In today’s episode #2 we are going to discuss ‘When is the right time to leave your marriage?’ A question asked in the ‘Divorce Angel Facebook group’. And I thought it was a great way to start my very first full episode.
Let’s be honest; this is a life-changing and scary decision for anyone considering leaving their relationship or marriage. It should not come easy and takes a lot of soul-searching and contemplation. There are many things to weigh up and consider especially if you have children.
I would be worried if this conclusion was overnight, so don’t be hard on yourself if it has taken years. With so much to weigh up including money and future security, it can be daunting.
There is never a right time to leave. Some people stay longer than necessary others feel they left too soon. Everyone’s circumstances are different. And there is no science behind the decision.
So let’s discuss, how you might come to a verdict you are happy with and some tips to help you confirm your decision making process.
When is the right time to leave a marriage? [00:01:00]
What is the difference between a left-brain thinker and a right-brain thinker? [00:04:00]
Questions on what has gone wrong with the relationship. [00:12:00]
Having a Plan B ready before having the “conversation” with your partner. [00:16:00]
What is a Divorce Roadmap Session? And why should you consider having one? [00:18:00]
When do you know that your relationship is no longer working? [00:23:00]
A little exercise my clients do to help them confirm their decision. [00:31:00]
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Podcast Download: Left and Right side thinkers explained.
[00:00:00] Hello and welcome back. I’m so excited to be here. I can’t believe that this is our very first episode and over social media. Like I’ve posted that I’m going to start this podcast and a feedback and support has been so wonderful. So I’m so grateful for everyone that has sent kind words and messages and text messages wishing me luck.
So. Let’s get into it. So today is our very first episode and what I wanted to talk about is a question that I got asked in my Facebook group. So for those of you who don’t know, I have a divorce Angel Facebook group where we have male or females in there at the moment. Who are all going through different stages of divorce and one of my lovely lovely members asked a question and that was when is the right time to leave her [00:01:00] marriage?
So, you know to be honest. It’s such a difficult question. Because it’s a life-changing and scary topic. It’s not something that we just decide overnight. It’s normally something that we’ve been dealing with for years and the researchers say that the person that is choosing to leave. The relationship is normally thought about it for up to two years before they’ve actually taken the.
To go right now it now it is actually time to leave what what do I need to do to put in place so I can physically have the conversation and get things in motion so we can finalize our relationship or start to finalize our relationship. So. It’s not something that just occurs one day you wake up and you go I’ve had enough I’m out of here obviously in this member of my Facebook group.
She’s been contemplating this issue for some time because I can see just by her asking it [00:02:00] she’s been struggling with it, you know for some period and. There’s never a right time some people if you talk to them will say I wish I’d left years earlier. It took me too long to leave others have regrets and say I really should have given it more of a chance because the grass is not greener on the other side.
It takes a lot of courage to leave. It takes quite a bit of time to get your life back up and running again research shows up to five years, especially financially for you to. Back up and running again after you’ve been through a divorce. So it’s not something that you should decision that you should take lightly.
So for me, I’d struggled with the decision for yeast and if you read my book the jelly bean jar, which we will talk about in a later episode. It was evident to me that my [00:03:00] relationship was over. I had fallen out of love with my husband for a period of time, but I. Just didn’t have the courage to leave.
And the reason for that was I didn’t want to let anyone down. I’d considered, you know, the ramifications to my children and what that meant and not just that my husband or my ex-husband at the time. He was a nice guy, you know, I did not want. Him to be hurt and I was very careful with how we discussed it and I tackled it because I really did care about him.
One day. We are going to leave that person. It’s just doesn’t enter our mind. We marry someone because we’ve had these hopes and dreams and aspirations that it will last forever. So to say to someone that I don’t love you anymore that this is over and I’m leaving those three statements can be life-changing to the person that you’re you’re discussing this with so, you know, it’s not something that [00:04:00] anyone does without a whole lot of soul-searching and thinking about the consequences of the.
