The moment we must deal with our divorce or separation, the first thought that comes to our minds is that we failed. We might think that we lost at the game of life because our marriage didn’t work out. But as we said before, the end of our marriage can be the beginning of a new life. It is the new chapter of a new life, we only need to embrace it. 

Once we go through the darkest parts of the divorce and emerge victorious at the other side of the tunnel, we will understand that it was all meant to happen this way. 

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

How I see divorce vs how lawyers do [00:02:00] 

Mixed emotions during a divorce [00:04:00] 

The old me compared to the new me [00:06:00] 

What is our purpose? [00:08:00]

It is not about winning or losing [00:10:00] 

How I struggled during my divorce [00:12:00]

You’ll love the lessons you’ve learnt from this [00:14:00] 

Links 

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome to the first episode of 2021. Wow. Oh, wow. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, and I hope you’re all setting your intentions for 2021. I’ve thought long and hard about what I wanted this episode to be, because how you start something?  How you keep your momentum going and how you stay strong? And over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about how I best help you. And I thought about doing an episode on intentions and getting you to understand the power of them, and the power of you sticking to your word. I thought about that. And then I thought maybe what could be really valuable at this time throughout episode 101 might actually be, if I talk to you about what I’ve learned from hundreds of divorces. That might be able to assist you.

And here’s the thing

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. When I talk about divorce, I sort of mean from the start of your separation all the way through until you have completely rebuilt. Divorce to me is not the legal term that the lawyers use whereby you are. Just, you know, burning your marriage license. Cause that’s pretty much what it is. It’s only a divorce decree. When I consider divorce, I think about divorce as a period in your life where everything gets thrown up in the air, and you can pick and choose what you keep and what you don’t. And many people think that it is a life-changing experience.

That makes everything worse, that makes everything feel like you’ve failed. That makes you feel like you’re a failure. And I get it because I was like that too. I’ve spoken about this before, when I wrote my book, the jelly bean jar, I did my book launch with a few other people, and I remember. It’s still to this day, it brings up emotions for me.

I remember doing one of the most incredible things that I’ve ever achieved: I wrote a book. Who would ever have thought that I could have written a book and being an author? If I can do it, you can do it. You certainly can. I was doing, my book launch and all of a sudden waves of emotion come over me. Not only for what I had been able to achieve but for what I felt. You know, the feelings all come rushing back to me, the feelings of how I’d failed, how I didn’t succeed, how things went wrong, all of that negativity that I’d felt for such a long time that I didn’t want other people to handle.

I was feeling it. So as much as I can sit here and say, you know, divorce can be a good thing. I know where you are right now. You can’t even envisage that for one minute. You probably are so upset, lonely, worried, fearful, concerned, mixed in with all of that optimism, hope to understand. There are so many good things mixed in with all the horror of divorce.

And that’s why, if you think about it, most of the time you’ve got this churning feeling in your stomach, because like I just said, you’ve got the good and the bad, pretty much just mixing with each other. It’s a bit like oil and water, and no wonder you feel the way you do. So, what I wanted to explain today is as much as you feel like that, right now, divorce can be where you throw everything up in the air, and you pick and choose what you want to keep and what you want to throw away.

It can be a time when you can. Look at the things really honestly, look at the things you didn’t do well because no one’s perfect. And anyone that says that they are, they’re not. I’ve got this saying that people that have all of the answers, they actually know nothing. I’ve learned from my experience that I was an absolute minuscule person back then when I was married, compared to who I am today, I was the wife of a man, the mother of three children. I lived in a house, and that was my identity. When I loved that identity, I was playing, being so small, so small. That I would have remained there, had my marriage not fallen apart.

I would have stayed that person. And I felt for an extended period that there was more to life when I was bringing in the washing or when I was, you know, um, cleaning the house or the things that I still do today. But they were back then my identity, the rushing around they’re doing all of the things I would do all the things just to keep my mind off the troubles of my relation.

And that’s when you know something’s wrong. So right now, today I look back, and I couldn’t even imagine being that person anymore. Even if I could roll back the clock and go back to the beautiful house, I lived in. And being a stay at home, mum, would I want to do it? No, I wouldn’t want to do it because the world needs each of us, we’re here for a reason.

We’re here to make a difference. And if anything, I would hope that my children, well, I actually know this for a fact, my youngest daughter for Christmas decided that. She wouldn’t give presents, but she would write to each of us a letter. And it was the most beautiful thing I’ve received. She put in the letter how proud she was of me and how Tanya’s evolution had happened before her eyes.

And she wrote that the strength and resilience that I’d shown. Had made her look up at me and think, well, if my mum can do this, then I can do it too. And even if that’s the greatest thing that can come out of what I went through, then I’ve achieved what I wanted to achieve. Because people talk about purpose every time people talk about, you know, what is my goal?

What am I here to do, or why? What’s going to get me out of bed each and every morning. Imagine though. If my purpose was just that one thing. What if my purpose in life was just simply to show my daughter that you can go through bad times and you can still turn your life around and be happy. She says in her letter that she’s never, ever seen me so happy.

And she wrote to a stepfather, my husband, Richard, that she thanked him so much for making me happy. She thanked him for allowing me to be the person I am now. Wonderful. Is that, uh, anyway, deep breath, Tanya, keep going. So that’s what I want for you. Your purpose doesn’t need to be a big, massive life-changing thing.

