Being stuck in life is not always the consequence of not having a choice. When we decide to stay where we are because we are afraid of what we might find out there, we are choosing to live in fear. The unknown is not necessarily a synonym of danger; it can be a new, rewarding life. So when we decide to stay where we are, what is the reward we are getting by living in fear?

Let’s get into it:

Timestamps

Future might look scary [00:02:00]

Ask yourself this question [00:03:00]

What drove humankind so far [00:05:20]

If I could, you can [00:09:00]

What inspired me so far [00:11:10]

Be brave for 5 minutes longer [00:13:00]

Fail your way to success [00:15:00]

Take action, any action [00:18:00]

Links 

Divorce Angel’s blog

https://tanyasomerton.com/my-blog/

5 Steps To A Seamless Divorce

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1008392

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the divorce angel podcast. I hope you’ve had a fantastic week. I’m here in Australia where I live, the weather has been spectacular. Maybe it is the universe’s way of apologizing for everything else that we’ve been through recently. Still, I often wonder how there are such contradictions in the world and in life in general.

Today I wanted to talk about one of the divorce angel business’ pillars. We support our clients through them. 

One of those pillars is having an expert team. That team helps our clients with emotional support, legal support, financial support, and what I like to call life support.

Because by the time you bring all of those things together, what we’re doing is recharging a person’s life. We’re helping them move forward with the best possible tools to be able to build a sustainable and beautiful future. But, in this life support part is where we get a lot of our insecurities. Let’s call them fears.

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Fear is what holds us where we are. And while we really don’t want to move forward, many people are too scared to put the first steps forward to improve their life. Firstly, they don’t have the tools to move forward. Still, the biggest issue is they are so unsure about what the future may hold, that the fear of staying where they are keeps them trapped because the fear of moving is more significant.

They just can’t step into what that future might look like and, I understand it, and I get it because that was me. I waited and waited quite a few years before the fear of doing something about my own happiness. I was outweighed by the fear of staying where I was and nothing changing and asking myself.

How much longer can I put up with this? Am I prepared to live this way, or am I actually going to do something about it? Because the truth is, if we don’t do something, no one else will, and if you can relate to this, you might be what I would call one of the struggling separated. I know it because I was one. A struggling separated is a person that is about to separate, or just separated but doesn’t have any idea of the steps that they need to take to improve their future.

But today we want to talk about fear and. One of the ways that I like to look at it when I’m talking with clients is, what reward do you get from living in fear?

So I want you to ask yourself that right now. Ask yourself that question. What reward do you get by living in fear? 

Let’s go back to the start. If we look back into human evolution, fear is one of the main reasons we’re still here. Many centuries ago, those people listened to their instincts, preparing themselves for what was around the corner, the dangers, the imminent threats were there, and they survived thanks to that.

The greatest thing about this is the genes of those survivors is the DNA that we carry around today. That’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? The DNA that we have comes from those folks that were, fearless or whether we call them strategic thinkers, risk mitigators, whatever term we want to put on it today.

Maybe just a very, very, very, very, very tiny bit, but you’ve still got it now. According to Charles Darwin, and he was best known for his contributions to the science of evolution theory, fear is an ancient instinct that remains untouched in modern civilization.

So, just like I said, the DNA of those ancestors and people that survived many centuries ago is still in us. So we have the skills to be fearless, but unfortunately, society has led us to be scared of the consequences. And today, I want to talk about how we can possibly address some of those.

Fear is what drove mankind to the present day, helping us to prevent all kinds of danger. It’s actually overthinking what prevents us today. We overthink and analyze everything. And the question is, what are you most fearful of? If you can answer what you’re most afraid of, then try and put steps in place to address that.

Then, you’ve got an idea of what you need to do to achieve that and prepare to take that risk versus the benefit. One of the critical questions that I ask clients when they start working with me, that’s actually probably the very first question, is what do you want to achieve.

We’re generally in fear because of the unknown. We just don’t know what is out there. Because of that, we’re just paralyzed and can’t take any steps in the right direction.

We’re also mostly scared of failure, and if we fail, our own identities can have serious consequences. 

Let’s go back to the question, what are you fearful of? Are you afraid of being alone?

Do you feel fearful of not having enough money? Are you afraid that you might lose the children, or your identity, that your current house gives you? Maybe you’re worried that if you separate, you’re going to lose all of that identity.

This was something that held me for a very, very long time in my own happiness. If you’ve listened long enough, you would have heard me say, you know, we lived on the acre and a half, we had a tennis court and a pool, and friends used to call us the hallmark family.

That time in my life wasn’t real. All of those things were what I was striving to hold on to the most. I think it was so shallow of me, but it was all that I had. You could be relating to this.

You might say I get this, this is how I feel, “If I get divorced, or I move forward in my separation, I may lose everything that represents who I am.” The truth of the matter is we can redefine our identity in another way. We can go about things differently. I look at myself, and I’m no one special.

