When our marriage is over, the first thing that comes in mind is that we failed. The truth is that divorce is a fact, and we are the ones who decide what to do with it. We can either transform it into a failure or a success. The key is to keep ourselves mindful and receptive to learn from our mistakes. Where else in your life have you tried and failed? You will change your answer to that question after listening to this episode. 

Let’s get into it

Timestamps

When overwhelm hits [00:01:50]

My divorce and why I used to think I’ve failed [00:03:00]

Being in Victim mode [00:06:00] 

The greatest accolade you could ever have [00:07:30]

You haven’t failed, you succeded [00:09:00]

Shape your identity the right way [00:12:00]

Those who throws grenades end up in a war [00:12:00]

Links

The Action Centre

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1008391

The Covert Divorce Plan

https://divorceangel.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1016882

Podcast Episode #24 – Victim- How Did I Find Myself Here?

https://tanyasomerton.com/victim-how-did-i-find-myself-here/

Podcast Episode #25 – Overwhelm – I Can’t Do This, It’s All So Hard!

https://tanyasomerton.com/overwhelm-i-cant-do-this-its-all-so-hard/

Join my Free Facebook Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceangel/

Divorce Roadmap Session:

https://tanyasomerton.com/divorce-roadmap/

Transcription

Hey everyone, welcome back to the divorce angel podcast. I’m Tanya Somerton. Well, it’s another week in isolation. I’m feeling a little bit happy, and I hope you are too. There’s nothing we can do with what’s happening.

[00:01:01] We’ve just got to get on with it, don’t we? I’ve had my headphones on today doing my housework, singing around because it makes me happy. Ask yourself, what makes you happy, and what can you do in your time of despair? Because there’s a lot of correlations between what people are going through [00:01:23] and what I felt when I was getting divorced, and I’m sure you feel the same way. 

The problem here is if you are compounding your unhappiness from your relationship. With what’s also going on in the world, people can get very stressed and very overwhelmed. And I’ve done some podcasts before on those two topics, but just quickly, overwhelm is when there are so many decisions to be made, [00:01:52] that you can’t put them in order of priority. And if you need to simplify overwhelm, that’s what it is. So my key advice for you is if that’s how you’re feeling, take a deep breath,

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and calm down a bit. And even if you get a bit of paper, start listing the things that you need to do, and why you’re feeling overwhelmed. Then break them down into little steps, [00:02:19] bit by bit, and tackle them one at a time. Ask yourself, what’s the danger? What’s going to happen if you don’t get everything done? What is it that you need to do, that’s going to keep you moving forward, and keep you out of that feeling of overwhelm? Because I’ve been there, and sometimes not making any decision is enough to make you stay where you are. 

So what I wanted to talk today about is where else in your life have you tried and failed? The interesting thing here is tried and failed. [00:03:00] The word failure is such an awful word. I remember when I wrote my book. It should have been one of the most amazing times in my life because I wrote a book, but instead, I felt like a failure because I was divorced.

[00:03:19] My brother wouldn’t come to my book launch because he didn’t want me to write a book on divorce. And the thing was that it is what it is. I wrote it and he didn’t. He thought I was sort of celebrating. He didn’t understand everything that I was trying to achieve.

[00:03:40] He thought I was encouraging people to get divorced, which is the last thing I want. I don’t want people to get divorced. I want people to be happily married and the driver for my business, first and foremost, is the fact that 40% of first-time marriages, 70% of second-time marriages, and 90% of third-time marriages fail.

[00:04:13] And why is that? The truth is we don’t learn our lessons. When our first marriage or relationship breaks up, we don’t take ownership or responsibility of what the hell went wrong. We want to blame everyone else and we, I know it because I was like that, we think it was not our fault, that we didn’t do anything wrong.

[00:04:36] But, the reason behind it was, yes, it takes two to tango, and I need to take as much responsibility for what went wrong, as did my ex-husband. I don’t want to be one of that 70 % and I don’t want to be one of the 90%.

So what do I need to do? What do you need to do to make sure you’re not part of that category?

[00:05:00] The simple thing is to sit there and ask yourself what went wrong? What part did you do in your relationship? Not lasting. Looking back I used to feel like I’d failed. But I hadn’t failed. I succeeded. I’d been married for 22 years. I had three beautiful children. I want to swear now, I freaking succeeded, but at the time, with everything else that’s going on, and this might be you right now, I didn’t feel like that.

[00:05:37] I couldn’t see what the possibilities of my life could be. All I could see was the sorrow. And the sadness and what could have been. I’ve stuffed this up so much. How did this happen to me? A victim, that was me [00:06:00] for a long time. Not anymore. I tried and I failed.

[00:06:08] It’s how you look at it. You could say that I failed, but I don’t accept that word. I did not fail. I succeeded and I learned from it. And I’m helping others from my mistakes. And I don’t want you to do those same things.