So there’s a few different ways that we make decisions and as humans the way I best like to describe it is the left and right brain thinking analogy if we dive into it a little bit deeper. What happens is. People who think with their left side more often their goal orientated people. They’re normally well-organized.
They’re probably very analytical. They are very very rarely absent-minded. They’re more rational logical precise probably more realistic and. I think probably the best way to describe them. They really like to plan. So those sorts of roles would be [00:05:00] doctors lawyers financial advisors people that really need to be quite across.
Think and very particular then there’s the right side think is now the right side thinkers are more. Let’s call them the whooee sort of people. They’re the people that are there impulsive they can be quite emotional yet their creative and quite artistic can be very intuitive as well or they could sort of say that they’re attached psychic.
They love sound and Dan. So, you know, we’ve probably all got people in our lives that when I talk about this you go straightaway. Wow. Yes, such and such as the left side thinker and such and such as a right side thinker now, I’ve got three children and straight away. I know that I’ve got one that’s a right side thinker and one that’s a left side thinker, but even myself I consider myself a [00:06:00] little bit of a mixture of both, but I believe in a universe and I think that there is a higher.
And I think that I you know, I do read my star signs and I believe in some of that sort of stuff to my husband’s disdain, but I’m also a planner. I also like to think logically. And I am very thorough in a lot of that I do so and I think that my probably my middle son is a little bit like that as well.
So I do think that there can be a mixture of both. But the reason I wanted to discuss these two different sides of the brain and how we come to making our decisions is because when you know, which side of the brain you actually think with it can help you too. To stand why it is taking you as long as it is to come up with an answer or be able to look at the situation in front [00:07:00] of you and understand the consequences of it.
So for instance if I was a left side thinker and I wanted to leave my marriage I would be sitting there and I would probably. Planet down to a tee. I would have which one of us was going to move out how I would afford to do it where I would live what would happen with the children who’s going to have the furniture all those sorts of things.
So the couples that I have worked with it a left side thinkers often are the most amazing people to work with because they are writing to facts and figures they’ll sit there. They’ll have a spreadsheet and now work it out with such and such as going to have this much money. Such and such as going to have that we’re going to have this car that car then I’m going to transfer this amount of money into a bank account done.
If you get two people that are left side thinkers. You can get something done really really quickly. Now if you’ve got a left side thinker and a right side thinker and you throw [00:08:00] them into the mix. Normally, what will happen is the right side thinker whose little bit more emotional will normally won’t come to the same decision as quickly because they’re waiting to feel it and it’s no different as to when they’re about to make the decision to leave the relationship.
They’re actually waiting for this. Feeling of going I’ve got to go or they’re waiting for some sort of catalyst. So something that’s going to happen and they’re going to go no enough is enough. I’m not even worrying about what’s going to happen from here. I’m just out of here and they don’t care about where they’re going to leave that at care that what’s going to happen.
Somethings is going to blow up and they’re going to go right. I’m out of here. I’m moving in with my mom. I’m doing these whatever the case may be but they’re going to think of the consequences after they’ve actually done the steps where the left side thinker is going to be a little bit more planned and prepared in some cases.
They will stay a lot longer because they need to make sure that they have everything planned and [00:09:00] ready now if you’re a touch of both. And that’s where I sort of think I was it was funny because I’d sort of started to think about the plan and what it was going to look like and where I was going to go and how is going to survive but then in saying that as well, there was just one incident that happened and I just that’s enough of got to get out of here.
So I had to listen to my to my body and to what it was telling me and it was telling me that I had to move on because I was so unhappy so. It is a mixture of both we can we can deal with either sides of our brain to make the decisions and without knowing you personally what that does if you’re a left side thinker and you know, you have to have a plan and have it out debt by step by step you need to go through whether it be a spreadsheet and take them all off and go right.
I’ve done all that if you’re thinking about when is the right time to leave and you don’t know. You can sit there and you can start to go right I [00:10:00] now I know I need to have somewhere to live or I need to have the conversation with where we’re going to leave. But then if he doesn’t want to leave or she doesn’t want to leave I need to have a plan B for where I’m going to go.
