Hello and welcome back to the Divorce Angel Podcast. I’m so excited to bring you this last podcast in our series of my philosophy of divorce. I’ve been going over the five principles of divorce success and how we take our clients through each of these steps. Let’s recap before we get into this one.
The first step is victim and it’s how did I find myself here? And whether we like it or not, we all have a bit of victim in us and we have to get through that step and highlight that we feel that way before we can move on to overwhelm. Overwhelm is where I can’t do this, it’s all so hard. It’s at our overwhelm stage where we really need to try and highlight what it is that’s holding us there. We need to go through each and every one of these stages so no one should be pushing you faster than you need to, but the overwhelm stage is also a bit of healing and it’s where the reality of everything hits you. It’s managing to go work, to look after the children and everything else in our day to day existence that we need to continue to do.
After overwhelm, we hop into acceptance and once we’re in acceptance, it’s okay, I’m getting on with it because you know things aren’t going to change. By ignoring it, you’re just going to stay in the victim and overwhelm stages. We need to accept it so we can get through it and move on. At this acceptance stage, it’s a bit like swimming across a river. You can’t just stop halfway because you’re halfway between victim and halfway between victor. So, you need to keep swimming. You just have to keep going.The stage after acceptance is focus and that’s what we’ve talked about last week. Focus is Oh, my God, the end is in sight. When we’ve got focus, we’ve got direction, we’ve got clear steps, and before we know it, we’re at the victor stage, which is what we’re going to talk about today. This is the very last stage. This is where I explained it as I learned, I loved and I live on.The definition of victor is short for victory, obviously, and it means achievement or mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties. Let me just read that again. The achievement or mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties. Now, that just explains what divorce is all about. Just got to love that we are now at this stage. You may feel like you have just been to war and survived. It’s exhausting, but you’re at the end. The signs that you are victorious are your picture for the future is clear. In other words, you’ve learned. You have feelings of happiness, contentment, closure, excitement, and possibly relief. For me, that’s you’ve loved. You look back and you can’t believe how far you’ve come, how strong you are, and what you’ve achieved. That’s where you live long.Let’s break each of these down. You’ve learned. For me, your picture for a clear future. When you deal with something as emotional as divorce, the strength, resilience, and wisdom you develop is amazing. Hindsight can be wonderful, but living and breathing this experience can also be very excruciating. So many people at this stage say, “I should’ve left earlier. I probably knew something was wrong I just ignored it.” This where the learning about yourself happens because you never want to go through this unhappiness ever again. I think Einstein said it the best and that if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, that’s the definition of insanity. I’ve learned that time does not go on forever. I must now put off for tomorrow what I can do today. I had this limiting belief myself that I wasn’t smart enough. Whether it was something told me as a child or whether it was just because I felt at the time I’d married a man that was much, much smarter or intelligent than I was. I’m not sure which of it was. I really struggled with not being smart enough to do everything myself. Not being able to live by myself, Not being able to make my own choices, not even being able to go through the divorce process.What I’ve learned from is that there’s a whole lot of different kinds of smart. My kind of smart is different to others. I may not have a degree, but my willingness to learn the hard day has thought me many lessons, but most of all, tenacity. Tenacity is a trait that I seem to have in spades. Tenacity has made me strong. Tenacity has made me hungry for information to improve my life and others. Tenacity has made me stick my middle finger up to the world and pretty much say bring it on. My time here on Earth will not go unnoticed. I will make a difference to those around me and all those I loved. I’ve learned that I don’t have to say yes to something that doesn’t make me happy. I have choices. I’ve learned what inner peace and happiness is really like. Then, if something happens tomorrow, I will be strong enough to deal with it head-on.Then, the next stage is you have feelings of happiness, content, closure, excitement, and possibly, relief. I call that you loved. At the time when all of this happened, there’s so many negative feelings and they’re rampant and at times, can be uncontrollable. There’s no doubt that you’ve probably said things you probably didn’t mean, but it’s probably too late now. I often say that the thought of marriage, there are moments of happiness, but because we can only remember the very end when things are bad, those memories of the good times just don’t seem to stick in our mind. For instance, if I think of my marriage, my first marriage, it was 22 years and overall, the first 16 were probably amazing. They were really good years, so I had more happy years than bad. When I’m talking to clients, the same thing. When they tell me the duration of their relationship, they’ve had more good years than bad. But for some reason because near the end, all we can remember the bad, that’s sort of the taste that we have of the relationship and it shouldn’t be like that.Let’s be honest, you loved this person enough to get married, to have children and build a life. There must have been something there worth fighting for, but the time is no longer right for the two of you to be together. It’s as simple as that. Having love in your life is an honor. Someone gave you their greatest gift. Whether that was for a short time or a long time, it was a gift. There’s such a fine line between love and hate. Having an emotion in between is better for the long term because someone once said to me, hating someone is such an emotion that takes so much energy. The person that you hate probably does not even know. They don’t even care. The energy and emotions that you are using to hate someone gets