When we are dealing with divorces and the legal system, justice and fairness are not necessarily related. In some cases, especially those where abuse is involved, the judge’s sentence could look like a mockery to the victim of that abuse. The point is that when we are going through the division of assets or calculating spousal support, the court won’t ask who hurt who the most. In this episode, I want to share my clients’ and my experience in court, and explain what I mean when I say ‘the court doesn’t care’. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

What we’ll get in compensation for what we suffered [00:01:00] 

What are judges and lawyers worried about [00:03:00] 

The things we go through when divorcing [00:05:00] 

When no one can help us [00:06:00] 

Living according to fairness [00:07:00]

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hi there. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. Today I want to talk about something that a lot of people don’t understand. And the reason they don’t understand is it’s really, really, really hard to come to terms with. Now, if you’re going through a relationship break up. And has been treated poorly, that could be via financial abuse, even, um, physical abuse, emotional abuse, you’ve been cheated. Or your partner gambled away everything, all of your assets, who knows. There are so many awful things that happen day in day out there to beautiful people. 

But if you are thinking the court is going to help you. I hate to tell you this, but you’re going to be disappointed.

And every day, someone will tell me a heartbreaking story about how they’ve been treated or how they’ve been controlled. What they’ve been prevented from doing in their life. And they think they’re gonna get their moment of glory, where the court is going to use the awful things that have happened to them to protect them.

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And this is what is so wrong with the system. Unfortunately, the court doesn’t care. The lawyers, they do their best. The lawyers that I work with are very, very compassionate. And they love to do something, to help someone out, to get them a more significant proportion of the financial pie or give them that outcome that they really want and strive for.

But it just doesn’t work like that. And suppose you’re coming into the situation where you think. In that case, because you’ve been poorly treated, you’re going to get a more significant split of the assets. I don’t want you to be let down. I want you to be prepared now, especially here in Australia, where we have no-fault divorce. Many countries are the same, and some states in America who are, are moving more along this term as well.

But just because you think you’ll get the chance to air your dirty laundry in front of a judge or with some lawyers. If you believe that’s going to make you feel better and it’s going to get you more than you legally deserve you’re wrong. Unfortunately, the way the legal system is structured, the judge is worried about, or the lawyers are concerned about is who’s going to get the couch.

And when am I going to see the kids, or when is my client going to see the kids? They don’t care about you not being able or not being given money throughout your relationship. They don’t care that decisions have been made that weren’t the decisions that you wanted to make. Yeah. But you followed suit just to be blunt, say the team player in the relationship.

They don’t care whether an affair has happened and you are heartbroken. And it’s so awful to watch when someone thinks that they’re going to get more because they’ve been mistreated, but the court just doesn’t care. They care about who owns what, they care about who bought what into the relationship.

They care about future needs. They care about the kids, and there are a few other things that they care about. Still, unfortunately, they don’t care about being complicit in a relationship. And I use that word complicit because maybe you’ve never felt that you were. Still, you find now looking back that you’re angry at yourself because you allow things to happen, which in hindsight, you should’ve stood up, you should have said no.

And unfortunately, that’s what the court looks at. They look at the fact that there are two individuals. In a relationship, any time, someone could have said, no, I’m outta here. Or could have said no. I know that that’s not what it’s like when you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t work like that.

If you’ve got someone that’s a bully, someone that’s narcissistic, someone that’s heavy-handed. You’re just going to do what you’re told, just to keep the peace. I don’t want you to think that you’re not entitled to more than what you are. I mean, we’ve all got to make sure that we get the proper and appropriate legal advice.

It’s critical to make sure that you have a clear understanding from your lawyer, your, from your legal professional, uh, what you are actually entitled to. But I just don’t want you to get hurt and heartbroken. When you think you’re going to get a more significant share or you’re going to get an outcome, or you’re going to get your day of reckoning and it doesn’t happen.

I’ve sat there in legal meetings before, and I’ve seen lawyers say, sorry, I can’t do anything about that. Sorry, I can’t help you with that. And clients get really emotional and upset because they thought they’ve got the strength or found the strength to finally stand up and move on. And get out of this relationship.

And it means nothing. It means nothing. The court doesn’t care about the act of betrayal that you and everyone, you know, was shocked and appalled by. The court doesn’t care about the actions of abuse. Or addiction, or, you know, the gambling or the drinking. Ultimately the court is just there to help divvy up the property, help you with your finance agreement and the kids.

So if you think that this is going to be the end of it, and you’re going to feel better, you probably not. And the answer is probably going to lie in a lot of counselling and therapy. You’ve gotta be able to find a way to work through these feelings. And fairness is such an essential thing for many of us in society because justice is what we think makes the world go round. It’s what makes it a better place. If I leave by fairness, shouldn’t the other person that I’m in a relationship live by that same criteria. Unfortunately, I’ve learnt through doing this over and over again, that it doesn’t work that way. So this is only a really quick podcast today.

Um, it’s a sharp one, and it can hurt some of you. But I’m sorry. I just want you to be aware if you go into thinking that you are entitled to more, because how you’ve been treated, or you’ve been forced to do things. To buy properties to live in places, to own cars. To not do what you wanted at your relationship, and you’re going to be reimbursed for that, or get a most generous split, It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t work like that. And it’s sad.

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