When someone asks us how are we doing, we usually answer everything is okay, even when it is not. For whatever reason, we tend to hide our feelings, not accepting them, denying them, in a way. 

In this episode, we will talk about the effects that practice can have on our lives and, most importantly, our future. I want to invite you to know the benefits of walking through your feelings. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Not everyone gets through a divorce in the same way [00:03:00]  

Why we tend to hide our feelings from people [00:06:00]

What happens when we get stuck in what could’ve done different [00:09:00] 

My mother’s lesson about love and the jellybeans jar [00:12:00] 

The questions we need to ask ourselves [00:15:00] 

It’s okay to let go [00:18:00]

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Book: David R. Hawkins – Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

 

Transcription

Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week’s podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. And I just wanted to welcome you here today. If you’ve been a long-term listener. Thank you. I really appreciate the time that you give up to spend with me. And I really do hope that. Some of the content that I’m talking about is making a difference to you.

If you’re new to the podcast, welcome; I’m so happy and grateful that you’ve decided to leave. If you’d really like to get some more information about the fundamentals of going through a divorce, I really suggest you go back to the start and work out what you need to put together. What’s important and how critical it is to have all of your ducks lined up, especially when it comes to the legal side. 

So making sure you have everything you need in order.

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And if you go back to the start of the podcast, there’s a lot of fundamental episodes back there that could really make a difference to you and save you a fortune in legal fees. And it could also just give you one or two tips that could make such a difference to how you act with your ex-partner. 

So, today I wanted to talk to you about walking through your feelings. Now let’s be honest. We all have feelings, and no one can tell us what is right and what is wrong. 

If what we’re feeling is the right feeling to have, or whether that’s just ridiculous. Because no one knows what each and every one of us is going through.

Like, let’s be honest. You can have two people going through the same divorce and acting in entirely different ways. You would think that, you know, they’ve both been married to each other for some time. 

So, therefore, they should be feeling roughly the same things, but they don’t, they simply don’t; there’s so much going on in our life, in our history, how we’ve been bought up the stories we tell ourselves such as such massive things, because of the levels.

It’s been a few months now, whatever the case may be, whatever someone is telling you, just listen to you, listen to what your intuition is telling you because that’s what’s most important. If you need to work through your feelings and take longer than you expected, then maybe it’s time to see someone about it.

But this is not something that you get over straight away. And like I talked about in last week’s episode about morning, you have to let yourself mourn. You are mourning the loss of something. Very, very important. It’s been something you’ve put your blood, sweat, and tears into. It’s something you’ve had these wishes and aspirations of, you know, fantastic outcome.

Maybe you thought you were going to be with your partner till the day you died. And even that alone is enough for you to feel the feelings. Now, emotions are important because you would not be human if you didn’t touch them. 

So feeling the feelings is good. As much as it might be painful. It’s also good because it tells you that you’re alive.

It tells you that you’re OK, but you’ve got to work through them. So the belief is, you know, we shouldn’t show people that we’re upset. We shouldn’t show people that we’re hurting when people. Or when someone says, are you OK? We go, yeah, of course, we are. Yeah, everything’s fine, no problem at all. When deep down, we’re not, maybe not even deep down, it could be very, very, you know, just below the surface.

And if anyone pokes hard enough, you’re likely to burst and. I’ve been there. I remember thinking that I had it all together. I remember thinking that I could bluff everyone, but then what I found was I had so many balls in the air. I was juggling so much. I felt so much pressure to be perfect, to be able to get on with it.

I didn’t want other people to worry about me, especially my family. And I was saying, no, no, this is all I care. I’ve got this under control, but then one little thing happened. And that was enough for me just to go into this intense depression because it takes a lot of energy to sit today, strong all of the time.

Yeah, it takes a lot to pertained because, for me, I’d pretended for so many years that I was happy in my marriage, even when I wasn’t. When it comes to the freedom of putting the steps in place to improve my life, rather than get more accessible, it got more challenging for some time, actually, a lot harder, you know. Still, looking back now, I had to deal with all of that to become the person I am today.

