One of the first things we make clear when a client approaches us is to be positive about getting divorced. It is a huge decision, and we warranty there is no doubt about it before we start the engine of our support machinery. Still, what I’ve realized during the clarity call sessions, is that people’s biggest struggle is not about getting a divorce or not, but how to do it. If you already decided you want to separate but don’t know how to do it, this podcast episode is for you.  

Let’s get into it

 

Timestamps

Is it possible to have a life of freedom, happiness, and love? [00:01:30]

Have you explained to your partner, how do you feel? [00:03:00]

100% commitment [00:04:30]

The seven alternatives [00:06:00]

Why do you need to be sure about separation? [00:08:00]

Security after divorce is everything [00:10:30]

First steps into getting divorced [00:13:30]

The importance of looking at the full facts [00:15:00]

The biggest issue about getting divorced [00:18:00]

Links

Podcast Episode #2 – When is the right time to leave my marriage?

https://tanyasomerton.com/when-is-the-right-time-to-leave-my-marriage-2/

15 Min Clarity Call:

https://msgsndr.com/widget/bookingcalendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Transcription

Hey there, this is Tanya Somerton, I am back again for this week’s Divorce Angel podcast. Now, for those of you that don’t know, I have a Facebook group called the Divorce Angel Facebook group. And before you can come into the group, I actually ask you a few questions. And I do that because I need to understand how I can help and support you with what you’re going through and what you’re dealing with. And to make sure that we have the resources to help the people that are going through challenging times right now.

I hear people say quite often, I want to separate, but I don’t know how to do it. If you go back to, I think it’s maybe my second or third podcast, there’s a podcast back there on how to separate the right way, which might also give you some ideas. 

The other thing is, If you go to my website, www.tanyasomerton.com, under our programs tab, there is a free resource, which has quite a lot of content about that.

There are downloadable eBooks, some padded pick the right lawyer, and a few other things that might really be beneficial to you. And as I said, it is free material. So get in there, have a look and make sure you get as much information as possible before you take steps to start this journey.

So can you imagine a life of freedom, happiness, even purpose and love?

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And the answer to that question is yes. Yes, you can. And you might say, well, Tanya, how do you know that? Well, I know that because if that wasn’t what you were searching for, you wouldn’t be listening to me right now. So how do you go about wanting to separate and doing it the right way?

So there are a few things that you really need to do. You need to understand clear in your mind why you want to separate and make sure that you’re not just jumping ship because everything seems too hot. A question I often ask the clients at the clarity call is, do you still love your partner?

Because if you still love the person you are married to and still love you back, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. But quite often, I will say to people when we have our query core, have you actually explained to your partner why you feel the way you do? 

And this question, sometimes I am entirely perplexed by the answer that I get.

In many cases, people haven’t explained to their partner, their wants and needs and why things aren’t working. And leaving marriage counselling until when everything is so wrong that it can’t be repaired. 

We should be working on our marriages every single day.

We shouldn’t be waiting to they are so bad. And in such disrepair that there’s no hope of making it any good. We should be working on this every single day. And if you’ve been listening long enough, you would hear me say the lessons that I learned from my previous relationship.

And these are the lessons that I’ve learned. And maybe this is another podcast I should do one day. 

Working with people day in day out in this area, I see the same things happening over and over again. And we’re all making the same mistakes, but no one is addressing them. So in my marriage, what happens is my husband and me, we give 100% to each other, not 25, not 50, not 70, not 75, but 100% to each other. 

Every morning when I get out of bed, my first thought is what I can do today to make his life better? And he will do the same thing for me every day. What is it I can do to make Tanya’s life better. Now don’t get me wrong, It’s not perfect. We both still, you know, are learning our ways around our new relationship.

We’ve been together now for nine years and married for five coming up in November. Still, we’re committed to making each other’s lives, better. And I’ve learned so much from my previous relationship. 

I know my issues, the things that I do wrong. I know that when I’m tired or, if my husband said something in a specific tone, I have like muscle memory to my previous marriage.

And all of a sudden I get reticent, but there are things that I know for sure I need to work on. 

But our communication is so important. If I say to him, hey babe, I don’t know if you realize, but that just brings back a sombre memory for me. Or it brings back something that I don’t want to have in our relationship, and straight away, he apologizes.