I am exactly the same as you are, and if I can redefine and rewrite the chapters in my life, you certainly can. I’m nothing extraordinary. I am exactly the same as you, so we can all do this together. It’s one of my most significant beliefs that just because we’re divorced does not mean that we failed, and it’s not something we should be fearful of.

It’s actually something that we can be jumping into. If you’ve married the wrong person, then there’s no point staying in something that’s not working, and our minds would consider the change we are looking for in our lives.

Sometimes, the most significant danger we’ve ever had is because we are so assured of a positive outcome. But what is a positive result? Cause there are all degrees of positive. It is a 10% positive, is it 80% positive, or is it 90% positive? Because who’s to say that even if you stepped into that fear and everything was 10% happier?

If what you’re looking for is 10% happier. That 10% can grow up to 20%, 30%, 80% 90%, or a hundred percent over time. But you’ve at least to get a step into the fear to move into that 10%. And the same thing can be said around money. If your most profound concern is money, I’m not going to have enough money. If you are smart with what you do with your money, there’s no reason you can’t surpass what you have right now in your life. 

And I kid you not. That was the driver that got me to where I am today. I remember thinking, I’m going to show my ex-husband, I am going to surpass the life we had, and he’s going to regret the day he divorced me.

That was at the time, and that’s what got me moving. That was what got me walking into the fear. Do I think like that now? No. But I had to find some driver to get me moving. And that’s what I used. And everyone will use something different. Everyone will have a cause, a different reason for moving forward.

As we’ve said before, no two divorces are the same. Your experience that you’re going through right now in your separation or your relationship will be completely different from what I went through. So you’ve got to find yourself what that primary driver is that’s going to kick you up the butt and get you moving and moving into the fear.

Because on the other side of fear, It is some fantastic stuff, but you’ve got to be able to step into the fear. My word for this year is courage, and I’ve got this board in front of me here, saying, “a hero is no braver than an ordinary person, but they are braver five minutes longer.”

Being braver for five minutes longer can make a difference in someone’s life. 

So, it’s a tricky situation. If I’m not happy where I am and need to improve my life, I have to dive into uncertainty, which I’ve tried to avoid because I am afraid of the consequences.

The question is, is it possible to overcome fear? Yes, it is. Now, there are two ways you can do this. Step one is you can stop seeing failure as a dead end. Failure does not need to be negative. And this is the thing, the subconscious mind does not work in negatives. It only works in positives.

When you’re continually telling yourself, I’m failing on fearful, it goes into a hiatus, and nothing happens. But if you can change all of that negative into a positive. Even how you talk to yourself can make such a difference in how you address the fear. And it doesn’t matter what kind of project you’re working on, it doesn’t matter.

Whether it’s something at work, it doesn’t matter whether you’re building a business, it doesn’t matter. At some time, everyone fails. And I often recall Thomas Edison, and he said, I failed my way to success. And a mentor of mine once said, now I’m probably not going to get this a hundred percent right, but I will try and paraphrase it for you.

Edison had a workshop, and he’d been working on lots of projects for a long time. One night, his studio burnt to the ground. His son ran out, he was standing next to him as the whole workshop was smoking. Edison turned around and said to his son.

Go and tell your mother everything’s gonna be okay because all of our mistakes are now gone. We can start again. Now, as I said, I am paraphrasing that, but it gives you an idea into the man. 

And that’s what I’ve tried to do in my life. And that’s what I want for you. Consider that because it doesn’t mean that we failed. It means we’ve learnt, we’ve learnt from the mistakes and we’re not going to take them forward. 

And the other thing is, the more questions that you get answered, the more problems there are because, the more we evolve as people, the smarter we get.

The more questions are in front of us, which means they all need to be answered. So we never ever gonna find all the answers. But as we evolve and become more profound people, we have more questions, and every time a question gets answered, we’ve got more.

The next step is to take action. We need to put our thoughts aside and start doing. Paraphrasing one of the great thought leaders in history, Dale Carnegie, when we are inactive, we breed doubts and fear. Yet when we are active, we produce confidence and courage.

So the process of doing generates an outcome and steps is through fear. And that’s what we want. 

My mentor said, “if the instructions for your life were outside of the box you are living in, what would you do to reach them?”

So just imagine right now how you’re living your life. You are stuck inside of a box. If you knew, for instance, that you could have the most beautiful experience and their details were on the outside of this box that we call life right now, what would you do to get those instructions? What would you do? Would you stay where you are right now, or would you actively do something to get those instructions and live your life?

So it’s reasonable and understandable to be afraid of the unknown, and we cannot fight human nature. Still, we have all we need to succeed. If I go back to the podcast’s start, think of the DNA that you were carrying. All of us are capable of breeding confidence, and being courageous and failure is just one of the tools that we need to drive us to success.

So hopefully, you’ve got something out of this podcast today. If you would like to know more about the five steps to a seamless divorce, you can check on them on my website. All of the details are there. I’d like to thank one of my team members for helping me put today’s podcast together, and that’s the fantastic Sergio.

He is a gun, so thank you, Sergio, for helping me put this podcast together today, and I hope you got something out of it, and it helps you put your next foot forward and move through fear.

 

 

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