I’ve decided to do something special for this and the next week’s podcast. It’s a sample of Restore ME, a program I’ve put together to help people get out of the baggage that their relationship had allowed them to transfer into their next life. This week’s snippet of the program is about the stories we tell ourselves and how they affect our present and our future. 

Whatever you have in life is a direct result of your stories, and I can explain how and why.

Let’s get into it:

 

Timestamps

Getting rid of the crap from previous relationships [00:02:00] 

A lightbulb moment [00:04:00] 

Repeating a story in our heads [00:06:00] 

The result of the stories we tell ourselves [00:09:00] 

Changing our stories [00:11:00] 

Feeling trapped in our stories [00:13:00] 

The things that make us angry [00:15:00] 

Links

15-Minute Clarity Call

https://msgsndr.com/widget/booking?calendar=kcpWfO0ij7Aq2u4TzFEk

My book: The Jelly Bean Jar – Empowering Independence through Divorce

https://tanyasomerton.com/shop/the-jelly-bean-jar/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

 

Transcription

Hey there, and welcome back to this week’s podcast. Jeez, the days just go by it. Aren’t they, who would believe that we’re in the middle of November. By the time this podcast goes live, it’s not too long until Christmas. Anyway, I’ve got a special treat for you guys this week. And next week I do a program, and it’s called restore me. There was a real need. To help people get out of the baggage, let’s call it the baggage that their relationship had allowed them to transfer into their next life. Let’s say. And you can imagine can’t you, you may be one of these people that you’re, you feel like you were just weighed down with.

All of the things, all of the things that make you so heavy, you’re second-guessing everything. You don’t really know whether to trust yourself. You’re full of fear, and it’s all because you’re just covered with. Let’s call it crap from your relationship, and trying to get rid of a lot of that can be really difficult.

And many people go to counselling, and then they’ll say to me

READ MORE

, look, I’ve been seeing a counsellor for some time, but I just don’t feel like I’m getting any better. And I’ve found it. That some of the tools that I use are really getting some great results for my clients. And in a lot of cases, it’s just leaving it day by day.

You know, it’s repetitive, we’ve got to keep doing these. Tools or these things that we know for sure and making a difference. So it’s, you know, being repetitive in what we do and telling ourselves stop it. It’s not okay to be thinking what we’re thinking. Stop it. I don’t need to be considering X, Y, and Z, because it’s no longer valid stop it just because.

My partner pushed this belief or value onto me doesn’t mean that it’s mine to be carrying around for the rest of my life. Does that make sense? So what I want to do over the next two weeks is in my program, restore me. What happens is we take out beautiful students through five modules, and this is module two, part of the recording of module two. When we work on identity and the things that we’ve left behind, or that we’re really, really searching for, because when you go a relationship, the person that you, you leave as. He’s not the person. Then in many cases, we thought we would ever become. And I’ve spoken about this before, the light bulb moment for me was when my mum said to me one day over my kitchen counter, unbeknownst to me, how much I had changed out of the blue.

She just said, I just want my old Tanya back. But it has been so long that I’d been in this. Fight for the identity that I had completely and utterly lost myself. And I’m sure you may feel a little bit the same. This week is the first part of audio that I put into this program module two, and I thought you might get a lot of value out of it.

And then next week, You’re going to get the second half of it so that you can see what it is that some of my students are actually learning, and he could be a value to you. So enjoy. I hope you get something out of it and tune in next week for the second half of this. All right, let’s start it now. 

As you’re going to discover this week and probably starting to realize after you did the homework, everything in your life is a story. I mean, everything is about a story. And even as you’re listening to me right now, and you’re thinking about this week, being a lousy identity and stories, you might not have noticed that.

You’re even telling yourself a story right now. Correct. And you’re even telling yourself that you believe all your stories. You’re even telling yourself what stories you have. And haven’t been thinking about or stories that you don’t have, what stories you serve, and what stories don’t help you.

And that’s also a story about a story. Let me just touch on identity before we get into the rest of this audio. As you know, we come to our stories through something that has happened to us in the past. And as a result of that event happening, what we do is we interpret it. And then what we do is we give it meaning.

And then we turn that meaning into a story, and we tell that story repeatedly. That story becomes our identity and then our future story. Or feature stories come from our identity as well. So then what happens? We create a self-fulfilling prophecy and life. I have a dear friend who has difficulties having relationships with men, and frequently she breaks up with these men.

Only returned them might slider. This can repeatedly occur, as much as five or six times, even though analytically, she knows it’s over, and she no longer cares for the person. And when I’ve asked her, why do you do it? Even though it’s excruciating and uncomfortable for you. And her answer is because I always had to make my father happy and put his needs before mine.

So, how do you know that? I asked her, and she said, well, someone told me, and it just makes sense. So when these men that she’s not happy with try and get back with her because she’s been so used to, or this is the story she’s telling herself, she was so used to making her father happy. Picking up after him and whatever she had to do, she feels that she has to go back to these men.

Her father passed away 15 years ago, and she is still living from this story today. Now may or may not be real, but. That just gives you an idea of how some people continually have an account and leave by it. And she knows her behaviour is damaging, but she [00:08:00] still goes this way, and she can’t get this story out of her life at the moment.

It’s just going around and around in a loop in her head. So look at all the stories in you around you. I can’t do X, Y, Z. I’m not smart enough. I don’t have the skills, the money, the support that others have. I’ve got a medical condition or other stories that can be more dramatic for some people, such as my world’s falling apart.