you nowhere because they don’t know and they don’t care. I’d prefer to use that energy to improve my life or to meet someone new.The next stage is you look back and you can’t believe how far you’ve come, how strong you are, and what you’ve achieved. What I call this is you lived on. Looking back is like reading the pages of a novel and you can’t imagine how you’ve managed to get through it, but you did. This is when, my friends, your name is up in lights. You are the star of your life. You never thought on your wedding day that it would end like this, but you managed it anyway. You have to be independent. It’s critical for your future. Having control of your finances, your wishes, your wishes, and aspirations, that’s the exciting part. You no longer need to ask someone else for their approval or ask someone, “Is it okay if I do this?” You are now alone and independent and it’s exciting. It really is. It doesn’t need to be scary, it can be exciting.It’s also at this stage when I hear many people say, “I just want to find love and I want to get back into a relationship.” There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but before you hop into a new relationship, you need to fully understand what it is that you want out of your life because as we’ve said last week, if you don’t have a plan, you become part of someone else’s plan. You need to fully understand what it is that you want out of life and no regressing. For me, this is where we’ve come full circle. Congratulations to you because you’ve, without a doubt, been able to figure it out. You figured out what it takes to put the jigsaw pieces of your life back together and that’s exciting. So, what’s next?What’s next is what I can call, plan, do, review, evolve, and celebrate. We need to plan. You now need to live your plan, you need to follow your map for the future. If you don’t have a plan, as I’ve just said, if you don’t have a plan, you become part of someone else’s plan or there’s another saying that if you don’t have a plan, you’re actually planning to fail. It takes a bit of time, but it’s worth it. It really is.Now, I think I’ve talked about before a Harvard that they did around people that had finished a degree and did goals. Please bear with me. I can’t remember it completely, but it goes along the lines of they broke all of the people into three categories, one-third of them did not even write goals, they did not even think of goals. They just went off after they finished their degree and just lived their life. The second third thought about goals and they thought about what they wanted to do with their life. Then, the third group actually thought about their goals, they wrote them down and put a plan in place to execute them. When they came back and reviewed these three categories, what they found was that the people that had written down their goals not only exceeded the outcome of what they wanted, but they’d surpassed it by so much. The middle group who had thought about goals and what they wanted to achieve, they’ve done pretty well as well, but they just hadn’t got nearly as far as the guys who’d written down the goals and put a plan in place to execute it. The very first group that did not even think of goals, they hadn’t really gone anywhere at all with their life. It just proves that the need for having a really solid plan is so important for a successful future.Then once we finish the plan, we move on to the do. You need to stick to the plan and try not to get off track too often. It’s okay just like a diet if you have a cheat day, but remember the importance. It’s just like a recipe and if you put in the wrong ingredients, the cake may not rice, or if you put a bearer in the wrong position when you’re building a house, the floor may fall in. You need to make sure that you follow the plan as best as you can. Then what we want to do is we want to regularly review it. Once you followed your plan, remember to revise and review it as life goes on. The plan is not forever because things will change and so will you. You need to add to your plan, improve it, and update it regularly. Then we get to the evolve stage. You might kick your goal out of the ground, over the fence, and into the park across the road, and that’s what I hope you do. The things is, economies change, people get promotions, children leave home, many, many things can happen. That’s why we need to evolve our plan. We just need to keep adding to it, taking stuff away, and it really is a living, breathing document. Last of all is celebrate. You need to celebrate. Life is for living, enjoyment, and love. Remember to celebrate the little things because all of those little things combined make something amazing grow. That’s what I want for you. Celebration is key. We can’t always be happy, but what we can do is try and do the best we possibly can in the time that we have here on this Earth.Now that’s it for victory. This is where the steps I take my clients through. From victim, to overwhelm, to acceptance, to focus, to victor. When my clients get to that victor stage, jeez, it fills me with joy. I can see there’s so much possibility for their life and they fully are accepting of what’s happened where they’ve come from and got to. If you’re not at this stage right now, if you’re not at victor stage, but you are at victim stage, that’s okay. Just know that bit by bit, things will happen and occur and it’s a journey. A lot people don’t like that word, journey, but if you don’t like that word, it’s a pathway, it’s a ladder. It’s whatever you want it to be. It is steps that you need to take to move from where you are to where you want to go.If you need any help with this, please, you can email me at tanyasomerton.com. I’m more than happy to help and provide any advice I can if you’re dealing with this. Hop into our Facebook group and have a look there. We’re more than happy to answer questions or see what we might be able to do to help, but a divorce roadmap is really important at a time like this if you’re starting at the start. It’s really key to make sure that you know where you’re going and what you want. Make sure you can do your own and start to put those steps in place. Put a plan together and I wish you nothing but luck.That’s it for this week’s podcast. I hope you’ve enjoyed how I’ve explained my philosophy of divorce and how we’ve got through it and the things that we do and help our clients with. I really hope, for you, it’s something that will make a difference. All right, until next week. I’ll say bye for now and I’ll see you then. Bye.