I had to deal with all of those emotions to understand what pain really was because it’s the feelings, the feelings that I was, I was giving meaning to. So I felt like I was lonely. I would then have this story about why I’m lonely because no one wants to be with me, or the reason I’m lonely is that I’m not good enough.

Or the reason that I’m lonely is no one can please me had all these things twisting around, going through my hate. And none of it was true, but at the moment, I was trying to put meaning to the feelings that I was having. You know, if, for instance, your partner may have left you, you might be putting stories to what you’re feeling about how you’re not good enough.

You might be thinking to yourself. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. Um, certainly. Looking back could have tried harder, could have done more, could have been more. And my friends, that is, is simply your interpretation of what may have happened because having dealt with divorces now, for an extended time, I can honestly tell you sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it has nothing whatsoever ever to do with you. Sometimes it’s just that the other person has changed. What they want in life is different. It could simply be that they no longer are the person that you married. And I witnessed this in my parents’ relationship.

My dad had been in a Naval accident when he was in the defence force, and the ship sank. And after 16 years of marriage, he got PTSD, like really, really bad due to my brother’s age, because someone in his cabin was the same age as what my brother was at the time. And my dad did not cope well at all.

And he really was in the wrong place now. The consequence of this was that my mom had to deal with it. And she couldn’t because my dad changed. And this is a really personal story that I’m sharing with you right now, just to make the point.

Sometimes things happen that are outside of your control. Sometimes it’s just not your fault that your relationship isn’t working anymore. Sometimes the other person has changed, whether it be for good, whether it be for bad and that the two of you together no longer work. Now, the beauty of that is if you stay longer than you should, you’re wasting ease.

But at the time, it feels so painful that you just can’t even. It’s been my fault. I’m not good enough. You know, I haven’t tried hard enough. I could have done more. Whatever it is that you’re, you might be telling yourself it’s not true. It’s not true. And if the other person is telling you those things, they’re also a fever because when someone really wants marriage to work, they try harder.

They do more; they put in a hundred per cent. I was actually telling my mom this today when we had our conversation. And I said to him, you know what, mum, I. I really get upset when I hear someone say, I’m not going to do X, Y, or Z because you know, my husband or wife won’t do X, Y, and Z, because if neither party is trying, of course, it’s not going to work.

And you’ve heard me say before in my marriage now, But talk about the jelly beans. And if you’ve never heard about the jelly beans before, I have a book called the jelly bean jar, and the reason it’s called the jelly Bain jar was that when I was a little girl, And my mom and dad separated. My mom explained to me that when you fall in love, you will give a jar of bright, beautiful jellybeans, and every time someone does something wrong at jelly, Ben gets removed.

Now, if you don’t do something to replace or to replenish the jelly bane, eventually, what happens over the lifetime of a relationship, whether that be short term or long term. Given how bad the other person is, or how many mistakes or things that they’re doing. And they’re not replenishing the jelly bean jar.

And it could be simple as lets, for instance, say, it’s your turn to put the bin out, and you don’t put the bean out, and someone’s got to get out of bed. You know, the other party’s contacted to get out of bed and take it out. And then you don’t apologize. Whatever it could be, something as is meaningless as that, but that’s enough for a jelly Bain to be removed.

So what I do in my marriage now, my husband and I know that this is what we do. We have jelly beans everywhere; I am ever doing whatever I can to make sure that I’m making his life easier. And 100% does he do that for me? Every day. I know that he’s doing something caring for me. He could be exhausted yet.

He still comes home, and we’ll cook dinner. And I said to him the other day, Hey honey, why do you come home and cook dinner? When you know, I can do it. And he goes because I know you like it. When I do it now, that’s just him putting more jelly beans in the jelly bean jar. And that’s what marriage is all about.

It could just be my simple way of explaining it, but it’s just that simple. When dealing with our feelings, if we don’t address them, we don’t get to the root cause of why we’re feeling it. Then it just stays, and it lingers. And then what we do is we take it into our next relationship. So not long ago, I spoke about a book called letting go, and I’ve talked to a few clients about letting go as well.

