As promised last week, today’s episode is the second sample of the audios I’ve recorded for the Restore Me program. In this occasion, we will talk about anger. Anger, and what makes us get mad is related to our identity and the stories we tell ourselves. If someone tells or does something that makes you angry, is that what makes you angry, or is the meaning you’re giving to those words or actions what upset you? 

In this episode, I want to help you discover what meaning are you giving to anger.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Our habits and choices [00:02:00] 

The simple definition of unhappiness [00:04:00]

What we need to ask ourselves when we get mad [00:06:00]

What we feel and what we think when we get angry [00:08:00]

The meaning we give to things [00:10:00] 

Stories we tell ourselves [00:12:00]

From point A to point B [00:14:00] 

What can we create from negativity [00:17:00] 

What’s the most empowering story I can tell myself? [00:19:00]

Our self-integrity at stake? [00:21:00]  

A powerful identity [00:23:00] 

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, and welcome back to this week’s podcast. Can you believe it? Episode 94, who would have thought I never, ever in my wildest dreams thought I would get this far when we started these podcasts, but geez, I love them. I love sitting down and dedicating time to talk to you. Hopefully last week in episode 93, you listened to module two of my restore made program.

And you could get some idea as to what we’re dealing within the program. Still, this week is a continuation of that recording that goes into the program and the Restore Me., That module two is Unknown Me. It’s really about getting to understand why you make the decisions and the choices that you do because sometimes we just get so used to becoming who we are.

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That when I fully understand that it’s not who we are meant to be. You know, it just becomes such a habit that it’s so ingrained that we keep doing the things that we’ve been doing for so long realizing we don’t need to do them anymore. You know, we don’t need to do them. It’s a choice. And when we change our choices, and we change who we’re being, cause you’ve often heard about me talking about.

Who we’re being and our identity, then what happens is that life changes around us and it can change so rapidly. It can be inspiring, but some simple techniques and tools can make all the difference to your life and who you want to become. Because the world is such a small place. Now think about it. You know, we can touch in this podcast.

It goes to America, to Russia, to China, to the UK, New Zealand, Canada. Oh, everywhere. And I can talk to you wherever you are in the world. The world’s such a small place and the world needs this. If we all got together and just did the right thing. Can you imagine how wonderful this place would be?

So by me sharing the little bit that I do, hopefully, it makes your life just that bit better. You take away just a little bit, maybe just enough to make a tiny difference for you. And when you build on that small difference, it’s like a ripple in the ocean. When you throw a stone in, and the wave just gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

And. You are meant for so much in life is so grand. You just, I have to make sure that you’re making the right choices and the tools are out there. You’ve just got to go and search for them. And in this episode, I actually talk about the simple definition of unhappiness. And it’s so simple that people in a lot of cases, miss it.

I hope you really, really enjoy it. I hope you get something out of it. And I think we’re going to launch again in January the Restore Me, program. And the people that are in there at the moment it’s fantastic. I don’t know if you can hear it in my voice.

Last night we did one the Q and A, and they are getting such transformation, that it is impressive. What they’re just putting some of the skills in place simply in conversations at work. And we’re only after module two. Imagine what’s going to happen by the time we’re finished module five. So enjoy, have a great day, whatever you’re doing. And just now, if you need help and support, I am here for you.

You know, I’m an email away, a messenger Facebook message away. You can contact me on my website. 

I’m here to help and support you. If you are lost, and you don’t know what to do. All right. My darlings have a great day. And remember you were needed in this world, and I hope you enjoy the rest of this podcast.

Okay. I want to share a tool with you here. That is something that I learned from my mentor, and it’s made a massive impact on my life. And it’s just a couple of questions that will help you gain more clarity and get you out of that anger or the sadness or any of the negative emotions. 

And it’s a process that you can use anywhere in life. Now we’re all human, and it’s easy to move out of love and into negative emotions when we’re in conflict. So what I’ve learned was, anytime that I was angry, I would say, what am I mad about? 

So the first question is, what am I angry about? What most of us do is we experience anger, and then we get reactive.

