The effect of getting a divorce goes further than your family. It affects the entire circle of affection that surrounds you. This includes the extended family and your friends. At some point, you will start wondering what to say to them, how they will take it, what they will think about you, and your spouse. 

Even when this concern is common and legitimate, your primary focus should be your mental and emotional health, and your kids’, if you have them. Tune in and find out what should you say to your friends about your separation.

Let’s get into it

 

Timestamps

What should you say to others about your separation? [00:03:00] 

What people think when we communicate them about our separation [00:06:00]

We cannot control what other people say or think [00:09:00]

Explaining our decision [00:12:00] 

Asking ourselves what we want to share and what not [00:15:00]

Links 

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey, everyone. And welcome back to the Divorce Angel podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Somerton. And I am known as the divorce angel. I love helping people get through one of the most challenging times in their life. I have learned that having a process, having clarity and having emotional support can make such a massive difference to your situation’s outcome. So I like to think of myself that I felt all of the negative emotions when I was going through a divorce. I felt like I was a failure. I felt like I couldn’t get things right. I had the victim mentality of why me, how come this happened to me, all of that negative connotation that most of us go through. I would probably even suggest that everyone would go through it. Yeah. I look back now and realize that hindsight is such a wonderful thing, but what you are dealing with right now is the start of some massive growth in your life. You often hear me talk about the full content and context conversation within our lives.

And it’s when we change the context

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in which we live, that evolution happens. That’s when growth occurs when amazing things happen. When we change our life, we change our direction. We find our purpose, whatever that means for you. And that’s what we all want as human beings. Don’t we? We want to give back because the people who take and take and take live a miserable life.

When you give freely of your time, I need one of the most memorable things in life to be repaid to you in life. I need an American Indian word that is all about the reciprocity of life. So when I give freely to you, when I share my information with you, I get repaid in other areas of my life.

So my life grows and evolves, and more opportunity comes. And I want that for you too. So I want my little ripple. To affect you and then for you to share that information with other people or help someone else. And that’s why I do what I do. And I would love to think that you’re going to do the same when you get through this period of your, so today I wanted to talk about what should I say to others about our separation?

This week, I’ve had three clients asked this very question, and I’ve wondered to myself, what was it that I did? How did I tackle this? And what would I have done differently? So when a relationship aims, not only do you have to tell the most important people, and sometimes that could be your children. But there are other people you need to speak as well, you know, there are family members, close friends, then there are just those friends that are acquaintances work colleagues, you know, we’ve got sporting companions.

We’ve even got the local grocery. We have to tell all of these people, but this is all a choice. Some people will be shocked, and others will be supportive. And here is the thing, their response, other than your children, is not your responsibility.

So how someone responds to what you tell them is not your responsibility. And so many of us. Type the sun is our responsibility. And this is undoubtedly part of the conversation I’ve had this week with some of my clients. They are so caring that they don’t want to affect other people. So they feel like their decision is going to fit, impact someone else’s life.

And it might affect someone else’s life, but not in the way you think. So. When I mean, it might affect someone else’s life. What I’m talking about when I say to someone that X, Y, and Z is happening to me, mostly what happens is the first thing a person will do is interpret what they’ve been told.

And that will think to themselves. Wow. How does that affect me? Or what if this happens to me? So in many cases, when someone is looking at your relationship, and if I put myself in this position right now, I remember our friends thought that we were the hallmark family. You know, three kids in the private schools, the two cars in their fancy cars in the driveway, the tennis court, the pool friends looked at us, and we had the black and white family photos on the wall.

We looked from the outside, looking in like we had everything sorted. We were happily married. We had a family business, we had a lovely house. The kids were all doing well. We had everything sorted. So if separation can happen to us, well, that means that it could happen to me as well. So when you’re telling someone that you’re.

