Every process we go through in life is an opportunity to grow and evolve. It doesn’t matter if it is either negative or positive, as long as we are grateful we will manage to add value to our lives. It is the same with divorce. We can regret the time lost in a relationship that didn’t work, or we can be grateful for what we lived and learnt during that marriage. In this episode, I would like to share with you the four blessings I received from my divorce.  

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

Teaching my kids through the divorce [00:01:30]

People under stress show their worst [00:04:00]

When the needs and wants are not compatible [00:07:30]

What I’ve learnt in my first marriage [00:09:00]

The give and take relationship [00:12:00] 

There has to be more than this [00:15:00] 

I always felt a deeper calling [00:18:00] 

Real friends [00:21:00]

From derelict to brand new [00:22:30]

Links 

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey guys, it’s Tanya back again. And I’m really excited to share this podcast today. I’ve been thinking about doing this one for a while. It’s an opportunity today for me to find time to put pen to paper and think about what I wanted to get across to you.

No matter where you are right now, whether you haven’t decided to leave, perhaps you may have already left. You might already be trying to pick the pieces up in your life and get going again. I wanted to share that it always has been, and it always will be okay. And I’m a true believer of that.

We grow and evolve, and we can just, it’s like the old saying about water will find its natural level. We do that as well as humans. And look, don’t get me wrong. It can be tough, I’ve been there. It can be tough, but as long as you pick yourself up and you keep going, you can get through it. So tonight I wanted to talk about what I have learnt and what I like the most about being divorced. And I suppose my number one thing would be around my children

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and showing my children that sometimes love just isn’t a fairy tale, but in saying that, it doesn’t need to be a villain. If you are smart with how you deal with your divorce, it can actually be something that your children learn from. And I hope that I acted that way. Look, I’m sure I made mistakes. If I had to rewind and go back, would I do some things differently? Yeah, I probably would. I probably would do some things differently because there’s no book out there.

There’s no manual on how to get this right. Because we’re talking about different people and you will have heard me say before, no two divorces are ever the same. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve got one child, two children, three children, however many, add those into the mix. And sometimes things can get out of hand, but because I was a child of divorce, I’d sort of been through it myself.

I had a sense of what I had felt, and I didn’t want that for my children. 

My middle son has already told me that [00:03:00] throughout life, we’re probably going to have more than one relationship.

Maybe that was his take away from my divorce. My eldest son, I think he’s very committed. And him and his girlfriend, who I love dearly, like a daughter in law. I hope that they’re together forever. And maybe that is what he learned from his parents’ relationship. Perhaps he learnt how to choose, or how to act, what to do differently to meet the right person.

But even that in saying that, at the time when I met their father, I thought right there, he was the right person. I had three beautiful children with him. And he was the right person for me, he was the person to teach me the lessons, to give me the opportunities, the things that we built together.

If I hadn’t have met him, I might not be where I am right now. I’m very, very grateful for that. So I’m a big believer of that. 

When you’re under stress, you see the best and the worst of people. When people make decisions under pressure, that’s when they get to see the real you. So I hope that the decisions that I made when I was going through my divorce with their father were enough for them to realize that even when everything feels awful. When you’re getting up day after day, and you feel like you’re doing everything, maybe that’s not true. That was just a story I was telling myself at the time. I did feel I was doing everything, but then that was a consequence of the choices that I made at the time.

And I had to live with those, and I accept them. But at the time it felt like it was never ever going to end. And I wanted my children to see, even though some days I thought I couldn’t get out of bed, I wanted my kids to see he and feel that it’s okay to feel like that too.

Throughout life, we can go through those moments, but then you get up, and you keep going, and you fight, and you try to be bigger and better than you were before. 

And one of my personal drivers is to make my children proud. Make them think, wow, look what mom was able to do. She turned whatever adversity around to be the person that she is today. And still, sometimes I have to bite my tongue when they say things about their dad, and I can remember living through something, and there may be going through it now. And I want to tell them, look, be careful. Look out for this. But I can’t, it’s not my lesson to teach them it’s their lesson to learn. 

I’ve got to be careful and mindful of that. And that’s something that I still grapple with today, but I just bite my tongue and know that it’s not for me to say. If they want to talk about their dad, I let them speak, and I listen, it’s not my place to say anything. It’s, it’s their place to learn. That’s really hard, but that’s my choice. That’s what I’ve chosen to do. And it worked out well for me. 