And we’ve gone through the little exercise, and I want to do that right now with you. So, if you’re feeling an emotion right now, if you’re feeling a feeling and you can’t actually name it, what I want you to do is to sit down in a quiet place. It could be in a chair, or it could be lying on your bed.

And I want you to feel the emotion you’re feeling like, where is it in your body? Is it in your head? In your heart, in your stomach, in your back, where is it that you were feeling this emotion, and when you close your eyes, and then you just feel it like you actually feel it. And then what I want you to do is while you’re feeling this emotion, ask yourself if you know what it is.

What is it that you’re feeling? Is it anger? Is it resentment? Is it longing? Is it love? Is it loneliness? Is it fear?

Is it being frightened, angry, feeling invisible, exhausted, miserable? What is the feeling that you are feeling, and then once you’re able to actually feel it in your body with your eyes closed, as you’re laying or sitting quietly, just feel it and accept it, accept it for what it is because it’s, it’s telling you something?

It’s telling you that it’s OK to feel the way you are, or it’s telling you that I get why you think the way you’re feeling. And then once you thought it and you’ve accepted it. OK. I want you to thank it for being there. I want you to say to the feeling, thank you. I appreciate that you are actually here.

Telling me that this is OK to feel a name. Just let it go. OK. Once you’ve accepted it and you love it for telling you that it’s OK. Just let it go. Because this is the difference. My friends, when you get up every day, and you feel something, and you feel it over and over and over again, and you do nothing about it, and you just ignore it, just look at the bed, smell. 

It keeps coming back time and time and time again. It’s trying to tell you something; it’s trying to warn you of something. It’s trying to prepare you for something. It’s trying to teach you a lesson. OK. So except it love it. Be grateful for it. And if you do this the right way, I promise you, it will never come back.

It will disappear. It will be gone. But you can’t deal with all of the feelings at once. So you can only do these one feeling at a time. So I talked to a D client of mine, Sharon, not long ago, and I was giving her this process. And I know she’s probably listening right now. A shout out to Sharon, and I was telling her about how I had a toothache.

And if you know my story, I have through stress at my previous job and grinding my tastes so much and having to have acupuncture in my jaw. I have split. Nearly all of my teeth and my dentist have done such a great job at rebuilding them all, but the stress has really taken its toll on my teeth. So not long ago, I felt a bit of a toothache coming on, and I thought, Oh geez, golly, gosh, another root canal coming up.

So, what I did is I went to bed that night, and I felt the pain. I didn’t take any medicine. I felt the pain, and I can tell you right now, the more I pictured it in my mouth, and I could pinpoint the tooth that footballs and more intense. There’s no doubt about it. The pain got more intense, but then what I did.

Is, I was grateful for my teeth. I was thankful for how they allowed me to eat food. You know, how they held my face together. How I do, even though they’re split, have sweet teeth. And so I was so grateful for everything, and I felt the love for my teeth in my soul. I felt it. And I was just going over and over for probably about 10 minutes.

All of the great things that my teeth have allowed me to do. The sued that they’ve enabled me to eat. And. I really did that. The pain got worse, but all of a sudden, the more I thought about all of the great things that my teeth had led me to do, the pain just disappeared, and I kid you not, it disappeared instantaneously, and it has never come back.

It’s gone because I’ve trialled this method in different parts of my life. And I can tell you, it works. So that’s what I want you to do. I want you to work through your feelings. I want you to accept them. Appreciate them; love them because they’re warning you. There, they’re protecting you. They’re telling you that it’s OK to feel the way you do and then be so grateful for them.

Be so happy for your body telling you that it’s OK to feel the way you do. Appreciate it. Appreciate what it’s telling you. And then just let it go. And don’t come back. It’ll be gone. And then you can move on. You can start to move on.

All right. My friends, that’s it for me this week. If you’d like to know more about that book that I was just talking about, and that process is called the letting go process. And it’s the pathway of surrender. It’s a great book; I have listened to it over and over and over again. And I use the technique regularly.

It’s something very unique, made a difference to my life and many people around me. And I hope it makes a difference. Sorry. I hope it makes a difference to yours as well. All right, that’s it for me. And I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye. For now.

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