[00:06:29] Why divorces cost so much money? Why around the world do we continue to make the same mistakes? Why are all of our courts locked up with people lined on the footpath to get to tell their story in front of a judge, so that a judge can decide on our life? Why there’s something wrong with the ecosystem around the divorce industry?

[00:06:59] And we’ve allowed this to happen. We’ve allowed the lawyers to take control. We’ve allowed our emotions to take control. We’ve allowed the judges, the courts, and everything else to step up and take control of our life, where if we took responsibility for what we did wrong, we would not need to go down those paths.

[00:07:27] We could take full control of our life. We can make sure that those mistakes didn’t happen again because rather than being a failure, they’re lessons. They’re lessons to make sure that we succeed in our next relationship, in our life, that our children can step back and watch and think how proud they are of us.

[00:07:55] One of my kids said to me, we are so proud of you mom, because you’ve turned a bad situation around, and you’re helping other people, and that alone is the greatest accolade that I could ever get. If that’s all I got for the rest of my life, that alone is the greatest reward I could get out of my divorce. And I want that for you.

[00:08:19] So I feel like I’m up on my high horse right now. But the idea is when we say to you, where else in your life have you tried and failed, what does that mean to you? Do you see the negative connotation or the positive? Because I don’t want you to sit there and your interpretation of that question be, I failed, [00:08:41] I can’t do anything right. This is not fair because I’m telling you right now, if that’s how you are taking this, you’re in victim mode and if you’re in victim mode, we gotta get you out of it. You haven’t failed, you’ve succeeded. You’ve [00:09:00] gone through a relationship and it hasn’t worked out and you figured out a way to keep going on with your life.

[00:09:06] You’ve picked your socks up, and every day you get up and you keep going. And if you’re in a relationship right now that’s not working, and you know without a doubt that you are going to leave, the advice that I give to you is that you do not need to pay, like the thousands and millions of people that have gone through a divorce, a fortune.

[00:09:34] Using a system that is completely and utterly broken, and it works on the side of everyone else other than the people that are getting divorced, does not need to be you. You can be the person that has learned from everyone else. That’s what history is all about.

[00:09:58] We need to learn from history. You need to be the person that stands, raise their hand, and say, you know what? I wasn’t the perfect person, but I’ve learned and I’m not let it happen again. But while our relationship isn’t working, we need to be amicable in how we move forward and how we do that together.

[00:10:21] I’ve done a video series and a course to help people when they’re having a conversation with their ex-partner. Make sure that you’re not placing blame, and when you’re not placing blame, it means that you’re not accusing someone. You’re not blaming someone, but you’re taking ownership.

[00:10:46] And when you take ownership, you are not falling. You are learning and that’s the key I want you to learn. 

Where else in your life have you tried and failed and turned it into something amazing? Because that’s what’s happening.

[00:11:10] You are going to turn this around and become the most amazing kick-ass person on the face of the earth. You are going to have your children step back, look and wonder how they were so lucky to have you as a parent. You are going to be the sort of person that’s going to make a difference in someone’s life, whether that be your children, your next partner, or a family member, or your ex, it does not matter.

[00:11:48] I want you to think about the question, where else in your life have you tried and failed? And how [00:12:00] you respond to that is how you’re going to keep moving forward. Right now, when things are hard and shitty, you are going to keep moving forward because you haven’t failed, you are not a failure.

[00:12:15] Do not allow your identity to be that you have failed because I’ve been there. I was that person. I cried. Why did this happen to me? How did I get here? Why is it that I’m not good enough and can’t make a relationship last? Because I didn’t fail. I was learning. It was a lesson in life.

[00:12:45] There’s probably plenty more lessons to come, but the silly people out there don’t realize it’s a lesson. The silly people out there don’t realize the value of what they’re leaving through. Giving value to that is going to make you stand out in a crowd. And that’s what I want for you.

[00:13:08] If you’d like some help to get through your divorce. Please contact me, we’re here to help. We’ve got some great resources, some free ones, and some others where we can help people put together their lives. I’ve just finished putting together The Covert Divorce Plan and it is what I wanted when I was going through my divorce, because if you know the questions that the lawyers are going to ask you, [00:13:41] and you are prepared, then you are protected when you have a conversation with them. Don’t think that this is just about you and your ex because there are so many people in this ecosystem of divorce, and you’ve gotta be mindful of everyone that you were dealing with. The only person that has your back is you.

[00:14:06] So make sure that you understand what you were getting yourself into, and don’t be the person that’s going to be standing on the steps of the court. Try and prevent that with whatever you can. 

I know people listening might be going, well Tanya, you’re talking garbage because I can’t get through to my husband.[00:14:28] I’m keeping stats, and I can’t say it factually at the moment, but what I’ve witnessed and what the data is showing me is that people that throw grenades end up in a war. The people that play nicely get through it a lot quicker and a lot better. And the quicker I can get this data out into the public and the quicker I can let people know, [00:15:00] I can stop people making the mistakes that hundreds and thousands or millions of people before us if made.

[00:15:08] Don’t be one of those people cause you haven’t failed. You’ve learned. 

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