you expect to get to where you want to go when you don’t even know what that might be? And then there’s a certainty. Certainty is when you’re free from doubt, it is inevitable, it is going to happen.

If we talk about our vision and then we’ve got certainty, we are free from doubt. It’s inevitable. We’re so confident we’re going to get there, that it just happens. And then you will have heard me if you’ve been listening to the podcast long enough, talk about the difference between knowing and understanding.

So when you know, and there’s no doubt, there’s no doubt that you’re going to get there. Guess what? The universe repays you, and you get there. So when, you know, for sure something is going to happen, then it will. But previously I’ve spoken about the difference between knowing and understanding. So once we know it and we’ve arrived at that position at that vision, then we understand it.

So the difference between knowing and understanding is that. Say one of my children has had a broken arm. So I know what fractured armies, but I’ve never had one. So I don’t truly understand what a broken arm is because I’ve never had it. But the knowing in this clarity piece that we’re talking about right now, we can’t really understand it because we haven’t actually got to that position in our life, but we know what we want.

There’s no doubt that we’re going to get there. We will do whatever it is to get to that position. How ever long it takes. That’s the knowing piece of clarity. And then the next part is the direction. It’s a purpose towards a goal that serves to guide or motivate. It’s the focus that we have for our life.

So let’s just talk about that again, it’s a purpose towards a goal. Which the goal is the vision that serves to guide or motivate. And that becomes our focus. Now let’s just go over them again. For clarity in life, you must first have a vision and then certainty and then knowing and then direction. Now, this is where this all comes together and brings you home.

Why. Because all of these four things give us hope, the feeling that what is wanted, what we want. We can have the sense that what we wish we can have. And. People often say I’m too old. If you look at the ages of people who get divorced, most people getting divorced, I let’s say 40 and above. I even had a 38-year-old client of mine.

Tell me that her life was. Yeah, it does not matter what age you are until that moment you take your last breath. You must continue to be changing the context of your life. So whether you’re 40, whether you’re 50, whether you’re 60, if you want to sit around and just remain that same person that you’ve always been, and you’re not happy now, what’s going to make you happy tomorrow.

Nothing unless she changed the context of your life. To give you an idea yesterday, I had to go and have an x-ray, and I was in the waiting room and with COVID, you know, we’ve all got to scan our barcodes and put in our details. And I was in the waiting room, just waiting patiently. And there was this older couple in there, probably seventies that had come in.

And I looked at the man, and he was so grumpy. Jeezy was cranky, and I looked at him and thought to myself, is this what we work so hard for? Do we all work so hard to then end up so grumpy? And I don’t know what he was there for. I don’t know whether he was worried. I don’t know whether he was, you know, he’s sick, and he was having an x-ray to find out where he was ill.

I’ve got no idea about his history and why maybe he was grumpy, but the feeling in the waiting room just come. But harrowing down because of his energy, you know, he was verbally saying, I can’t believe we’ve got to fill in this information. I can’t think that we’ve got to do this. Why do they make it all so hard?

Everything that someone said to him was becoming such a massive issue. And I don’t want to be like that. I’m sure you don’t want to be like that either because what, he doesn’t know indirectly, he could be a wonderful person, but he was bringing everyone else down with his, his feelings of what do we need to do this?

You know, this doesn’t matter or those sorts of things. So. This is what we’ve gotta be mindful of. We need to work out what the clarity of our life is. So we can then change the context of our life because changing the content, which is leaving your unhappy relationship or being told that your partner no longer wants to be married to you, you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do, but now it’s time for you to look back and see.

What the context of your life was and how you can change it. You can evolve it because what happens with people that go through a separation? What do we all want? We want to love happiness, peace, joy, contentment, and these things are so crucial to all of us. But we can’t find it by merely ending our relationship and changing the content of our life.

We must change the context. Hopefully, this has made some sense to you because I don’t want you to be one of the 70% or 90%. I want you to be the person that changes the context of their life. And becomes a leader in their life. Not a follower, not someone that’s just laying around, waiting for things to happen.

I want you to get out there, and actively make your life better, make it purposeful. So that’s it for this week. You might want to go back and listen to this podcast. Again, and again, because there’s so much in here that maybe you didn’t actually comprehend or understand, but there’s some massive, massive gold in this podcast.

And I want you to really get it and understand it because changing the context of your life. That’s where everything will change for you. All right. My darling friends, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

 

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