Separating in many cases, they’re thinking about their own relationship. They’re thinking about, wow, what if this happens to me? So the advice I give to my clients when they’re thinking about telling people, it all comes down to who you’re telling and why. So when we’re talking to our children, completely different kettle of fish, we’ve got a lot of responsibility here, the kids first and foremost, want to understand what this means for them.

And I’ve done some work with child psychologists around this and ask them what is the most important thing when we’re telling our children. And then they’ve said to me that first is that the kids will. Be completely shocked in many cases. And they will want to understand what this means for their future.

So how are we going to share time together? What does it mean at Christmas? What does this mean for us and our identity? Where are we going to live? All of the questions that the kids will go through, we need to have answers to them. So this podcast is certainly not about that problem, because that is.

Quite comprehensive. And there’s a lot of work that needs to go into that with the two of you. Like, you really need to have a plan around what you’re going to tell the children. You might think about how you’re going to keep their lives going as normal as possible. Because that’s what they want to know.

They want to understand that as much. I love the two of you that they are going to be. Okay. And how is it going to affect them? But when we’re telling other family members and close friends and acquaintances, this is the thing you get to pick and choose what you say and what you don’t say, this is your experience.

This is your separation. It’s up to you. What you feel you need to say and what you don’t need to say. If you don’t want to tell the ins and outs of everything you don’t need to. If you only want to say, look, it just wasn’t working. And we’ve decided to go our separate ways and leave it at that. You, you can, you didn’t have to give every deep and dark detail of why your relationship didn’t work.

It’s no one else’s business, but your own. And then this week a client said to me, but what happens if my ex-husband tells or my ex-wife tells. X Y and Zed, well, that’s up to them if they want to say whatever it is that they want to say, that’s their choice. If you feel like you need to defend yourself, ask yourself what you’re protecting yourself from.

If you know what your ex is saying is untrue. And you know, it deep in your soul and the people you’re having this conversation with really aren’t the most important in your life. You don’t need to lower yourself to defend yourself. I mean, if I’m talking really great friends and you want these people to be in your life forever, That’s different.

But if these are just acquaintances, that really don’t mean anything to you, don’t waste your energy. Don’t waste your time having to defend a decision that maybe you’ve made or, or that your partners made because you’re only defending yourself to people who really are either being busybodies or want to understand gossip or yeah.

I don’t know things like that. It’s not going to make any difference to you. I often say people feel like they’ve got to really get it deep and dirty into the detail. Either has to do it because they think they want to clarify why the decisions made and that’s okay. But also. If you’re doing it to make the person you’re telling feel better, you don’t need to do this.

You don’t need to do that if you were the sort of person. And this is many of the clients that I work with if you’re the sort of person who always puts everyone else before you, which worries everyone else. How are they going to be affected? What are they going to say? Is this going to upset them?

It means that you are not putting yourself first. And when we love ourselves, everything around us starts to come together. It’s when we put everyone before ourselves. That things don’t work out. And we’re brought up as little children to always worry about other people’s feelings to pick up after our brothers and sisters, to make sure that we’re caring.

All of those things are really important. You know, we want to bring up good human beings, and we want to be good human beings as well. But the key to a successful life is loving yourself first. And putting yourself first, because then when you put yourself first, you don’t leaving regret. You don’t think about all of the things you could have done differently.

You’re happy with the decisions you make. So, therefore, you never ever go back into the past because we only have right now, we only have today. We don’t know what the future is going to bring. We only have right now. So. If you feel the need to explain your decision to someone you need to ask yourself, why do you need to explain yourself?

Because it’s no one else’s business, you get to pick and choose. One of my clients has been married for going on 32 years. And you know, she’s saying. But people are going to be shocked. They’re not going to understand, you know, why I’ve made the choice that I have, but it takes two people for a successful relationship.

And whether she made a choice or not, her partner does not add what he needs to the relationship for her to want to stay. If he was doing his part. Then the marriage wouldn’t be falling apart, would it? Because she’d be happy, but when you talk to her, and she tells you about why she wants to leave, it’s not from a lack of commitment or a lack of trying comes back to context once again.

