Even when we are fully aware of the fact that Valentine’s Day “use” love to generate a ‘profit margin’, we cannot avoid feeling affected by it during our separation. Love is in the air wherever we look. It is all over the internet, the radio, the T.V and in all the stores you visit. It’s there right in your face. This leads you to think one thing: How can I survive through this?

On this very special podcast, I want to share with you my best tips to keep your mental and emotional health intact.

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps

Our secret Valentine and the void we want to fulfil. [00:01:00]

What do you need to be happy? [00:02:40]

A little bit of history over Valentine’s Day. [00:04:30]

Feelings amplify at this time of the year. [00:07:15]

First tip: Stay away from Social Media. [00:08:40]

Second tip: Praise yourself. [00:10:30]

Third tip: Have some quality time with family and friends. [00:12:00]

Fourth tip: Get lost in a book. [00:13:00]

Fifth tip: Putting together a 90-days plan. [00:15:50]

Bonus tip: Momentum is key. [00:17:00]

 

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. I thought today we’d have a chat around the 14th of February, Valentine’s Day.

When you first separated or you’re no longer with your partner, Valentine’s Day can be pretty emotional for all of us. And whether you celebrated it or not when you were married, it’s still what the day stands for, isn’t it?

I remember when I was going through my separation, the trigger was noticing all of these things on social media, people that seem to be happy, and everywhere I looked, everyone was holding hands or going out for dinner. And here I was sitting at home.

1:25  

We all just want a secret Valentine. It doesn’t mean just to send us something and let us know that we’re loved.

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Because it’s that void that we’re searching. It’s not so much the happiness I believe. I think it’s the void. It’s the pain more than the pleasure what gets us just think about what’s going on in our life. And recently, I’ve been popping a girlfriend of mine who has just split up with her partner of four years. And she said to me: “I’m better off alone than being with someone else and being unhappy. 

2:06  

And when I’m alone, I can start to love myself and do things in my life that will make a difference to me and my children”. It took her a while to get there because she never wanted to be alone. She felt she needed someone else to make her happy. 

You can only have a happy life when you are happy on the inside. When you’re happy by yourself, you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. 

2:43  

When I am with my husband, he doesn’t need me around him all the time, and to be honest, as much as I love him to pieces, I don’t need him to be with me all the time.

When we are together, I feel like we are a superpower. I feel like both of us are there worrying about each other’s needs and wants, and wishes to feel what we both want from a partner. You know, if he is not around, I’m still a happy person. And I know for a fact that when I’m not around him, he’s still a happy person. And that’s what attracted me to him in the first place. It’s so attractive. 

3:26  

Being with someone that knows what they want out of life, it’s so sexy to me. And speaking to other guys, I remember when I first started dating, they were saying to me that there’s nothing sexier than a woman that knows what she wants out of her life. 

And to say you noticed someone because you felt that your needs are more important, that’s empowering. 

When someone asks you if you want to do this or that, and you can say, you know what, that doesn’t feel right for me, or I’d like to do something else, that builds boundaries. And it’s not that you have to work for a relationship. But what you do have to do is to be respectful over the relationship. 

4:23  

Today, I’m going to talk about five ways that will help you get through Valentine’s Day and the things that helped me get through my Valentine’s Day.

Because men and women take the day to mean in my interpretation, something completely different. Women like the idea of the flowers and going out for dinner, and all of that.

And because I spend such a lot of time with guys, and to be honest, I get along well better with men, and I do because I think I’m a little bit more like them. Someone can say something to me and it’s water off a duck’s back, I don’t get very emotional about certain things I can just move on. 

And that’s sort of a trait that a lot of women have. And that’s why we’re known to be bitchy sometimes. But the guys don’t think of Valentine’s Day like the women do. The guys just go along with it. It’s nice to go out for dinner, and it gives us a chance to go out and celebrate our relationship and our love. 

5:33  

But if you go back over history, and you look at Valentine’s Day, there are quite a few different stories. There are no solid facts and to be honest, it’s a little bit mysterious the actual history of it.

But myself being brought up as a Catholic, was breaking through some of these and just didn’t realize some of the horrors and how it came about. According to one legend, an imprisoned Valentine had fallen in love with a woman while in confinement. Before his death, he decided to write a letter to her, and he signed it off, from your Valentine. 

And that expression is still used today. That’s one of about three I found. So there’s plenty of different meanings behind it. 

Anyway, if we get back to how you can deal with the pressures that you may be feeling at this time of year, a conscious mind understands that, yes, this day it’s been hijacked and commercialized by a lot of businesses just to make money.

Our subconscious mind (from where our emotions and feelings come), it’s searching for a way to feel good, and it rewrites to us that we’re single. That is why it’s hard to deal with the subconscious mind. 

7:19  

No matter what you tell yourself, you’re probably still going to feel a little bit lousy. And people have told me, I feel lonely. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not good enough. Sometimes those feelings can be amplified at this time of year. And, look, I’m sure you already know this, but it’s just another day and you are perfect the way you are. 

Sooner or later, we’re all going to realize that allowing someone else to have power over our happiness is like going on a driverless car sitting in the back seat. You’re powerless to control your destination. 

And you may have noticed that happy people don’t need others to feel good about themselves or their emotional state. It’s easy for me to say because I’m now in that position, but I want you to know that you’re going to get there sooner than you know, if you feel crappy now, it’s understandable. 