How are we going to look after the children? What does that look like? Who’s going to have the care of them? Are we going to share them 50/50 who’s going to pay the bills? What does that look like? Are you going to prepare a spreadsheet and hand that over sit down with your partner as you have the conversation about look I don’t think the relationships working and you give them you go over a spreadsheet and you both agree on.
And you go you take it from there. You’ve got to do whatever it is that’s going to help you to take the steps to move on with the right side thinker. They’re not going to have that sort of thing. They’re most likely going to come in and go. Oh, I’ve had enough of these either you’re leaving. I’m leaving and you will thought the rest out later on.
They’re normally the people that will come back later on and go. Well, maybe I should have possibly thought about this a bit more. I should have done a little bit [00:11:00] more of the consequences thinking of the consequences. What we’re going to happen to the children and who was going to pay the bills or whatever, but you know, what at the end of the day.
It doesn’t matter which way you think about it. Ultimately it will sort itself out in the wash. If you’d like to know more about this. I have actually got a free download with my podcast notes just on the difference between a left and right side thinker. Something else to be mindful of and I get asked this question a lot is people often think that when they get up the courage to actually have the conversation with their partner that their relationship is over.
They think that it’s over from that moment that the words are spoken now that in most cases is not the case normally what will happen is if you’re the person that’s decided to leave the relationship and you’re telling your spouse or partner this. They will want to have a conversation about what’s gone wrong.
What they can [00:12:00] do to try harder what it is that both of you can try and explore to maintain your relationship or improve it. Unfortunately when there’s no love left that. Do sometimes is an achievable. But if you’re a compassionate person you might think well, I’ve got to give this one more go. I’ve got to make sure that I’ve done everything I possibly can so I can put my hand on my heart in use from now and say to those around me and whether it be my children, I gave this a hundred percent.
I tried as hard as I possibly could so don’t think by getting up the courage today or tomorrow to have the conversation with your partner that it will all finish. After that conversation because it won’t it will be a phased approach and what you’ll find the issues are that I’m not trying hard enough.
Let me try and fix that problem. Let me try and do better. I’m even prepared to go and see someone can we go and see a [00:13:00] counselor? Sometimes you’ll find that they’ll want to debate with you. Convince you that they can do better and they will try harder because they’re fighting for their future and all of that is natural.
The other thing you’ve got to realize too is that you’ve been the person that’s been contemplating this for some period of time you’ve been thinking about it. It be day and night or you know been sitting at the at the kids swimming or driving back from football training or be and you’ve been contemplating your own happiness for quite a bit of time.
So you are completely and utterly prepare to leave you want to life. You want it to change straightaway where they’re not in that same position. So if you really have decided that this is over and you want to leave as soon. You’ve had the talk to your spouse. Then you need to put steps in place to do that.
Otherwise be prepared for it to be a conversation and will you know, okay, you’re not happy. [00:14:00] Let’s try this. Let’s do that or it could be let’s sleep for a period of time into separate beds just until we understand what the future looks like. I’ve even had clients that have. P lies down the center of the bed.
So at least they’re not touching each other. So whatever makes it work for you. That’s that’s what you need to do. But but as I said most marriages just don’t finish on the day that you actually have the talk. It needs to be a phased exit from the relationship if that makes sense. Now, there are some cases where this approach doesn’t work.
And this sometimes happens when you have a partner who you know just will not accept this outcome. They are not interested whatsoever in taking any responsibility or blame for the failure of their relationship and because of that, you know, damn well that when you sit there and say look, this is over it’s not working.
I don’t love you anymore. You don’t [00:15:00] love me. It’s not a good environment for the children. They will just automatically put the plane back on you and say this is all your fault. You know, you’re not pulling your weight. The reason it’s not working is because you’re not trying hard enough whatever the case may be.
So those of the those of you who are in a relationship like that will completely understand what I’m saying. Now, those people sometimes have no choice but to completely have a executed plan. In place before they leave so what do I need mean by that? We have had clients who have already gone and got a rental property have actually put Furniture in that rental property and started moving, you know, some of their key assets out of their house their clothes.