So we look at what am I angry about? So you acknowledged the anger because it’s an emotion. And then most of us, again, just react. But how about this? What if you took the time to write it down? And to acknowledge what’s going on. 

And when you take the time to analytically, contemplate the anger and ponder that for a couple of moments, asking yourself, what am I angry about? Then pondering it for a couple more moments and then ask yourself another question. And the question is, is this really what I am mad about? And many times what we think we’re angry about is actually just a smokescreen for something more profound than we’re not admitting to ourselves or not wanting to share.

We’re not communicating or letting things build up. So for example, you may be angry over your ex saying something negative about the kids not being ready when they turn up to pick them up.

And you take it to heart and then it looks like you’re angry about that, but it’s not, it’s not that you hold a story at a deep level, that your partner thinks that you’re a bad mother or father. So you notice how the profound lack of communication is. Are you a bad parent or he or she’s just maybe running late for another appointment?

And we think we’re angry because of the comment that they’ve made, but we’re not mad because of that. We’re angry because we had this story that we’ve made up that maybe my ex thinks I’m a terrible parent. Now, is that true? Could be true. And yet it’s not always true. And what I’ve learned over the years is anytime that we’re angry for one of the following reasons.

And it could be one of the ways that we think something has been done to us. Something has been taken away from us, or we are not getting something that we feel we deserve. Consider this notice every time you’ve been angry, for example, it can be even another emotion. 

It’s because you’re not getting something that you think you deserve, or you should have. The world is not working in the same way that you think the world should be.

And also what we do is we get angry because we think we’re deprived of something or somebody is not doing something that we believe that they should be doing. And let me show you just a quick way here to dissolve an argument. 

If your ex is angry with you and you just want to calm everything down. And it may be a little bit difficult depending on what your relationship currently looks like.

But one of the easiest ways to dissolve or deflate anger in someone is to say, what is it that you need from me? And that question just takes everything. It throws a bucket of water over a fire. Because the only reason they’re angry is that they feel like they’re not getting something from you. Okay. So let’s just recap the questions, and we’ll keep going.

So when you’re angry, ask yourself, what am I angry about? 

The first question is, what am I angry about? The second question, is this really what I’m angry about? Now, the next question is, what does it mean that I’m not getting X, Y, and Z? Now for you, what I’m saying here is that what does it mean to you when you ask yourself, what story am I telling myself?

What’s the meaning I’m giving to, I’m not getting X, Y, Z? And you could say, for example, your mother, when your mother does X, Y, Z, I’m not getting the respect that I think I deserve from her. And then what I’d look at. Is what’s the story behind respect? I mean, who says she has no respect? You have some meaning, some story like “my mother must respect me.”

Now, I’ll give you an example, your kids, and I don’t mean toddlers. Still, your teenage kids, or maybe your ex-husband or your ex-wife or your partner, whoever, if they’re not doing something like leaving dirty dishes on the counter or whatever. You get angry about that, and you tell them: don’t put the dirty dishes.

They put them away or their toys or their clothes or whatever it is in your life, then notice what you immediately do. Or most of you, you get angry, and then you go into your story about how you’re not getting something. They don’t respect me. They don’t appreciate my time. They don’t love me. They don’t care.

I’m overworked, doing this, doing that. And at the point is the next question. What does my story say about me? So consider that.

What does my story say about me now? 

Let’s just recap again, and it’s essential. Write this down. 

Question one. If you’re angry and this is, is a prevalent emotion. That’s why are covered here in number one?

What am I angry about? Number two, ask yourself, is it really what I’m angry about? Because it could be an underlying issue. You might think it’s something that it’s actually something else. Question three. What is it that I’m not getting? Which is a reason you’re outraged. Number four. What does it mean?

What story am I giving it? Am I telling myself about not getting blank? Whatever it is that you want. Then the next question is, what does my story say about me now? What it says about many of you and me included. You have some expectation of the world. And when your expectation is not met, then boom.