But a tool I learnt long ago was, every time you feel a certain way, or you feel triggered by something, think about it seven alternatives. So straight away, my response to him talking in a tone might be that he’s unhappy with me. He’s aggressive with me. I’ve done something wrong. Or something that might happen on his drive home from work, someone’s cut him off.

He’s had a terrible day at work, he’s hurting in some way, shape or form. So whether that be because he does a physical job, has he hurt himself at work, but he doesn’t want me to worry. So he doesn’t tell me. What I do is whenever I feel triggered, I go straight away to thinking of all of these other reasons. And my interpretation, I can tell you in 95% of the cases, is not at all, what he meant.

And it’s because of that on my website I have “How to tell your partner you no longer want to be married”. And it’s a course, and I show you how to use specific tools and techniques, that have been taught to me, to make sure that we deescalate, and have a good conversation about what are we feeling. 

There’s so much that our subconscious mind takes in and we don’t realize it is being taken in. So when we want to separate, all of those consequences that we’re so worried about start showing up. But if you really want freedom, happiness, purpose, and love, you need to find all of those things in yourself and not from someone else.

And in many cases, a lot of people haven’t found happiness, purpose and love for themselves. So they’re wanting someone else to deliver that to them. But when you know for sure, you want to separate, and it’s a pretty much a black and white decision. It’s either yes or no.

It’s not ever, oh, I’m considering it, weighing it up. Because by the time you committed to leaving, you know, for sure that you want to go. No one ever makes that decision wondering, Oh, is this the right decision? Or should I have stayed? 

The only time they do do that is when there are emotional or psychological problems that need to be addressed with either a counsellor or a psychiatric professional. 

There might be underlying reasons for those specific problems. Perhaps abuse or other things that have happened. And those people need a significant amount of love and support and an excellent help professional network around them.

So what do you need to do to separate? Once you’ve made the decision and you know that you need to leave, the next thing is understanding what the consequences of that are. 

And to understand the effects of leaving, you really need to work out because unfortunately, for all of us, security is the number one thing that we need. 

And to be secure, we need to understand how we’re going to pay our bills. How are we going to have a roof above our head? What’s going to happen to the children? And sometimes those three questions keep us in unhappy relationships because we don’t have the answers for them.

When we do a divorce roadmap, we get the answers to each and every one of these questions. And in a lot of cases, when we do divorce roadmaps, people who thought that they couldn’t survive, realize it wasn’t that bad as they thought. People often say, there’s some money in this other area that I didn’t know that I could touch. There could be control issues in your relationship. No two divorces are ever the same. And no two people’s wants and needs are ever the same.

For instance, if you go back and listen to last week’s podcast about Rachel, Rachel had no money, nothing. She was actually so far in debt that it wasn’t funny. So security to her wasn’t about finances. It was about finding herself, standing on her own two feet. And that’s what you need to ask yourself. Is the ability to leave the unhappiness of your relationship? What is controlling your emotions right now?

Would it be better for you to be single than to be in this relationship? We don’t ever get married, hoping that one day we will get divorced. When I put ads on Facebook, sometimes I have to control myself when I see people the most ridiculous comments about why people get married. It is because they’re trying to make money off a partner or they want a better life, but it’s not about love or anything like that.

The most ridiculous thing with that is that the other partner chose that person to be in their life. They picked them to get married. It wasn’t like they were forced into it. In marriage, both parties have to agree, it’s a contract. 

Now just to make that comment really clear as well. Obviously, there are religions around the world where people are, either the Troast or, parents choose who someone marries. I’m not talking about those folks in that comment. The majority of people who get married, get to pick and choose who they marry and why they get married. 

So, On Facebook, when people write those comments, I know for sure that they’ve had a bad experience. Whether it be their parents or themselves, or something that they’ve witnessed to give them that idea. Or their interpretation of what marriage is all about, because there are far more good marriages than bad. Well, that’s what I want to believe. And it’s also what keeps me doing what I’m doing. Because I’ve seen many people leave their first marriage and be so happy in their second marriage simply because they make different choices. And it’s not a one way. Right? 

So back to you and back to wanting to separate, but not knowing how, you’ve made a choice, and you are sure that you’re going to leave. The next step is understanding how is your financial position today. And we do this when I do a divorce roadmap. And this is what I would suggest that you do as well. 

