Social media can be a gratifying amusement, a space to share our experiences, or even a great business booster. If we are going through difficult times, it can also offer a painful contrast between the happiness we see in it and the sadness we are facing. When we are at our lowest point, when everything seems to get worse and worse, any suggestion or alternative we see or receive looks like the solution to our problems. We need to be aware of the danger of letting social media affect our decision-making process. 

In this episode of the Divorce Angle Podcast, we talk about the importance of staying away from social media when we need it, to regain internal peace. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps:

Burning all the past. [00:01:50]

Why is everything a reason to fight in our marriage? [00:04:30]

The importance of inner peace [00:06:00]

No two divorces are the same. Do your research before using a referral. [00:7:20]

Why are lawyers interested in my method? [00:9:00]

What we post on social media vs how we want to be perceived. [00:10:30]

We need to be mindful of the information we put in our minds. [00:12:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

The Jelly Bean Jar – Hard Copy

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

Divorce Roadmap

Transcription

Hey everyone, welcome back to the divorce Angel podcast. It’s 2020 can you believe it? By the time this podcast goes up, it will be the middle of January already. But it’s been here in Australia a very taxing time already with the fires that we have over what seems to be on the whole eastern seaboard. In one of the particular towns that got burned, we have quite an emotional attachment to it, because my husband spent a lot of time working there. 

1:03  

We’ve got a lot of friends there in Mallacoota, and they’ve been isolated. I send my love to the people of Mallacoota, and to the people all over Australia, that are suffering right now with these fires. 

On the weekend, we drove to Adelaide to see one of our uncles, and there were fires over there. They seem to be everywhere. So if you’re in any of these areas, please be safe. Know that we’re all thinking of you and sending our best wishes. We hope that the authorities can get these things under control. 

The reason I started with the fires in Australia,

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if you’re in any other part of the world, you probably aren’t touched by them, other than what you see on the media. 

The analogy that I make with what’s happening right now with my beautiful country and how it’s burning, is similar to what happens when we’re separating or going through a divorce. If you think about it, we’re burning all of the past. And we’re looking at starting again. 

2:23  

And the important thing to know is that we can rebuild, especially the people of Australia, which are resilient. We have each other’s back. And I would like everyone to consider separation knowing that you’re not alone. There are so many people out there to support you. 

The interesting thing is, I’ve been in a conversation with a client the other day and she said, look, I’ve got no support. 

Well, she does have support. It depends on how she looks at it. Because she’s got the support of her lungs. She’s got the support of her heart, she’s got the support of her mind. She came into this world alone, and she, unfortunately, will leave this world alone. But we’ve got to think about how we contemplate making bad decisions. 

3:20  

We’ve been part of a couple before, and now all of a sudden we find ourselves isolated. It’s important to know that you do have support. 

If you think about it, you get a cut on your finger, and how long does it take before it heals up? Not very long at all. Your body is your greatest supporter. And if you encourage it, if you put positive things into your mind and body, this will keep us going. 

There is no difference between the food we put into our bodies and how we replenish ourselves, we need to do the same things with our mind. 

I’ve made a point this week to get off social media. I’m not interested in watching what people are posting, especially those that have never been in these areas. 

4:19  

Some people have a little bit of information and are using that to cause hate saying negative things rather than come up with help and support, they just want to throw stones. 

I’m not interested in allowing that sort of rubbish into my mind. I’m not going to do it. 

When I was in my first marriage, I hate to say this, but I would fight over the littlest thing. It was like I had to fight just to prove that I was worthy. It was like we had to argue. 

If he said white, I would say black. If he said good, I would say bad. If he was a Labor voter, I was a Liberal voter. He barracks for one football team, I would barrack for another. 

I don’t know why it happened like that. But it just did. I look back now and wondered how we survived the 20 years that we did. There was something greater that kept us together. And we had three beautiful children, that was part of the glue.

Looking back, there were many other things that when we got married weren’t big issues, but the longer a relationship went on, those little things became really big problems. 

I’ve spoken about it before, where my mom said to me, I want my Tanya back. The person that you’ve become is not the person that I gave birth. I had changed, I was let’s say, Negative Nelly.

5:59  

I was unhappy, I didn’t know what it was like to have inner peace. Now, my inner peace is paramount for me. I don’t let too much bother me. 

On the weekend, when we were away, some things were said that I would normally get involved with. I take a deep breath and let it go. I do not get involved anymore. It’s made a big difference in my life. 

