Deciding on getting a divorce might be a process that lasts a couple of years. Perhaps we feel in our gut that something is not right; still we choose to ignore that feeling. And then, after all that work, the inner growth, the pain of making such a hard call, the challenging part begins, where to start? 

In this episode, I want to help you take the first steps into self-alignment and the beginning of the most challenging part of getting a divorce.

Let’s get into it!

 

Timestamps

The time we take to decide to leave our marriage [00:01:00] 

Nobody wants to go to war [00:03:00] 

Acting outside of our character and its consequences [00:05:00] 

Coming into a solution that works for both of you [00:07:00] 

What is self-alignment? [00:09:00] 

What is missing to make you thrive? [00:11:00] 

Ignoring your gut or accessing your intuition [00:13:00] 

What are your values [00:15:00] 

Divorce is like the key in the engine [00:17:00]

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. The title of this podcast is exciting. Isn’t it? Separation is easy – It’s starting that’s hard. 

Now, if you’re anything like me or some of the people that I work with, you know, we know deep down that things have to change. 

We know that we have to do something and start is the problem. Because we need to ask ourselves, the need to stay where we are right now is more significant than the courage we need to keep moving on and put the steps in place to separate?

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And if you look at the time it takes for someone to separate, it can take anywhere for a person from two to four years to decide to leave an unhappy marriage.

That’s two to four years, pretty much to make a decision. And let’s be honest. You want to take a long time to consider the consequences of your decision, especially when it’s as significant as ending a relationship or a marriage. That’s not something you want to jump into really quickly, without a doubt. You want to take your time and think through all the consequences.

But in my business, we have three pillars. The company is built on these three pillars, expert team, professional insight, and life alignment. And today, I want to talk about that life alignment piece because it’s really critical, and lawyers don’t even consider it essential. But to me, it’s a central pillar of my business, and it’s what gives my clients so much success. Because time and time again, you will have heard me say divorce is so much more than going to a lawyer. So much more. The legal part of it becomes what most people talk about because it takes that much energy and pain and finances. And it usually makes everything so much more hurtful. It becomes a war, and we don’t want to go to war. You’ve chosen this person to be in your life because, at some stage, you loved them dealy. You may have had children with them or, you know, bought a house, built a business, but you’ve built a life with this person.

And even though things have fallen apart and haven’t worked out. Why would you go to war with that person when you don’t need to? Isn’t it better to walk away and be friends? Isn’t it better for yourself not to have that pain and anguish in your chest and the tightness and the anxiety that brings with it?

In many cases, this is what happens. And this is why life alignment is a pillar of my business. So many people going through a divorce, and this might be you. So that’s what’s essential for me to do this podcast. They don’t know what the future holds. They don’t know what it is that they actually want.

They know that something is not right in their life. They understand that they’re unhappy. They feel it but probably can’t put words around it, and they know that something has to change. There’s so much going on inside them that the easiest way is to lash out at their partner. When it’s inside where the conflict is happening, and we are a mirror of ourselves.

So what that means is if you’re feeling something on the inside, you project it on the outside. So if you’re conflicted inside, and let’s be honest, it’s natural for it to happen that way. When you’re going through a separation, when you’re conflicted inside, you’re just looking to survive.

You’re probably doing things that don’t feel natural that you might lash out. You might post something on Facebook. You might do something that is so outside of your character. To outline this to my database last week, I sent out an email precisely about this point. This point that I’m talking about right now. 

Acting outside of your character and posting things on Facebook. Or saying things or doing something that you would normally not do, but the anxiety and what you’re dealing with, it’s just your natural response.

And I had a person come back with this email written in capital letters. Pretty much telling me how ridiculous and to unsubscribe. Now I don’t care about what that person did or what they said because they’re not getting the bigger picture here. What I’m trying to say is it’s so natural because it’s so unnatural.

So we’ve never been in this position before. You know, we’re dealing with stress when we’re going through a separation or considering it that we’ve never really been through before in our life. There’s no handbook to this. We don’t know how to handle it. We don’t know how we’re going to respond or what we’re going to say.

We get triggered by things our partner might say or do. And we really didn’t expect to be triggered by it, but it just happens. And the only way to survive it is by retaliating. And that’s why so often, I say that we want to be proactive rather than reactive. 

So if you’re leading the way in your separation, it’s tough to get involved in the reaction. And it’s the reaction stuff where all of the heartache and the actions happen that cause someone else to get hurt. But if you’re on the same page, I fully understand that that is very hard to do. But if you’re on the same page, let’s say 80% of the time you can work through the last 20%, and you might say, well, Tanya, how can we be on the same page?

And it’s a great question. What you need to understand is your partner’s primary drivers, and how can you work together to come up with a solution? That actually works for both of you. In many cases, if a solution isn’t working for both parties, it’s because they’re on different gamuts when it comes to decision-making. That one person is at the complete extreme, and the other person is at the other peak.

In many of those cases, the relationship struggles for such a long time. That it was probably never, ever going to work anyway. And if that’s you, that is a difficult position because one person has to give up or give in and, or the other person does. And no one likes to give in. And that’s what I’m trying to say here.

Hopefully, it’s getting across to you. Is it? We don’t want to have to give in. What we want to do is a compromise. And you might think that they are very much the same thing, but in your mind, giving in makes you think you lost concession. It means that you are working towards an outcome. And what happens with the subconscious mind?

It doesn’t work in negatives. And when we think that we’ve lost, that’s when everything gets better. But if you feel that you’ve compromised to come to an outcome, It looks like you’re working towards an end goal, a positive end goal. And that’s why life alignment is so important. So if I look at life alignment and the categories underneath it, it says self-alignment.