To find out your current financial position, you got to have to get things like your mortgage documents, your credit card bills. You must compare the debt and the assets that you have with your partner.

And we call that in and out. We put the data in an assets and liability sheet. With the assets and liability sheet, what we can do is work out a net position of the couple. And this is where everything starts to get either a little bit exciting or a little bit daunting. Because it’s that correct number that allows us to understand how you can survive and what that means.

Now when clients work with me, when we’re looking at that net position. It tells us a story. It tells us what your future will look like. And that’s important for you to understand if can you afford to keep the family home or maybe you need to rent it. But everyone’s individual position is different from the rest.

There’s not a blanket rule on this, and that’s why it’s essential to make sure you have someone that can help and guide you through it. 

I say this because I’ve seen many times people not looking the full facts and making wrong decisions. I even had a mortgage broker a few weeks ago who I was talking to. And she explained to me that she gave her ex-husband, $60,000 out of her bank account. And I said to her, Oh, why did you do that? And she goes, Oh, because I’m keeping the rental property that we have. What she didn’t take into consideration is that the rental property and she’s in this industry, she knows that she doesn’t have the amount of money to refinance a loan. And I explained to her that it wasn’t that simple. And then, you know, she would need to get some orders to transfer titles, and she would need to refund finance and mortgage.

She said, well, I can’t afford to refinance a mortgage. And the property that she owns is in a state where the investment is not going up in any form of capital growth. But here’s the thing, losing money that she already put into was so bad for her. She was prepared to take on the risk of a lousy performing asset just so she didn’t lose the stamp duty and the deposit that she put into the house initially. But when you’re separating, I like to think about it as a reset on life. It’s a chance to learn what didn’t work and what is working and making sure that what you do, puts you in an excellent position moving forward.

So from a mortgage brokers perspective, she thought she was doing the right thing. She thought by giving her ex-husband’s 60,000 and keeping their house that it was a level playing field. She didn’t take into the account the rest of the consequences. 

So, he still gets 50% appreciation. Like there was so much that this lady hadn’t thought through. And that’s why you need to be thinking the same way and making sure that you’ve thought about all of the consequences and you’re aware of them. If you don’t go and get the proper advice, and a lawyer is really good at giving legal advice. Still, they’re not good at providing financial advice.

That’s why my team gets excellent results. Because we work together as a collective to look at someone’s financial position and legal position from a holistic point of view. 

And that was the biggest issue that I found out when I was getting divorced. Lawyers didn’t do that with me. And it’s a flaw in the system, and it’s such a floor that it causes people to be financially worse off.

And because there’s nothing to compare your situation to since no two divorces are the same. It’s not like you can go through and research and find out what someone else did, or what someone else didn’t do. And this is what you need to be mindful of.

So wanting to separate names, you need to have a net position of your financial circumstances. And I want to just be clear. I want you to discover that divorce doesn’t need to be complicated, it doesn’t. We, humans, make it difficult. We think because we don’t have the answers that it’s tough. We listen to other people’s stories, and they may have gone about it the wrong way.

I can tell you right now, I know that many people do. Still, when you do it the right way, it can be enlightening, empowering, and it can be the restart that you need to a successful life. 

So added everything that I’ve just explained, I’m wondering though if you understand that that is not the hardest part of getting divorced. Because I can help you through the fundamentals of it.

But the hardest part of getting divorced is the emotional side. You must know that you can do this. You should know that you’re strong enough and that you can have a better life. It’s being the person that you need to be to have that better life.

So if you’re going to do this alone, you make sure that you have an excellent support network. That could be a divorce coach. It could be a counsellor, it could be someone like that that keeps you on track and helps you move forward in the right way. Because if you become stagnant, all of a sudden, it’s like a game of snakes and ladders and you just slide all the way back then again. You want to make sure that you’ve got momentum and you keep moving in the right direction. The other thing is you may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself for a particular outcome, for a specific expectation of living standard. And I want you to realize that by getting rid of all of those expectations, your outcome could be a lot better. And not being committed to a particular result will allow other amazing things to happen to you, other opportunities. Because you were thinking differently. So when you ask yourself, what’s really important to you, you’re going to immediately start to be able to convince yourself. That taking the next steps of what is right for you and your life.

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