The second thing that, you know, I’m really grateful for from my divorce is my evolution.

When I think about my marriage, and about the 22 years I was in it, it felt well for many years. It felt like it was right until it felt like it was wrong. If you understand what I mean, like it was at one stage, all of a sudden this isn’t right, this is wrong for me. We’re not going in the same direction.

And my needs and wants were different from his. And he wanted to have me fit his perfect picture. And that’s where all of a sudden things start to go wrong. People put their own interpretations of what they want for their life on their partner, and it doesn’t work like that. And when I think about my new marriage, I’ve got no interpretations of what Richard does or how he does it. 

As long as it’s within the realms of being faithful and loyal. And loving, and not breaking any laws, which is not going to happen anyway. I don’t have any expectations of him other than that every day he wakes up and loves me. And because I don’t have any expectations, he doesn’t have any expectations of me neither. I don’t expect anything when he does something, I’m grateful for it. And like last week’s podcast, when I talked about gratitude and the law of attraction and repelling what you don’t want, that’s what I’ve got in this marriage. In my first marriage, I used to do the basic day to day level. I learnt so much from that, and I am not going to replicate those same mistakes that I made before. I’m being really raw with you right now. I wasn’t the perfect wife the first time around. I got married, really young. We ended up where we were not just because of the things that he did. Still, I’ve got to take full and outer responsibilities for the part that I received as well because for every action there’s a reaction.

And whether it was me pushing one way or him pushing the other, it was friction. And that friction caused is to disharmony. And when I wanted more, he didn’t, he wanted me to do things that he wanted me to do. And the same for me, I would be forcing him to go, you know, can you please do this? Or can you do that?

It just doesn’t work like that. We’ve got a given voluntarily to the bigger picture or purpose. And I was actually talking to mum this morning, and I said to her, the funny thing between the two special men that I’ve had in my life is how different they were, and I what learnt?

Well, the first part of Tanya in this world was to be this person married to that husband. And that husband would give her three children. The next part of my evolution as Tanya is to be married to Richard. And to live this part of the evolution and evolvement of Tanya. So how I look at it, Richard was sent to me, with the law of attraction, I was able to, to attract Richard. And we both can lift each other up rather than taking each other down. And I suppose that’s the most beautiful thing. Like when I think of what my divorce gave me, it gave me the ability to know, because I’d been there and I understood. So I really knew what I want. 

You hear me talk about these stats all the time we got, you know, 45% of first-time marriage is failing 70% of second time and 90% of third. And it’s because the people that are getting married they’re second and third time, I not doing this deep dive like I’m talking about right now into this, into themselves.

And fully understanding what they need and what they are prepared to give, because it can’t be, and it shouldn’t be a one-way road. It has to be a give and take relationship to be successful. 

When I talk to clients going through their first stages of separation, often they’ll repeat similar words. Things like, I feel like I’m being taken for granted, I feel our needs aren’t being met.

I had a guy this week that I was talking to, and my heart broke for him a little bit because he said, and I hear it often with the guys, I worked really hard to bring in the income to give my family what they needed. He thought he was doing the right thing. He really did. I believe that’s what he thought. And so many guys feel the same way they think they’ve got to go to work. They believe that they’ve got to bring in the money so that their family has everything that they need.

And then the wife feels like she’s been forgotten or left or whatever. And I suppose it’s something that in pre-marriage when you have to go and do the classes, they don’t talk about any of that. Why aren’t the people talking about, look guys you need to have some rules of engagement? When you get married, you need to understand these are what your roles are going to be. Do you accept them? And if you don’t, don’t then look back years later and go, I was forced into having this role because you’ve got a voice. And that’s something I’ve learned. I have a voice. If I don’t like something rather than accept it. I can say, no, doesn’t work for me. I want this to be changed or altered. And so many of us don’t realize that can because before we know it, our beds are made, and we have to lay in it, and we can’t go back. 

Now. We’ve missed the ability to have the job that we wanted, or we fancy ourselves every day, leaving a lot that we never thought would be possible. And right now, as I’m sitting here, I recall a moment when I was in my backyard when my first marriage. And I remember looking up to the sky, just thinking, no, there’s so much more than this. There’s so much more than this, but I had no idea what it was or where it would take me. And, you know, I don’t know whether that was the moment that made me start to think about everything else in my life. I don’t know, but I certainly am aware that my second time around brought me to a different kind of love. It brought me to learn that there are so many different people in life. And I don’t know what’s wrong with having two beautiful people in your life that give you various opportunities at different times. Who says that that’s not okay? 