I said to someone yesterday, it’s like the winter before the spring, you’ve got to go through the cold darkness before you can start to bloom and grow, and that’s possibly what you’re going through right now. 

8:47  

Let’s talk about the five tips I think may help you. The first one without a shadow of a doubt is to stay away from social media. Do not stalk your ex on Facebook or Instagram, hoping to see that they’re sad and lonely. It’s probably not going to happen. 

Because we know for a fact and research shows us that the things that people post on Facebook or social media are not true. They want us to think that they are happy. And sometimes once again, we interpret things to be different than what they are. 

I was reading a great article yesterday about that a woman who started the thread “Can you please tell me a time when you posted a happy snap, but you were completely sad?”. It went mental. 

A lot of people then put up those pictures and then explained underneath the photos. There was a woman that was at the Grand Canyon, she was hiking, and she posted a photo of her smiling. Underneath that she’d written, it was the saddest time in my life, I had not stopped crying, and I felt like jumping. But when you look at the post, there is a beautiful horizon. It looks spectacular. 

10:14  

That’s what I want you to know. Don’t get involved with the garbage that’s on social media, as Donald Trump would say, in the majority of cases, it’s fake news. 

You’re not seeing the real person. So stay away from it, it’s not worth it. 

We don’t want to miss anything happening on social media, and we become addicted to it. And my advice to you is rather than getting addicted to social media, why don’t get addicted to something that it’s going to improve your life?

The next one is praising yourself. Why don’t go ahead and do something that you deserve? Because let’s be honest, you should be celebrating your successes, not your failures. So rather than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, why not celebrate the strength that you’ve got to be able to do what you’re doing right now. And I’m not telling you to go into any debt, because in some cases when people break up, they spend unnecessary money on items just to get instant gratification. 

11:24  

Go out and have a facial, or have a lesson at something or go and buy something that you’ve always wanted, something little. 

Use it as a time to celebrate you and celebrate what you’ve been able to achieve and where you’ve got. No matter how hard it is, you should be celebrating. I don’t think you guys realize how hard it is to be doing what you’re doing. And to be going through what you’re going through. When you get to the end of this journey of separation or divorce, you will ask yourself, how did I make it through? But you did, and you will be very proud of yourself. 

So why not give yourself a little, a little pampering?

The next one is spending some time with your family and friends. Now, there’s a caveat on this. If your family stresses you out, or your friends give you a hard time about your decision, they’re not the people I’m talking about. 

12:31  

I’m talking about the people that put a smile on your face and make you laugh because happiness is the best medicine. You need to know that outside of your four walls, life goes on and people are happy. Friendships reduce stress, and they boost happiness. It’s been proven by research. And life’s too short to be by yourself. 

So why not have a night out? Go and have a karaoke sing-along, or maybe go to a comedy show and have a belly laugh, or just have a glass of wine with a girlfriend, or be in a pub with a mate. Be connected with someone else and know that last will be okay again.

The next tip is to get lost in a book. I’ve never been a big book reader. I’d have read some fictional novels. Now I don’t spend a minute reading literature that does not add some value to my life or builds up some sort of muscle memory in my brain, that allows me to learn more, grow and evolve. 

If I’m not going to learn something from it, I’m not going to spend my time reading it. 

14:02  

Why not find someone that inspires you and read their biography? Why not find someone that has been in your position, and turned their life around, and learn about them? 

For me, I remember thinking, how did the richest people in the world get rich? It was then that I found the top 10 people and how they got rich. I then researched what they did to get rich. And then that was the passion that started the journey that I’m on now. 

That worked for me and might not work for you. But there’s a book that I give my clients, and it is one of the most amazing books and it’s called “Love yourself as your life depends on it”. 

I’ve spoken about it I think before in the podcast, why not download it as an audible and just listen to it? 

My husband and I’ve been away this weekend. We went to a nine and a half hours drive distance from where we leave. On Sunday, we got in the car at three o’clock in the afternoon and didn’t get home until midnight Monday morning. He was so exhausted, he went to sleep. I sat there with my headphones on while I was driving home, and I listened to audiobooks. So you don’t even need to be sitting down and turning pages. There are other ways around it. But read the novels that you love, get lost in their world. And don’t leave your mind to wander about what happened. Think about the future. Spend your time wisely. 

And then the last one and the biggest one that I want to give you as a tip is to start planning your future.

15:56  

Studies have proven that long term goals don’t work. But on the contrary, a 90-day plan can get you excited. Especially because you start to see very quick momentum. And there’s nothing like daydreaming about a better life. But action gets you outcomes.

You need to put together a 90-day plan with some key drivers and what you need to do, and you start taking them off. So ask yourself, what do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in the future? How can you achieve it? And then put that 90-day plan together. Because momentum is everything. And then when you finish that 90 days, you add another 90 days. Before you know it your life will be completely different. 

Now, the bonus tip I’d like to give you is, if I told you that the instructions of your life were on the outside of the box that you are living, would you stay locked inside of that box? Or would you do everything possible to read the instructions on the outside? I can’t tell you how to do that. But what I’m telling you is momentum is the key to happiness. Momentum is the key to a happy life. 

17:31  

So instead of whining about Valentine’s Day, and all of those negative emotions, why not use it to celebrate you? Why not love you? Why not be kind to you, be caring and treat yourself the way that you want to be treated. Happiness starts on the inside, and it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself, now and forever. 

I’m sending my love and hugs and best wishes to you. And don’t forget that you’re good enough, life is going to be amazing. 

I hope these five tips help. Bye for now. 

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