Statistics show that people in unhappy marriages are more likely to get divorced or separated in December and January. If we collect Google data, we will see an increase in inquiries about divorce from November to January compared to the rest of the year. Why?

Christmas and New Year’s eve are dates that tend to put our lives in perspective and is usually at this time of the year when we decide to make a change. Still, the decisions we make are nuanced by a set of factors.

  • We do not want to ruin our kid’s Christmas
  • The financial strain 
  • Happiness through someone vs self-induced happiness 

In this episode, we walk the road of the tough decisions to be made during this sensitive time of the year. 

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps:

Divorce does not need to be terrible[00:03:00]

Are you 100% comfortable and certain about your decision? [00:04:30]

My reason to get a divorce[00:06:20]

The biggest mistake we can make [00:07:00]

Statistics about the end of the year [00:09:50]

The children issue [00:11:30]

Staying year after year in unhappiness [00:12:30]

My job, my purpose [00:14:00]

Holidays and bad decisions. [00:16:00]

Links:

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

The Jelly Bean Jar – Hard Copy

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

Divorce Roadmap

Transcription

[0:19]  

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the divorce Angel Podcast. I am excited that you’re here. I hope you had the most amazing Christmas last week. 

[0:30]

If you’ve already separated, it probably was a time of reflection, looking back and wondering where your life is today, wondering if you’ve made the right decisions. It’s a time of thinking if the choice that you’ve made is the right one. No one can answer that but yourself. 

[1:00]

I have a lot of listeners that have not left their marriage. I know this for a fact because I’ve spoken to quite a few this December, who want to leave their marriage. They want to wait until the Christmas period was over. 

If you’re in that position, I recommend that you go back and listen to some of the first podcasts I did. 

You should listen to the ones I recorded about what I call “The five steps to a seamless divorce”. These steps are the victim, overwhelm, acceptance, focus, and victor. 

Those podcasts outline how best you can get through your separation. Our research shows that you must touch base with each of these different categories to help you move through the process of a successful divorce.

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I use the word successful. Success can mean anything to anyone. Every one of us has a different interpretation of what that might mean. And I can’t tell you what success looks like for you. When we do a divorce roadmap with our clients, we asked them for five key categories. 

We set the best possible outcome that we will use as a starting point and reference. When things get a little bit emotional, we’re able to come back to the divorce roadmap and look at it again. That outcome becomes our anchor in our decision making. 

[3:00]

If you’re about to separate, and you worry about your future, consider doing a strategy on what you want to get and what are the outcomes you want. Divorce does not need to be terrible. We’ve heard it all over the news, we’ve seen the movies.

3:30  

The media tells us is that way. When we address our emotions, and we tackle a divorce from a different perspective, it does not need to be harrowing. 

It can still be heartbreaking because we’ve changed our direction. We’ve made different choices. We never thought our relationship would end up where it is. But we can pick our socks up and we can get on with it. 

You don’t need to do it the way the lawyers want you to do it. They would say send a letter, let’s do this aggressively.

We don’t need to do it that way. It’s farcical, it’s a mistake. It’s something that you need to see and contemplate. Is that what you want for your journey or your family? 

[4:30]

I’m sure you already probably know that. But I just wanted to reiterate it to you. In this podcast, I thought I would discuss the present that nobody wants at Christmas. 

If you’re listening to this podcast and you are one of these people that are unhappily married, and you’ve decided that you want to leave but you’re waiting after Christmas, you want to make sure that you put everyone else’s expectations in front of you. 

And you’re prepared to continue for a few more weeks or a few more months to go through the process of making sure that you are 100% comfortable and certain about your decision. 

[5:20]

On December and January, we see an increasing number of people inquiring about separating. And I’ve often wondered, why do we see these increases at these specific time of the year? If I go back and look at the Google data about the people that have googled divorce, the best way to get divorced, how do I get a divorce? There’s an increase from November, through the end of January. 

People are googling these questions wanting to know the answers. They are preparing themselves, they are getting ready to have a conversation with their partner. But if I look at the reasons why it peaks around this period, and I feel I can talk about this because I left my husband in November. 

[6:20]

My reason was I knew I could not go through one more Christmas being unhappy. I realize it. I had to do something. I could not even bear the thought of going through another Christmas and pretty much I felt like I was living a lie. I thought “I can’t pretend for one more minute. I’ve got to do something about my situation and my circumstance because if I don’t, no one will for me”. 

Over this period, the reason that explains why we see an increase is we have these expectations of our relationship, of what we want them to be and how we want them to go. We put those expectations on our partner to be the person that they need to be to make us happy. 

[7:20]

That’s the biggest mistake we can make. Because no one should be making you happy, we should be making ourselves happy. This is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I did not realize this at the time when I was living my ex-husband. 

I have learnt that if I am not happy on the inside, I will not be happy on the outside. Thinking that someone else needs to make me happy is the most ridiculous thing ever. And that’s why so many relationships that I’ve worked with fails. Making us happy is no one else’s job. 

It’s your job to make yourself happy. Expecting someone to do something that will make you feel a certain way, is never going to work.

8:16  

Pretending that you have the perfect family is such a lot of emotional strain on a person. Because no family is perfect. 

I’ve come to realize that those robotic children that don’t complain or don’t do anything, as kids, it might be amazing for their parents, but as adults, they are not good leaders. 

The kids that talk back, those who want to ask a question, they are interested in what’s going on. They are the leaders of tomorrow, but I didn’t realize this when my children were younger. 

It was all about military-style upbringing, making sure that the kids did and said what they were told. I look back now and think I don’t want a cookie-cutter child. I want my child to be a 100% respectful, and for people to say that they’ve got beautiful manners and all those things that are important. 