You might say, well, what’s self-alignment, Tanya. Well, self-alignment is when you’re tuned with everything that’s going on around you. So many times, we don’t even understand what our values are. I do values exercise with my clients, and sometimes they are so flawed by the values that come up.

They don’t even realise why they’re making the choices and the decisions that they are making. They’ve never even learned that some of the things that are important to them. They aren’t even aware of. I do this value exercise probably twice every year. And as I have grown as a person, my values change every year.

So to give you an idea of that, if you imagine that me trying to help you, one of my most significant values might be giving back to society. Being community-minded, sharing my information to help you. And when I first started that value, might’ve been really high for me. Now my values may have changed because you know, we’re close to a hundred episodes now. It becomes very natural for me to do this. And it’s just part and parcel of what I do. So that highest value of paying back community engagement and whatever those failures were that got me to start this podcast. They’re still there, but it’s not my highest value anymore. I’ve moved onto something else because this is just something that I do now because I love it.

This is something that I do because it’s in breading me now, you know, it’s just a habit. But something else has now become my highest value so I can move on to making that area of my life great. And that’s pretty much what self-alignment is, is understanding what it is that your primary drivers are in life.

What is it that you really want to happen to make you thrive? What is missing right now? Because even if it’s missing and you’re aware that it’s missing, you can then put steps in place. To try and make it happen. But if you are, so let me use this word, and I’m not being derogatory. I’m just using this word.

Um, the word is dense if you’re emotionally dense and. Don’t understand what it is, and I, I’m not being derogatory. I’m just using the word dense because I can think of it, you know, in, um, I often say you feel like you’re swimming in Play-Doh. That’s why the word dense has come to my mind. But if you’re dense and you don’t fully understand what is that you want, maybe that’s the starting point. Perhaps that’s where you need to look right now and discover the answer to that question. And then once you get the answer to that, everything else might just flow from there. So I don’t want you to be frustrated that you’re not getting what you want in life or going, where you need to go.

You just have to start somewhere. And that’s why life alignment is so critical for my client. Exactly why it’s part of my business pillar. Because when we make decisions on our divorce on self-alignment, we’re making them from the right place rather than making them from a place of, I’ve got no idea what I want in life.

And that becomes the frustration, I hope you are hearing what I’m saying. If you’re making decisions right now, but you don’t know where you want to go. How can they be the right decisions for you? And then the next one is accessing intuition. Each and every one of us has intuition. We just need to be open to it.

I don’t know how many people have said to me if only I’d done this years ago, I knew things had to change, but I just ignored it. Or I’ve known in my gut for so long that. Things were wrong, and I needed to do something. Or I knew that my ex-husband or wife was not happy. Still, I ignored it. If your partner wasn’t pleased, but you just thought they would never do anything about it because it happens every day.

I hear that story every day and that accessing of the intuition. And getting better at understanding what our gut is telling us because it is an extension of the brain. And if you’re not listening to your mind, then your gut is taking over. That’s where the butterflies come from. That’s where the feeling of uneasy comes from.

That’s your soul telling you, you need to do something. And you’ve heard me talk about it. Time and time again, disintegration anxiety. It’s easier to stay in the unhappiness and where you are rather than doing something about it because it feels so unnatural. 

Suppose you’re in a relationship that’s not happy. In that case, it’s easier to stay than to think I’m going to step outside of my comfort zone and try and do this myself because you don’t trust yourself. But I can tell you right now, you are so courageous. You are so skilful. You have so much to live for that, just because your identity says, you’re the person that’s been married to X or Y you live in this house, you live in this area, you drive this car, your kids go to this school.

Doesn’t need to remain that identity. You can change from that person. And become a different identity and be happier, be more successful because once again comes back to your values. Is your value about where you live and what car you drive, or is your value about being happy about paying back to society about having a successful life?

Because here is the main question. What does success look like for you? And if success for you means living in the house, driving the car, having that husband or wife or the kids or the school or whatever. You’re going to stay in that position until you change your value. And that’s where the self-alignment comes back to

you’ve got to change those values and identity to be able to step outside of your comfort zone. To then become the person that you need to evolve to leave or to push forward in your divorce or separation. When you’ve got self-alignment, accessed your intuition, the fight over the assets and about all of the white noise means nothing. When you’re happy on the inside, you don’t care about what’s going on around you. And like I said, at the start, you are a mirror of what’s going on inside. So if you are so utterly unhappy right now, it’s because you’re unhappy on the outside. Like your life is a mess because it just follows suit.

When you’re happy on the inside, it doesn’t matter what happens on the outside. You can deal with it, you can manage it. It’s not a big issue. You just get on with it. So life alignment brings with it, peace, power, and prosperity. And that’s a critical point when you’re going through a separation, making sure that you’ve addressed it.

So if you’re doing your divorce alone, and you’ve just walked into a lawyer, and you’ve got them writing letters and all the rest of it. But you haven’t thought about the big picture. The divorce is like the key in the engine. You can’t drive to where you want to go without the body of the car. The body of the vehicle and the engine is the life alignment, the divorce, or the part that the lawyer is doing is just the key.

If you don’t get the bigger picture sorted out, you might have the key. But you’ve got access to nothing. You’ve got the key. That’s just in a drawer and years later, you look at it, and you go, what was this for? You don’t even know what it was for. You don’t even know where you got it from. It means nothing.

I hope this is making sense. I want you to discover, I want you to ask yourself, I want you to consider what I’m telling you right now—a life alignment. With the self-alignment, the accessing of your intuition brings together peace, power, and prosperity of giving you right now one of the most valuable tools to a successful life. And once again, it’s one of my business pillars. It’s what my business is built on. It’s what my client’s success is built on. And I want that for you as well. All right. My friends have a great day, and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye for now.

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