Some other important things that aren’t going to be lost and they set themselves up before they have the conversation because they know as soon [00:16:00] as they have this chat with the other partner. It’s not going to go. Well they know that. It’s going to get very far e and it’s not going to be a good place to be so they already have their plan set up executed and ready to go.
And the last part of the puzzle is actually having the conversation with their. Now that’s not something that I recommend everyone to do. You have to be in a very certain sort of situation to tackle it that way, but then you also need to show respect to your to your partner and that might mean that you can just get a team of.
Remove listen and have everything moved. And by the time they get home from work that night. There’s nothing left in the house. You can do it that way or you can get the rental property. You can go and purchase new washing machine and [00:17:00] fridge and set yourself up in the new property and then go home have the conversation with the person and say look I’m leaving this isn’t working and all of the reasons why and from tomorrow.
I won’t be leaving here each and every person’s circumstances are different and you have to do what is right for you, you know your partner your spouse better than anyone and you know how they’re going to react and how they’re not going to. So using that information and evidence that you have in hand, that’s how you put together your plan to leave.
So if you’re insured even had to take the first steps or how to even address your situation and this is this is a big problem that I’ve found for a lot of clients is. They know that they’ve got to do something but they just didn’t know what to do how to do it and what their priorities were. So we do a thing called a divorce [00:18:00] roadmap session and this divorce roadmap session is where we really put the strategy together around.
One of these that clients need to be aware of financially emotionally physically before they leave their their relationship and by doing that it gives you a sense of certainty. So when you know that you’ve got a plan and you just need to go through and execute the plan and take stuff off and go right.
I’ve done this bit of done this beauty of done this bit. It’s it’s a lot easier with you and emotionally you feel a little. Stronger because you know that whilst you’re living in this overwhelm at the moment and in a lot of cases we stay in these relationships that were not happy with because let’s be honest.
It’s the devil we know most of our growth happens when we step outside of our comfort zone, but we don’t realize that until we’ve actually taken that step into discomfort. So in a lot of cases [00:19:00] we just stay. In this unhappiness thinking. Well, this is what my life is meant to be not knowing that taking the steps to improve your life could be the best thing that ever happened to you at the moment.
You’re living in this toxic environment, and I used to explain it. Like I felt like I was swimming in Play-Doh. And if you you know being a swimmer or if you know got children in nowhere Play-Doh, you’re moving your arms. You’re trying as hard as anything to just get moving in. You’re not going anywhere and you might be just feel like you’re moving a.
You eventually get there but you’ve got to start somewhere. So our divorce roadmap sessions have been critical to a lot of our clients who have wanted to leave for a very long period of time and just didn’t know what to do some of the keys that you can get out of that sort of session and it’s something that you could sit down and do with your girlfriend or someone else your [00:20:00] mother or it’s asking questions along the lines of.
What is it that you really want out of your life? What do you want to achieve that you are not achieving right now in your relationship and why is it that you don’t love the person or do you still really love them? Because I’m such an advocate that if you love them or there’s a little bit of love or your jelly bean jar is half full.
Make sure you go to some counseling do something about trying to repair the damage that has been done because. Like I’ve said before people would leave marriages thinking that the grass is going to be greener on the other side and it is not it can be a struggle. It takes used to get your financial situation back on track.
And if you’re a female specially here in Australia females in their 40s and 50s. Unfortunately are the new homeless and that’s because of superannuation and if they haven’t worked for a long period of time. They just don’t have the [00:21:00] skills that their husbands have to be able to earn a big income and be able to support their children because in most cases they are the primary care of the children.
And they can also be some of the reasons that we don’t leave for that exact reason there as well. So it could be just putting together a strategy around getting a new job and making sure that you can afford to survive when you make the decision. So it’s a lot you’re thinking a long-term gain, you’re not just thinking five minutes down the track and going.
Yeah, I’m completely unhappy. I’m out of this marriage. And I really don’t care what happens after this because you just you can’t leave like that. You have to have a plan. I’m such a big believer that you need a clear plan and strategy and if you don’t use a business like mine, you can sit down and just do it with your girlfriend, but you have to ask yourself some critical questions around what it is that you want to achieve and why your relationship isn’t working.