I don’t want a robotic child because he is not going to be a good leader in the future. I want my children to be exceptional. I want them to have an amazing life. 

For that, they’ve got to be able to think for themselves. So putting all of those expectations on other people is what causes this emotional stress. The next part is there’s a massive increase in alcohol consumption throughout Christmas and the New Year. 

[9:50]

The stats show that there’s a massive increase in domestic violence. I think the last report I read was 157% increase of reported incidence over the Christmas and the New Year period because people are drinking more than they normally would. The police are having massive numbers of calls during that period with what’s going on behind closed doors. 

The other thing is that we’re attending more events, and we’ve got visitors calling in to see us and the first thing we do, especially here in Australia, we drink.

[10:35]

We have a high number of people that drinks. It’s a way of socializing, it’s what we do. When you look at alcohol and people’s reactions, perhaps not only if you’re under the consumption of alcohol, you might say something you should not.

Once words are spoken, it’s very hard to take them back. Events will happen. And they either stick in your mind and it can be if I use the analogy, the nail in the coffin. 

You keep thinking “We can work on this, this will be okay” But then something happens and you go “Enough, I’m not going to deal with this for one more minute, I am not going to put my happiness aside to allow someone to say or treat me the way they do”

[11:35]

Then there is the children issue. This is a conversation that I’ve had with numerous women over the last month.

“I need to stay for the kids at least till Christmas. Let’s make sure that they’re okay. I’m going to make sure that they have a very nice Christmas, both financially and emotionally. So when I leave at least I know that that’s happened”

The biggest issue I see here is a woman stayed one Christmas. Then she decided to stay the next one and then she decided to again. Then she turned around and said, wow, I should have left earlier. 

The issues in her situation were all-around fear. And she couldn’t do it. She told herself she would not be able to survive without a partner. She stayed in an unhappy marriage. 

[12:40]

Don’t be that person that stays year after year and use the children as an excuse. If you can fix your marriage, I am the greatest supporter of fixing a marriage. My job is not to go out there and make people separate and break up. 

If you’ve ever heard me talk about this, the reason that I do the job I do is because of the stats that we have. And they’re very similar around other parts of the world. But we have 40 to 50% of first-time marriages failing. We have 70% of second-time marriages failing and 90% of the third.

I cannot do anything about the first time marriages because I’m not there when someone picks a partner. But I can do something about the second and third-time marriages. I can get people to think differently. I can get them to take responsibility. I can get them to love themselves. I can get them to be in love with themselves so that when they made a new partner, they know what they want. They’re not happy accepting anyone because they feel they need someone to either support them financially or emotionally.

[14:05]  

That is my job. I do not want to say the 70 and 90% of second and third-time marriages fail, I want to change that step. That’s my goal. That’s my purpose. That’s why I am here, to help and to make people’s lives different when it comes to that second and third time around.

[14:25]  

Okay, we’ve just got through these Christmas, if you’re unhappy and you realize it’s not going to work, it’s time to do something about it. Because when time is gone, we don’t get it back. 

The next one is the financial strain. We’ve got this financial strain over Christmas and New Year’s period because the average person spends around $500 on Christmas. So we’ve got plenty of people coming around all the time, all these things put additional strain on a family budget. 

Then we’ve got holidays. In a lot of cases, most businesses will shut down over the Christmas period and people are forced to have holidays.

[15:30]

So if you run your own business, more stress yet again, because you’ve got to pay up all of your staff’s wages and you’ve got no income coming in. Holidays put financial strain on families. 

The other thing with holidays, according to what research has shown is that if you think that you’re going to make it work, everyone goes. There’s so much stress throughout the year that once we go on a holiday and relax we think we will make things work better. We will have a different mindset, therefore, everything will be better. 

But what often happens is when people are relaxed, we start to see that we have grown apart. We’ve got different ideas of what our future looks like. It could be that when you go on a holiday, one person wants to relax, the other person wants to go on adventures.

All of a sudden this conversation that you haven’t had, because you’ve been busy running around with the kids and everything else, once you have it, it does not set your heart on fire like it used to before. 

And something might be said and you will think “that is it, It’s not working”.

Over this period is when we see an increase of divorces and separations and that is sad. And as I said, it’s the present that nobody wants at Christmas. 

[17:05]

If you are unhappy, no one can make your life happy. But you if you are unhappy, you need to do something about your circumstances and what’s going on in your life. No one can fix it. But you. 

Hopefully, this podcast has been able to give you some idea as to why possibly one or a few of these points may have rung a bell for you. And you go, yep, that’s exactly the situation I’m in. Or I can relate to that. And if that is the case, please get on to our website and book a 15-minute clarity call. We’d love to see if we can help you to put together a strategy to help you understand what the next steps might be, and how to keep it as amicable and as cost-effective as possible. 

It does not need to cost you your house, it does not need to cost you everything emotionally. The way you have your first conversation with your partner will be the start of how this all will turn out. 

Where are we? What’s the date? It is nearly the end. Oh, it will be the end of this year. So this will be the very last podcast for this year. Can you believe it? I just want to thank every one of you for listening. My heart swells at the thought that you will spend time listening to what I have to say. I want to just thank you from the bottom of my heart. I get emotional because I want everyone to get through divorce in the most effortless way possible. And I know effortless sounds ridiculous when we’re talking about ending a family or ending a marriage, but it can be if we think differently. So that’s it for this podcast. Have a great new year. I love you all. Thanks for listening, and I appreciate every one of you. Okay, bye for now.

 

 

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