I’m knee-deep in water, and I’m drowning. You know, you guys have seen it, right. You see stories that basically. Just add to your own frustration. Every bit of it is nothing more than a story. And that’s what I want to get across to you this week is that everything is on repeat in your brain. Everything in your life results from a story that you were telling yourself so many years ago. 

When I was leaving my husband, I thought I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t intelligent enough to even survive on my own and support my children. My ex-husband was highly intelligent. He would be, uh, a statistician and was so quick at adding up that when we were paying for our groceries, he would beat the machine through the cash register.

And even the checkout lady would be surprised that he. Say a, and it would be right now. I didn’t go to university. So that meant I was done. Here’s the thing until it changed that story. I was going to remain stuck. But look, what we’re talking about here is whatever stories that I had before that date are stories that prevented me from having happiness or the strength and skill to move on.

So what I want to share with you and what I want to look at very carefully right now is where are you in life? Whether it’s in a good relationship. Or, you know, you have to leave, or you’ve already left. You may already be single, it could be a money problem. It could be a wellness problem could be your business or your career, whatever it is, that’s holding you back.

So this is slow down here for a minute, just for a second. So you can take this in whatever you have in life is a direct result of your stories. And when I realized it was as simple as changing my story, everything in my life changed. The simplicity here is that if you’re not getting what you want in life, then plain and simple, you have to change your stories.

So anything that I’m not getting. What I think I want, I stop. And I remind myself that it was just like my past marriage. The reason that I’m here is that I changed my stories. Let’s look at your life, for instance, things that maybe aren’t a story, and we could use things such as who you vote for. So, let’s say liberal—liberal an independent party. Or you’re a Catholic, or you’re spiritual. Or you’re deeply religious, whatever you are. Or maybe for you, it’s your sexual orientation, your race, where you grew up, it may be part of the town you live in.

Now each every bit of one of those is a story. Now, of course, we have things like, for example, our skin colour. Now that’s not a story. But I want you to be aware that we make up stories and interpretations of better skin colour, what it means, our height, body shape, whatever. It’s nothing more than a story that we make up in our minds.

And then we come to believe the stories because we tell the story repeatedly. We all have stories about our life and our own relationship. Why things have happened to me or for me, why someone left or. Maybe it wouldn’t go at all. Why you aren’t good enough and why you just can’t love or things you need in your life.

Now, about a year ago, I had a student who could not separate from her cheating husband because she said she was a stay at home mom and had been that way for 30 years and never had a CRI. She said I’m just a mom. And all I know is how to shop, and I kid you not, they were her words. Now, this. Self-limitations because she thought she wasn’t good enough because she didn’t have a job.

We’re just stories. She thought she was powerless, and she was trapped. She had this stuff going around and around in her head, putting herself down, over and over again. The stories about what she could do and what she couldn’t do or based upon in her mind, never working. She was not able to make any decisions about her future.

And this story meant something to her. And the reality is two different people can have the same experience as best as possible and have two other stories based upon their experience. And they live with these stories. So an example might just imagine a doctor sitting down in front of two people.

And unfortunately, if both were given the bad news that they’ve got a form of cancer. And the doctor says to them, you need to go and put all of your affairs in order. Now one person may say, okay, doc, I understand. And I’m going to go and get everything sorted out. And then the other person may say, no, one of my children is about to have a baby. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got a grandchild coming, and the person leaves. Now there are studies on this. That’s how the mind’s power is based upon stories that we tell ourselves, and the mind can create anything for anyone of you. Because we all work with a divine mind and be careful, be careful of your words and your stories, because your stories will create for you, or they will take away from you.

Now, repeat it. Everything is a story. So what I want you to look at. Right now is have a look at your life. And I want you to think about something that your partner does that makes you angry. Take a second. My partner, my wife, my ex-husband, maybe child or mother-in-law or your mother. What do they do in your life constantly?

That makes you angry. You know, bring that to mind now. Okay. Now notice as you’re answering the question. What did they do that makes you angry? Notice that you’re telling yourself a story about what it is that makes you furious right now. So let’s think about this, you know, to give an example, if you’ve read my book, the jelly bean jar, I break divorce into three categories.

Category A is the people that have decided to leave the marriage. And in many cases, they’ve thought about it. Research shows for anywhere between two and five years before they’ve actually gone. Category B is the people that didn’t know that the marriage was about to end. Some of them may be living completely, um, void of what’s going on.

Others are so blindsided that they had no idea because they’ve been married to someone that’s a really good pretender. And category C is where neither party is getting along. And it’s, you know, they’ve both decided that it’s got to end. 

Now, we need to put ourselves into the category B position right now for a moment. Or this may, in fact, be you now. People in category B need the most love, care and support. Because in many cases, they’re in total shock and often times will say to me, if only I did X, Y, Z, things may have been different.

Now think about that. So many women and men, it doesn’t matter how many of you have something. That your ex-partner does, or your best friend or your mother, it’s something that they did or didn’t do that you tell a story to yourself about. And then what happens? You’re carrying this with you as a scar, as a batch, because of this story.

When in reality, this person doesn’t deserve to even be in your life. You know, why should you be feeling upset and hurt and lonely and sad because this person was no longer, right? Or deserving of you. So think about the power of your story. 

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