[00:22:00] The other key thing about these is. Don’t think. That by leaving everything will be easier and what I mean by that is it all of this could be your issue. Not your partner’s this is pretty difficult thing for some people to understand but maybe the issues yours not your partner’s. What do I mean by that your unhappiness specially in this day and age might not be their fault.
It could be your fault. So you want to make sure that the reasons that you are leaving. Because the two of you together can no longer work, but going to see. A psychologist or accounts lamp before you leave and actually helping you make the decision because it’s such a critical decision. It’s a lifelong decision that has ongoing effects for family members extended family children.
You want to make sure that you’re doing it for the right. So, [00:23:00] when do you know that your relationship is no longer working and the signs to look out for so look there’s so many different signs, but there’s six probably that I see as the main reasons I normally lack of affection. So if you find yourself feeling unloved because your partner is no longer affectionate with no emotional engagement.
It’s normally because. They’ve withdrawn or it could be that you’ve withdrawn and the instigator of most most relationship breakups will always say I fell out of love sometime ago. So if your partner has disengaged emotionally from you, they probably don’t feel love for you any longer or it could be the other way around it could be you disengaging from your partner because.
You no longer feel love for them. So let’s be honest the minimum requirement for a successful relationship is emotional engagement and the [00:24:00] willingness to discuss feelings and communicating at the highest level rather than just all of these white noise in the room. You know, this is how we develop knowledge about our partners needs and wants and emotional engagement is also how we maintain our intimacy.
So making sure our partners needs are met including our own are the minimum requirements or the minimum elements for an intimate relationship. And then we’ve got conflict resolution. So are you at this stage in your relationship where you no longer even give a shit about winning an argument like it’s got to a stage where you don’t even care anymore because you know, it’s not worth even bothering about so you’ve given up.
This shows that you completely removed from the relationship and its ongoing house or as suggested by the noted researcher. John gottman a lack of [00:25:00] communication is always what sinks a healthy marriage. So a lack of effective conflict resolution healthy arguing build skills and communicating and shows a sign of respect for each other.
So if you no longer are able to resolve differences without causing injury to your partner, Then there’s an issue because we need to be able to either agree to disagree or we need to be able to get to the bottom of a problem because if you continue to just keep them down inside and not actually address what went wrong then they just build up and build up and before you know, it you’ve built nothing but a whole lot of resentment against that person and you become withdrawn then we’ve got a lack of sex so both men and women.
As stated in the Book Men Are from Mars and women are from Venus highlights at difference between the Sexes but when one partner [00:26:00] no longer finds this their spouse sexually attractive then this can kill our relationship and I don’t get me wrong last at the start of a relationship is is really important but as the years go on that last, You know dissipates but over time we still need to find our partners sexually attractive and sex both expresses and reinforces emotional bridge between the two so when a couple hasn’t had sex in a long period of time it usually is a reliable indicator that the emotional disengagement is advancing steadily.
It is yet another indicator that the partner. Whichever one is falling out of love takes no pleasure in being with their spouse and that bond is rapidly eroding if not already in a terminal state. So then we’ve got increased Focus outside of the marriage and this [00:27:00] is when you no longer feel like rushing home to see your partner is the most important thing.
And something’s changed. So there’s an emptiness in your marriage and you find yourself either feeling lonely or your board and many couples concentrate on bringing up their children and busy themselves with everything going on in their life and don’t pour into themselves. What is most important so making sure that you have a date night or whatever the case may be and you just become two separate people living.
Under the same roof from that. What we find is a lot of people start to have a midlife crisis. So so that could be something like taking up a new sport. It could be something that if joining a new community group, it could be going out what just a simple as may be doing more with the kids. So, you know, If the kids are into some sort of sport spending a lot more time at the [00:28:00] club, whatever the case might be for a woman.
It could be just, you know, having doing a lot more shopping could just be walking around a shopping center, but perf preferring to be alone then be at home. And then we have the greatest indicator and that’s pretty much preparing for a single life and when couples are comfortable with each other.
