Taming the Devil Inside
Over the last six months, my team and l have been working with Katie. Katie has lived in the same house with her husband for the past thirty years, and the couple has two adult daughters together. They have had a turbulent relationship, but like most of us, they continued to work through their ups and downs hoping for peace and memories of what brought them together to endure. Their connection, however, got to the point of no return with accusations coming from both sides. Until one day, Katie’s husband decided he had, had enough and wanted out. Such a massive decision after dedicating yourself to each other for three decades.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes a relationship we think is perfect can be anything but, for the couple involved. I never form any judgement on the people l work with; I just want to see them move on with dignity and pride and be empowered to find strength and the willingness to continue living with joy and happiness in their lives. Looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for the mistakes they have made, and then using that wisdom to preventing the same issues arising in other areas of their life. However, l have witnessed a trait which has worried me. A trait which can cloud people’s decision making. Having them react in a way, you would hope they could control however emotions take over, and their actions can have lasting effects on their futures.
The most painful thing about relationship breakups is when you realised what you lost. How valuable it is to you, and you want it back. Thinking how you could have acted differently but sometimes the jelly bean jar is empty. ( What is the Jelly Bean Jar? Find out here!) However, at times it is just too late, and the things said can not be forgotten or unsaid. In Katie’s situation, things went from bad to worse. She had little control over her emotions, and even with professionals guiding her and warning of the consequences of her actions, she continued to make some terrible decisions. It was like someone had taken over her body and she had no control of her actions…she was on autopilot. She said she wanted to move on but it was like she had no control over the devil that resided within. You could see the look of regret when she realized the consequences of her actions, but what is done can not be undone.
Katie contacted her ex- husband’s new girlfriend and said things about his sexual behaviours and some other demeaning action. The accusations ghastly to say the least. However, no charges had ever been laid on the husband and Katie had never been to the police or could substantiate her new claims. The oldest daughter alarmed by the claims wanted her mother to seek medical help and assistance, but Katie refused. Over the course of a few months, Katie continued to bombard the girlfriend until she had no choice but to take out a restraining order. Because they lived in the same suburb without even knowing it, Katie would often break the order leading to her arrest on more than one occasion.(This is what she told me, however looking back l am not so sure.)
So now, not only did Katie need a family lawyer she also needed a criminal lawyer. This behaviour divided the daughters leaving them to pick sides. The ex-husband was at his wit’s end and wanted to break all ties including financial even though he had been patience to a point. This meant selling the family home. The only home Katie had known and the one constant she had in her life. The house was sold but she continued to ignore the situation she was in and the certainty that she needed to move out and find somewhere else to reside.
Looking back l see this was a cry for help given all the behaviours she was displaying. Yet, you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. Finally, the police turned up to evict her from her own home of 30 years after the legal settlement had gone through and she still hadn’t left five days later.
So what was the trait: Revenge? http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/revenge Katie could not face the errors of her ways. She blamed her husband for everything. Even her continual arrest. If you want a full filled life, you must take responsibilities for your actions. I am sure her husband was hard to live with, and not that l know him at all, their marriage seemed toxic. However, some people are so used to living this way it becomes their normality. When one of the partners wants to break up the relationship, the other doesn’t know how to exist. So they continue until they dig themselves such a hole, in Katie’s case, she established a police record and became homeless.
I have offered Katie some lifelines, and as a team, countless advice to help guide her back into a more social existence but l am saddened to say she does not want our help. She intends to remain a Victim and continue with her Vendetta against her Ex husband.
The problems with these sorts of behaviours;
- Katie’s ex-husband has no idea of the hatred and pain she is feeling towards him. The only person, this kind of anger, is affecting, is Katie. It is eating her away and keeping her up at night thinking of ways to get back at him for the pain and loneliness she is feeling.
- Her continued actions are leading her to make decisions which are affecting her future. If she gets found guilty of the criminal charges, it can prevent her from travelling to some country around the world, and even some employers do a criminal check on new staff. This is something you certainly don’t want to happen. Even struggling to make ends meet and paying for legal counsel is mindless if it could have been prevented.
- Regret will set in at some stage in the future, but in the meantime, she may have ultimately damaged her relationship with one, if not both of her daughters. This damage can be irreversible, and by defaming their father, is incredibly hurtful to his daughters and worrying, to say the least as her behaviours spiral out of control. The girls love both parents.
- Revenge can be a person’s response to hurt, humiliation and anger. In this case, I am not sure of the outcome Katie would like to achieve. If it is getting her husband back? That boat has definitely Sailed! Is it to hurt him as much as she is hurting? I think it is too late as he has moved on with a new person in his life. Does she believe, what she thinks to be true even though the children have lived in the same house and want their mother to seek medical help? Katie will not even listen to her close friends and family because she is hell bent on defaming her ex-husband.
When dealing with a divorce, there is no doubt in my mind we all get hurt and can be extremely angry at the situation we find ourselves. However, we must move on with dignity and grace. At the end of the day, we still need to live with ourselves and our actions. We need to forgive, for no-one else but ourselves. At some stage, we loved this person enough to marry them and dream of a beautiful and rewarding future. There is such a fine line between LOVE and HATE, and when hate takes over we become poisoned, and the venom can affect us the most. When you meet Katie, you feel sorry for the situation she finds herself in, but when you bring up her husband, it is like an alter ego takes over and controls her body. She is so set on making his life a misery; she cannot see how it is affecting her or her actions. It saddens me to watch because at some stage she will look back and see a trail of destruction behind her which may prevent her from leading a happy and rewarded life.
Don’t let revenge become the badge you wear on your chest as it will eat away and poison your life!
About the author:
Tanya Somerton is the ‘Divorce Angel’, whose business is to facilitate a seamless and amicable divorce and separation with the aid of her ‘Army of Angels.’
Tanya provides a step by step process which limits cost and conflict that sees you achieving your most financially beneficial outcome possible, now and for the future.
Tanya is also the Director of TLC Investment Group, a finance and mortgage company. She helps her clients budget and plan, rather than wondering if you can keep the family home.
If you need help and support in this area, contact firstname.lastname@example.org for help and advice.
She is also the author of ‘The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering independence through Divorce’. If you are looking to prevent any mistakes and save money this book is a must. Purchase your copy here