When we think about the story of our divorce, we need to understand that in most cases is much more than what we believe, think, or feel that happened and ended our marriage. Those stories could be a prison and what holds us back and won’t let us move forward. 

And some stories might be sayings from our parents or siblings when we were growing up, and we carry them around as truths without questioning them. In today’s episode, we will talk about how our stories can hold us back and keep us as hostages. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

The effect of happiness in our lives [00:03:00]

Some of the stories I carried for years about money [00:06:00] 

What going through the emotions of our divorce can do to us [00:09:00] 

You can start your new life tomorrow [00:12:00]

Links 

Restore Me – Waiting List

https://www.tanyasomerton.com/RMWaitList

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. And I’m actually the Divorce Angel.

I have a business that helps people work their way through divorce, but not only that, what I found when I was going through my divorce was that there was no emotional support.

There was no one standing by it, other than my family and friends, who were doing the best to help me. 

But the problem was they really didn’t know what I was going through because it wasn’t in real-time. What I do with my clients is going through it with them in real-time. I’m dealing with this situation day in, day out.

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And to be honest, it’s my Dharma. It’s the reason that I’m here every day I get up, and I’m so grateful for the beautiful people that I work with, but not just that. With the help and support and the little bit of information that I think that I’m giving them, they can make such a massive deal for their life.

Today I want us to talk about unveiling the real things that are holding you hostage. So if you’ve been listening long enough to my podcast, you would know that early on, the very start of my podcast said, going back to number one, we talk about the actual fundamentals of getting divorced. 

So the lawyer had a structure, all of your information, and everyone else, you need to get through this difficult time.

But as the podcasts have moved on, I’ve got more into the emotional side because, let’s be honest, what’s money. 

What is money? Money is necessary because it helps us buy things. But you have to ask yourself, at the end of the day, would you prefer to be really, really rich or to be happy?

It’s interesting because I’ve done research on this, and there are so many rich people out there that seem to be unhappy. And what I’ve realized is when you’re happy, there’s no value you can put on that. So you can actually put a value on the dollar. Can’t you? Whichever country you’re from, the dollar has a value.

But how do as an individual, do you put a value on your happiness? Because doing the spiritual work also that I really love to do, I’ve come across some delighted people and, as a side effect of being incredibly happy, have become quite wealthy. 

And they haven’t come, or they haven’t become wealthy because of hard work. To be honest, the wealth has come from ease. It’s been easy for them to get rich as a side effect of their happiness. So I wanted to talk today about unveiling the real things, holding you hostage. Because it’s essential and it’s something really close to my heart because I want each and every person I want you, I want everyone around you.

I want you to have a ripple effect on the people in your life. 

So if I can give you a little bit of information that will make you happy. Then you have a ripple effect on your children, on the people you work with, on your friends, your colleagues, everyone. 

And that’s what’s so unique about us as human beings because we are conscious humans.

We have an effect on everyone around us. So it’s so important when we’re happy. We make other people happy. So. I may have talked about this before, but I just want to go over it again. If we could imagine that everything in our life forms a boundary around us. So I am talking about how we’ve grown up in this school.

We went to the church, possibly that we attended our family, the football team. Even, you know, the government, whether it be, um, you know, who, who that, who your parents vote for? All of those things, what they start to do is they form this box around us. They become our beliefs, they become our stories, they become our identity.

And it’s also what keeps us trapped. The information is. Sometimes, you know, I know with my kids, they. Their identity is, Oh, well, we’d Barrack for this football club, or this is the area that we live in, or this was a school we went to when I listened to them, I’m thinking, Oh my goodness, I never ever realized the boundaries I were putting.

I was putting around my children. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing as a mother. I thought I was sending them to the right school. I would be taking them to football training or basketball training, or netball training. And all of those things I thought was teaching my children how to be outstanding adults.

I was teaching them how to be team player. And here’s the thing. Our parents think that we are doing the right thing. We believe we are helping our children become adults, that they need to be no different from what your parents did for you. But now, when I look at not only my life, but I look at my children’s lives.

I can see that their opinions and beliefs and the stories they tell indirectly tell the stories they tell because, lets be honest, they don’t know that they’re telling a story. And maybe you don’t see that you describe an account because I know that I never realized that I was telling a story for a long time.