It can be only just showing one of your children. How to act in times of sorrow in times of heartache, when things are absolutely at their worst, that could be your purpose. That could be your reason right now. It doesn’t need to be about money. That’s the other thing I wanted to talk about in cash means nothing, unless you are happy.

I see each day couples fighting over the split. You know, they fight over what they feel essential. And sometimes all it’s about is the win. Sometimes even if they’re prepared to be reasonable, even if they say, yep, let’s have a 50, 50 split and one person gets, let’s say 49%. One gets 51%. There’s always a winner.

And what happens when there’s a winner means that there’s also a loser or someone else’s wrong. And why does someone have to be wrong? Why can’t it just not have worked? Why can’t it be that it just wasn’t meant to be? Why can’t it mean that maybe you were only meant to be with this person for this period to learn something, to become a better person because if you hadn’t have met them and you hadn’t gone through what you’ve been through, you wouldn’t learn?

And then in the coming years or whatever your future looks like, you’re not going to look back on the experiences that you’ve had and the troubles you’ve been through and the relationship lessons that you’ve learned to then know what to do next time. Because if you don’t understand the lessons, you make the same mistakes, don’t you.

And that’s why divorce can be a really great gift. You can regroup, you can recap, and you can revisit what was important, whether it’s your decision or whether this decision was pushed upon you. It just means that someone in the relationship isn’t happy, something isn’t working. And if it’s not working, someone needs to change.

Well, that’s what I hear people say, but in most cases, both people need to change. A good relationship is about compromise, and sometimes people just simply don’t want to compromise any. If I go back to the person, I was that my daughter witnessed. All I panned on the heart can tell you I could have done things differently.

There’s no doubt I could have done them better. But I did the best I could with the information that I had. Like back then, there weren’t things like this podcast, you know, we didn’t have people sharing their experiences too and make other people’s lives better. I dedicate so many hours to this podcast to help you.

Because there was nothing like this around for me. And why should you make the same mistakes I made because, at the end of the day, when this is done and dusted, it’s how you hold your head up high. It’s how you reacted when things were at their worst. It’s how you, you know, had self-integrity and you stuck by your morals, and you didn’t get them dictating and nasty, and all of the things that can turn a divorce into such a war and a war is costly. And war gets you nowhere. And the honest truth is there are no winners from war. People are injured for years to come. So if my purpose, if I look at it right now was to simply make a difference in my daughter’s life, letting her know that she can go through heartache and still be okay.

She can still find love at the end of it. No matter what, that she can always pick up the paces of her life. If that was my purpose and she indeed is a person who will make a difference in the world, then that’s okay. But if I can also share that with you and allow you to know that you will still be alright at the end of this, you will find love that you will learn the lessons from the mistakes that you’ve made, that you can do it by yourself.

That you’re not alone. I’m here for you—no matter where you are in the world. I am one email away. I can give you the tools that you need. You’re not alone. So no matter how you felt over this Christmas period, now I met a hell. You’ve got through it because I know many people just get through it.

2021 can be the start of you thinking differently. It can be the start of a new you, it can be a start to that life. 

When I was like that, when I was in that position, who would have, I thought I would ever be where I am today, who would ever have thought that I would get a letter, like a deed from my daughter?

When I thought I was doing it all wrong. Turns out that I did a little bit of it okay. Because she’s okay. And you’ll be alright too. So every day, just get up, be grateful for one little thing because that one little thing will build. And when you make your decisions, not from a winner or a loser perspective when you make it from what’s fair and what’s reasonable, it means that you can move on quicker.

It means that you can get over the hurt sooner. It means that when you’re talking to yourself, you’re not regretting things, or you’re not saying later on, why did I do that? Why did I act that way? Why was it that I was so angry? Sometimes you are just mirroring what you’re feeling on the inside to the people around you, to your ex.

Because you’re trying because you’re hurting. You’re trying to make them hurt, and it’ll get you nowhere. That’s the greatest gift or the most incredible piece of advice I could give you. It gets you nowhere. So don’t have these magnificent pictures in your head that you have not achieved what you were meant to accomplish in life.

Don’t think that you are a failure, because like I have just explained in this podcast, if my purpose was simply one thing if my goal was simply to allow my daughter to know that she could do it as well, that she will be all right, that everything, no matter what is going to be okay. If that is why I was put on this earth, and I fulfilled that now it does not need to be grandiose. It does not need to be millions and millions of dollars. My purpose can be simply that one thing. So I hope you can understand what I’m trying to tell you by sharing this with you today. Expectations can be something that we put on ourselves because we think we failed when maybe I never failed. Perhaps it was always meant to happen the way it did. So I could show my beautiful daughter that she could do it too, that we are stronger than we think we are. So I’m going to leave that here right now for you. And I want you to really consider what your expectations are of 2021.

What your expectations are of yourself, of your marriage, of your relationship,. And ask yourself, did you actually fail or was there something much deeper happening? Was it meant to be, if this was a path that you were meant to go down, why not just take a deep breath, get up every day and do the best you possibly can because when you do that, At the end of it, you’ll find happiness, just like I have. Okay. My darling friends, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye. For now.

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