So you think about what makes you angry. Then you recognize if you hold these stories about that thing, you’re going to get angry for the rest of your life. Because people are volatile when you’re talking about the highest values or your stories, about the way people should be or the way they shouldn’t be.

And you’re pushing those expectations onto that person. Now the next is unhappiness. And what do you think causes unhappiness in people? So I’m going to share with you what it is, and it’s so simple that you’ve probably missed it. And happiness is this space between where you are in life and where you want to be.

Let me repeat it. Happiness is the space between where you are in life and where you should be or want to be. And then the easiest way to explain this is we have like the spirit in two places. Oh, I thought I would be happily married and looking forward to a future of love adventure, making memories.

And I’m not getting ahead. I’m not, um, you know, I’m now going backwards in life. My life should be X, Y, Z. And then we tell ourselves these illusions, well, if my life were X, Y, Z, then I would be happy. Now there’s no certainty around that. That’s just something that we’re thinking in our head. It’s an illusion.

There’s no proof that that would happen. And it’s such a broken strategy because we’re setting ourselves up for not being happy right now. And there’s always in that kind of thinking a point A, and a point B. And we keep finding ourselves at point A wanting to go to point B. And then once we get to point B, guess what we do, we create a new point A. And we’re working towards something all of the time. And so can you see how that’s a broken strategy? Because you can never be happy. And because of our stories underlying this, I have, I need to have “blank,” or I have to keep up with such and such, or I have to progress in my life, and I have to do this.

We just never get there. So the takeaway here is unhappiness is the space between where you are and where you should be or want to be. And there’s no doubt that you’ve got to let go. If you’re going to create, you know, well-being and peace internally, you’ve just got to let go. The essence of this week is everything comes from your ways of being. And your ways of being are fundamentally affected by your stories and your identity.

Now I’m going to cover this in detail because it’s in the homework. Still, it goes back to be, do, have. And you have to look at who and how I am, you know, am I being because as I had in the PDF, you’re being is the Genesis of all of your creation. And if you want more in life, you have to BE more in life.

That’s why this entire program is built upon the premise of restoring you. And you’re like, why the unhappiness, why am I not better off in life? Notice the story. You’re not happy where you are, and you have all these stories around why you should be somewhere else. And you’re not accepting that you are where you are wherever you are right now in life.

You’ve made the choices to be where you are. And I know that may hurt some of you, but it’s the truth because if we want to repair, we’ve got to first shine, the light on what’s not working so we can fix it. And I’ll be honest with you grey, or you disagree. It doesn’t matter. Just have a look at it. And the reality is that many of us, we don’t like where we are, and then we’re mad or sad about it yet.

We’re the ones who made the choices to get us where we are right now because every choice you’ve executed on or every option that you’ve made. It’s created something for you. It’s created something and that something is you and your tomorrow. So this is a vital thought, especially this week, all creating we’re all creators and what we’re making or not starting is a reflection of the way you’re being.

So let me ask you, what do you think you’re going to create from being negative? Yes, that’s correct—more negativity. Now, flip that and look at the people in your life who are being 100% responsible for their life. Maybe there’s no one, maybe there’s someone but try and picture them. Who in your life is 100% accountable for their life.

So the takeaway here is what you have in life. Is because you are being that person. What you have in your life is a 100% correspondence to the way your being. And until you’re changing the way you’re being, you’re not going to change the outcome that you want, the stories about change and transformation.

And you’re saying I can’t make any decisions, I don’t know the answers, I just can’t do this. I’m not ready to move on. If you considered that, it’s the way that you are. 

Being that’s preventing you from getting the change and the transformation you’re striving for in your life. So consider that because that’s literally the foundation of your entire life.

So what I want you to ask, what is the most empowering story that you can tell yourself about your future and your life? What’s the most empowering story that I can say to myself about leaving in transformation? I also want to point out it doesn’t matter whether it’s true or not, because where you’re going to get to a little later in our time together.