Now, I turn off social media rather than let it annoy me. You might say, well, Tanya, why are you telling me this? 

What I want you to understand, this is what I realized when I was going through my divorce, everyone had something to say, everyone had a comment. I’m sure they were doing it out of the kindness of their heart. They were all trying to lead me in the right direction.

I probably looked helpless and even I didn’t ask for a lot of people’s opinion, they gave it to me anyway. And when you’re at your lowest point, that is when everything is so uncertain and you don’t know what’s going to happen, you are open to what people say, whether it’s right or wrong. 

You accept it because you think, all that could be the answer to my problem, maybe I will follow that path because that could get me to where I want to go. 

Sometimes I would have people say to me, look, a friend picked this lawyer and they were amazing. 

7:27  

I don’t stop anyone from using a referral. If someone has said that this lawyer was really good for me, they might be good for you too. But it’s important to know that no two divorces are the same. Like DNA, no two people are the same. 

Because one lawyer is right for one person, it might not mean that that person is right for you. And the same with someone may say, I tackle this way and it works well for me, why don’t you give it a go?

You should be open to what people say. But be very mindful and do your due diligence and research before you tackle something. Because when it starts, it could take you down a rabbit hole that you might not be able to get back out of. 

Make sure whatever decisions that you make it is for what is right for you, not because someone else told you to do.

I see this a lot when parents get involved and someone that you respect gives you information and you go well, if that’s worked for them, surely it will work for me. 

8:54  

It might not be the right thing because we’re in different eras. What happened back 20 years ago, and what happens today is completely different. The technology and the information we have today can make a difference to efficiencies in the way we do things. 

I’ve proven this. I’ve had some lawyers say to me, would you mind if I use the process you use to deal with divorce in my practice?

It’s not even a legal procedure, but they can see that I’ve thought differently and come up with a different way. 

Don’t take what someone says as gospel, make sure you do your research and homework on it. 

I remember when I was going through my Facebook feed, as these happy relationships, people that were kissing, or everyone’s seems to be on an overseas holiday in some island, having a great time. And here I was sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself.

I thought, hang on, this is not fair. How did I find myself here? Everyone’s having an amazing life and look at me. 

I look back now and I see that it’s no longer true and the same will be for you. If you feel like that right now, I promise you it will not last forever. 

10:27  

The other thing about social media, which I have researched, I have witnessed and I know for a fact, most of the people that are posting all of these happy photos, they have their self-doubt, and they are showing to the world how they want to be perceived.

People that want to be perceived as good mothers will often post things about spending time with their children. Cooking biscuits, doing artwork, all of those sorts of things which are amazing.

My question is, is why do you need to post that? 

We don’t need to go out and get 100 likes on a post like that and get everyone saying how amazing we are. We only need to do those things.

Deep down inside you should know that you’re worthy. You should know that you’re loved and you need to love yourself more than you love anyone. 

12:06  

I want you to think about that as well. If I bring this conversation full circle, just be mindful of the information that you are putting into your mind. Be mindful that the things that you will be witnessing and watching or reading may not be true. Whether you believe in Donald Trump or not. He’s coined the saying fake news and I tend to believe what he says. 

I’ve witnessed this as well. When I was working at the airport, we would have the film crews come out for a story. By the time, the editor cut and paste most of what came out on TV about this story. It was nothing like what we were trying to portray or the information that we were providing them.

And when my husband was in a fishing show, he caught hundreds and hundreds of fish and he caught a sock. And they played that one beat of him catching a sock over and over. To the extent that he said he will no longer be on any fishing shows.

Be mindful of what you’re putting into your mind. Take everything with a grain of salt, and understand whether you’ve got an opinion on anything, your opinion could be wrong. 

This is the greatest lesson that I’ve learned in my life. That a lot of what I thought was true, a lot of what I thought was right, is not.

How I brought up how my marriage had gone. What I’d probably a little bit indoctrinated. Because we get to learn from our partner, we learn what they think and who they believe. We start to believe in that. 

14:02  

That’s why I believe that you are the sum of the five people that spend the most time around you. If you’re spending time with people that are not filling you with kindness, not filling you with the best information. If they’re negative Nelly, or they bring you down, you need to kick those people to the curb. 

You need to fill your life with positive role models and people that are going to inspire you and help you get through what you’re dealing with right now. 

14:37  

Once again, I send all my love and best wishes to anyone that is in a fire zone or going through anything else. I want to send my love and let you know that you are not alone. 

Know that within you, in you, you have what it takes to fix this issue. You are not alone.

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