So we’re not talking about a Disney fairytale here. I’m talking about things that we learned as children. So for me, if I can give you an idea of some of the stories that I knew was my dad often said, well, money just doesn’t grow on trays, Tanya. You can’t just have that. You’ve got to work hard for what you have.

I even learned from watching my mother and father who divorced and did haven’t well, I can really only, um, you know, recall them having an unhappy marriage. When I think of what their marriage was like when I was growing up, it was depressing. I remember I can even feel that tension when I would walk into a room, and the two of them were in the room.

Now today, my parents are good friends. They talk on the phone, they’ve got grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and there’s no animosity between them that there’s certainly no love either. There’s a friendship there and respect because they’ve brought children into the world. But there’s certainly no love, but the good thing for me now, looking back on all of those uses, I don’t feel the hate when they’re in the room together.

I actually feel like they’ve got over all of that, and there’s just respect that they have. And so I try to also do that with my children. So when I’m in a room with their father, I make sure that I go out of my way to actually be nice to him. And to be honest, I’ve really got over it all. I, um, uh, well, that’s not true.

Let’s just stop there. I want to be honest with you guys because that’s what this is about. Let’s say, let’s say I’m 90% over everything. I think that’s a fair call. There’s probably 10%, even now 10 years on that. When I see him, he might say something, and I might feel some sort of triggering emotion because I recall what it was like when I was married to him.

It doesn’t mean. That I need to live in that space anymore because I don’t have those triggering emotions at all because my new marriage is far from the same as what my old one was. But the point that I’m trying to get across to you right now is when you go through the emotions of your divorce, you’re going to have a story.

You’re going to have a story about whether it was all your ex’s fault. Where that died in, try hard enough with marriage is just tricky with that. You know, you failed because that could be something you’re telling yourself, but we all have a story about our situation. So really, I want you to think about this.

I want you to be honest with yourself. What is the story that you are telling yourself and the people around you about what happened? Because we all have one. The key here is inside this box that we live in, where we have these beliefs, and we have these stories and these identities that we’ve grown up with. Inside this box is where we live. But the key to a successful divorce is being able to look outside of the box. The instructions for a successful life are the outside of the box that you live in right now. Wow. 

You are sitting down. And there’s just a cardboard box and imagine it in your head right now. You’re sitting down; there’s just this cardboard box.

You can feel the roof, you can feel the floor, your legs are squeezed up against your chest. And that box is the walls that you were leaving. That’s how you make all of your decisions, how you make all your choices. It’s what you say to other people. It’s what you even tell your children. That box is your life.

It’s everything you believe. And this is the hardest part. The hardest part is that the books eat while it’s keeping you trapped. The box is only cardboard. But it’s like this imaginary force field. That’s keeping you where you are right now. 

If I was to say to you right now, your new life starts tomorrow, and it would be so easy, you would have no fear.

The most amazing, the growth, the money, whatever you want, the happiness, the new love, whatever you want in your life is on the outside of the box you live in. What would you do? Would you remain where you are right now? And then the question I have is.

If you aren’t prepared to stay where you are right now inside this cardboard box, that’s quite cramped. It’s keeping you prisoner, as such. It’s holding you hostage. How much is that costing you? Is it costing you years of your life? Is it costing you happiness? Is it costing you freedom? Is it actually costing you money because is it costing you money?

Because you’re not out there doing what you’re meant to do in the world because he’s the thing the world needs us. The world needs all of us to be our full potential. So are you doing everything that you could possibly do right now, or are you stuck inside this box? And that’s the question that I have for you right now.

Are you stuck inside this box now? I can’t get you out of the box only. You can get yourself out of there, but I can tell you right now that if you are hostage in your life, the only person that’s keeping you hostage is you, your stories, your beliefs. What you think is real, but freedom is on the outside.

So what, my friends, are you going to do about it?

I really want you to think about all of this right now. It’s pretty hard to comprehend. Hopefully, it’s made little triggered something in your brain to make you think about what I’m saying. Cause it’s essential. And I want you to succeed more than anything else in the world. I want you to have the ripple effect you were born to have, but that starts with you.

Okay. Well, that’s it for this week. It’s been a little bit deep, but hopefully, it’s giving you something to think about. And I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

 

 

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