You will start to identify what the most empowering story that I can tell myself that will actually get me the transformation that I want is? The more than I tell myself the story, the more I become that. The more I believe that, the more that it affects the outcomes of my life very quickly, seriously, about your identity. Because identity is basically a state of being of who and what you are. So you have to look at everything. You have to look at your life right now because it’s a reflection of your identity, who have you learned to become. Now, I want to talk to you very quickly about alter egos as well. And you want to know yours alter ego, which is a person you’re becoming now for me.

And we spoke about this last week. It’s the woman with the red lipstick. She’s fearless, she’s driven yet loving. She’s ready to take on the world. On behalf of her clients, she’s energetic and powerful, and she’s here to make a difference. And I’m inspiring you to be that way. I want you to look at your identity.

I’m often talking to myself, what would that person do? And I’m always looking at how I can elevate and transform and grow myself to the place that I can be as she is. And every time I put on the red lipstick, I say to myself, this is me. Because I have to compose in my mind, what it means when I say this. Because to me, that means being kind and loving, compassionate, patient, and also want to point out that I am of this world just like you.

And I’m learning my lessons, just like you. And I was once told that one of my most significant limitations is that I have expectations of people. And when people don’t do what I think they should do, then I get angry, and I don’t know, I get bent out of shape, and I get frustrated and all these kinds of things.

Why? Because the world doesn’t meet my expectations and is also a matter of self-integrity for other people. Which has nothing at all to do with me. 

What do I mean by that? If your ex-husband your wife, your kid, your mother, whoever, and they say they’re going to do something, and they don’t all, that’s their self-integrity, not yours.

But you have all these expectations and stories, and then they don’t meet your story, and you get angry. And why? Because back to what we were talking about before, you’re not getting something. And I used to be that very same person. I would get all bent out of shape because I wasn’t getting something.

Now. Mine was like some of my values, my highest values, which we’re going. We’re going to go into quickly, but it’s how we treat people as well. We need to be kind when we borrow something, we need to give it back in better condition than when we got it. We need to be respectful of people. All these kinds of things are polite because courteous, these are all values that I’ve learned as a kid and many years ago.

You know, it was, I would get frustrated when they weren’t left by when my values weren’t met, and that’s me setting—unnecessary expectations on people. And then when they don’t meet my expectations, guess what I get angry, or I did get angry. I’ve learned to outgrow this. And as you can plainly see now using myself as an example, this is entirely nonsensical.

If you get angry, when people don’t meet your expectations, you’re going to spend your entire lifetime angry. You know, I can always do better. And I don’t mean perfect. Just I can do better than I did yesterday or the day before and every day I just need to try harder. So I used red lipstick as a reminder. I want you to look at what it is that could be the most potent identity that I could hold because your identity creates your outcomes as you’ve just learned.

All right. What I want you to think about right now is what identity would create, the outcomes that I want in life. Now, I’m going to wrap up here, but there’s something I heard many years ago, and this is how, or this has always stuck with me, really the one sentences. And this is the surest way to create the identity that you want.

And the phrase is “See things as you want them to be not as they are.” I’ll repeat it. See things as you want them to be not as they are. Still, for now, I want you to start thinking about seeing things as you want them to be not as they are because when you see things as you want them to be, you begin to become that identity.

I just was thinking, as I was going through here and sharing all of this with you is one of my central identities. We have many. Nobody has this one. We have an identity at work, and we have an identity at home. We have many different identities. But what I want you to look at your predominant identities. One of the identities that I hold in, especially in this program, and I would say it’s a prominent identity, is I’m here 100% to be a servant to you. And when I work from that place, I become that person. It’s essential for me to be patient and compassionate and whatever else you need, but that’s what I need to do because I’m the servant to you guys. And that’s where I work from. And when I work from that place, I show up, I do what I need to do as best as I can to help you.

So let’s just wrap up with this question. What would be the prominent identity? The highest identity, the most potent identity of what it is that you’re working on right now in your life? That would be the identity of the person that you want to become. And the identity, basically my prominent, the way they talk to themselves.

The way they see themselves the way they feel about themselves and the stories that they tell themselves we’re creators, and the world needs us to step up and be full of our potential. And we are here to evolve and learn the lessons of life. So remember that let’s do it together. 

 

 

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