So context, if you haven’t heard me talk about this or you’re new to the podcast. Context is, um, what our identities are. Context is how we live, how we think, what we say the content of our life is where we live, who we’re married to our jobs, all of the peripheral stuff, that our context is the stuff inside our subconscious mind.

So our context, when it changes our life changes because if we don’t change our context, We just continue to be the person that we’ve always been. And what I have witnessed and seen, especially over the last four years is the people that outgrow their relationship. And usually, the people that have increased the context of their life.

So they’re always looking to learn new things. They’re open to, to different, um, adventures they’re free to change. They go with the flow. Um, Let’s talk about COVID right now. You know, when, if you’ve had to say a business that sells from a shopfront and all of a sudden people can’t come into your shop, you’re looking for different ways to sell your product.

You’re not going to just sit there and shut the doors and go, well, I have to wait for COVID to go away because who knows it might never. So the people that evolve and grow and look for different ways of being. They are the people that are changing their context in their life. And it’s changing your context where the evolution of you occurs.

So if you feel the need to talk to someone and make them feel better about your separation, There’s something wrong with that whole equation. You need to ask yourself why you think it necessary to make someone else feel better when you’re going through this challenging situation, and whatever your ex says, that’s up to him or her.

That’s their choice. You don’t need to lower yourself, or you don’t need to defend yourself when you truly know. Inside yourself that you gave it 100%. You did the best that you possibly could. You can simply say it didn’t work, or you can do what feels right to you. You can pick and choose who you tell and who you don’t tell.

This is your experience. This is your life. But other than the children, you really don’t have to. Worry about how someone asks response to what you tell them. That’s not up to you. That’s you, not your responsibility. And we’ve talked about interpretations before on the podcast. You can tell the same story to two separate people, and they will interpret what you’re telling them to be two different scenarios.

No two people. Because of the context in which they live, we’ll consider what you’re telling them to be the same thing. They will both interpret it in different ways. They will both want to consider how it’s going to affect them in their future. So if the two of you, uh, have a friendship group and your net now separating, some of your friends might wonder, well, how will this affect us going forward?

Imagine if you go on annual holidays together and all of a sudden the two of you can’t be there, they’re going to be considering, well, how will this affect us? What does this mean for who we invite to things moving forward? Can you see how it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with them?

And that’s, what’s important about these? Just worry about you love yourself. Take care of yourself. Do what feels right for you, tell who you want to tell and going to the level of detail that feels most appropriate for you, but don’t worry about other people. Don’t worry about what they’re going to say, because you cannot control the narrative around these cause people willing to separate it, how they want to interpret it.

Besides the kids, just worry about the kids, the rest of it, just worry about you. And I can tell you this, the people that want to be around you who know you, who love you will stay with you. The people who don’t like what you’re telling them or interpret it to mean something different to what it is, or take the side of your ex-partner.

They would never, ever going to be the people that were going to stay in your life. Anyway, people come in and out of our lives when we most need them. So if your closest friends or acquaintances that you thought would support you, all of a sudden don’t. Don’t worry about it because they were never, ever meant to be in your life for the long term.

Only the real friends that need to be with you will be with you to help you get through this situation. Okay. That’s it for this week. Hopefully, this has helped you in some way or help someone that you might know. But if you need any help and support, my email address is tanya@divorceangel.com.au. I’m more than happy to see what I can do to help or support you.

Or if you’d like to have some more information, why not get onto my website, www.tanyasomerton.com. And I’ve got a book called The Jelly Bean Jar. You might want to, um, get an electronic copy or a hard copy of my book and just read through some of the experiences that I’ve had and how I help people put together their divorce strategy.

And it might just make a difference to you in your life. All right. That’s it for me for this week? Not talk to you again soon. Bye. For now.

 

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