They sometimes let themselves go. We see it all the time often commenting with our content necess as such it’s not uncommon for spouses who are initiating leaving a relationship. To stop and consider their appearance. So in other words, I start to lose weight. They buy new clothes for women. It might be underwear and Men.
I suppose you start to spend money on things like botox Etc. And we’ve even heard of stories of men who all of a sudden having hair. It’s and all of these is to increase what [00:29:00] they see is their ability to start dating when their marriage is over and particularly women who have stayed at home. We often see a new interest in refreshing or acquiring a career so they might want to go back to school.
They might want to start if they’ve been a stay-at-home mum. They might start looking for a part-time or full-time. All of those things are indicators that they’re starting to prepare for Life as a single person. So there’s so many more than these six but these are the six that I often see so let’s just recap.
So number one was lack of affection. Number two was disengagement emotionally number three, so no. Resolution number for lack of six number five increased Focus outside of the marriage and number six Was preparing for a single life. So this is such a personal [00:30:00] decision. No one can tell you what to do or when to do it, but you need to listen to you.
You stomach you’ll need to listen to yourself. You need to know whether it’s time to move on and whatever we’ve talked about, you know counseling and making sure that you really do understand the consequences and why you need to make the decisions that you’re making we’ve spoken about how our brain works and maybe there was insight there as to why it’s taking you so long, but maybe or hopefully.
Help G by you now knowing all this is why I’m not putting those steps in place because I really need to have a checklist or I’m just waiting for that one Catalyst for me to go right? That’s Auntie. I’m out of him, but something that I often get my one-on-one students to do when they find themselves in this confusing.
He’s to get a piece of paper and put a line down the center and what I want you to do. If you find yourself in this position [00:31:00] is to put on one side of the paper stay and on the other side leave now. Go down on each side and put why you think you should leave each and every reason you should come up with you can come up with and then on this stay put the reasons that you should stay now visually you’re going to sit there when you finish this this exercise and you’re going to look at it and you’re going to be able to see that one side is going to be.
So much longer than the other and if that’s the case when you look at it, you’re going to have the answer to your question. Okay, I’ve got far more reasons to stay then I have to go I’ve got far more reasons to go then I have to stay or you might find that it’s 50/50. Now when you do that exercise, then you’re going to know if it’s 50/50 right?
We need to go off and either I need to do some counseling myself or my partner. I need to go and have some counseling because [00:32:00] obviously I’m feeling the way I do because there’s some other things that are wrong with with me. The other thing is if you look at it and it’s just completely every single reason is to go you answer is right there in front of you and I did this exercise myself when I was contemplating leaving my marriage.
I remember sitting there and trying to come up with reasons to stay I just. One after the other putting reasons to leave and the reasons to stay I need to get it out. But I think it was something there was only about four or five reasons to stay and there was you know, a full loose-leaf page document as to why I needed to go so when I looked at that.
I knew my decision. I just made it or it’s cemented my decision making and then I just needed to go and start to put the steps in place to do. What was what was right for me? And as I said for me it [00:33:00] was just a catalyst over an argument that happened and I just thought to myself enough is enough. I can’t do this anymore.
I’m out of here. So hopefully this very first episode has helped any of you that are contemplating leaving and wondering what you need to do. And when is the right time to leave? Hopefully I have given you a little bit of clarity on this because no one can really answer that question for you.
Whether you leave or you stay with a if it’s not meant to happen, you will eventually go at some time but you’ve got to go when it is right for you, and you’ve got to worry about. Your little part of the world and if your little part of the world is your children and and some other things that I’m most K to you.
You need to make sure that they are your priority in your decision-making. So thank you for joining me. It’s been really exciting. I’d love for you to leave a comment at the bottom of this I have as I said [00:34:00] got a download on how left side and right side thinkers. Make decisions so that could help you.
So, please go to the show notes for more information, and I am so look forward to catching up with you again next week. So thanks everyone and I’ll talk to you again soon.
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