People that sometimes say, Oh, you know, I feel like I’ve failed because I’ve got divorced. Who’s to say it’s not a success? Who’s to say that? Just because it didn’t work. It was what you needed at the time because then you peel back another layer of the onion. You evolve into the person that maybe you were always meant to be. Or, you know, perhaps you can continue to peel back layers and become even more and more different.

And I suppose that’s what brings me into the third thing that is so good about divorce. And that third thing is you get to be whoever you want to be. You get to choose what you do. You get to wake up every morning, and rather than being part of a couple, you get to make your own decisions. When you’re in a relationship, like mine was, my ex-husband seemed to be the person making all the decisions. And I suppose he probably was to some extent when it comes to our business and that sort of thing, because, you know, day to day he was running it. And I think I realized that I couldn’t just get up and have a job. I just didn’t want just a job.

So his business, or our family business, hat’s what it was to me. It wasn’t something, I wasn’t changing anyone’s life. I wasn’t doing anything like that. All I was doing was going to work and helping him build. It was a product-based business, and I needed more. And each of us is different. Some people may or may not be happy with that sort of career. That might be what some people would love to have. But I always felt like there was a deeper calling ever since I was a young girl. I was a real nurturer, so I knew that I needed to have a job that was bigger than me. If that makes sense. Like if every day I help you, you help someone else. They help someone else. It’s the ripple effect. And that’s what I’ve tried to build now in my life. Like I knew that there was more and I just had to go out and make it happen. And knowing that you’ve got the strength to do that, that alone is a huge turning point in anyone’s life. So that’s the third one. And then the last major point for me, which has been hard and then it gets more comfortable, but the thing now, looking back about what I liked the most about getting divorced. I got rid of a lot of baggage.

Now I’m thinking about how I wanna say this, I often say you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Those persons rub off on you. You learn new things from them and explore. They bring you different ways of thinking, and you can lift your knowledge as a person.

And when I look back now, the thing that happened when I got divorced was a lot of those people that I had in my life that I thought were my friends, they weren’t. And my mentor talks about, energy being like a tire on your car. And if you think about every time you speak or deal with someone, if they’re an energy sucker.

In other words, if they’re taking, taking, taking, and not giving, those people steal from you every time they receive from you. Your tire gets flatter. And I suppose when I look back now at the whole divorcing, there were some people in my life and I was running on a flat tire. They were just sucking out of me rather than giving back.

Now there are definitely people in that same time that stood out. And I know for sure are my lifelong friends who I’m very, very blessed to have in my life, but the rest of them, they’ve sort of all just gone and disappeared. And at the time I thought they were important, but the truth is you come into this world alone, and you leave this world alone.

So the people that you spend a lot of time with really need to be the people that deserve to be there. That deserves your attention. And relationship, just like the one with your partner, is a give and take one. It’s just not a take, take one. And I was talking to my brother-in-law last night, and he does up old cars, and I was thinking about this today. And can you imagine this? Your life is like a beat-up old car that’s maybe 30, 40 years old. It’s got scratches. It needs a paint job. You know, it’s pistons, aren’t running well, the brakes are probably worn out. Even the tires need to be replaced. So what he does is he refurbishes the motors. He gives them a paint job, and they look fantastic. And now I go from being bloody derelict to worth a fortune. And that’s the same picture I have in my head about my divorce when I think about it. I feel like, or I felt like that car with flat tires. My pistons weren’t working well.

You know, the body of the car is reliable. The internal part of the vehicle is all good. I just needed a bit of a paint job, some new tires, an excellent service, an update on my motor. And all of a sudden I’ve gone from feeling like I was a broken-down old car that was sitting on the junk to be a fully riffed up piece of machinery. And that people want to pay a load of money for it. That’s how I feel about my life now, just like that. If you’re struggling, I share with you the great things that came out of my divorce. You know, the opportunities really are endless, and you might be struggling right now. But remember you’re going to be okay. And it always has been, and it always will be okay. Okay. My darlings I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

 

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